DH is a bit Girly/Disorganised - Anyone Else Have One of these?

[JessieJJJ]

...and how to cope, because its driving me mad?

This week for example, we went to the cinema, I booked the tickets, but it was a new cinema and we couldn't find it. This was after a minor drama where he lost his jacket. So we were wandering about the town, looking for it. He wouldn't ask anyone, so I had to approach 3 passers by to ask for directions, but by then he had wandered off. He wouldn't answer his phone so by the time he eventually stumbled across it, we had missed the first 40 minutes of the film.

Then after the film had ended, he had lost his car keys in the cinema. Fortunately someone had handed them in, but not before we had searched the entire cinema and I had been accused of "taking them".

We then went away in the car for a couple of days. I was going to book the first night's accommodation in a hotel but he asked me not to, as he didnt' want to be tied down. So I ended up paying nearly double to stay in the very same hotel as the on the door price was more expensive than the internet. I said he could do the accommodation for the second night, but we couldn't find anywhere, and were driving around for about 3 hours looking. A lot of places were closed and eventually we only found somewhere by pulling up at a tourist information board, me phoning various numbers on my phone and getting someone to open up a self catering apartment. DH's phone had ran out of power so he couldnt' do any phoning. He then sulked for most of the next day because he ended up paying £100 to stay in a self catering apartment for one night - he literally wouldn't speak to me or answer any questions until about 3pm.

We took it in turns to drive home, neither of us like Tom Toms but I am very good at map reading, so I gave him good directions when he was driving. As soon as we swapped, he gave me several wrong directions involving lengthy detours off the motorway into small villages, etc.. Even when we were visiting an attraction, he stood next to a massive sign saying "Exit" and announced "I'm really lost now, I can't find my way out".

He works as an engineer so should be quite practical, and he is only 45...but he seems to specialise in putting things on upside down or the wrong way round, you would think the law of change would mean he would be wrong maybe only 50% of the time but no, he bucks that trend. If you say "take the first exit at the roundabout" he is more likely to randomly take the third exit, if you say "go left" you cannot trust him not to go right.

It might sound funny but its actually incredibly stressful for me, as if I don't keep a constant watch on him, he might wander off and get lost. And driving in the dark and heavy rain late at night looking for a way back to the motorway isn't much fun. But he's quite rude with it?

Objecting to sexist language that demeans girls is mainstream, nit something that occurs only when people "gang up".

And I think OP's choice of language and lack of concern about giving offence do in themselves provide an extra insight into the communication parts of the difficulties she has with her RH.

girly" is a phrase I would use for an adult of either sex who behaves a bit like a child and pretends to be helpless regarding things they should be capable of managing perfectly well

Ralgex - YOU read the post, it is repugnant.

Huh?

There's one of me. And (at least to the revolting point I could bear to read up to) she didn't sound remotely distressed. She sounds unabashedly unpleasant.

But then I am the mother of both daughters and dyspraxics. So am doubly affronted by her idiocy.

He could be dyspraxic. He could also be a git. He is certainly not being nice to the OP. Amazed at how many people do not see this as the main issue here.

Opalstones, there has been no apology which you deign to consider acceptable. Who knows what you would find acceptable, though? Perhaps you could spell it out - if you could all agree on a form of words.

OP (and others who are interested), I recommend a film/documentary called "Miss Representation" (available on Netflix or extended trailer here: m.youtube.com/watch?v=S5pM1fW6hNs) and a second called "The Mask you live in" by the same Director (not yet released but trailer here: m.youtube.com/watch?v=hc45-ptHMxo)

Happily raglex: 'I am sorry to use 'girly' to refer to negative traits. It is not negative to be a girl.'

A lot of what you say about him sounds very much like my DH. I'm convinced he has undiagnosed dyspraxia. But his motor skills really are appalling, he also has v poor executive function. It's very frustrating to live with and I often feel like Betty from Some Mothers Do Have Em

My DD is very similar but social communication problems too and is currently being for ASD.

I am also aghast that she wont entertain suggesting her husband looks at the possibility of having ASD in case he then 'uses it' as an excuse to be how he is....

having a partner and 2 children on the spectrum (one of whom is a 'girl') takes a HUGE amount of understanding, empathy and taking responsibility for their limitations. It does mean doing alot of stuff myself, or doing stuff alone, but I wouldnt be without any of them.

And I find it quite offensive that OP may think that I should just have left them to struggle in case they tried to use their conditions to avoid stuff they found impossible.

Does everyone else agree? Would that put an end to the ganging up?

Then can we actually help the OP instead of kicking her when she's down?

OP has apologised for offence caused, so don't know how her 'lack of concern for giving offence' can be identified. She may not have phrased it as people would like, but that is not lacking concern.

X post - does everyone attacking the OP agree with OPalstones' form of words?

Quite, TendonQueen. You wonder what people attacking the OP are getting out of this.

Teacher by any chance Raglex? Feels like you've done this before.

FFS - the girly thing I get - I agree it is sexist...but we all know what the OP is trying to say...
She isn't saying girls are crap - she is saying the stereotypical girly girl - simpering, helpless, needy, child-like, useless. Can anyone suggest another word the OP could maybe use?

I even think it is different from the 'like a girl' thing - like a girl implies that all girls are like that ...you wouldn't describe all girls/women as 'girly'.
She obviously has a problem with her DH and most people are not helping just critising her for the use of language that is still in common everyday use ...yes it is everyday sexism - yes we do need to be aware and to challenge it - but that's been done to death on this thread...suggest an alternative and move on...

Oh and for clarification. I am offended as a woman who was a girl. And the mother of the daughter. And the mother of a child with dyspraxia who found it hugely empowering to have a diagnosis and has never once used it as an excuse, but did fine it helpful to no longer feel that he was "just crap.

It's very frustrating to live with and I often feel like Betty from Some Mothers Do Have Em

*NettleTea I might be wrong, but I read her reluctance to encourage her husband to seek a diagnosis to be because she is worried that if he does, he will just use it as an excuse...

I don't know whether getting a doctor to diagnose it would do any good. It might act as an excuse for him to facilitate it.*

Folk Girl - I understand what you are saying, but if he DOES have ASD then it isnt an excuse, he really CANT do those things, although the acknowledgement that he cant, and his own understanding that he cant, could drastivcally reduce the sulks, anger and defensiveness.

And if all tests for executive function/ASD come back as perfectly normal, then he will have no excuse at all, and we can all agree that he is just a lazy entitled arse who has learned his patterns from his dysfunctional family.

The trouble is that an undiagnosed ASD can look awful close to an abusive prick, and certainly can feel the same from the inside. BUT someone with a neurological development problem can be helped to adjust their behaviour and understand their strengths and weaknesses. An abuser is very unlikely to. If you are at the point where the relationship is coming into question and there are some seriously big markers for ASD, surely its wise to check that out. You may still need to walk out, but a diagnosis can start to give him the tools to help himself, if indeed it is the root of the problem.

I always thought that my husband was naturally quite inattentive, or distracted, tired, overworked, occasionally maybe mildly depressed. He didn't join in with stuff, also wouldn't think to carry things, and would sometimes sabotage my plans by forgetting something, not getting up on time, not getting home at the right time, not answering the phone. It's only now that we've split up, and I found out that his libido was far healthier than I knew, that I have gradually realised he must simply have not liked me very much for years, or certainly didn't particularly want to do what I did. He was just too much of a coward to say anything. It seems all that "inattentive" behaviour was a big drawn-out sulk.

Well said House

Unlucky83 makes a good point.

The OP hasn't worded it very well. But the kindest interpretation here is that a very stressed woman looking for help meant the self-infantalising behaviour that some woman adopt.

Well use of language is clever isn't it? I can apologise if something I said has offended someone, but not apologise for having said it in the first place.

But anyway, I think the main issue here is that the OP has said a few things that suggest she wouldn't be open to the support anyway. She's already rejected discussing ASD with her husband in case he uses it as an excuse.

If he really is that intolerable to live with (and I live with my son, so I know how infuriating it can be on a day to day basis) and she doesn't feel like she can/wants to deal with it (and there's no reason why she should) then maybe they'd both be better off apart.

If she wants to just rang about it, but not take any of the steps necessary to change it, then, to be honest, that's fair enough too.

She isn't saying girls are crap - she is saying the stereotypical girly girl - simpering, helpless, needy, child-like, useless. Can anyone suggest another word the OP could maybe use?

Well she could use all of those words: helpless, needy, childlike, useless along with incompetent and lazy and we'd all understand them perfectly well.

He works as an engineer so should be quite practical

Asperger's used to be called "The Engineer's Disease".

People with Asperger's are not automatically sulky, demanding and bossy. All types of personality characteristics can occur alongside it (I had one who was a grumpy emotional abuser.) It sounds as if your H grew up with sexist, entitled values which have led him to feel people - women in particular - should be his servants. I wouldn't feel sexually attracted to someone who treated me like a servant: nothing to do with gender roles.

It also sounds, I'm afraid, as if you buy into his view as well, with your fixation on 'masculine' and 'feminine' behaviours. Asperger's would seem to explain the executive & pragmatic mishaps that irritate you. The remaining questions are: Can you live with it (as it can't be 'cured'); Are you prepared to patiently teach him not to be sexist?