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DH is a bit Girly/Disorganised - Anyone Else Have One of these?

473 replies

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 11:16

...and how to cope, because its driving me mad?

This week for example, we went to the cinema, I booked the tickets, but it was a new cinema and we couldn't find it. This was after a minor drama where he lost his jacket. So we were wandering about the town, looking for it. He wouldn't ask anyone, so I had to approach 3 passers by to ask for directions, but by then he had wandered off. He wouldn't answer his phone so by the time he eventually stumbled across it, we had missed the first 40 minutes of the film.

Then after the film had ended, he had lost his car keys in the cinema. Fortunately someone had handed them in, but not before we had searched the entire cinema and I had been accused of "taking them".

We then went away in the car for a couple of days. I was going to book the first night's accommodation in a hotel but he asked me not to, as he didnt' want to be tied down. So I ended up paying nearly double to stay in the very same hotel as the on the door price was more expensive than the internet. I said he could do the accommodation for the second night, but we couldn't find anywhere, and were driving around for about 3 hours looking. A lot of places were closed and eventually we only found somewhere by pulling up at a tourist information board, me phoning various numbers on my phone and getting someone to open up a self catering apartment. DH's phone had ran out of power so he couldnt' do any phoning. He then sulked for most of the next day because he ended up paying £100 to stay in a self catering apartment for one night - he literally wouldn't speak to me or answer any questions until about 3pm.

We took it in turns to drive home, neither of us like Tom Toms but I am very good at map reading, so I gave him good directions when he was driving. As soon as we swapped, he gave me several wrong directions involving lengthy detours off the motorway into small villages, etc.. Even when we were visiting an attraction, he stood next to a massive sign saying "Exit" and announced "I'm really lost now, I can't find my way out".

He works as an engineer so should be quite practical, and he is only 45...but he seems to specialise in putting things on upside down or the wrong way round, you would think the law of change would mean he would be wrong maybe only 50% of the time but no, he bucks that trend. If you say "take the first exit at the roundabout" he is more likely to randomly take the third exit, if you say "go left" you cannot trust him not to go right.

It might sound funny but its actually incredibly stressful for me, as if I don't keep a constant watch on him, he might wander off and get lost. And driving in the dark and heavy rain late at night looking for a way back to the motorway isn't much fun. But he's quite rude with it?

OP posts:
SnapeChat · 31/12/2014 12:40

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JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 12:40

Mumsnet HQ - please feel free to delete the whole thread. Its obviously too upsetting for some people. I never set out to cause any offence, I'm extremely stressed and rather worried about my DH, but I'm torn as to whether making him see is GP would be any use/counter productive.

opalstones am not dense, nor am I a man, and I trust one day you and some others will manage to recover from the extreme offence I have irrationally and unintentionally caused.

Mumsnet - please delete.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 31/12/2014 12:41

Jessie, the problem is that acting stupid is not a feminine trait, and it's offensive to suggest that it is.

Sounds to me like your husband is semi-deliberately (or just deliberately) messing things up as he doesn't want to do what you want to do. Are you sure he wants to be with you?

LoisChristmasPuddingLane · 31/12/2014 12:41

It would be less upsetting if you acknowledged that your choice of language is unacceptable.

BuggersMuddle · 31/12/2014 12:42

He does sound bad, but you don't sound great. If you treat an adult like a child or as though they are useless for long enough, then they will act that way. Of course you may not, but from your language on here you don't seem to think he's an autonomous adult (who somehow copes fine when you're not there...)

My DP can be a little flaky when it comes to things that need to be dealt with immediately & that can appear selfish e.g. leaving me all the heavy stuff. I tend to find 'Oi, DP, there are more bags to come in' / give us a hand with that' deals with that quite effectively.

Likewise it'll be me that loses keys / jackets / whatever. If we go to the cinema together he takes charge of the tickets (and I'm more than capable of getting myself to and around major cities for business when I have to BTW, so am not useless).

Did you ever respect him? Could it be a bit of a vicious cycle, or he may just be an arse of course, but either way you surely can't go on like this.

And did you really sit through a movie you'd missed the first 40 mins of? That seems...odd. We'd have given up and then gone to do something else, possibly with a bit of huffing and puffing from one and an apology from the other.

opalstones · 31/12/2014 12:42

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opalstones · 31/12/2014 12:43

It would be less upsetting if you acknowledged that your choice of language is unacceptable.

Agreed. A genuine sorry would be very helpful about now.

GoatsDoRoam · 31/12/2014 12:43

Obviously men cannot have feminine traits.

