Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive or not in love?

[notsureifitsme]

I've just had to fix myself a stiff drink - I've been crying for about 30 minutes.

I feel convinced that I make my boyfriend angry, upset and that its something I do that makes him treat me the way he does.

On the one hand, I've never felt this loved before (when its good) but on the other, I don't think I've cried this much in my life.

I've always been very strong willed, would always stand up for myself and make it known when I'm not happy with someone. And I still do this to a point with my boyfriend, but he's just so over powering and aggressive vocally that I can't compete.

Typical example of a week in our lives - I'm happy, upbeat, being nice. He'll suddenly be in a mood and not want to see me, he has depression (but won't seek help or diagnosis) so my normal reaction of 'well thats shit, why?' is replaced by 'ok, hope you feel better' because I don't want to rock the boat.

Next day he'll get shirty with me or get annoyed with something I'm saying or doing and I'll simply say 'please don't talk to me like that' and he'll lose his mind with anger and start saying horrible things and again being so verbally aggressive and swearing, then will ignore me.

The whole time I don't understand what I've done to warrant such a reaction.

He says he wants to talk about us sometimes (issues and whatnot) but he can't because of the way I behave, that I'm argumentative. I'm not at all though? I don't talk in a delicate way or anything but I certainly don't yell or have an attitude.

The pattern seems to be - I start off not knowing what the problem is, then the problem turns out to be completely my fault, and then I come round to thinking its my fault and chase him to resolve it, and I get rejected.

The rational part of my brain says, you're wonderful and loving and extremely patient, it is him. But then the other part says well he can't be imagining it can he? Must be doing something to tick him off.

Feel like I'm going mad.

[Starlightbright1]

Sounds like you are taking the sensible approach..Turn your phone off and have a good night

[Paddleslowly]

That's just it notsure he isn't a nice guy. There is no respect or love for you on his part. It's his way all the way. Care about your own feelings and all the positives that you have in your life. He is a negative. The freedom program is online I think for Ten Pounds and is very informative. Chill out at your friends give your mind a rest from him.

[Deserttrek]

I don't think you are being dramatic, OP.
You are doing what you need to do to get out and away from an abusive relationship.
I worry about his 'sleeping in the car' stunt and his 'coming knocking' though.
Please do not hesitate to call the police if he tries anything stupid over the New Year period, when emotions can run high.
Look after yourself now, that's all you need to do.

[pictish]

You're being decisive and exercising some long overdue self preservation...you're not being dramatic.

Think about what happened with the bouquet at the wedding? How can he do something like that to you, then send you texts claiming you've never loved him and he's been made a cunt of?

Basically, this guy think he can treat you however badly he wants, while your role is to forgive him and make him feel loved.

No fucking deal.

[Paddleslowly]

Pictish No fucking deal... Absolutely nicely put

[GoldfishCrackers]

You are absolutely not being dramatic about this. You may feel that you are because for years he has taught you that you have had to under-react to his arseholery.

[Paperblank]

Oh lovey you are well shot of that excuse of a man.

NettleTea's post at 12.30 (ish) is spot on. You will hear all sorts of bollocks in the next week or so. Then be prepared for the tears (from him...) and the "I'll go for counselling", "I've been to the Dr's and I've got a brain tumour so that's why I've been acting like a twat" (my ex was apparently diagnosed with a brain tumour in a 10 minute appointment at his GP's...)

I would be inclined to alert the police just in case your stupid arse ex shows up causing a stink. I'd also save all the text messages just in case you need to prove harassment in the future.

Stay strong and be glad you got out when you did. Be safe.

[pictish]

Goldfish I was trying to think how to articulate what you just said very well.

OP it feels dramatic because it's force of habit for you to downplay.

[tribpot]

Gosh, Paperblank - your ex's GP was very lucky to have one of those medical tricorders like they have in Star Trek, I hope they roll them out a bit more widely now they've been piloted so successfully

You definitely aren't over-dramatising this, OP. His texts are chilling. The level of blame and manipulation of your very clear words to him is amazing. You know perfectly well the banging on the door insisting he's let in is a real possibility because he did it last night.

I would make sure you get the story out to mutual friends quickly, btw, he's undoubtedly giving anyone who will listen his version of events. Tiresome and toddler-like, as you've already noted.

[Paperblank]

Tribpot He was wasn't he! He was also very lucky to see THE TOP SURGEON IN THE WORLD the very next day, who told him he only had a few months to live...turns out that the top surgeon was wrong stbxp is still alive, more's the bloody pity

OP be prepared for some amazing lies but take no notice. Some of the ones I heard were staggering

[notsureifitsme]

Well shortly after the bouquet thing he was crying to his Auntie (who I'm very close to) and he muttered sorry but then on the drive home it became entirely about him and his pain. He basically realised how stupid he had made himself look and also embarassed me in front of my (at the time) potential future family. He broke down in the car, but it was all about HIM. It took the focus off me being wronged, and more about him and how he's 'depressed'. So I comforted him and it all went back to normal the next day.

Want to tell him all the things he's done wrong but I know its pointless.

No fucking deal indeed!

[Deserttrek]

OP, don't even go there with telling him all the things he has done wrong.
It will only make him feel more the victim he wants to feel.

Its over, isn't it?

