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DH is a bit Girly/Disorganised - Anyone Else Have One of these?

473 replies

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 11:16

...and how to cope, because its driving me mad?

This week for example, we went to the cinema, I booked the tickets, but it was a new cinema and we couldn't find it. This was after a minor drama where he lost his jacket. So we were wandering about the town, looking for it. He wouldn't ask anyone, so I had to approach 3 passers by to ask for directions, but by then he had wandered off. He wouldn't answer his phone so by the time he eventually stumbled across it, we had missed the first 40 minutes of the film.

Then after the film had ended, he had lost his car keys in the cinema. Fortunately someone had handed them in, but not before we had searched the entire cinema and I had been accused of "taking them".

We then went away in the car for a couple of days. I was going to book the first night's accommodation in a hotel but he asked me not to, as he didnt' want to be tied down. So I ended up paying nearly double to stay in the very same hotel as the on the door price was more expensive than the internet. I said he could do the accommodation for the second night, but we couldn't find anywhere, and were driving around for about 3 hours looking. A lot of places were closed and eventually we only found somewhere by pulling up at a tourist information board, me phoning various numbers on my phone and getting someone to open up a self catering apartment. DH's phone had ran out of power so he couldnt' do any phoning. He then sulked for most of the next day because he ended up paying £100 to stay in a self catering apartment for one night - he literally wouldn't speak to me or answer any questions until about 3pm.

We took it in turns to drive home, neither of us like Tom Toms but I am very good at map reading, so I gave him good directions when he was driving. As soon as we swapped, he gave me several wrong directions involving lengthy detours off the motorway into small villages, etc.. Even when we were visiting an attraction, he stood next to a massive sign saying "Exit" and announced "I'm really lost now, I can't find my way out".

He works as an engineer so should be quite practical, and he is only 45...but he seems to specialise in putting things on upside down or the wrong way round, you would think the law of change would mean he would be wrong maybe only 50% of the time but no, he bucks that trend. If you say "take the first exit at the roundabout" he is more likely to randomly take the third exit, if you say "go left" you cannot trust him not to go right.

It might sound funny but its actually incredibly stressful for me, as if I don't keep a constant watch on him, he might wander off and get lost. And driving in the dark and heavy rain late at night looking for a way back to the motorway isn't much fun. But he's quite rude with it?

OP posts:
HouseWhereNobodyLives · 31/12/2014 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

opalstones · 31/12/2014 12:21

*That's actually a good example of what he will do. He will focus on one word or phrase that he doesn't like and keep repeating it to make a point. So you will get into "But you said this", and "but you said that", and he will talk over you when you try to explain.

Maybe its me?*

Maybe it is you. I know I couldn't put up with such hideous ignorance.

You are wrong to call someone 'girly'. Admit that.

Twinklestein · 31/12/2014 12:22

That's actually a good example of what he will do. He will focus on one word or phrase that he doesn't like and keep repeating it to make a point. So you will get into "But you said this", and "but you said that", and he will talk over you when you try to explain.

Maybe its me?

Not necessarily.

That kind of literalism and repetition and continuous talking (ie over you) is quite characteristic of Dyspaxia but also potentially ASD. He may be poor at picking up on verbal and non verbal signals.

2times · 31/12/2014 12:23

Some very good posts about ASD/aspergers that you might have overlooked op.
Hoarding, rigidity when arguing also point in that direction.

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/12/2014 12:25

Why would it be you that paid for the holiday if you booked it?

When we go away the payment comes from the joint account.

I'm ignoring the girly comment in the hope of getting to the bottom of the actual problem.

AnnieLobeseder · 31/12/2014 12:25

To answer your simple question: is he that bad and are other men like this? Yes he is, and yes other man are like this, but only the shit ones.

Your opinion of men seems to be as low as your opinion of girls. Normal, loving, kind husbands do not act like yours, and not cheating and earning a good wage are a very basic baseline of a normal decent man, not abnormally positive traits to be lauded.

If you are concerned about his mental health, ask him to see a doctor.

HTH.

FolkGirl · 31/12/2014 12:25

MrsCakes Very good video!

ralgex · 31/12/2014 12:25

"Unless you are a man who has deliberately made the whole thing up just to insult everyone on here." Troll-hunting as well as personal attacks, eh?
Very empathic.

punygod · 31/12/2014 12:25

I'm ignoring the 'girly' shit, because that's a whole other issue.

As far as your husband goes, you have described my ex.

Note the 'ex'.

