DH is a bit Girly/Disorganised - Anyone Else Have One of these?

[JessieJJJ]

...and how to cope, because its driving me mad?

This week for example, we went to the cinema, I booked the tickets, but it was a new cinema and we couldn't find it. This was after a minor drama where he lost his jacket. So we were wandering about the town, looking for it. He wouldn't ask anyone, so I had to approach 3 passers by to ask for directions, but by then he had wandered off. He wouldn't answer his phone so by the time he eventually stumbled across it, we had missed the first 40 minutes of the film.

Then after the film had ended, he had lost his car keys in the cinema. Fortunately someone had handed them in, but not before we had searched the entire cinema and I had been accused of "taking them".

We then went away in the car for a couple of days. I was going to book the first night's accommodation in a hotel but he asked me not to, as he didnt' want to be tied down. So I ended up paying nearly double to stay in the very same hotel as the on the door price was more expensive than the internet. I said he could do the accommodation for the second night, but we couldn't find anywhere, and were driving around for about 3 hours looking. A lot of places were closed and eventually we only found somewhere by pulling up at a tourist information board, me phoning various numbers on my phone and getting someone to open up a self catering apartment. DH's phone had ran out of power so he couldnt' do any phoning. He then sulked for most of the next day because he ended up paying £100 to stay in a self catering apartment for one night - he literally wouldn't speak to me or answer any questions until about 3pm.

We took it in turns to drive home, neither of us like Tom Toms but I am very good at map reading, so I gave him good directions when he was driving. As soon as we swapped, he gave me several wrong directions involving lengthy detours off the motorway into small villages, etc.. Even when we were visiting an attraction, he stood next to a massive sign saying "Exit" and announced "I'm really lost now, I can't find my way out".

He works as an engineer so should be quite practical, and he is only 45...but he seems to specialise in putting things on upside down or the wrong way round, you would think the law of change would mean he would be wrong maybe only 50% of the time but no, he bucks that trend. If you say "take the first exit at the roundabout" he is more likely to randomly take the third exit, if you say "go left" you cannot trust him not to go right.

It might sound funny but its actually incredibly stressful for me, as if I don't keep a constant watch on him, he might wander off and get lost. And driving in the dark and heavy rain late at night looking for a way back to the motorway isn't much fun. But he's quite rude with it?

To sidestep all this nonsense, OP, if you're still reading this is my take on your situation:

If you are at the point of considering ending the relationship then you have nothing to lose from laying everything on the table.

I think you have to say to him that he has significant problems that are getting worse and you find them very difficult to cope with. That he is an adult and he must take adult responsibility for his issues: he needs to consider seriously if he may be ASD spectrum etc and follow through with getting tested.

At the moment you are both a carer and enabler, and your coping with and managing his substantial problems allow him to get out of taking responsibility for them, to stick his head in the sand, to pretend everything is ok.

I would warn him that to fail to step up and take responsibility at this point, may well mean the relationship is doomed, so he has to think carefully about his choice.

Personally I wouldn't bother with the GP or CBT for the moment - the latter will be no use if he is ASD spectrum and the therapist has no experience of it. The GP is the place to go to ask for a referral once your husband has owned his issues. (I'm well aware that this likely won't happen - in that circumstance there's absolutely nothing you can do).

he needs to consider seriously if he may be ASD spectrum etc and follow through with getting tested.

OP has said more than once that she considers that SpLD dxs are used as 'excuses' for laziness and ineptitude (yet another of her offensive views).

She is actively opposed to the idea.

'Girly' is simply not in the same league as a racial insult, and, even if it were, if someone asks for help you help them regardless of whether they use words you don't like. Doctors, nurses, therapists, Women's support charities such as WA and Rape Crisis do not refuse to help women on the basis of their terminology.

Projecting your own offence above the needs of the OP is simply narcissism.

To sidestep all this nonsense Ha!

he needs to consider seriously if he may be ASD spectrum etc and follow through with getting tested. Well, first of all the OP would have to believe in its existence as anything more than an excuse for his lazy, incompetent, girly ways.

'Girly' is simply not in the same league as a racial insult, and, even if it were, if someone asks for help you help them regardless of whether they use words you don't like.

Racism = awful, Sexism = trifle awkward?? I see

Doctors, nurses, therapists, Women's support charities such as WA and Rape Crisis do not refuse to help women on the basis of their terminology.

Enough with the innuendo that OP has described anything approaching abuse. I am never one to give benefit of the doubt re DA. This is not an abuse thread. It is dreadful to pretend it is.

I agree with Twinklestein about narcissism.

Florafox, what you have inferred from my clearly written posts is so far from reality that it's not worth even beginning to set you right. Misconstruing all over the place. Where would one start?

The OP has said quite clearly, if people would actually deign to read what people post, that her dh's GP has advised him not to seek an ASD diagnosis. To make up stuff about her thoughts on the matter is absurd, although can obviously be extrememly helpful in scoring cheap points.

OP did apologise for the 'girly' characterisation, actually. She also said she'd reconsider whether she could get/wangle/trick DH to get some sort of neuro evaluation.

