Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive or not in love?

[notsureifitsme]

I've just had to fix myself a stiff drink - I've been crying for about 30 minutes.

I feel convinced that I make my boyfriend angry, upset and that its something I do that makes him treat me the way he does.

On the one hand, I've never felt this loved before (when its good) but on the other, I don't think I've cried this much in my life.

I've always been very strong willed, would always stand up for myself and make it known when I'm not happy with someone. And I still do this to a point with my boyfriend, but he's just so over powering and aggressive vocally that I can't compete.

Typical example of a week in our lives - I'm happy, upbeat, being nice. He'll suddenly be in a mood and not want to see me, he has depression (but won't seek help or diagnosis) so my normal reaction of 'well thats shit, why?' is replaced by 'ok, hope you feel better' because I don't want to rock the boat.

Next day he'll get shirty with me or get annoyed with something I'm saying or doing and I'll simply say 'please don't talk to me like that' and he'll lose his mind with anger and start saying horrible things and again being so verbally aggressive and swearing, then will ignore me.

The whole time I don't understand what I've done to warrant such a reaction.

He says he wants to talk about us sometimes (issues and whatnot) but he can't because of the way I behave, that I'm argumentative. I'm not at all though? I don't talk in a delicate way or anything but I certainly don't yell or have an attitude.

The pattern seems to be - I start off not knowing what the problem is, then the problem turns out to be completely my fault, and then I come round to thinking its my fault and chase him to resolve it, and I get rejected.

The rational part of my brain says, you're wonderful and loving and extremely patient, it is him. But then the other part says well he can't be imagining it can he? Must be doing something to tick him off.

Feel like I'm going mad.

[tribpot]

notsureifitsme, have a read of Last Chance Saloon by Marian Keyes. It's a great read anyway but (as she always does) she tackles some serious issues in the course of the book as well. One of the characters is in an emotionally abusive relationship similar to yours (although unfortunately she lives with the tosser as well). You will spend the whole book going 'god this guy is AWFUL just LEAVE HIM already!', I guarantee it.

It sounds like he's learnt to be rude and dismissive and overbearing to the women in his life from his dad - but that does not excuse his behaviour or mean that if you just try hard enough you can alter it.

The fact you've had to call the police to remove him from your home really should have been enough.

[SandyVagina]

That's what you'll end up like, his mum and dad.

Finish it, then block him everywhere (phone and social media). Be prepared for some harassment. (Can you tell I'm living through this myself?!)

Oh and this isn't love you're feeling BTW, it's anxiety. Love shouldn't make you feel like shit.

[Deserttrek]

He sounds ill, OP.
He may have a mental illness.
If so, he has to take those first steps to recover/counselling.
It has to be through his own actions though, he has to be 100% committed.
And even if that is the case, you do not have to stay.

[notsureifitsme]

Thanks tribpot I'll read it

He's texted me saying he can't love me anymore, not when I'm like this. He feels like such a fool everyday because I must think he's an idiot that is the only reason I would treat him like this, and to take care.

I replied "I'm sorry you feel that way, I am hurting too. I think its best that this unhappy relationship ends today. I'll be in touch to drop your things off."

I need a drink!

[pictish]

So...his dad can spend months blanking his wife. What do you think that taught your bf about relationships and how to treat women? Nothing very good apparently, seeing as he speak to his mum like shit, and behaves like a total arse to you.

He's a lost cause...I am telling you.

[Starlightbright1]

This needs to be your last message to him..Can you drop his stuff to mutual friends..

He likes playing games any response gives him pleasure or some way to manipulate you ( or attempt to)

[pictish]

He sent that message hoping to scare you into submission. Good reply. Of course, he'll be furious. Expect fireworks.

[tribpot]

Good, I'm glad you've ended it, notsure. Make sure it stays ended, though - like Starlight says, he can view your response as another way to manipulate you. Definitely contact friends to drop the stuff off, in fact do that today so it's definite and real. Bag it up and put it in a cupboard ready to get it out of the house.

