I've just had to fix myself a stiff drink - I've been crying for about 30 minutes.
I feel convinced that I make my boyfriend angry, upset and that its something I do that makes him treat me the way he does.
On the one hand, I've never felt this loved before (when its good) but on the other, I don't think I've cried this much in my life.
I've always been very strong willed, would always stand up for myself and make it known when I'm not happy with someone. And I still do this to a point with my boyfriend, but he's just so over powering and aggressive vocally that I can't compete.
Typical example of a week in our lives - I'm happy, upbeat, being nice. He'll suddenly be in a mood and not want to see me, he has depression (but won't seek help or diagnosis) so my normal reaction of 'well thats shit, why?' is replaced by 'ok, hope you feel better' because I don't want to rock the boat.
Next day he'll get shirty with me or get annoyed with something I'm saying or doing and I'll simply say 'please don't talk to me like that' and he'll lose his mind with anger and start saying horrible things and again being so verbally aggressive and swearing, then will ignore me.
The whole time I don't understand what I've done to warrant such a reaction.
He says he wants to talk about us sometimes (issues and whatnot) but he can't because of the way I behave, that I'm argumentative. I'm not at all though? I don't talk in a delicate way or anything but I certainly don't yell or have an attitude.
The pattern seems to be - I start off not knowing what the problem is, then the problem turns out to be completely my fault, and then I come round to thinking its my fault and chase him to resolve it, and I get rejected.
The rational part of my brain says, you're wonderful and loving and extremely patient, it is him. But then the other part says well he can't be imagining it can he? Must be doing something to tick him off.
Feel like I'm going mad.
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Relationships
Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive or not in love?
notsureifitsme · 28/12/2014 21:06
notsosure I havent' seen the reports yet. My lawyer will send them to me after her holidays but I suppose they would have made him see harmless, wouldn't they? Why would they have sent them in support of him!
Take care and don't think you overreacted! 
chattering I like that saying!
springydaffs, he was in a very bad car accident 3 years ago and suffered from a head injury. Although he was given the green light a few months later and was told to 'live his life as he always had' as he was lucky enough to completely recover, then coupled with his supposed 'depression' (which he never calls it) I spent a lot of time not taking his behaviour personally - I wrote it off as oh its because of this, or that - because it does seem so obvious to me that he has something very wrong with him. However in the last year or two I stopped making excuses for him which rocked the boat quite a lot as I'd been so chilled out before.
TheKhalisirules that sounds insane! What was the stuff from his doctor? That he was officially psycho? I think I would have thought exactly the same as you, that the judge would think you overreacted.
I still feel like I've overreacted. And I miss him. But I'm not thinking logically, I miss the good times, which were few and far between.
He's always butting heads with someone or someone is pissing him off. Ugh just badness can really rub off I think when you're around someone so much.
ceceCECE123 I hope you start a thread and get some helpful advice
SandyV I remember your thread. I felt sick then and I feel very sick now.
OMG notsosure, my ex is 20 years older than yours but I swear on all that is holy we could have been with the same person.
And that long text. Shudder.
Just to show you how much they fuck with your head: After I threw him out for good I got a Restraining Order (but only after being pushed to do it by a family member). The texts started making me feel like I was overreacting.
He fought the Order and we had to go to court.
He told the judge that as a trained actress I was playing the whole thing up! Luckily I still had kept many of his texts and emails so I could prove my case.
He even handed in reports from his doctors to support him! How the fuck ever?!
I had to wait two weeks for the Judge's decision ; and during this time, I felt certain the judge was going to cancel the Restraining Order because I must have overracted.
The RO is still in place - extended.
Reading through your post I kept yelling - no!! No! Don't answer. Not even to say 'get a life you fucking low life'. Turned out the crazy fucks just think 'she wrote back so she must still love me'.
Good luck. Stay strong.
You're right, this is the first time I've left him to it - swooped in before to look after him or point him in the right direction.
I have always been his punchbag when he can't deal with his problems, he really needs to face them and perhaps hit rock bottom before he realises what he's lost and how he totally blew it. He's too stubborn for that though I think.
God I feel worse today, reality setting in I imagine!
Thinking those standard things:
If he just sorted himself out...
If he could just be the good side of him more often...
If he just went to therapy...
Too many if's!
Why do people that are miserable or hate themselves, project that on to people that care about them the most? If he had a bad day at work, our plans got cancelled? What do I have to do with his bad day at work? Doing something with him would have made a bad day better for me - but he retreats and does the negative thing.
You will feel sad, you're grieving for the relationship you thought you had. He's on a self-destructive bender and there's nothing you can do about that, it's his choice. Tough though it is, you have to let him do it. You can't be his punch bag because he refuses to face up to his problems. We all have problems...
Hope you're feeling ok today
Thanks tigermoll
I feel very sad and down today, I love him I really do, but the person I love isn't him anymore and I know that.
It's nice not to be on the receiving end of his mood swings and misery.
Might have been a bender the other night but I can imagine just how it was and how cringey, I know he's at that specific pub almost every night, on his own or with a mate briefly before the mate goes home. When I've gone with him he talks to the bar staff and I feel like their eyes are like 'god, not this guy again'.
Yes usually his self destructive behaviour would usually follow after a fight so I would naturally become concerned for him and not want to be 'mean' but I imagine there are plenty of nice men out there without these kinds of issues and would hate to see their girlfriend cry because they're shouting at them.
No not in East Anglia AmonRa1 I'm in London 
I've had many times when I've just not been myself, and I've put on weight to boot!
Not heard from him, our mutual friend (who picked up his stuff and has known him since they were toddlers, known me for 4 years) said he thinks he's on his way to a mental breakdown, he's never seen him like this.
He went to the pub after work 2 days ago. Apparently got his wallet stolen the day before but went to his local anyway and let other people buy drinks for him from 6pm - midnight, there's always someone he knows there.
Mutual friend turned up at 11pm and knew the various people as well as him, and ex was another level of drunk, he had never seen him this way. Almost started a fight with someone etc etc, then went to work the next day.
This made me feel better, just because an outsider, one of his best friends no less, sees what has become of him, and I'm not imagining ex drinks too much and is mentally spiralling out of control.
He needs help, just not from me.
Helps so much to type out my thoughts to people that understand
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