TendonQueen · 31/12/2014 12:26

Leaving aside all the girly stuff, he just sounds awful, frustrating and draining to be with. Why stick with him? His only good point seems to be his well paid job. Don't be blinded by the worst stories on here. I know plenty of men who are funny, good company, can organise the basics of life and want to have sex, oh, and have decent jobs. Don't think they don't exist and don't settle for so much less.

SnapeChat · 31/12/2014 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

opalstones · 31/12/2014 12:29

The girly stuff is foul, I am really in shock.

The OP isn't sorry either. Or doesn't think she has done anything wrong.

It is disgraceful.

FolkGirl · 31/12/2014 12:29

Report it then raglex. I'm happy for it to be deleted. But it is offensive. The op offended me, and many others, before I came close to offending them. And it may have been deliberate.

HolgerDanske · 31/12/2014 12:30

Wtf, 'girly'??

Ugh.

FolkGirl · 31/12/2014 12:31

And the fact she isn't sorry shows it was a deliberate use of the word in that sense, rather than a mistake.

NettleTea · 31/12/2014 12:31

Yep.
You need to apologise for that phrase because instead of getting any help or advice people are going to keep on focusing on that until it is resolved.
And I think you came here for advice, not to insult 50% of the population (or indeed more...)

OP you havent answered as to whether you have considered if he might be on the autistic spectrum. It CAN get worse as time goes on as the ideas and 'ways' get more and more fixed.

Would he be open to doing this test, just as an icebreaker

archive.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

fufulina · 31/12/2014 12:34

Incredulous at you defending your use of 'girly' to describe incompetence. And outraged.

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 12:34

Perhaps we can get away from the girly thing? I am very, very sorry for any offence used by any reference towards girls. Obviously men cannot have feminine traits.

I am not a man.

We haven't got a joint account. I know plenty of couples who don't. Neither of us want a joint account. Its not the worst issue, I am just aware he has a slightly helpless tendency to let me pay for stuff if I don't constantly watch him.

I have just asked him why he doesn't book things for us when we try to do things together. He has said "Theres a reason for that...its because nothing I ever do is good enough for you...all I get is criticism...all you do is moan". He is still going on in this vein...

I haven't ignored the posts on ASD/AS at all. I do agree he has many such traits. I'm not able to diagnose it, and I don't know whether getting a doctor to diagnose it would do any good. It might act as an excuse for him to facilitate it.

As for me, I know I have a tendency towards being very well organised and having minute attention to detail. I am incredibly fussy about men (believe it or not) and I can't imagine another one appealing to me because I would undoubtedly find out their faults too.

Its just these constant huge mistakes he makes. It wouldn't be so bad if they were weeks or months apart. But they are running at something like two a day.

Anyway, we are going to attempt to go out now, together, in a car, and buy something from a shop. Thanks for all your responses.

OP posts:
ralgex · 31/12/2014 12:35

I reported it straight away, FolkGirl. Troll hunting and personal attacks are against talk guidelines, and people who break the guidelines need to be banned.

FolkGirl · 31/12/2014 12:37

Perhaps we can get away from the girly thing? I am very, very sorry for any offence used by any reference towards girls. Obviously men cannot have feminine traits.

Not sure I've ever seen anyone miss the point quite so spectacularly.

I haven't ignored the posts on ASD/AS at all. I do agree he has many such traits. I'm not able to diagnose it, and I don't know whether getting a doctor to diagnose it would do any good. It might act as an excuse for him to facilitate it.

You sound like you deserve each other. Although, perhaps he deserves someone slightly more enlightened than you.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 12:38

Three things stand out OP.

  1. You don't seem to like him very much
  2. He may have an undiagnosed condition
  3. You stay with him because you think it's the best you can hope for

Concentrate on sorting them out first as they seem to be the main problem.

opalstones · 31/12/2014 12:38

Perhaps we can get away from the girly thing? I am very, very sorry for any offence used by any reference towards girls. Obviously men cannot have feminine traits.

Thats not what people are any about. Of course people can have traits more commonly associated with the other gender.

What people are upset about is your suggestion that negative traits are girly, and it is a bad thing to be a girl.

I cannot believe you are so dense, as not to see the offence you have caused.

opalstones · 31/12/2014 12:38

angry* not any.

quietlysuggests · 31/12/2014 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoisChristmasPuddingLane · 31/12/2014 12:39

Obviously men cannot have feminine traits

You are missing the sodding point: these are not feminine traits, they are just annoying traits. Girls aren't by their nature bad at maps, directions and organisation. Hell, if they were, I'd be out of a job.

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