Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive or not in love?

[notsureifitsme]

I've just had to fix myself a stiff drink - I've been crying for about 30 minutes.

I feel convinced that I make my boyfriend angry, upset and that its something I do that makes him treat me the way he does.

On the one hand, I've never felt this loved before (when its good) but on the other, I don't think I've cried this much in my life.

I've always been very strong willed, would always stand up for myself and make it known when I'm not happy with someone. And I still do this to a point with my boyfriend, but he's just so over powering and aggressive vocally that I can't compete.

Typical example of a week in our lives - I'm happy, upbeat, being nice. He'll suddenly be in a mood and not want to see me, he has depression (but won't seek help or diagnosis) so my normal reaction of 'well thats shit, why?' is replaced by 'ok, hope you feel better' because I don't want to rock the boat.

Next day he'll get shirty with me or get annoyed with something I'm saying or doing and I'll simply say 'please don't talk to me like that' and he'll lose his mind with anger and start saying horrible things and again being so verbally aggressive and swearing, then will ignore me.

The whole time I don't understand what I've done to warrant such a reaction.

He says he wants to talk about us sometimes (issues and whatnot) but he can't because of the way I behave, that I'm argumentative. I'm not at all though? I don't talk in a delicate way or anything but I certainly don't yell or have an attitude.

The pattern seems to be - I start off not knowing what the problem is, then the problem turns out to be completely my fault, and then I come round to thinking its my fault and chase him to resolve it, and I get rejected.

The rational part of my brain says, you're wonderful and loving and extremely patient, it is him. But then the other part says well he can't be imagining it can he? Must be doing something to tick him off.

Feel like I'm going mad.

[notsureifitsme]

Yeah, its always on his terms.

A few weeks ago I told him I think we would both be happier not together and I think this would be for the best.

He was in Portugal and replied "I've read what you've said & I wanna discuss it with you. But I'm gonna enjoy my last day so will call u when I'm bk"

I think I would have picked up the phone if I was him, wherever I was.

I intend to run.

[loopdaloo]

End it. I married one, it doesn't get better.

[GarlicDrankTheChristmasSpirit]

He says he's staying outside in his car until you answer the door? There's your proof. He doesn't respect your right to say No, doesn't have either the consideration or the humility to clear off when he's not wanted, and assumes the right to barge all over your space and own you.

Nasty piece of work. Stay strong, you deserve a lot better.

[Paddleslowly]

I froze at his response to your text when you asked him for some space. He then turned it around on you and said pls leave me alone like your the one in the wrong. Fucking bollocks to that he is a shit cunt mind playing man child and I advise you to delete delete delete his being from your life. These anusive fuckwits use the same script everytime of "I wanted to live with u,I'm so upset,I'm actually think I'm starting to hate u. i i i i four of those without counting the rest of them. Selfish, self centered, self absorbed arshole.
Has he asked anything about you in the text no he fucking hasn't cos you don't matter HE and HE alone matters and HIS feelings only count.
Urghhhh I am so angry on your behalf fuck this loser off cod believe me you will end up an anxious wreck questioning yourself when clearly the only answer you need is GOODBYE FUCKWIT & GOODLUCK.
Having gone through this myself 3 years ago I can now say that being kind to myself through the Freedom program has opened my eyes to what a normal healthy relationship should be. He is not it. Sorry rant over

[Spero]

Please leave him and don't ever go back. Life really is too short.

I know its difficult when you are in it, but believe me, a year from now you will be looking back at what behaviour you tolerated and not able to believe yourself.

[pictish]

spero is right

Extricate yourself from this miserable wet blanket of a relationship now, and soon enough you will be looking back in amazement at what shit you used to put up with from him. All the manipulative, bullying ways in which he made you feel that not only was his abuse acceptable and understandable, but was even of your own doing!
What a mindfuck!

[IAmAShitHotLawyer]

He's gonna be very cold In that car tonight? Does he have to go to work tomorrow

[notsureifitsme]

Paddleslowly very good post! I'm feeling angry now

He'll have gone to the pub now - is there most nights on his own.

He does have work, but he made a colleague cry the other week because he told her she was pissing him off because she wasn't answering his phone when he was away from his desk (apparently they're all supposed to do that)

For now I think ignoring is my best bet. I feel that will speak loudly enough at this point.

[Paddleslowly]

Didn't mean to sound like I'm not considering that you love him. You may have fallen for him in his nice stage. He sounds very Jekyll & Hyde tread on eggshells when you are not conforming to him. It's almost a type of grooming at the beginning to catch you off balance. The thing with the wedding bouquet was him being livid at you having some enjoyment and his way of taking back control was to humiliate you.
Please ignore him your strength will be his undoing as he will now know you will not tolerate his crap any longer. Be the nice person that you are and not let him emotionally drain you. It made me very ill and suffer with my Mental Health and I wouldn't want that for anybody he just isn't worth it or your time and energy.

