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Original poster

Would you date a single mom with 4 children from 3 different partners living on benefits

181 replies

Magicman1 · 15/12/2014 15:59

Hi
For a while I have been chatting to this woman online she seems really nice but I wonder if I should date her.
I am late thirties single no children etc living up north.
We get on well and she would like to meet but I'm no sure what's best.
She has four children from three different partners. None of her exes bother with her children and she often gets depressed about her predicament of being a single mother with 4 kids living on benefits.

Do you think I should meet her or should I steer clear.
I like this woman but not sure it would be a good idea to get too involved
What do you think?

Any advice would be appreciated ladies

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/12/2014 17:23

I date and have no interest in a father figure for my kids, I've had people asking me out assuming I am but then I don't date them.

If she was looking for a father figure its likely she would have stayed with one of the actual fathers

Windywenceslas · 15/12/2014 17:24

She might be, she might not be, how can we possibly know that?

ghostspirit · 15/12/2014 17:24

is she after a father or a meal ticket. does it have to be either. cant answer as im not her. but as a single mum to 4 kids. i do not 'need' a bloke or a father for my children.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/12/2014 17:27

a man with that many children by that many different women would be branded all sorts on here, yet if it;s the woman with that many children by that many men somehow that also must be the men's fault

One that lived with all his kids and cared for them adequately would get fawned over and bigged up they would be considered to be fantastic.

That's what tends to happen with male lone parents

pinkfrocks · 15/12/2014 17:27

Needs- I don't think anyone has to be a genius to see that it's possible she has lack of judgement over her partners and that she is perhaps irresponsible to have conceived 4 children when she - and their fathers- presumably cannot support them.

Magic I think you need to stop asking US what we think and start doing some thinking yourself.

When you go into Online Dating you need to have clear expectations: women with children, no children. Women who want children ( yours) women who don't want children ( with anyone.)

You also need to examine your own feelings about being a stepparent - in this case there could be 3 other men on the scene too.

The fact she invites you- a complete stranger - to stay over shows she is rushing the relationship. I assume she's bright enough to know that her baggage will put many men off- maybe they have all run for the hills- so she is desperate. What reason other than offering you sex on a 1st date can there be for staying over- you live nearby so can get a taxi if you've been drinking.

No one can say if she is after a meal ticket but she sounds desperate and that's not good.

But you haven't even met her- the reality could be that there is no chemistry and you don't get on. I think you are over thinking this. Either you want to meet her for a date or you don't because you don't want a woman with 4 kids who can't support herself.

Decide!

SaucyJack · 15/12/2014 17:29

Date her if you like her for herself and want to spend time with her.

But yes, it's fair to say four kids from three failed relationships shows a spectacular lack of judgement on some level.

lunar1 · 15/12/2014 17:30

No I wouldn't but that is my own issues not a judgment on her. I will never be a step parent and if dh and I separated I would never bring a step dad into my boys life either.

And while she says they are not really involved I'd still wonder in how complicated life would be. What if they did become involved, you'd be trying to plan things to please 4 different families. That's far more complicated for me.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/12/2014 17:32

Needs- I don't think anyone has to be a genius to see that it's possible she has lack of judgement over her partners and that she is perhaps irresponsible to have conceived 4 children when she - and their fathers- presumably cannot support them

Perhaps she could and then she couldn't situations do change. Shit happens.

Its quite wrong to make assumptions based on such limited information.

You could look at my family situation and make assumptions but you would be wrong.

HanselandGretel · 15/12/2014 17:32

Having 4 kids and being on benefits isn't itself an issue, she most probably needs to be a t home with them if they are fairly young and she doesn't have support, also it may not be worth her while financially to work as is the way with the benefits system, childminding costs etc.

The worrying part for me is her haste to invite you to stay, as others have said, she sounds like she wants an instant relationship, having a track record of having babies with different men and it not working out, it's hard not to make an assumption that she is after someone in her life who will fill a role.

