AIBU to want my christmas tree back?

[AnotherRandom]

I am shaking with rage at the moment. My husband has taken down the Christmas tree. There is a back story which I have to give.

I have always celebrated Christmas even though I'm not a Christian. I love this time of the year, it is my favourite. My family have always done the celebrations so to me it is normal and part of life.

He converted to Islam over a year ago and told me yesterday that either I take the tree down or he will. This is because he said it is a pagan tradition (I know it's origins) and idol worship to have it in the house and it is against his religion.

I explained to him, felt more like justify to him, my choice but he wouldn't agree.

I returned home to find it gone. It's nowhere to be found in the house. I've checked the garage, loft, shed and any place I could think of. I don't know what he's done with it. I am so upset :(

Aibu to want to have the tree up? I even tried to compromise and said I would only have it up for a week in December. He said no. My daughter was confused and asked where the tree has gone :( she helped me decorate it this year too and it's all gone. What a shit day.

Hissy - you were really kind to me on the 'Difficult Christmas' thread - having read the things you said there and on this thread, can it just tell you what a wonderful person you are - and please, please believe me when I say it.

AnotherRandom - wiser people than I have given you amazing advice on here, and I hope you can find the inner strength to follow it - you and your dd deserve so much better than this abusive environment.

One thing you said stuck out for me - you spoke of feeling hollow/empty at the realisation that, even having talked things through with him, you still were not satisfied. I think your feeling of dissatisfaction is your gut telling you that, no matter what he says, things are not going to get better.

Pie suspect that the emptiness is grief - you are grieving for all the hopes you had for your marriage - the might-have-beens - it is a very real loss to realise that those dreams could all be gone, but you can get through it - like Hissy and the other amazing ladies on this thread have done.

I hope that you have a magical Christmas with your lovely dd.

m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-30532087

SDTG thanks... got something in my eye there..

omg yes, i forgot but i DID think earlier, when i heard some radio news at work, that this guy will be so eligible for 5yrs very soon ... was it wicked of me to smile nastily?

and btw SDTG is correct about Hissy

hissy's linked article was talked about on the Beeb r4 news tonight with a live interview with a victim of EA. I thought about you, op, then I looked at the time of your posting and wondered if you were tuned into r4 too - and if you realised that it could be you talking?

I don't know if the News is on playback but if it is, would urge you to listen.

Bestest thoughts for you to keep safe,

Hope.

this is all we have for the future when in an abusive relationship.

I knew that if I stayed with him there would be no holidays to Spain, Portugal, Franch, eastern Europe (all, beneath him apparently, which bearing in mind where he's from is a fucking joke..)

I knew i'd not be able to speak my second language, because he objected to it. i'm a fucking linguist ffs...

I knew he'd sulk every birthday our son would have, he'd make some shitty remark before each of mine, I knew there'd be no bliss.

I knew i'd feel sick everytime his key turned in the lock.

I knew my son would grow up either like him, or hating him.

find your truth..

"The Truth Shall Set You Free"

remember?

wonder if they'll feature the report on Women's Hour?

A very interesting article!! No I didn't hear the R4 thing, is there any way I can listen to it again?

I do plan on returning home, I'm not ready to just leave like that, not yet anyway. I know that this will frustrate some (all) of you but I'm not ready to move out.

Everything that's happened has been written down and logged in my notebook (which is safely hidden and he would never suspect I've logged it all down).

But it's right what has been said, he didn't give two shits about how I felt when being aggressive or when removing the tree.

I have been at my mum's today and asked her whether I should tell him I'm staying there for Xmas and she thinks I should tell him. But I have her backing and she will support me in spending Xmas there. I feel much more confident to tell him my plans. He can like it or lump it. He is not ruining this time of year for me.

I will see how things go, but I am not stupid. I know life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship and I know I deserve better. I know I have given him plenty of opportunity but I just feel I want to make sure I tried hard enough before chucking it all in. Well that's stupid of me, I have tried hard enough. He needs to try and if it doesn't feel right to me, I will make my plan to leave.

Again, it's just so hard but I do feel more confident in my options and with all the support I now have from my friend, my family and all of you.

Thank you again, seriously you have really helped me realise I am not over exaggerating about things.

I am not scared of him getting violent, he won't.

I am. He has.

OP, the problem with abusive men is that if they get the slightest inkling that you're detaching or finding your voice, they'll step up the abuse in order to get you back under their control and put you back in your place.

Your need to tell him your plans, whilst standing up to his demands is dangerous. I'm really scared for you.

I am not scared of him getting violent, he won't.