[thenightsky]

Urgh what an unappealing specimen. I feel so angry on your behalf. He says he is hating you and asking to to leave him alone, but then sits outside your home waiting to be acknowledged by you.

What. A. Twat.

[thenightsky]

The wedding bouquet thing was cringey. Dump for that alone.

[Wrapdress]

Wow, his text! What a total mind fuck!

Not surprised at all he made a co-worker cry. He is seriously messed up.

[2015ontheway]

I have been with a man just like this OP- save yourself!!! It's just not right.

[MistressDeeCee]

What on earth do you want a bully of a man like this in your life for? Whats he offering you? A lifetime with him? Why would you even want that? The wedding scene you described is terrible, the man is publicly shaming you. For God's sake get rid - you have to love yourself as well as love a man or you're doomed in this life - narcissistic sociopaths will sniff you out a mile off . Get rid, take time out look after yourself, know that you won't actually die without such a man in your life. Enjoy yourself and heal. Life really is way too short for some people and situations.

[notsureifitsme]

He came over looking for a fight, and he wouldn't have left until he got one.

Similar thing happened last summer, wanted him to leave, he was being calm but would not leave, I got more and more upset because when I ask someone to leave my home, they bloody should.

So I called the police and he ran off.

Truly terrifying that people behave like this.

[ArabellaStrange]

But they do. Hopefully one day educating people as to what healthy relationships look like will be a standard thing and these tossers will struggle to find people to treat in an abusive manner.

[GoldfishCrackers]

You: 'Leave me alone'
Him: 'No, you leave me alone'
Him: 'Let me in your flat and I don't care what you want!'
You'll never be comfortable with him. You'll never be able to relax for fear of doing something 'wrong' because he keeps changing his mind in order to keep you in the wrong. He doesn't respect you.

Don't even try to make him see this because he doesn't work the way normal people do. He will never accept that it's not working out (until he decides it's over). He won't accept any responsibility because everything is always your fault.

Well done for spotting this now. You don't have a mortgage and children together. You won't believe how nice your life can be without him deciding out of nowhere that you've done something wrong.

[BeakyMinder]

Stop negotiating with this arsehole, you'll never be able to finish it if you keep talking to him. Cut all ties and don't look back. I was with someone similar for a year when I was young and God, the sense of freedom when I finally screwed up the courage to dump him - felt like I'd been let out of jail!

[tribpot]

Jesus, that text is amazing. I do absolutely love the 'leave me alone / I'm going to sit outside your flat until you let me in so I can tell you that I hate you' mind fuck.

Start reading today so you can see what textbook abusive bullshit this all is, OP. You will be amazed at how many others have followed this same pattern.

If he has any sense, he'll now ignore you in the hope that you break first and come crawling back to him (which has been the pattern to date) but he may not be able to cope with the lack of feedback from you, feeding his ego. So he might try appearing to be conciliatory and suggesting meeting somewhere neutral for a coffee - at which point you will have your faults enumerated for you.

OP, you need to stop believing anything he tells you. You take his words at face value and ask questions like I don't get it? I haven't done anything to hurt him. You are so used to obsessing over and prioritising his feelings and whims you haven't realised that most of what he says is just bullshit designed to keep you down.

[BeakyMinder]

Even if you have hurt his feelings, you still need to dump him - it doesn't change anything.

In fact the next time he accuses you of hurting his feelings you should reply GOOD!

[FunkyBoldRibena]

At some point you actually need to tell him to leave you alone. If he keeps harassing you, they will say 'have you told him to leave you alone'. So tell him to leave you alone, and then stop any responses.

[everynameisbloodytaken]

I never post on these threads as others put things more eloquently than me... but you do deserve to be treated better.
whats his parents relationship like?

[notsureifitsme]

So glad I started this post and have been reading up this morning online.

His parents live in the same house but rarely speak, aren't married. Its an uncomfortable place to be, his Dad has stopped talking to his Mum for months at a time apparently.

When it was his Mum's birthday he put his FB status as 'Happy Birthday to the most amazing woman I've ever met, my Mum' - but in my opinion he talks to her like dirt. It always shocks me, like we're 16 and she's annoying him by just asking a question, but we're not, we're 29.

He still lives with his parents.

[RL20]

I second the person that says he is playing mind games. Emotional blackmail. Reverse physcology. I've been there, and sometimes still get it although because I've wised up to it, it happens a lot less. I'm not saying you should stay in hope that it gets better though. Because it doesn't, you just learn to push it to the back of your mind and get on with it. If you have no ties with this person, I'd get out if you feel you've got the strength to. He's already making you doubt yourself and your own personality. Imagine what he could do as time goes on! Good luck x

[RL20]

I've just been trying to catch up with your comments, and is it right you've been together for 5 years? I have with my partner too so I know how hard it would be to let go. I'm guessing you also feel slightly guilty for writing things against him, as you feel as though you want to "save him" and all you're doing is talking about how you don't want to be with him. If I'm right, you're not alone! It's all in the mind x