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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to want my christmas tree back?

285 replies

AnotherRandom · 13/12/2014 19:49

I am shaking with rage at the moment. My husband has taken down the Christmas tree. There is a back story which I have to give.

I have always celebrated Christmas even though I'm not a Christian. I love this time of the year, it is my favourite. My family have always done the celebrations so to me it is normal and part of life.

He converted to Islam over a year ago and told me yesterday that either I take the tree down or he will. This is because he said it is a pagan tradition (I know it's origins) and idol worship to have it in the house and it is against his religion.

I explained to him, felt more like justify to him, my choice but he wouldn't agree.

I returned home to find it gone. It's nowhere to be found in the house. I've checked the garage, loft, shed and any place I could think of. I don't know what he's done with it. I am so upset :(

Aibu to want to have the tree up? I even tried to compromise and said I would only have it up for a week in December. He said no. My daughter was confused and asked where the tree has gone :( she helped me decorate it this year too and it's all gone. What a shit day.

OP posts:
Fingeronthebutton · 14/12/2014 12:59

"I can not just leave tonight. I need to plan the best way out"
I did, many many years ago with my first Husband.
I left my lovely house (with my Daughter) to go and live with my Sister in the most grotty small flat. I had to sleep on the settee. We all shared the bathroom and toilet with the flat upstairs. I had to leave my job. It was my Husbands company and he was having an affair with one of the women I worked with. I had nothing. So don't say you can't leave, yes you can. You are just finding excuses not to.

HamPortCourt · 14/12/2014 13:02

My friend left her abusive husband with her five DC and lived in a friends loft for months.

The DC thought it was all great fun and didn't want to leave when she finally got a divorce and could move back into the house.

You are maing excuses because you are afraid OP, we all get that. whsat we are saying is that you should be more afraid of staying than going.

Vivacia · 14/12/2014 13:09

so although my dh ihas his bad points, he is also exceptionally kind and loving and generous and a great father and a grat husband.

I think that this is dangerous advice, although I'm sure well-intended, to a woman who can count physical assault as one of his "bad points". OP's perception of reality has been warped by living with this man that she can not see that just one incident of assault outweighs all benefits.

Vivacia · 14/12/2014 13:09

OP what are your reasons for blanking him?

tiredvommachine · 14/12/2014 13:14

OP...What finger says. Please listen.

CinnamonCake · 14/12/2014 13:43

Start getting afraid of him OP, because no one here will tell you nothing will happen. We don't know.

Everything about him sounds dangerous. What do you think he will do to make you see you are not his equal?

Sooner or later he will make you talk to him again. I'm afraid for you.

If you were my daughter and had told me all you told here I would be very worried.
Have you told your parents about the violence?

LittleMissRayofHope · 14/12/2014 14:02

Haven't read every response but my DH is muslim. And i was raised CofE, now atheist. Anyway, I do christmas. Full tree decs, food, family etc. It's tradition not religious.
He doesn't like it, but does not stop it.
He doesn't get overly involved.

He once said it was wrong and I shouldn't do it so I told him that I would give it up but he had to give up ramadan as that is his 'tradition' and he saw my point and it has never been discussed since.

Your husband is being an arse. Using his 'God' as an excuse and something's hide behind. He's a bully.
If this is how he is going to be, just bulldozing his way through life now, I would seriously consider leaving.

Thanks Sorry your going through this

Fingeronthebutton · 14/12/2014 14:19

AnotheRandom. My childhood was one of violence and bullying. As I got older I was very angry with my Mother because I could never understand how she could let us suffer. This will be your Daughter. But by then, it's too late, isn't it?

Inertia · 14/12/2014 14:21

Random, people are not urging you to leave from some idealistic perspective. We're urging you to leave because he has a history of violence - strangulation is considered very extreme by the authorities- and we're worried that you don't seem to believe that there is any further threat to your safety.

If you are planning to delay leaving , you need to be extremely careful. Again, I'd urge you to contact the DV unit of your local police force so that your safety is flagged up.

SunnaClausIsComingToTown · 14/12/2014 14:30

Please go to your parents. They will support you. I'm very frightened for you. The man who tried to strangle you is just beneath the surface.

tipsytrifle · 14/12/2014 14:32

He used to be physically aggressive towards me, he would restrain me from leaving the room during an argument. He twice gripped me around the throat (a few years back now). He would grab my wrists and twist me up

If he can be so lured by a religion that already gives him license to exercise control over your lifestyle, the next phase is re-positioning you in the personal pecking order. As if he hasn't tried already through other forms of abuse. And your child. How long before you must wear clothing more and more suited to his newly adopted controlling interpretation of Belief and Faith? If you are more of a free-flow spirit who takes what she likes from a culture and builds a happy home with it, I think you would be wise to hear the Amazingly Huge Clarion Calls to Be Aware. Christmas no longer exists in your house.

