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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Alone and pregnant

397 replies

Natalie12341 · 27/12/2014 18:03

Am 25 weeks pregnant and I split with my boyfriend 12 days ago. And am a complete mess. Am struggling to eat some days I feel ok then bang am a complete mess. He says he will support me. But everytime I message him he never replys which makes me feel even worse.. I had hospital appointments last week he didn't show. We planned a lovely Christmas together so Christmas was quite hard for me.. I have an 8 year old son from a previous r/ship he hasn't really picked up on anything. But am just really struggling. He never texts or rings to ask how I am how can someone that loved me just totally blank me. Never have I felt pain like it. It's affecting my blood pressure and I feel like am always wanting to no what he's doing ect I feel like I will crack up if I carry on.,. It's making me depressed and I just don't no what to do please help

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Original poster
Natalie12341 · 19/01/2015 08:30

Scan day! My ex wants to come with me I do feel strong enough if he comes with me. I just don't want to be nasty what should I do for the best? I no he loves his child. And wants to see the scan. I actually do feel strong enough not take take his crap. And not to think what if! I actually feel like I've turned a corner helppp xx

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Vivacia · 19/01/2015 09:35

It's your choice, obviously, personally I wouldn't invite him. You need support and you need to set boundaries.

Vivacia · 19/01/2015 09:46

Think of it this will. You will be civil, perhaps even friendly. You will allow him to take part in a very private experience. Then, this afternoon or tomorrow he will treat you like crap, like an idiot. How will you feel then?

Justwanttomoveon · 19/01/2015 10:22

It's entirely up to you, I'm with Vivacia though, I wouldn't let him come. My worry is that he will be nice and that will mess up your head all over again.
Best of luck with the scan.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2015 14:34

I know I'm late to the game (it's early morning here) and you've probably already been, but I wouldn't have him there. If he wants to see the scan I'd ask for an extra picture & mail it to him.

Original poster
Natalie12341 · 20/01/2015 10:31

Sorry I've not been online. I told him that I was sorry and that it was to soon. I did say I want you to be there fr the baby ect but I just need time he totally agreed with me. He said I do still care about you. You are the mother of my child. He asked if I was ok I said yes am getting there. So yesterday I was fine but today I do feel like crap abit like not letting him come. And my head feels abit dun in to! Ahhh why can't my life be simple and back to normal don't even no what's normal anymore Sad xx

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Vivacia · 20/01/2015 10:42

I know it's hard Nat just keep hanging on to the fact that it'll get easier.

I think he's being nice because he can sense you being strong and independent. I firmly believe that if you'd let him waltz back in, his attitude would have been different - casual and less considerate. Perhaps even unkind.

If he senses you being strong, he can risk being nice, perhaps even to show you that he's a Nice Guy Really. If he senses you being vulnerable and doormat-like, he'll treat you similarly.

Whatever kind of father he turns out to be, I really don't think that this man is a good enough partner for you.

Have you had any thoughts about arrangements for access and maintenance?

Vivacia · 20/01/2015 10:43

I'm thinking, it's easy to be available for a scan. It's difficult to be the man who turns up at 5pm every Friday night and keeps the direct debit going every single week.

Original poster
Natalie12341 · 20/01/2015 10:51

Nothing has been arranged yet. Tbh I've hardly spoke to him at all. He has an other child who is 5 he gets her every 2 weeks from a Thursday till a Monday. I've not seen her and my son hasn't since we split up my son was very close to her. So I find tht very heartless of him that he hasn't asked how my son is taking things. I no he works all hours god sent but surely if I ment anything and my son he would of asked!! X

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Original poster
Natalie12341 · 20/01/2015 10:53

None of his family have asked how I am said congratulations when I found out I was pregnant nothing at all. But I think maybe when my baby is here they will all try and play some part. Which I don't find comfortable with. They have never bothered with me never x

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Vivacia · 20/01/2015 11:23

I think that it's very likely they don't know how to react or what to think about the situation. I think it's very likely they will be wanting to take their lead from you, and if I was in your position, I would be expecting them to take their lead from me.

I wouldn't expect them to be congratulating me but I would open the door for them to have a relationship with my child (on my terms).

Do you currently have any contact with them? How long were you with your ex and what was the relationship like in terms of living together, being involved with his family etc?

