DH is a bit Girly/Disorganised - Anyone Else Have One of these?

[JessieJJJ]

...and how to cope, because its driving me mad?

This week for example, we went to the cinema, I booked the tickets, but it was a new cinema and we couldn't find it. This was after a minor drama where he lost his jacket. So we were wandering about the town, looking for it. He wouldn't ask anyone, so I had to approach 3 passers by to ask for directions, but by then he had wandered off. He wouldn't answer his phone so by the time he eventually stumbled across it, we had missed the first 40 minutes of the film.

Then after the film had ended, he had lost his car keys in the cinema. Fortunately someone had handed them in, but not before we had searched the entire cinema and I had been accused of "taking them".

We then went away in the car for a couple of days. I was going to book the first night's accommodation in a hotel but he asked me not to, as he didnt' want to be tied down. So I ended up paying nearly double to stay in the very same hotel as the on the door price was more expensive than the internet. I said he could do the accommodation for the second night, but we couldn't find anywhere, and were driving around for about 3 hours looking. A lot of places were closed and eventually we only found somewhere by pulling up at a tourist information board, me phoning various numbers on my phone and getting someone to open up a self catering apartment. DH's phone had ran out of power so he couldnt' do any phoning. He then sulked for most of the next day because he ended up paying £100 to stay in a self catering apartment for one night - he literally wouldn't speak to me or answer any questions until about 3pm.

We took it in turns to drive home, neither of us like Tom Toms but I am very good at map reading, so I gave him good directions when he was driving. As soon as we swapped, he gave me several wrong directions involving lengthy detours off the motorway into small villages, etc.. Even when we were visiting an attraction, he stood next to a massive sign saying "Exit" and announced "I'm really lost now, I can't find my way out".

He works as an engineer so should be quite practical, and he is only 45...but he seems to specialise in putting things on upside down or the wrong way round, you would think the law of change would mean he would be wrong maybe only 50% of the time but no, he bucks that trend. If you say "take the first exit at the roundabout" he is more likely to randomly take the third exit, if you say "go left" you cannot trust him not to go right.

It might sound funny but its actually incredibly stressful for me, as if I don't keep a constant watch on him, he might wander off and get lost. And driving in the dark and heavy rain late at night looking for a way back to the motorway isn't much fun. But he's quite rude with it?

Actually, you both sounds pretty intolerable.

He is a useless and incompetent man, you seem to think it is appropriate to insult people by calling them 'girly' are you not a 'girl' - or at least were at some point? Do you not find that offensive?

My son is dyspraxic. He has reasonably good balance but is terribly disorganised and forgets what he is doing. He finds it hard to apply learning from one experience to another. It's not deliberate, but it is very frustrating.

I'd never call him 'girly' though.

I am a woman and was, therefore, a girl. I've never been as you describe.

We are married because we've been together for ages. And I what I read on here about some men is far worse, it puts me off looking for anyone else.

Habit is not a good reason to stay married, if the person is a drain on you.

Also, relationships are not compulsory: just because you dump someone doesn't mean you have to obtain a replacement.

Have you spoken to him about any of this behaviour?

My DH was a bit of a man child when I meet him. 21 with an overbearing mother but he has changed not because I changed him but because I pointed out his unacceptable behaviour.

This won't changed unless he want it to but if he does not see a problem he will stay the same.

You say "DH" in the title.

Was he always like this, or has it changed since you married?

Dyspraxia might be an explanation for some of the events. But never for his shitty uncooperative attitude.

The deal breakers for me would be that when he fucks up he strops, sulks and blames you. The stuff about being disorganised would bother me but bother me less because there's no malice there. The absence of sex would also be a dealbreaker for me.

Do you have DC? If you did I suspect you would have even less patience with his childishness, but then you might find you'd feel it'd be too late to leave him then.
These boards are full of awful men because people are driven to post about stuff they want help with. I know lots of lovely men IRL, but I don't come on here to say I know normal, decent men who don't cause drama or heartache.

What everyone else has already said about 'girly'.

And what was it that first attracted to you this person?

I'm sorry if I have offended anyone with the use of "girly"

What, so that wasn't your primary reason for posting then?

I think the issues can be resolved, but it depends on what his attitude is. Does he see the losing jackets, keys etc and bad navigating as a problem himself? Or does he feel it makes him endearing?

He sounds pathetic, doesn't he realise the effect that his sulking etc is having on you?

You can do so much better.

Not to derail the thread further, but the word "girly" is certainly not the one you were looking for. Perhaps choose from: incompetent, inept, attention seeking, absent minded or, indeed, childish but girly is certainly wrong!

More on point, my father was somewhat like this... earned a fair bit of money in a highly specialised, high pressure job but... got us lost in venice once because he was holding the map upside down. Was left to look after my siblings for a weekend and forgot to feed them. Killed three houseplant by pouring weedkiller on them instead of water. I don't know how my mother survived... (or my siblings and I, really!)

However, my father was always apologetic and accepted his mistakes immediately. I wouldn't have described his behaviour as deliberate at all and I am concerned at your thought that perhaps your DH is behaving in this manner/exaggerating his forgetful tendencies to garner attention.

Do you really think this is true, or is it wishful thinking because you cannot imagine a man successful in his career could be so incompetent at managing at daily life? How does he get on when you are not "babysitting" him? Is he always churlish when he makes a mistake or does he sometimes accept it with good grace? Is he angry because he's embarrassed or is the rude behaviour normal for him?

I can't say without knowing you and your DH but his behaviour, whilst funny from a distance, sounds infuriating to live with. Do you feel that he does better if you can't help him (i.e. how does he get on when you are not with him)?

OP let's not even go there with the girly thing eh?

Anyway this man would drive me INSANE. I would not tolerate it. I would certainly not enable it as you do.

Have you got DC with him?

Being a bit of an incompetent idiot is one thing. Sulking, being grumpy and nasty to you is quite another

CharlieSierra What, so that wasn't your primary reason for posting then?

Does no-one else have a DH/DP who does this sort of stuff?

(is he really that bad is what I am trying to find out).

re the losing jackets - you are right *MelanieCheeks" it is more than one. I think he has lost about 4 jackets, because he tends to just abandon them in public places while he is off doing something else. And then they get stolen. I am not making this up!

He doesn't think about it at all really. It just happens. He doesn't seem to learn particularly well from things that have happened previously.

I am wondering if he is senile or has some kind of other illness. I know he is young for it, and he has always been much the same, but he seems slightly worse of late. Basically, things that should be obvious to most people aren't obvious to him. But his whole family are like that - you are not allowed to blame anyone for anything, or have an argument about something really bad that someone has done, it all has to be ignored, and I am the unreasonable one in attempting to point out that its unacceptable, no matter how mildly I do so.

I don't have much to do with his family now. I don't think they like me much!

"girly" is a phrase I would use for an adult of either sex who behaves a bit like a child and pretends to be helpless regarding things they should be capable of managing perfectly well.

That's because you are sexist.

Losing track of jacket, mobile phone, keys is partly a co-ordination issue.
If you are well integrated neurologically and have a good memory you can keep track of items about your person easily.

He may have very good motor skills in some areas and poor ones in others.

Equally, he may be very good at his job but chaotic, messy and all over the place outside it.

You see a similar phenomenon with ASD spectrum - people are often disordered behaviourally or emotionally but have one, two or more skills they are exceptional at - drawing or something technical/technological, for example.

The concentration and memory issues, the difficultly with plans and organisation, the constantly losing things, problems map reading and poor sense of direction, the over-sensitivity to touch during sex, these are all issues that could be dyspraxia or even ASD spectrum.

I've no idea over the net, but it might be worth looking into.

ICanTotallyDance I can't say without knowing you and your DH but his behaviour, whilst funny from a distance, sounds infuriating to live with. Do you feel that he does better if you can't help him (i.e. how does he get on when you are not with him)?

Good point. I've been working away from home for the last six months, and he has got worse in this period. I mean, he manages well enough to go to work and feed and clean himself (though he is incredibly untidy and a bit of a hoarder) but he gets fanciful ideas and becomes way more disorganised. Its obvious he is relying on me to an extent to organise him.

(hence we had our short trip away together...)

I don't think they like me much!

I can't imagine why...

girly
feminine
senile

all as insults.

You sound lovely...

TooTypical

Some characteristics could be associated with high-functioning autism.

Weak executive coherence. Focus on details rather than on the bigger picture. Sensory issues. Lack of interest in conventionally 'macho' behaviour

Xpost - quite.

