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Original poster

Would you date a single mom with 4 children from 3 different partners living on benefits

181 replies

Magicman1 · 15/12/2014 15:59

Hi
For a while I have been chatting to this woman online she seems really nice but I wonder if I should date her.
I am late thirties single no children etc living up north.
We get on well and she would like to meet but I'm no sure what's best.
She has four children from three different partners. None of her exes bother with her children and she often gets depressed about her predicament of being a single mother with 4 kids living on benefits.

Do you think I should meet her or should I steer clear.
I like this woman but not sure it would be a good idea to get too involved
What do you think?

Any advice would be appreciated ladies

OP posts:
ebolahat · 15/12/2014 16:28

And like a pp says, different if it's somebody you actually know and like, but I wouldn't pursue it with somebody you've never even met

Greysanderson · 15/12/2014 16:30

Too much potential hassle.

emmelinelucas · 15/12/2014 16:30

If you live oop north, why is she a mom- a mom ?

TheCowThatLaughs · 15/12/2014 16:32

I wouldn't personally date anyone with kids because I know I've not got the patience and I'm too selfish to bother with someone else's children, but you may feel differently, op. Only you can decide really.

Bilberry · 15/12/2014 16:33

It is crazy to say don't judge in these circumstances. Surely, you always make judgements on future partners? It might be children, humour, outlook on life, religion but isn't the point of dating to judge whether someone is compatible with you?

Magicman, what is goal? To have a bit of fun? If so, then leave well alone as children don't need the upset for just a bit of fun. If potentially long term, how do you feel about bringing up other peoples kids possibly financially as well? Would she want another with you if you would like your own? Has she just been unlucky or does she lack commitment to relationships?

Original poster
Magicman1 · 15/12/2014 16:33

Yes it not as easy situation as everybody makes mistakes

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 15/12/2014 16:33

Mom is used in place of mum in some parts of the north

mytartanscarf · 15/12/2014 16:36

No, I wouldn't want to date a man in this situation so can understand someone steering clear of a woman in these circumstances.

Original poster
Magicman1 · 15/12/2014 16:37

Bilberry I think I would could be potentially long term but who knows
She just says she's a hopeless romantic and being unkucky
She opens to more kids but I would like kids in the future

OP posts:
VitalStollenFix · 15/12/2014 16:39

It feels like on some level you judge her for the situation she is in. I mean, that was practically a daily mail headline there Grin Would it be better in your eyes if the 4 children all had the same father?

The poor woman sounds like she has been stuck with some right arseholes. Judge them! They are the ones who helped to produce a child and then fucked off, leaving her to cope alone.

I am sure she didn't plan this. She probably thought they loved her. But when a bloke runs off, what's a woman to do? We can't run away from our responsibilities because someone has to take care of the kids and it sure as hell isn't the man when he's legging it down the road before she's finished the word 'pregnant'

If you are not interested in women who have children, that's fine. Don't get into contact with them.

I think in any situation if you are describing it negatively and wondering whether it's worth it - it probably isn't.

CogitOIOIO · 15/12/2014 16:40

Sadly, as the one woman I know personally with four children, two ex partners (who are excluded from their DCs' lives) and one current partner is a complete PITA and rather unstable, I would probably be prejudiced against someone, male or female, with a similar profile. But I'm not the best with 'baggage'

Original poster
Magicman1 · 15/12/2014 16:44

Thanks people for continue response it making me think

OP posts:
ghostspirit · 15/12/2014 16:45

why is it complicated that she has 4 kids by 3 different men? you said the fathers dont bother with the children. so i guess at least you you not have probs with the ex/childrens fathers. im not sure if it matters there are different dads shes single either way.

im a single mum to 4 children. and i have dated a couple of blokes and they have been ok about me having children. but then its gone a bit wrong. maybe because they dont have experience of children. they think they can manage it but cant. one of my exes thought i could just go out when ever i feel like it. sometimes we would be out and i would have to get home because something has happend with one of the kids. and never considered how the kids might feel about their mum being taken out rather often and they seemed to be tossed to one side.

for me as a single mum i have decided getting into any form of relationship is a no no until my kids are older

MiniTheMinxLovesMinxPies · 15/12/2014 16:48

Is it the thought of taking on four children or the idea that they have different fathers that is bothering you?

Tobyjugg · 15/12/2014 16:50

If you need to ask the question, then the answer's "NO!"

CogitOIOIO · 15/12/2014 16:50

It's complicated in that anyone can make a mistake and anyone can end up a lone parent for a variety of reasons. If it happens once or twice you can put it down to bad luck. Once you get on to DC #3 or #4 with partner #3 or #4 and no-one's still in contact with anyone else, that's a pretty poor hit rate and you have to start wondering if it's bad luck or bad judgement.

MonstrousRatbag · 15/12/2014 16:50

What precisely is the issue with 4 kids with 3 men? What do you think it says about her; about the kids; about a relationship between you if you had one?

It would be more useful for you to pin down what you think than ask us what we would do, surely?

pinkfrocks · 15/12/2014 16:52

I think you know the answer.
Someone I know- a relative in the family- makes it clear in his profile he does not want a woman with children ( whether by one man or several.)
If you are looking for a long term relationship then you ought to have done some digging into your own psyche already to decide if that would include taking on children from another relationship. For some men that it a no-no; others have no qualms. It's what works for you but you'd be taking on a huge amount not least financially if this worked out long term.

Santaslittleblowupdoll · 15/12/2014 16:55

If this is an real thread I would think long and hard.

Getting with some one with children is incredibly hard in any circumstances. You will always be out last in the pecking order of needs. There will be a whole bag if emotional needs the children will have when you appear and it will take a long time if ever to gain their trust.

Being on benefits shouldn't be an issue though but to be honest I would t date a bloke on benefits either. My point being is I was a single parent at one point and worked my arse off so didn't really want the responsibility of carrying another person.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/12/2014 16:55

If you want kids, I'd probably say no. Bringing up and supporting five children must be hard in the best circumstances. These aren't the best circumstances.

Original poster
Magicman1 · 15/12/2014 16:56

Part of me thinks I should give it ago and the other part of me thinks it could be frought with problem
Ladies would you date a guy like this if it is the other way around

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/12/2014 16:58

Well, the other way round in what way? A single dad who brings up his many kids? Or a man who just goes around impregnating women?
The first might be fine...

Original poster
Magicman1 · 15/12/2014 17:00

A man who brings up all his kids

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 15/12/2014 17:00

What is so special about her that makes you have this sort of angst so early on? The internet is full of women so why are you beating yourself up in a shall-I shan't I way over this one?
Do you have masses in common, have you chatted by phone, have you even met her?
She doesn't have a good track record and although it could just be bad luck, it may not be. Unless there are compelling reasons to date her and not the other 10 million single women in the UK then I'd not.

Had you met her already socially and liked her, then found out she had 4 kids, that might be different. But to chase after someone with so much baggage seems a bit foolish.

VitalStollenFix · 15/12/2014 17:02

No.

Not because I judge them for having children or for claiming benefits, but because I don't really like children. Apart from my two. mostly. Wink

Someone like me has no right to get into a relationship with someone who has children. Those children deserve more than to be stuck with someone like me.

What do you mean by give it a go though? You've never met her, right? It doesn't hurt to go for dinner or something. Don't go down there with your suitcases, that's all. you don't know her, you don't love her, don't get carried away with a fantasy.

Doesn't hurt to see if the two of you get on in real life, just don't make more of it than it is.