Justwanttomoveon · 20/01/2015 18:27

Good for you for being so strong regarding the scan and in your conversations with ex.
I, too, think his family will want to take their lead from you although I would expect some form of contact from them once baby comes, whether that is a phone call, visit, card or even a text.
As Vivacia has asked, how well do you know his family? If you have never really had a lot of contact with them I can sort of understand why they are keeping their distance as they won't know you well enough to feel they can get involved.
You could always send them a message after baby arrives to let them know they can meet her.

How did your scan go?

Original poster
Natalie12341 · 21/01/2015 09:54

Well I've never felt good anuff for him when we first started going out his mam would say he should be with someone older ect then she started staying he loved his ex ect. But his sister have never bothered we went round to a family bbz they where having and his ex was there with his child and thy did ask me 1 question. It like they would prefer if e was with her. I've always felt awkward around them. Never felt welcome if that means sence. And my scan went really well baby is at the right weight so if she's brought early it's due to my health issues. Xxx

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Vivacia · 21/01/2015 11:12

Great to hear that baby is doing well - keep getting that food and water in to her.

From what you say, I'm not sure what her father's family will bring to her life. What contact would you like them to have with her? I think in your shoes I'd send an email, or letter, letting them know how the scan went and her due date. I would either presume they'll have some limited contact, and set that as the expectation or I'd ask them what contact they envisage wanting.

Justwanttomoveon · 21/01/2015 11:38

Glad baby is doing well Smile.

If his family are like that then it's completely up to you if you want them to be involved or not. I would let them know when she is born and take it from there, if they step up and want to be involved in her life then you can decide if and when that happens.

Sounds to me like he was never good enough for you, you may be younger than him but he sounds far more immature. You will go on to meet someone who treats you with love and respect and you deserve nothing less.

MatildaTheCat · 21/01/2015 12:53

Natalie great news about your scan and you are doing so well.

I want you to read a new thread on here called 'Not Coping Very Well'. Someone in your situation and just had her baby and allowed ex in the delivery room. I promise you this is what happens. Don't let it be you. Sorry if it sounds harsh, I want to protect you from this.

Original poster
Natalie12341 · 21/01/2015 16:29

I had a read at that thread and that poor girl feel so sorry for her. And I am in the same situation tbh. X

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AcrossthePond55 · 21/01/2015 17:08

I looked at that thread also, natalie. Poor girl, indeed. But also a dire warning against having your ex with you during the birth. Or any time, really! What she's going through is the best possible 'advert' for going NC I've seen!

Original poster
Natalie12341 · 21/01/2015 17:40

I no. It's opened my eyes a little bit as she fought she was over him an was gettig better then bang your back to square 1. I really don't think I could go threw all the pain again like I was when we first finished I was a complete mess 5 weeks ago. And I didn't see no light at the end of the tunnel. But now I have good days and bad days but there's starting to be more good days which I fought was never going to happen. Am not saying am other him. But am strong there slowly and everyday am getting that little bit stronger xx

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Original poster
Natalie12341 · 21/01/2015 19:18

Feel like total crap tonight! He's in my head xx

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Vivacia · 21/01/2015 19:40

Can you describe that a bit more? What does that look like when he's "in your head"?

Original poster
Natalie12341 · 21/01/2015 19:44

Like I keeping what I've messed up. Then I keep saying to my self I was depressed when we where together and I am a better person now! And I am actually happy. Even friends have said you are so much happier now then 4 months ago x

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Vivacia · 21/01/2015 19:48

But you haven't messed up Sad. No matter how Perfect Girlfriend you behaved, he was still going to treat you like rubbish. You deserve someone who loves and respects you just as you are.

I can't help but wonder if his behaviour and therefore the relationship exasperated your depression...

Original poster
Natalie12341 · 21/01/2015 19:52

Nothing was ever good enough. And I tryed so hard to make it work like plan nights together and he would sit in the office till god nos what time. I would even try running him a nice bubble bath! And nothing was ever enough! Am going to get my son to bed. Now then am going threw my book and hopefully I will start feeling ok xxx

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Original poster
Natalie12341 · 21/01/2015 21:00

Just going threw some stuff and I come across loads of things he bought me. Brings back so many happy memories! Well that's all they are now. Just memories x

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