Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive or not in love?

[notsureifitsme]

I've just had to fix myself a stiff drink - I've been crying for about 30 minutes.

I feel convinced that I make my boyfriend angry, upset and that its something I do that makes him treat me the way he does.

On the one hand, I've never felt this loved before (when its good) but on the other, I don't think I've cried this much in my life.

I've always been very strong willed, would always stand up for myself and make it known when I'm not happy with someone. And I still do this to a point with my boyfriend, but he's just so over powering and aggressive vocally that I can't compete.

Typical example of a week in our lives - I'm happy, upbeat, being nice. He'll suddenly be in a mood and not want to see me, he has depression (but won't seek help or diagnosis) so my normal reaction of 'well thats shit, why?' is replaced by 'ok, hope you feel better' because I don't want to rock the boat.

Next day he'll get shirty with me or get annoyed with something I'm saying or doing and I'll simply say 'please don't talk to me like that' and he'll lose his mind with anger and start saying horrible things and again being so verbally aggressive and swearing, then will ignore me.

The whole time I don't understand what I've done to warrant such a reaction.

He says he wants to talk about us sometimes (issues and whatnot) but he can't because of the way I behave, that I'm argumentative. I'm not at all though? I don't talk in a delicate way or anything but I certainly don't yell or have an attitude.

The pattern seems to be - I start off not knowing what the problem is, then the problem turns out to be completely my fault, and then I come round to thinking its my fault and chase him to resolve it, and I get rejected.

The rational part of my brain says, you're wonderful and loving and extremely patient, it is him. But then the other part says well he can't be imagining it can he? Must be doing something to tick him off.

Feel like I'm going mad.

[banburycake]

Slowly

[notsureifitsme]

NightOfTheCactus would you mind if I PM you?

[trackrBird]

Don't open the door.

[notsureifitsme]

Sorry if I'm annoying anyone - I know it seems obvious, just really wanted to get my thoughts out and some advice/previous experience of this.

I am strong, I won't put up with this anymore.

[DoubleValiumLattePlease]

Is this the first abusive relationship you've been in? Because it is, you know, abusive. He is a grade A Best-In-Show Award Winning Abusive Twat. What's in it for you to stay? As far as I can see only more and more and worse misery. Are you strong enough to end it?

[notsureifitsme]

Yes this is my first, I've never had a boyfriend treat me badly.

I've never broken up with someone I 'love' before either, but I suppose many many women/men have had to do it before me.

[DoubleValiumLattePlease]

I don't think you 'love' him. You obviously think you do - but you can't really love someone who - or so it seems to me - actually hates you. Maybe you're a little addicted to mothering him or hoping that you can be the one to change him, to make him finally happy. But you can't you know. Nobody can change these people.
I truly wish you strength to cut loose from this and find the mutual love you deserve.

[AWholeLottaNosy]

Please read this article and see if any of these things ring true for you...
counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/loser/

[tribpot]

Agreed - don't open that door. I assume he's been drinking.

The bouquet thing is a classic example of how everything is your fault. All you did was catch something so it didn't actually smack you in the chops. Yes, lots of jokey significance attached to it but that's just how it goes at weddings. All he had to say was 'ha ha' but no - he has to make a complete tit of himself and humiliate you - and it's your fault for catching the flowers.

If you hadn't have caught it, he probably would have made out you didn't love him enough and you'd embarrassed him in front of his friends.

You need to read up about love bombing, btw. Nearly all abusers have to be nice as well, to keep their victims on the hook. You want to believe the nice version is the real him and if you can find the key to understanding his personality he won't keep switching to the nasty him and be nice all the time.

[SoMuchForSubtlety]

I've never broken up with someone I 'love' before

Love isn't enough for a relationship to work. You need mutual respect and trust as well. I don't think he respects you, he sounds selfish and manipulative.

[IAmAShitHotLawyer]

don't open that door. Tell him its gone ten o clock and your going to bed now and if he doesn't leave you'll call the police.

[IAmAShitHotLawyer]

Did something happen today? Something which triggered all this?

[notsureifitsme]

I told today him (via text) how he had made me feel at the wedding, and I feel like he doesn't like me, let alone love me - and I need some space.

He responded with "You're not the only one who's hurt. I'm so upset that I actually think I'm startin to hate u,& that's so fucked up. I wanted to live with u, start a family with u & be with u for as long as possible but u just go & behave the way u do an then blame me and accuse me of nearly everything imaginable. I refuse to let someone who I've been with for almost five years turn around and accuse me of such things and also tell me that I don't care about them. Therefore, unless u have something nice to say to me, pls leave me alone."

I don't get it? I haven't done anything to hurt him.

I think I need to get angry.

Says he's staying outside in his car until I answer the door - I've not responded to anything he's texted me.

[Twinklestein]

Five years? Seriously? You've wasted 5 years on this shit? Why?

He doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you. Can you really not see that all of his moods and rages are simply his abusive personality that he chooses to blame you for? That you've done to provoke let alone justify his behaviour?

[notsureifitsme]

I adopted a cocker spaniel a few months ago because I've wanted a dog for years since our family dog passed away, and was feeling lonely for always being cancelled on - she makes me so happy.

He says I'm more affectionate with her than with him.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Ugh, he's revolting. What an idiot. Twisted little me, me, me games. What he wrote doesn't make any sense because:

A) he wants to bluff and obfuscate and spin everything until you don't trust your own feelings

B) his only objective is for him to Be Right and for you to Be Guilty

and

C) he's a bit stupid.

[MrsPepperMintonCandyCane]

You do need to end this and nothing you've done is to blame for his behaviour. Don't let him in and tell him it's over.

[IAmAShitHotLawyer]

He told YOU to leave HIM alone and then came round your house knocking on your door!!!!! What a arsehole.

Ignore him, then make it your new years resolution to be happy and single.

[Pastmyduedate0208]

Oh my god that text.
SAVE YOURSELF

[pictish]

Well there's some proof of how much he respects you as an individual right there.
He will quite happily trample over your feelings and force you not only to see him, but to accept his pov as well...yet he gives you not one iota of the same in return.
When he doesn't want to see you, he doesn't.
When he doesn't want to talk to you, he doesn't.

Why is it one rule for him and another for you?
Is it because he's a fucker?
I think it is.

[pictish]

He's not at your door out of passion or love, but control.
He expected your apology by now...so he's some to get it.

[pictish]

*come

[AuntySib]

Run. Run away from this abuser fast.

[NettleTea]

do yourself a favour and get the police to move him along.
he is fucking with you, setting you up to be wrong so he has an excuse to blame you or pick a fight
he sees you happy, or doing something that makes you happy, he has to try to bring you down and get your attention back onto him
he uses 'depressed' as an excuse
I cant even go on, its all too familiar and all far too abusive, but he has given you the lines of sweet nothings to wind you in and you think this is Love.

[NettleTea]

he is confusing you so much, you are so close to whats going on, that you cant see that you need to tell him to fuck right off