I think you should leave on pretense of a visit to parents asap and not return. The more I read the more seriously Crazy and Bad this all sounds. I would go so far as to say I think this situation's becoming very dangerous. Christmas is a "spike" time for DV in any case and he's most certainly using it as a weapon atm.

What you're under-estimating here is that while recognising you have done nothing wrong, he most definitely has done wrong. If a violent man says "ok i won't do that again" are you happy to believe the promises of self control?

H has Changed. H has Religion. You know what folk do in the name of religion. Any religion makes demands of its followers. You would be unwise to ignore what religion, in the hands of a man who is quietly escalating abuse, might ask him to do to you.

I think you would be wise to allow some fear to fire up your adrenaline system.

What did WA say when you spoke to them a while ago?

Canyouforgiveher · 14/12/2014 14:47

I don't feel I'm at risk of violence as he has really controlled himself over the past year. I'm not scared of him.

This is a very worrying thing to say. normal men don't have to control themselves when it comes to violence - it simply wouldn't cross their minds to hit or throttle their wives. If you can see him controlling himself you are in a very very risky situation.

MehsMum · 14/12/2014 15:59

Take your DD and just go to your parents' house. Your husband is a controlling bully: leaving will be hard but you need to get well away from him. Take all important paperwork (passports, birth and marriage certificates, your driving licence, NI number, qualifications etc) when you do go.

I have never before read a thread like this, where I am so anxious about the welfare of the OP.

Fingeronthebutton · 14/12/2014 17:30

MehsMum. Many years ago I worked for MIND. I came into contact with several women who were suffering from DV. After putting myself in serious danger trying to help people, I realised there are just some people who you can't help and they have to find their own way. Sad but true.
I think this woman is one that will have to find her own way.
Try not to worry.

lemisscared · 14/12/2014 17:39

But fingeronthebutton you took your dh back Hmm

PigeonPie · 14/12/2014 17:50

OP I can see your dilemma. If you left and your H applied for joint custody your DD would end up being with him on her own whereas at the moment you're there to protect her.

It's a very difficult problem. However, I'm sure that there are others either here or at Women's Aid etc who might be able to advise.

Inertia · 14/12/2014 18:00

Pigeon- that's why she needs to report his violent attacks to the police.

wtffgs · 14/12/2014 18:04

Tell him The Muslim Council of Britain have told Muslims it's fine to celebrate Christmas and Jesus is considered an important prophet in Islam.

I think it is because your H is a controlling wanker and this has nothing to do with faith.

RoastitBubblyJocks · 14/12/2014 18:55

OP this thread is really, really chilling Sad

Call your parents, just go and stay with them. I really don't think you're safe staying with this man.

Santaslittleblowupdoll · 14/12/2014 19:01

I upped and left one night. Putt dd1 (8) in a taxi with a few things and went to my grandmothers. It as actually over some thing very minor but somthing clicked snd I just couldn't bear to be there anymore.

You should have left when he throttled you.

Footle · 14/12/2014 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 14/12/2014 19:12

you need to go to your parents for Christmas with a view to not coming back... play it calmly tho, either leave when he not there and dont tell him til you gone...; or get him to agree you go with dd for a short visit ..then stay...

and be prepared to call police if he comes to the house demanding you return and scaring you or your parents.
[which would show his true colors and make it easier for you to ensure only supervised contact moving forward...]

tipsytrifle · 14/12/2014 19:19

I agree with cestlavie ... are you ready for this huge change yet?

Wh0dathunkit · 14/12/2014 19:37

Some of the things you have mentioned really rang true with me. I remember being stuck in those awful arguments where he wouldn't let me go to sleep until he'd decided the argument was over. In my case, I only figured out what was going on when my mums dog witnessed his behaviour towards me and was terrified. I took the behaviour of a dog over my own feelings! The scales fell from my eyes at that point, and I went to stay with my mum until I could sort somewhere else to live.
My family couldn't stand him, but they knew that if they said anything about how much they disliked him, it would drive me further towards him. I think your parents are waiting for you to lose the scales from your eyes and are waiting patiently for you to reach out to them.

I also remember not being alowed to do certain things. More minor in my case, but my goodness when I went to bed when I decided to go to bed, and when I purchased crockery that wasn't fucking white, I was the happiest person you'd ever met. Small things :)

Life will be so much more clam without this bully changing the ever shrinking goalposts for you and your daughter, and I'm sure that you'll be able to do something to restrict his influence on your daughter in the long term. I'm afraid I have no idea how it works, but there must be some kind of court ordered wanker-clause.

You will get there, and it will be brilliant.

Hugs, lady x

Wh0dathunkit · 14/12/2014 19:39

*calm