If so, then keep it that way.

[tribpot]

Quite right, Deserttrek. OP if you try to tell him (a) he won't believe it and (b) he will find ways to twist everything you say to make everything your fault. The same as always.

No contact / detachment is the way to go.

[AnnieLobeseder]

You've done the right thing, OP. relationships aren't supposed to be such hard work, especially if you aren't even living together or have DC. Stay strong, you last posts have all been wonderfully positive.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Be prepared. He will totally turn on the charm now to win you over.

But then would be exactly the same once he had you back.

Would bet my house on it

[notsureifitsme]

It's sad, he just refuses love really.

He was so good at giving it in the beginning, has so much going for him but is just ruined.

Friends never really knew what to say, I suppose because they had no experience whereas a lot of you guys have encountered this kind of behaviour before so know exactly what to say to stop me feeling crazy.

[hilbobaggins]

You've done the right thing. This guy sounds horrendous.

I hope you keep posting and get support here and IRL through the charm offensive that is very likely to happen now. He will do everything he can to make you doubt yourself and it will help you immensely to have people around you who can remind you of the reality of the situation, which is that he is an abusive narcissist.

[Paddleslowly]

Your not crazy just that unfortunately you have been dealing with his crazy shit. He is unstable and trying to bring you down and put his own deep rooted insecurities onto you. Kind of like a spider in a web.
When a toddler is throwing a tantrum it's best to walk away and let them get on with it. Treat him the same.
I couldn't see it at the time in my past relationship but he gradually eroded my confidence, was mean calling me a scummy council cunt, saying no one would love me like he did. Refused to visit me in hospital as was having an ectopic pregnancy, he said I just thought you were having a miscarriage. The fact that I could have lost my life was not lost on as he went mental at me for being upset and confiding in my family. Screaming at me " I don't want those cunts knowing my business you shouldn't have told them"
Please walk away, if I had your address I would post you out a pair of Nike trainers so you can run Forrest run and fast away from him.

[Deserttrek]

Yes, it is sad OP.
I am glad you recognise this in him, though your earlier posts told us that you did. You really are a lovely woman, OP.

And you are not his saviour. First and foremost he has to help himself. I suspect that he has never really fought his demons, shown even a flicker of trying to do that, with you. If he had, then anything is possible. But not with you now. And not ever.

And you were never even remotely crazy.
Stand tall....unfurl your wings and fly.
Delight in a new day. Days, years, decades in fact.

Strong woman.

[Paperblank]

It's not your fault he refuses love and you will not be able to change that about him.

You need to keep in mind how he treats his family and friends. Does he treat them the same way in which he has treated you?

If the answer is no then the reason he has treated you appallingly is because he has chosen to treat you that way.

Do NOT start feeling sorry for him. (that way madness lies) He will be expecting that. I can assure you that if he spots a chink in your armour he will do his utmost to worm back in. Treat him like an annoying wasp - keep ignoring him and batting him away. The message will get through.

PM if you need to.

x

[Surreyblah]

What an abusive arsehole. In the article uprthread on losers there is stuff on ending the relationship. No benefit to you at all in having any contact with him. If he is distressed he can seek help from elsewhere: worry only about yourself!

[notsureifitsme]

Deserttrek you made me cry with your kind words, nice to have something positive said about me.

Paddleslowly I'm so sorry you went through that, thats so awful. How are you now?

He's not texted since, I have a feeling he'll go into silent mode now, for at least a week - which is ideal I guess.

He has fallen out with good friends at different times over the years, or at least clashed with them when they've been trying to protect them. I feel the love from them and I sense they know what I might be having to deal with as some of them had mentioned how moody he can be. They'll say "oh thats just how he is though" when he's being negative or argumentative.

He is so lucky to have the friends he has, more than I have (because I've moved around a lot) and he in no way appreciates them like he should. I would be so thankful for friends like his.

He is rude to his Mum and his sister. He is respectful to his Dad and uncle. He isn't rude to his Auntie because unlike his Mum, she won't tolerate his behaviour.

His Dad told him he could only move back home if he was home at a reasonable hour during the working week, he didn't do this (because the pub is his home, on his own) and so his Dad kicked him out. He fully respected his decision and tried to talk him round but didn't get rude or raise his voice. He knows he can't get away with anything with his Dad, but I've watched his Mum treat him like a baby. I thought she might be scared of him at first when I saw them interact. If I spoke to my Mum the way he does I'd have a black eye.

[MyDHhasnomemory]

I had a toxic disfunctional relationship once. He took my confidence and my normality away - everything was drama and arguments.
Once I was away life returned to normal, calm, functional. When I was in a new relationship I couldn't believe the difference. (However I still had some adjustment problems because he had done such a number on me). But you will have happier times again.
Don't try to reason with him, it will never work. Just focus on rebuilding your life without him dragging you down!

[Deserttrek]

I didn't make you cry OP
Only you can make yourself do that.
You know that.....don't you?

You have handled this post with dignity.
You are a sweet woman.
I wish you well, and I think you will do well.

Look after yourself.

[Paddleslowly]

I'm ok now just going through self healing and awareness of the abusive relationship that I will never enter into again. You will find peace through strength and the support here and in rl. You are a good person. If you can try and block his number from your phone.