Hmm

I'm guessing that the word "feminine" for you means roughly the same thing as "girly". Still using both words as shorthand for "a bit crap and inferior".

We live in a world that loves to peddle the notion that women and girls are somehow inferior. Try to avoid doing it yourself.

As for your relationship: is it the one you want? If it isn't, you are free to leave.

alwaysstaytoolong · 31/12/2014 12:43

My current BF is very disorganised, late, loses things etc - he has ADHD.

ralgex · 31/12/2014 12:45

Dear God, the OP has not equated being girly with all the negative stuff. She is saying that her dh is somewhat effeminate as well as lots of other traits. Why do people insist on misconstruing people's posts? Is it just a game so you can gang up and attack someone in distress?

Read the bloody words; and do the best you can to understand them, limited though that might be.

ArsenicStew · 31/12/2014 12:46

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NettleTea · 31/12/2014 12:46

How could not having a diagnosis of a condition not do any good?? You were asking if he were senile, or had an illness so how would that be different? Is it because its a 'disability' rather than an illness that you dont think it would help?

IF he was ASD then he may actually be alot happier, because he would understand WHY he couldnt do certain things. You are right, it would mean accepting that he was NEVER going to do some things, but you would understand that it was because he couldnt, not because he was an arse. And that does make a whole world of difference. Many people report it is like a huge black cloud being lifted from them, made them understand that they were not awful people, they were not stupid, and there was a reason. Like a curtain being taken away and they were able to start their life again. Why would you want to deny yourselves that possibility, and why assume that he would 'use it' to facilitate? Do you think that he is doing this stuff on purpose? Do you not believe that people might struggle with being 'Not Normal'??

And he might wonder why he isnt able to do stuff, why its always wrong, why other people seem to manage perfectly well.

If he were open enough to consider it, if he were open enough to accept it, then he probabaly would be open enough to take on board that some of his behaviours need to change. At the moment he sounds as if he is floundering and hitting out in anger and frustration.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 31/12/2014 12:47

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DrinkleBells · 31/12/2014 12:47

Why didn't you say he acts like a boy? He's a man so comparing him to a male child would make sense. But obviously girls are far inferior to little boys or indeed anyone else.

ralgex · 31/12/2014 12:47

I just love the way people who gang up to attack a distressed woman try to take the moral high ground.

Bloody hilarious if it weren't so tragic.

ArsenicStew · 31/12/2014 12:48

Why do people insist on misconstruing people's posts?

Why do you Ralgex?

She said;

"girly" is a phrase I would use for an adult of either sex who behaves a bit like a child and pretends to be helpless regarding things they should be capable of managing perfectly well.

That's pretty clearly sexist shite.

FolkGirl · 31/12/2014 12:48

It would be less upsetting if you acknowledged that your choice of language is unacceptable.

To be honest, given that she doesn't get it, I'd rather she didn't compound the situation with an insincere apology that she didn't understand.

SnapeChat · 31/12/2014 12:48

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DrinkleBells · 31/12/2014 12:49

My DD is 4 and seems more capable than your DH so no idea where you got it from that girls are indolent.

ralgex · 31/12/2014 12:50

No apology then, ArsenicStew? For ganging up on a woman in distress?

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 31/12/2014 12:51

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opalstones · 31/12/2014 12:52

No apology then, ArsenicStew? For ganging up on a woman in distress?

Probably not, considering that there has been no apology for sexism.

TendonQueen · 31/12/2014 12:52

The bit that stands out for me is that you don't want to ditch him because you would soon find out the faults of any other man so you think you'd be no better off. Surely you can see that this is apparent perfectionism disguising low self esteem? Why do you think you should put up with this, that you won't find anyone better, or indeed that you wouldn't be happier on your own?

(Note to other posters: agree with the criticism of OP's thinking about girliness, but to be honest, I would rather focus on the problems in her relationship, that she wanted opinions on, than slating her let this point)

ravenmum · 31/12/2014 12:53

If she is "dense", that's a pretty good excuse for not understanding stuff, right - not something she should feel bad about? We all come up against our limits sometimes. Maybe something will trickle through eventually, but I'd also suspect that she honestly doesn't understand what an apology would be about.

FolkGirl · 31/12/2014 12:54

NettleTea I might be wrong, but I read her reluctance to encourage her husband to seek a diagnosis to be because she is worried that if he does, he will just use it as an excuse...

I don't know whether getting a doctor to diagnose it would do any good. It might act as an excuse for him to facilitate it.