Then the priority is: wine, good book (e.g. Last Chance Saloon, no I am not on commission for Marian Keyes ), ice cream and getting warm and cosy for a lovely afternoon of peaceful entertainment. Also switch off your phone as I am sure he's going to text again.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Is there a mutual friend who can give the abuser back his belongings, without interfering or trying to persuade you to give the abuser another chance? A lot of people, unfortunately, collude with abusers in trying to persuade the woman to submit to the abuse because there is something wrong about a woman leaving a man and being single.
If not, how much stuff is there to return to him? Is it feasible to post it, or send it via Hermes or something? Because you really don't want to have to see or speak to this prick again: it won't be pleasant. Even though you have seen through him, if he goes for the love-bombing approach it will be upsetting, and if he's obnoxious, even though that might reinforce your decision, there's no need to expose yourself to it.
You may later need to send a text or email, if he persists in harassing you: '[Name] I have realised what an inadequate person you are and therefore this relationship is over. Do not contact me or attempt to contact me in any way or I will inform the police that you are harassing me.'
(I see no reason not to throw in a bit of criticism when dumping someone who's a shit...)
ANyway, good luck. Next year will be a much nicer year without this loser in it.

[Paddleslowly]

Another text reply all about his feelings! He really is furious that you are not conforming to him. You are taking charge of the situation by dropping his stuff off. Emotional abusers like him will unfortunately up the anti until you give in. But you will become wised up to him and eventually say to him "Gosh you are really boring me now"
It's his loss of control over you and your mind that will be driving him crazy.

[NettleTea]

oh yes, you will get the full gamut of emotions from him now - he will try every tack to get to your weak spot. What is it that you have been asking for? Because that will be what he is going to offer you?
He will say he has been a fool
He will promise to change
He will say he will go to councilling
Maybe you will get presents
Maybe even a marriage proposal.
He will flatter and cajoul but every bit is false, just designed to draw you back in and under his control.

If the Mr Nice doesnt work he will turn nasty
He will call you names, he will threaten, get angry
Start stalking, bombarding you with texts and emails and calls
He will accuse you of seeing someone else - hoping you will break contact to deny this accusation (after all, you can only have been enticed away, surely you wouldnt leave him for, just, NOTHING)

Nasty stuff, report to the police. this is harassment and there are laws against it

He may even threaten to kill himself. (the right response is to inform emergency services - call his bluff. if he really IS going to kill himself then he needs serious psychiatric help, if he is bluffing they will give him a bollocking)

He may cycle through these nice/nasty phases several times before he fucks off.

I wouldnt arrange to meet him to give him his stuff. Pack it up and get it taken to his parents.

Complete no contact is the best way to go

And welcome to the rest of your soon to be lovely life xxx

[notsureifitsme]

I agree he won't care one bit that I'm upset or that he's hurt my feelings - he's completely engulfed in his own.

How selfish, I get this look on my face with him where Im just like "wait, what?" because his behaviour and how he interprets things is so alien to me. Can't even make a joke about him or something he does without him getting offended. It's exhausting.

Going to give his stuff to our mutual friend so he can drop it off, he only lives about a 15 min walk from me.

Will he always be like this then? With whoever he is with?

I've resented his parents a lot for what he's had to grow up around (his Mum drank a lot and would go for his Dad, his Dad would not touch her). But plenty of people have rubbish upbringings and don't become like him.

[Deserttrek]

Hi OP.
I wanted to add something. I was in a very similar relationship many years ago. In fact we were married and had children. The abuse, which centred around my ex not having the ability to handle her own emotions and responsibilities, was always put back on me as it was 'my problem'. The position as you describe it reminded me so much of how it was for me. I won't go into the gory details, it was pretty bad and I could type away until midnight, and if I did it might identify me and the DCs. I always felt that I was to blame, the manipulation was deeply ingrained in her, so much so I don't think she even knew she was doing it. Towards the end, one event I remember very clearly. It was a Saturday morning and every Saturday my ex had the morning and most of the afternoon to herself, to wind down and do her hobby, time for her. I would do the weekly shopping, with my two DCs, clean the house, and straight after lunch me and the DCs would go to the local country park, walk round the reservoir and then go home (we always had to be there to greet her on the doorstep, and smiling, to make her feel good). So, one day we were coming back late, at a T Junction I was aware of a car behind, flashing lights, beeping horn. It was ex, she got out her car and hurled abuse at me for not being at home, and thus ruining her day. After some 1000 such occurrences (yes they happened several days a week) of being told that I 'made her feel the way she did' I eventually decided that for the need of my relationship with our DC, the marriage had to end. Despite the pleading to stay, I knew I could not, even should not. I had been backed into corners so many times, always giving and I had nothing else to give. So, now I have a great relationship with my DC, I am me again, who I temporarily lost, and I owed it to me and DC to get back to that place that is me. So, ignore the pleadings, the manipulation, you owe it to you to do that. This is your life that you are talking about OP. Ignore the pleadings, please.