He might. And he has. I think you are minimising the potential for kick off, given the recent escalation of events.

Hiya op, I've just checked (almost 11pm,) and the interview is online on the PM Radio4 News 5.0m- don't know how long they're available tho, worth you looking-I player bbc radio 4, schedule.....

Happy Christmas OP. Been lurking but hope you got to your parents for a lovely christmas

Has anyone mentioned the Freedom Programme? Can't link but please Google and find a course near you. It is a very unthreatening and safe course,

You say he is a man child but that isn't it at all - he wants a servant and he is training you, like you'd train a dog or a horse. You're talking, talking, thinking he's listening- he isn't! No matter how well you put it, what you have to say is not on his agenda, he is simply not interested, he is only interested to train you to obey.

OP as horrifying as what he is doing to you is, it is infinitely more horrifying to think of what he will do to your daughter. You must get clued up on how controlling abusers operate - hence the Freedom Programme - because you must work the system to make sure he doesn't have unsupervised contact with her.

Along with other posters, I am very concerned that the violence he is holding back will be unleashed when something happens that makes it clear his training isn't working as well as he expects. All the things you have posted are classic tactics used by abusers btw. This has zero to do with religion.

OP, I've just discovered this thread and read it through. Hope you are having a wonderful Christmas.

The sweetest and kindest person I know is a long-time Muslim convert and my brother. As are just all the members of his community that I know. Men and women are different but equal before Allah, and that does not place any religious obligation on women to do a stitch of housework, let alone serve their man.

But your man, he reminds me of a boyfriend my dd had. Putting aside the extremely serious issue of dv at the moment, hours and hours of arguments everytime you want to do something he doesn't agree with just automatically makes one conform to their wishes, even with small rebellions along the way. My dd's personality changed so much while she was with him, fortunately it came back after she got rid of him.

Yes, your depression is likely to dissipate once you get rid of him. He is very likely the reason for your depression.

yy you probably love him - because he can be so sweet and lovely. He's sweet and lovely when he's buttering you up. He is sweet and lovely when it suits him, not when it suits you.

You say you're afraid of living alone. It's easy for me to say that life will be infinitely lighter when you offload this huge weight but it really will. Life is simple and straightforward again, no longer having to second-guess or justify the tiniest thing. No more shocks, no more trembling rage at the latest thing he's done. No more despair that 'he's just not getting it'. He has no intention of 'getting it'. He knows full well what you're saying but he's not interested. He searched around to find something that would justify his control of you. I doubt he'll listen to anyone who says the religion he's chosen doesn't teach what he believes.

Morning everyone, hope you all had a great Christmas!

I spent Christmas at my parent's house. It was really lovely. However I did have a heavy heart packing my things on Christmas Eve. It felt wrong to not be spending Christmas together.

Luckily being with my family kept me occupied and I really enjoyed it.

For those that don't know, we are currently faced with a new issue in our relationship. I have started a thread about it in the philosophy and religion section (Islam is breaking my marriage).

I'm very confused with where my life is at and the problem I'm now faced with. This new problem has made me realise just how much I love my husband and how the possibility of parting ways is now becoming a reality. It's scary and daunting to have to deal with this :(

Have you loked at the Freedom Programme ? It's not religion that is breaking your marriage, muslim or otherwise.

Forgive me, but it's as though you feel you are the only one who has experienced something like this, when there are hoards and hoards who have. Just not too much under the auspices of religion (though, interestingly, my abuser used religion to control and abuse me). You're barking up the wrong tree if you think it's the religion behind this.

If you get along to the Freedom Programme it will open your eyes. You'll see that the religion is a smokescreen for what's really going on.

Yy to everything written above plus you have the gift of having a family living very near and solidly supportive. my guess is that you're more 'alone' now with your partner?

You also seem to be misinterpreting fear as love, perhaps think that through?

Oh, and freedom project have a PDF book online, free have a look only took me half a day of reading to get through it.

I've never heard of the freedom programme but will look into it.

I do feel more alone now with my partner. We are no longer allowed to be initimate and we are no longer seen as man and wife in the eyes of his religion. It's all very difficult for me at the moment. Literally in the space of a week I've lost my husband.

I mentioned it upthread. Will you look at it now? As you've all this time on your hands now he's frozen you out from the marriage.

This happens to anyone, you know. YOu're not the sort of person it wouldn't happen to, because it happens to anyone.

It's also 'very difficult' for everyone who starts getting the drift they're in an abusive relationship. In a sense, your husband is making it 'easy' for you (ha! there's nothing 'easy' about it..) because he's making it so obvious.

'Allowed'? Is he your dad?