Justasitis · 15/12/2014 17:39

Who is to know her exact situation. The op seems interested in the fact she has 4kids from 3 men as a reason not to date. How she got into that situation how are we to know. She could be a widow, she could have been naive and married very young. Let's face it we've all been there to some extent that's why em come on here! I fully get why the op is asking the question because he has hinted he is looking for a long term relationship. Personally, if I was him ... And I wanted and was used to a big family ... It wouldn't put me off per se. This issue of her saying stay over if they get along. One can initially think omg how immature, reckless, desperate but ... Given they haven't met in person how are we to know they haven't had electric conversations, sexual filled innuendo etc on both sides. She may not be looking for a serious relationship how do we know? She may feel excited that she may have met someone decent finally and wants to know if they're sexually compatible. How do we know? I personally wouldn't judge. The original question was seeking answers and opinions to her as a potential date ... If you get along with her then meet up and see how it goes ... If you're local then perhaps at the very least you may make a new friend ... Why not just be open minded and see how it goes

Festivelybereft · 15/12/2014 17:39

Staying over seems a bit odd to me.

Not that that determines she is after a father or payday just that she hasn't got the sense or cash to book a room if she is just looking for a quickie.

You haven't even met her but you attribute all these negative intentions.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 15/12/2014 17:39

She has 4 kids by 3 different men,none of whom are in contact with their kids and she already wants you to stay the night after first meeting her.Run for the hills imo

I would guess at best she has some issues when it comes to relationships and jumping into things too soon.

MiniTheMinxLovesMinxPies · 15/12/2014 17:42

She might just want a nice relationship with you. But inviting you to stay before she has met you when you live fairly locally spells disaster. She obviously likes things to move quickly. You have to get to know each other if it has any hope of lasting, because there are four children involved here as well.

ghostspirit · 15/12/2014 17:45

she might be quite vulnerable as well

Justasitis · 15/12/2014 17:46

I think it's really unfair to chastise a woman for having kids with different men when all the facts are not know ... How many people do you know who conduct themselves 'perfectly' in relationships ... I kind of get why but doesn't sit well reading ... No one plans this type of thing

FruitCakey · 15/12/2014 17:49

Marking my place int' thread. Wine

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/12/2014 17:55

Perhaps she's fallen into the usual on line trap you know the one where you talk for ages then think you know someone.

Never happened to me because I hate everybody but I know many people who have experienced it.

Hotel would be better because the op could be an axe murderer and all that but loads of people are daft about that sort of thing

needaholidaynow · 15/12/2014 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 15/12/2014 17:59

I wouldnt because i'm not into women. Grin

I would meet her and see how it goes OP. You like her so thats a starting point. Although ask yourself seriously if you actually want to be a step parent or a supporting role to a parent of four children. It is a big thing to take on and not easy. I speak as a single parent of two and would not want to be messed around by someone who hadnt given that serious thought before pursuing the relationship.

ElsieMc · 15/12/2014 18:01

My DD1 has three children by three different fathers. Only one dad bothers. However, she married three years ago to a man without any children himself, he did the running and was the one who wanted to marry, not her at the time. She wasn't sure given her life history.

He doesn't have an issue with the eldest child's dad, knows what he is, but remains neutral in any dealings and will never, ever be provoked.

I think you are coming from the pov that she should be grateful you are showing any interest, whereas times have moved on and a lot of women are very wary when they have been hurt in the past.

I wouldn't meet up. You have only spoken online and you are already wary, although you say you are not, and suspicious about her circumstances. This is not good for anyone, particularly her children. Sorry to be harsh.

AMillionNameChangesLater · 15/12/2014 18:02

My mom was a single divorced mother of four (2 different dads) on benefits when she met my stepdad. It was turbulent because I was a bitchy 8 year old, but they have just celebrated their 19th wedding anniversary. It can, and does, work

CheeseBuster · 15/12/2014 18:03

No I wouldn't. I don't really associate with people like that and certainly wouldn't want to date one.

corlan · 15/12/2014 18:05

I wouldn't want to date anyone who would call me a 'single mom.'

davejudgement · 15/12/2014 18:05

I assume you work and pay taxes, so why the hell not, you're contributing to bringing them up anyway.

Original poster
Magicman1 · 15/12/2014 18:07

Yes I did wonder what her motives were staying over so soon

OP posts: