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DH is a bit Girly/Disorganised - Anyone Else Have One of these?

473 replies

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 11:16

...and how to cope, because its driving me mad?

This week for example, we went to the cinema, I booked the tickets, but it was a new cinema and we couldn't find it. This was after a minor drama where he lost his jacket. So we were wandering about the town, looking for it. He wouldn't ask anyone, so I had to approach 3 passers by to ask for directions, but by then he had wandered off. He wouldn't answer his phone so by the time he eventually stumbled across it, we had missed the first 40 minutes of the film.

Then after the film had ended, he had lost his car keys in the cinema. Fortunately someone had handed them in, but not before we had searched the entire cinema and I had been accused of "taking them".

We then went away in the car for a couple of days. I was going to book the first night's accommodation in a hotel but he asked me not to, as he didnt' want to be tied down. So I ended up paying nearly double to stay in the very same hotel as the on the door price was more expensive than the internet. I said he could do the accommodation for the second night, but we couldn't find anywhere, and were driving around for about 3 hours looking. A lot of places were closed and eventually we only found somewhere by pulling up at a tourist information board, me phoning various numbers on my phone and getting someone to open up a self catering apartment. DH's phone had ran out of power so he couldnt' do any phoning. He then sulked for most of the next day because he ended up paying £100 to stay in a self catering apartment for one night - he literally wouldn't speak to me or answer any questions until about 3pm.

We took it in turns to drive home, neither of us like Tom Toms but I am very good at map reading, so I gave him good directions when he was driving. As soon as we swapped, he gave me several wrong directions involving lengthy detours off the motorway into small villages, etc.. Even when we were visiting an attraction, he stood next to a massive sign saying "Exit" and announced "I'm really lost now, I can't find my way out".

He works as an engineer so should be quite practical, and he is only 45...but he seems to specialise in putting things on upside down or the wrong way round, you would think the law of change would mean he would be wrong maybe only 50% of the time but no, he bucks that trend. If you say "take the first exit at the roundabout" he is more likely to randomly take the third exit, if you say "go left" you cannot trust him not to go right.

It might sound funny but its actually incredibly stressful for me, as if I don't keep a constant watch on him, he might wander off and get lost. And driving in the dark and heavy rain late at night looking for a way back to the motorway isn't much fun. But he's quite rude with it?

OP posts:
Glastokitty · 31/12/2014 11:35

He sounds like a complete fuckwit. And what everyone else said about girly. WTF?

AnnieLobeseder · 31/12/2014 11:36

So you do have a very low opinion of girls and weird ideas of gender stereotypes. It is not a universal law that men be "masculine"; many aren't, and that's perfectly fine. And to describe pathetic behaviour as a typical trait of girls is pretty fucking insulting to girls the world over. I hope you don't have daughters.

He sounds like a selfish twat. You also seem to have very low expectations of men if you think "not cheating and having a job" are serious plus points.

Why did you marry him?

LoisChristmasPuddingLane · 31/12/2014 11:37

Well I've been a girl, and am now a woman, and I've never been remotely like that. His behaviour isn't girly because you can't define girls by those standards.

GoatsDoRoam · 31/12/2014 11:37

stop using "girly" to mean "useless and incompetent"

Girls are not useless and incompetent. Your boyfriend, however, is.

RichardParkerTheTiger · 31/12/2014 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mostlyjustaluker · 31/12/2014 11:37

So he is man child who deliberately spoils things, leaves you to all the work and you don't have sex and are not attracted to him but he has a job and does not cheat on you (though he sounds too disorganised to pull that off). He would not scorely highly out of ten based on that.

Are these new traits? What has he said when you have talked to him about them?

MissMillament · 31/12/2014 11:38

Sounds as if he could be dyspraxic to me. And also rather unpleasant.
Your second post justifying your use of the world 'girly' however, completely lost you any sympathy I might have had.
I hope you don't have any daughters, OP.

tribpot · 31/12/2014 11:38

Incidentally, on the cinema incident (Incident 1, unable to find cinema) - you did go in and see the film from the beginning? You didn't wait outside for him whilst he randomly wandered and wouldn't answer his phone? If not, why the hell not?

Cinema Incident 2 - loss of the keys. Are you convinced he didn't lose them on purpose to punish you?

Incident 3 - the hotel booking. Presumably in future you will tell him you are booking accommodation for all nights away because not to do so is (a) costly and (b) time consuming. (I can't believe you were so far from the nearest Travelodge but I guess there must be some areas of the country they don't cover!)

Carrying only his own stuff out of the car and leaving the rest to you - he thinks he's better than you are. A lot of his behaviour says that. What a charmer.

I'd get shot before he loses the one thing going for him - his job.

Unescorted · 31/12/2014 11:38

Your Dh sounds a bit of a knob.... not girly in the least. In my experience girls are human beings. Not a term of abuse.

MelanieCheeks · 31/12/2014 11:38

I recognise a teeny bit of this - when we go on holiday I like to be all planned and organised, but DH has a more laissez-faire, let's see how it goes "adventurous" approach. He enjoys "aimless wandering", I prefer to make the most out of every second.

Now, we both recognise that we have different approaches, and make allowances for that (i.e I'll find a little village or similar where "aimless wandering" will be enjoyable....). But it is still a potential stress-point.

Why didn't you check google maps in advance for the cinema?

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 11:38

I'm sorry if I have offended anyone with the use of "girly". I just don't know how else to describe him. He seems a bit feminine to me. If it was a female acting in this way, I would consider it a bit affected for attention, ie deliberate helplessness.

What I want to know is I am being intolerant in objecting to this.

He earns £50k per year! But there seem to be quite a lot of relatively incompetent men in his field who have women running around after them, who earn similar salaries. His job seems quite easy to me, obviously the technical stuff is hard, but the speed at which they do is not something I'd get away with in my job.

I do often holiday alone for a few days (its more relaxing) or with friends. His mother does the same thing - she would take him and his brothers and sisters on holiday and leave her husband behind. The whole family are a bit odd and rude, but hate it to be pointed out to them.

He could be dyspraxic, but he has remarkably good balance and I would say motor skills. His eyesight isn't good though, but I don't know if its bad enough not to be able to understand simple maps and directions. Its almost as if he deliberately doesn't concentrate, as he can do stuff correctly if he tries.

OP posts:
HouseWhereNobodyLives · 31/12/2014 11:45

This reply has been deleted

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Namechangeyetagaintohide · 31/12/2014 11:45

"A bit affected" how exactly !?

SnapeChat · 31/12/2014 11:45

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JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 11:45

tribnot Incidentally, on the cinema incident (Incident 1, unable to find cinema) - you did go in and see the film from the beginning? You didn't wait outside for him whilst he randomly wandered and wouldn't answer his phone? If not, why the hell not?

I didn't, I waited for him.

Cinema Incident 2 - loss of the keys. Are you convinced he didn't lose them on purpose to punish you?

I don't think so, no. He was stressed from being unable to find the cinema and that's probably why he lost them.

Incident 3 - the hotel booking. Presumably in future you will tell him you are booking accommodation for all nights away because not to do so is (a) costly and (b) time consuming. (I can't believe you were so far from the nearest Travelodge but I guess there must be some areas of the country they don't cover!)

I kind of forget how awful he is. Yes, we were somewhere rather remote! But I'm fed up booking and organising everything, it also means I end up paying for it all. I don't mind paying for roughly half and organising roughly half, but not everything, all the time.

I'd get shot before he loses the one thing going for him - his job.

Hmmn.

We are married because we've been together for ages. And I what I read on here about some men is far worse, it puts me off looking for anyone else.

OP posts:
Namechangeyetagaintohide · 31/12/2014 11:46

No you are not intolerant but you are acting like his mother trailing around after him, making phone calls for him and asking passers by because he "refuses".

It is ridiculous and he is behaving like a spoilt child. Which you are putting up with and probably enabling.

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 11:47

Namechange "A bit affected" how exactly !?

Fake, pretending you can't do things that an adult is perfectly capable of doing.

I think manchild is what I meant. Although tbh "man" isn't that appropriate a word. "Boychild" might be better.

OP posts:
Namechangeyetagaintohide · 31/12/2014 11:49

If that's harsh I'm sorry. But I wouldn't put up with it. I'd have left him to it. If he can manage at work he can manage at home.

SnapeChat · 31/12/2014 11:50

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tribpot · 31/12/2014 11:50

I can understand why you're reluctant just to take over the organisation of everything but waiting outside the cinema for him when the film was starting was just daft. Why didn't you go in?

Interesting that you would then have to pay for everything, why aren't finances pooled?

In terms of are there worse men out there, certainly. But why does the goal have to be finding a man? This one is essentially neither use nor ornament anyway.

LoisChristmasPuddingLane · 31/12/2014 11:50

I still don't see how his behaviour is a bit feminine. I have no problem with directions, maps, booking hotels or any of the other stuff. And I have a vagina and everything.

Viviennemary · 31/12/2014 11:53

He sounds a pain in the neck but can't see what that's got to do with the description of 'girly'. Don't think I could put up with this level of incompetence and stupidity.

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 11:53

I haven't got the goal of "finding a man" tribpot - I've been doing things alone for years. I do think it would be nice to have someone to do things together with though.

OP posts:
TooTypical · 31/12/2014 11:55

Some characteristics could be associated with high-functioning autism.

Weak executive coherence. Focus on details rather than on the bigger picture. Sensory issues. Lack of interest in conventionally 'macho' behaviour.

Amateur diagnosis via internet is not really my thing. But it sounds as if you are puzzled and looking for a way to explain his behaviour.

ImperialBlether · 31/12/2014 11:55

Sorry, I'm too much in shock at your OP to reply.