[tribpot]

Yes, it's extremely likely he will be like this in all his relationships. It has literally nothing to do with you.

Whilst his childhood doesn't sound great, he hasn't made any effort to get away from his parents as an adult, has he? So I wouldn't waste any sleep on that aspect of his dysfunctional personality.

[Deserttrek]

Will he always be like this then? With whoever he is with?

Based on my experience, yes.
But everyone has the ability to change.
But the most likely scenario is he will change a bit, each time, but never quite get there.
So you would always feel a little (or quite a lot) of what you feel now.
Its not your problem.

You owe it to yourself to turn away forever now.
You only owe him the respect of returning his possessions in good order, not left out in the wet, burned or slung in a heap.

This is the start of the rest of your life.
Happy 2015, OP

[NettleTea]

yes. He will most probably be like this with everyone UNLESS he cysles through the same dynamics several times and realises that he is following a pattern.
At that point he might have a breakdown and then need some pretty intensive personal psychotherapy.
Its unlikely to happen though because it would take some serious self awareness and breaking down everything he thought he knew, because his behaviour in a relationship goes very deep - he has absorbed it all the way through his childhood and its probably still reinforced by his parents now.
Also, at the moment, he gains by being in control, so there is no motivation to change or to question how he acts.

There is little point wondering about him, nor any of the men who act this way. They are damaged by their upbringing, possibly there are genetics at play that make them more succeptable to aggresive and entitled behaviour, and of course our society subtly and not so subtly also reinforces the Man First agenda.

Take a look at the Freedom Project (if I had my way everyone would do this work as part of PHSE at school, along with some one to one counselling) to help you readjust your red flag warning system, because he has squewed it little by little over the last few years

xxx

[Deserttrek]

NettleTea
Men or women, I think.
Though I accept your generalisation.

[DollyTwat]

Men like this don't change. They get better at their abuse

My ex is still like it to me, 10 years after divorcing him

Run for the hills

[NettleTea]

Yes Deserttrek men OR women. have 2 examples of women in my own family.....

and also why Freedom programme should be shown to everyone

[notsureifitsme]

All your advice is keeping me strong! Thank you.

I turned my phone off for a while and just put it back on, few texts basically saying thank you for admitting it, I knew you didn't love me, you took me for a cunt and I'm actually worried about you.

Charming.

Turned phone off again. It's like dealing with a spoilt child.

I know full well if I entertained it he would try and get it all 'back to normal' by next week.

[Paddleslowly]

Men like this in an ideal world should have a massive Red Flag attached to their heads. He will never change because in his mind he is always in the right. That's why he sits in the pub on his own because he has no friends, who wants to be friends with that.
He will end up a very bitter, lonely old man sitting in an armchair stinking of cat piss.
You are worthy of so much better

[NettleTea]

yep, he is going for the sympathy vote at the moment, the poor me tactic. He wants you to deny it all.
Actually he doesnt, he probably usually gets you to deny it, and so he is using that technique
what he wants is ANY reply
that keeps him in control, because he texts and you reply.

Ignore ignore and get rid of his stuff asap, before he realises that you are serious and tries to use it as an excuse to come round.

at the end of the day it doesnt matter what he says or thinks, what lies he makes up about what you feel or think. When its over, its over and the minutae of who said what and why ceases to be of any importance.

[pictish]

I agree he's just looking for a reaction. Please ignore that goading text.

[pictish]

Ohhh and ha ha ha at him being worried about you!

You're turning him loose of your own accord?! What?? A wonderful specimen like his good self???
There must be something wrong with you!

Lol...bless him.
Not really.

[notsureifitsme]

Friend has picked his stuff up - going to go stay at a friends tonight because he will probably come knocking.

Can't help but think I'm being a bit dramatic. But he won't talk logically to me any day of the week when this is what I have to say.

A nice guy wouldn't do what he did at the wedding and a nice guy would care about my feelings.