Ralgex, balding, Arsenic - If you need to discuss how feminism should be done, may I suggest you take it onto the FWR board?

Btw, Flora's absolutely right: discussion of everyday sexism was the prime focus of consciousness groups. Feminism's all about being conscious of how women's perceived status affects our lives, innit?!

A large part of consciousness-raising was learning to listen to other women, and learning to understand what they were actually saying, not what the listener imagined they must be saying based on projection.

This was particularly relevant when First World women were telling Third World women what they ought to be doing with their lives.

Thanks for the suggestion, Gallic, but I'm really not into being misconstrued all over the place. Waste of bloody time.

She also said she'd reconsider whether she could get/wangle/trick DH to get some sort of neuro evaluation

I think that this is the only way to move forward together, otherwise nothing will change and OP will continue to be miserable.

However, it's really not a good sign that it all has to come from OP. Especially if she has to resort to tricking him. It all sounds like way too much hard work. This is not what happy relationships look like. OP might as well be on her own if she is doing all the work.

In fact, I suspect that OP will have to end the relationship to find any kind of personal happiness. I don't think he will co-operate. Either because he likes the way he is and wants to keep the status quo or because he can't see/accept that he may have an as yet undiagnosed condition.

Even if he is diagnosed, that doesn't automatically mean his behaviour will change. He might not even be able to change. It's going to be a long struggle OP and I can't see much of a happy outcome either way.

Of course, in the long run, you could be very happy once you get through all the trauma of separation. But the thought of letting it come to that might be enough to stop you doing it anyway.

for you OP.

Thanks so very much for dumping me in a category with ralgex and balding, Gallic

Oh, god, sorry!! I must have skimmed the quotes you posted, and attributed them to you Arsenic

Racism = awful, Sexism = trifle awkward?? I see

It's not a question of type but of degree, 'girly' is not up there with 'cunt' or 'whore' and even if it were, decent people don't refuse to help someone on the basis of their choice of words.

But I will not be dragged into this bickering rubbish, that's all I have to say.

It's not the word, it is the insidious representation of gender.

CBA to be drawn back in either, though.

This thread has gone round and round with people making the same points and counter-points and missing-the-points. I was bemused reading the posts for the last couple of days and don't have a clue why I joined in again today

Fairenuff, you are right in that the problem lies with the fact that the dh's GP has advised against pursuing a diagnosis. That will lead to further denial, of the dh's condition, of his behaviours, of how unhappy they make his dw.

The policy on the part of GPs of denying adults a diagnosis is certainly worth questioning on MN, which is why this thread, if it hadn't been so comprehensively trashed, would have been a very enlightening one.

Twinklestein, the line between one human helping another human with a disability, and enabling, is a very fine one to draw.

Thanks but it wasn't me who said that.

I think OP should do what's best for her and not bother trying to get him help. He will seek help himself if he wants to. OP, on the other hand, could do a lot to make her own life happier but seems equally reluctant to explore those avenues. They seem stuck in a rut with neither of them willing to do anything about it

Ralgex since your knowledge of consciousness raising comes from a website on women's history, I'm going to attribute the appropriate weight to your views on how to do feminism.

FloraFox - yet again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How on God's green earth do you conclude that my knowledge of CR comes from a website on women's history????????

Fairenuff, I don't think it's fair to say the OP is unwilling to do anything about it - she is actively seeking advice, from the GP, for example. I think for some of us, probably the majority, it's important to have a stab at understanding why a marriage hasn't worked. If only to avoid the same kind of relationship again, and to recognise what kind of man offers only that kind of relationship.

She is doing something about trying to sort out his problems but she should be concentrating on herself at least equally, if not more. We cannot change another person. We cannot make another person do anything. And we cannot blame them for our own unhappiness when we have it in our power to walk away from it.

The thing most likely to kick start him into action is OP herself taking action for herself. I think she should speak to him in very plain, clear language and made sure he understands.

Such as

You book all the appointments you need to make sure that you get referred to a specialist with a view to getting a diagnosis.

You keep me informed every day about what's going on, when your appointments are and what the outcome is.

I will stay with you whilst this process is going on but if it doesn't happen I will look into leaving because I am unhappy living like this.

I also think that OP would benefit from counselling for herself in order to avoid future relationships like this and to understand why she accepts this kind of relationship.

I should imagine the first two are unlikely to happen. But they would be good ultimata.

Very helpful post, anyway.

Ralgex did you read your link? Also your are using CR to bolster you point whereas it is entirely the opposite of what you are doing here. You are discouraging women from analysing and challenging language that insults and undermines women. That's head patting, not consciousness raising.

it is entirely the opposite of what you are doing here. You are discouraging women from analysing and challenging language that insults and undermines women

Sad but glaringly true. However, I suspect the issue isn't so much that Ralgex considers it OK to say "girl = disorganised twit", as that Ralgex has appointed herself arbiter of the thread. Despite explanations of why OP's particular approach (now modified) seemed to point to complications in her relationship, Ralgex decided it was irrelevant and chose to 'protectively' attack anyone who criticised.

As you why you're persisting, Ralgex, I'm stumped. Have you ever uttered the phrase "I see your point, perhaps you're right"?