AIBU to want my christmas tree back?

[AnotherRandom]

I am shaking with rage at the moment. My husband has taken down the Christmas tree. There is a back story which I have to give.

I have always celebrated Christmas even though I'm not a Christian. I love this time of the year, it is my favourite. My family have always done the celebrations so to me it is normal and part of life.

He converted to Islam over a year ago and told me yesterday that either I take the tree down or he will. This is because he said it is a pagan tradition (I know it's origins) and idol worship to have it in the house and it is against his religion.

I explained to him, felt more like justify to him, my choice but he wouldn't agree.

I returned home to find it gone. It's nowhere to be found in the house. I've checked the garage, loft, shed and any place I could think of. I don't know what he's done with it. I am so upset :(

Aibu to want to have the tree up? I even tried to compromise and said I would only have it up for a week in December. He said no. My daughter was confused and asked where the tree has gone :( she helped me decorate it this year too and it's all gone. What a shit day.

OP, you know he's talking shit, that's a good start.

It's far easier for us to say LTB than it is for you to actually do it, we all know that I'm sure. But honestly, the more you divulge, the more awful he sounds. You must protect yourself and your DD.

Can you start by detaching and trying to see him through everyone else's eyes. If you're not ready to leave now, put in place a plan to leave and an escape plan in case you need it. In your situation I honestly think you would be safer leaving now, but if you won't, be very careful how you go. If he sees that you're getting wise to his controlling ways he might become very dangerous indeed.

Fingers you wrote:

I finally ( I thought) got my Mother out of the abusive/violent situation with my Father. Set her up with a flat. Got her a job. Clothed her ( she had nothing) And then one day she just up and left and went back to him after one year apart.

YOU did this. not her. as I said, SHE wasn't ready.

you can't kick heroin if you're not ready to dig into the very depths of your soul to find the strength to quit it.

DV/abuse is in many ways harder, due to the initial vulnerabilities BEFORE the abuser got their claws into the victim, AND the subsequent damage done by the conditioning/grooming.

sorry, meant to add, good for you for trying.

MY DM/family tried to keep me in my abbusive relationship. they even went to womans Aid to get support and help for themselves....

can we drop all the mumbo jumbo religion stuff here please? it's irrelevant to this world thread. the guy's using a manufactured religion to oppress a woman.

let's not dignify the abuser with a label eh? he's an abuser. who gets up early and talks shit. spends his life finding little things he can twist into his law.

Random my love, you know I know that fear. it's the worst thing ever. it physically hurts.

I lived 10 years with my abuser, 3 years in his godforsaken country. this left me agoraphobic and terrified of life itself.

so fear is well known to me.

the day he left I was in physical pain from the fear, but thhere was a little quiet voice that knew that life would be better if he left. if I was free from him.

the day he left was terrifying, I saw him unravel as he realised he'd 'lost' me. I held firm, straining to hear that tiny voice telling me I had to let him go.

(mumsnet was a huge part of that voice, so please keep posting and you will be able to gain in strength to improve your life.)

you have the love and support of your family, so please do go there, spend christmas and think. really think.

if you need anyone to talk to, please PM me and i'll gladly hold your hand for as long as you need it.

this is a drug you're trying to gain control over. make no mistake.

I have been free for 4 years now, I have a ds with him, so have to have some contact. now (following lots of therapy and help/musing) we can hold a conversation. i've ranted and raved at him, he's been told what he is, and lknows not to try to challenge me. I allow him no latitude for that.

I know he hasn't changed. I know he won't, but he won't ever again get another chance with me. I deserve better.

being alone is better than being with him. trust me. I do however live in hope that one day I can meet someone I can love with all my heart and have him love me back. it's looking positive atm, but i've spent time alone, and worked VERY hard to heal myself.

where you are now Random is at the beginning of a journey, not at the end. your one step away, to gain distance and perspective will serve you well. basically, if you do anything to gain distance it will swerve you well. doing nothing places you at sure risk of further damage/harm.

the sooner you find the strength to do what you must do, the better.

thhis is not the time to do what you want to do, it's the time to do what you must.

please pm me, you need people that know where you are, and where you've been, you need people who know where you are going too.

this goes for the lurkers too!

christmas is a hideous time of year for many in abusive environments: days off, alcohol, family obligations etc.. so if this resonates, please pop along to the christmas challenging families thread or PM me?

Mumsnet helped me beyond anything many of you can imagine. as a result I put back. the offer's always there.

Hissy

Hissy you're amazing. The process, the back and forth, the thinking: that's what will get you there. Of course we want you to leave this minute, everyone around you does, but we can't add to the oppression you already feel because we are annoyed you haven't made the obvious choice.

The only way I was able to leave my shitty abusive marriage was by thinking of the impact of it on my children. I rolled that horrific thought repeatedly round and round my head, and like a ball of dung it became bigger and bigger until it exploded and I just knew - my children were more important than my fear, and I got up and left.

I'm so happy that you're back on your thread Festive - we get a tad worried around here when there is abuse that is on the increase. Forgive us if, at times, we seem to be pushing. We (and I hope I'm correct in speaking for many here) just want to wave a magic wand. But of course that would negate personal growth and readiness for each journey. Which would be wrong. You must find your own decisions and pace of action.

Please just accept our support for this journey you are on. It may involve fear all round at times! But we're here for you.

he told me because it's currently the time of the month, I am not being rational with my tone of voice and my opinion

Tis a pity he doesn't care for you as much as you care for him.

he told me because it's currently the time of the month, I am not being rational with my tone of voice and my opinion

in Islam people are told the time of the month can be difficult for women but like everything else he's added feet and legs to how he interprets things and ...........

But that said - how many of us ask for a bit of slack when we have our period and we feel lousy. How many of us have said in the past - I sorry I came across like that, I feel lousy, I have my period.

How he's said it however is more than likely not from healthy motivation.

Chillyegg, you hit the nail on the head there.
SPIDERS, your husband sounds wonderful.

RANDOM, you know that your husband is sadly using a very peaceful religion to abuse you, just re-read what Chilly & Spiders have written.

I am a Christian, but I would have nothing to do with the Ku Klux Klan because, although they use the name of Jesus in their vitriolic rantings, they could not be further from the teachings of Jesus or the Church.
As Chilly & Spiders show, the bandwagon of abuse that your husband has jumped on has nothing to do with their true religion either.

Hissy I've read your last post about three times now. You truly are amazing!

I'm extremely grateful for everyone's input.

My husband is being a lot nicer to me, I know it's a phase. He got called over to his parents house and was told to watch his tongue around our daughter as he often swears in front of her. She has picked up a swear word.

He came home and felt bad, despite me having told him for months to stop swearing, and is finally going to stop doing it.

He did however say that I need to be careful not to cause arguments or escalate them. I should try and keep calm to stop things from getting heated it's like he got told off and then is pushing some of that blame on to me. He gets his faults picked on and he feels as though I need to have the same done too.

I'm teaching this morning and the signal is awful where I work so will not reply until late afternoon. Hope you all have a great day!

He did however say that I need to be careful not to cause arguments or escalate them.

He's not wrong there is he? This man is telling you what he is Random

DD picking up a swear word is minor compared to what else she is picking up living in an atmosphere where mummy is not allowed an opinion in case daddy gets uncontrollably angry.

I know you have said you need more time. Would it help to explain why? Or to explain what you hope to gain by staying? We are all here to help you through this and I know it must have been a bit of a shock to post about your Christmas Tree and get 999 LTBS!!

So it's still your fault even in one of his nice phases.

'pushing some of the blame'? It's ALL your fault! You 'cause' arguments. You put a tree up in spite of his 'relision' It's your time of the month so you are 'not rational'.... Grrrrrrr

Get away for a few days at christmas, and think about what he is doing to your child - if not you! She is already swearing (verbal abuse, in front of a child) - what else? Physical fear fron his outbursts? Get it documented, if you can. All of it.

He's warning you not to upset him, it's a very thinly veiled threat and he talks to you like you're a child. If this is him being nice, well we know what he's like when he's nasty.