Have you looked at Executive Functioning - because, for some reason or other, he seems to be sadly lacking in that department.
How about looking along the autistic spectrum? Especially heading towards the Aspergers end.

He may be aware that he is useless in many many situations and that makes him horribly angry and defensive. Its not an excuse, its not acceptable, but it MAY be a reason. The fact that others in his family are similar sort of adds to it either being an attitude he has picked up or an inherited condition.

If you are struggling with carrying stuff will he help if you ask, or do you not ask?

He may WANT and THINK that he can arrange hotels, but in actual fact he couldnt organise a pissup in a brewery, so his inevitable fail is just going to make stuff work.

The question is whether he would be open to investigating that? Because IF he is ASD then some things he just may not be able to do, and in all honesty it can be quite a lonely journey. But it might ease up in his anger and frustration and enable him (and you) to put certain things in place for predictable situations.

But that aside, there is no reason why you should be paying everything - even if you book it you need to ask him to give you the money for it.

opalstones "girly" is a phrase I would use for an adult of either sex who behaves a bit like a child and pretends to be helpless regarding things they should be capable of managing perfectly well.

That's because you are sexist.

That's actually a good example of what he will do. He will focus on one word or phrase that he doesn't like and keep repeating it to make a point. So you will get into "But you said this", and "but you said that", and he will talk over you when you try to explain.

Maybe its me?

you are not allowed to blame anyone for anything, or have an argument about something really bad that someone has done, it all has to be ignored, and I am the unreasonable one in attempting to point out that its unacceptable,

Forgetfulness and being a klutz are fine.
But this is not.

You also said, earlier, that reading threads here keeps you in your marriage because other men sound so much worse. Look at it from this perspective: reading threads like yours makes me thank the stars that I am single. Crap relationships like that sound pretty detrimental to happiness and well-being.

I had a boyfriend like your husband, briefly. Drama-llama, self-absorbed, couldn't take blame, had sex issues - the lot. Whenever I (rarely) think of him, it is a though full of the joy and relief of no longer having that shit to deal with.

Honestly, shuck him of. You'll be amazed at how much more joy you find in the world without this dark cloud sucking the life-force out of you.

If he has got worse then he needs to go to the doctors because you are right it could be an illness?

You seem to keep ignoring my question - what does he say when you have spoken to him about this?

I don't think you should be focusing on how bad is he compared to others but look instead at what you are prepared to put up with.

Hmm...

In that case, do you know whether he was disorganised before you got together or is this a learned dependence/shift in behaviour.

If he has always been like this, that is irritating but there may be nothing you can do! Either grin and bear it or pack it in.

If he has become forgetful, then (not to armchair diagnose), you may be right in your consideration of illness and it could be an indication of a more serious problem, be it psychological or neurological or something else entirely, and may require specialist assessment and help.

I'm sorry if you were looking for a more lighthearted thread or some handholding, it doesn't seem like anyone else has a DH quite as bad!

Maybe take a look at this video - like a girl.
m.youtube.com/watch?v=XjJQBjWYDTs

Mostlyjustalurker If he has got worse then he needs to go to the doctors because you are right it could be an illness?

I am worried a bit, because a close relative of his died from a degenerative neurological illness, and a few others have/had dementia.

You seem to keep ignoring my question - what does he say when you have spoken to him about this?

He will just attempt to talk over me, get defensive, deny, blames me. If he would just apologise when he makes one of his huge mistakes, that would be fine - I just move on then.

I don't think he is a bad person. I just find this really difficult to deal with. I am not, and do not want to be, some kind of counsellor. I was attracted to him in the first place because, believe it or not, he was quite independent - at 24, he had a good job, owned his own flat and lived in a city quite a bit away from his parents.

That's actually a good example of what he will do. He will focus on one word or phrase that he doesn't like and keep repeating it to make a point. So you will get into "But you said this", and "but you said that", and he will talk over you when you try to explain

All of which is annoying, but still not 'girly'.

Unless you are a man who has deliberately made the whole thing up just to insult everyone on here.

If not, then I suggest you look at the relationship you have and compare it to the relationship you want. If you don't want to be with him, then leave. You don't have to be in a relationship. You don't need to find another man to replace him. It's not compulsory.