I haven't read the whole thread so forgive me if I speak out of turn. I'm a Muslim, I wouldn't ever consider putting a tree up in our house - it just doesn't fit with how we live. But the tree isn't the issue. You need to take your little girl and passports etc and just go. Don't tell him in advance just leave when he's out. The way he treats you is unacceptable and putting his hands around your throat is not the sign of a loving man, whatever his faith. Sounds like he's warped your thinking and making you doubt your own gut feelings. I hope you get out of this abusive and toxic relationship

Exactly what PEANUTCOOKIE says

Just dropping by with these, OP and my sympathies on the man you fell in love with turning out to be a controlling, abusive asshole. Many of us have been there.

Good luck, OP, to you and your daughter.

He did however say that I need to be careful not to cause arguments or escalate them. I should try and keep calm to stop things from getting heated hmm it's like he got told off and then is pushing some of that blame on to me. He gets his faults picked on and he feels as though I need to have the same done too.

I'm sorry but this triggered me very much. It's a threat. pure and simple.

If you want, I will see if I can find the photo of my elbow after I caused an argument It's on my old laptop at home. I kept it. Reminds me of the day I knew I'd get out one day, and that all I had to do was to bide my time until I could get on the last plane I'd ever take from that godawful place.

Allow me to correct this paragraph for you:

HE needs to control HIS temper. HIS temper is HIS issue. HE and HE ALONE can control HIS life/temper/tongue.

My ex would ask me "will you make me happy?' the answer (after 6m on Mumsnet) was

"I'm not responsible for your happiness. The only person who can make you happy is you'

allow me also to explain that he's NOT really angry either. he manufactures it, brews it. this is why you can sense it when he's not kicked off for a while. he's looking for a trigger. this is why you get to the point of no matter what you do it's wrong.

Sure you can try and placate him, tapdance on broken glass? or even fuck your way out of it... keeping him sweet that way. been there, done that, but that only goes so far. It just makes you hate him and yourself in the long run.

As for the man you fell in love with turning out to be an abusive arsehole, sadly he ALWAYS WAS ABUSIVE, but he was playing a trick, a ploy a game to hook his victim. That NICE person was an act. never existed. was always a lie. You never ever stood a chance, he would have got to this point regardless of anything. he now has a 'badge', a motive for his control. to argue against him is to go for God....

Abusers are not nice people, they CAN be nice to get what they want, but it's ONLY to get what they want.

Nice people are NICE because they want to be nice TO that person. Abusers are nice because they want something FROM that person. they don't want to give NICE away, they want to absorb it, take it and keep it for themselves.

I've recommended the Lundy Bancroft book - although it took me until a good couple of MONTHS after the Ex had gone to read it. I was scared..
I shouldn't have been, i should have read it sooner. It was the single most empowering thing I have ever done for myself.

I wish I could just download all the stuff I have had to learn these last few years and create an upload for those in these situations. So that they could just skip the learning, bypass the steps to freedom and find themselves free and happy and strong.

Sadly our journeys are ours and ours alone. If all I can tell you is that it's easier than you think it is, and your DC will improve within DAYS of being free of this abuse.

You and your child will have a better life when he is not in it. You will (with work) go on to better. he will always be a risk to you and to your child. You need to be very mindful of this.

My ex was abusive, he was violent when he needed to be, he was charming when he needed to be. he never choked me. this single act places your abuser in the highest category of risk of murder. Now he has 'got religion' he's now gained the righteousness he needed to justify his torture of you.

he will oppress your DD too. that's the way his path is set now... please see this?

if you are in Hampshire, I have free DV therapy groups I can recommend, and people to talk to.

sorry for the essay...

Hissy you are fabulous

Oh OP. :( I can only echo what others have said.

Thank you Hissy for all you've written on this thread.

Stunning post Hissy

I re-read your thread Random ... it's actually an utterly terrifying progression of abuse and almost psychopathic domination that you catalogue so clearly and calmly. Maybe you should re-read too, with as much of an observer's pov as you can muster?

Sorry this may seem extreme but the longer you stay with him knowing all this the longer you are allowing yourself and your dd to be abused, I am sorry but you need to go today otherwise you are not protecting your daughter, poor girl