AIBU to want my christmas tree back?

[AnotherRandom]

I am shaking with rage at the moment. My husband has taken down the Christmas tree. There is a back story which I have to give.

I have always celebrated Christmas even though I'm not a Christian. I love this time of the year, it is my favourite. My family have always done the celebrations so to me it is normal and part of life.

He converted to Islam over a year ago and told me yesterday that either I take the tree down or he will. This is because he said it is a pagan tradition (I know it's origins) and idol worship to have it in the house and it is against his religion.

I explained to him, felt more like justify to him, my choice but he wouldn't agree.

I returned home to find it gone. It's nowhere to be found in the house. I've checked the garage, loft, shed and any place I could think of. I don't know what he's done with it. I am so upset :(

Aibu to want to have the tree up? I even tried to compromise and said I would only have it up for a week in December. He said no. My daughter was confused and asked where the tree has gone :( she helped me decorate it this year too and it's all gone. What a shit day.

Y'know Random, as well as all the links you've been offered, if you've time to read back through this thread, there have been contributors here of mixed religion marriages. I don't recall any of them saying that religion has put a restriction on their intimate life? Might this be another of your partner's translation of his faith to suit his need to control you, do you think?

why are you not seen as man and wife? A muslim man is allowed to marry a Christian woman?
its control, not Islam. I was married to a muslim and although the marriage broke down, it had nothing to do with me not being a muslim too.

is it because you left the house?
If thats the case then you dont need to go home. You can express your displeasure in his behaviour by going to your parents home. it is up to him to come and get you if he want to sort it out.

@Another Random:

1. what he did with the christmas Tree is a very abusive act. He destroyed something he knows is important for you, and he knows you enjoy doing, and also that represented a good moment with your daughter. He also knows that the christmas tree is culturally an important symbol for family reunion, whether for religious or non-religious people, and the fact he destroyed this is a very symbolic act too.

2. He visibly uses Islam as a pretext to destroy the things you like and are important for you. It's not about Islam here.

3. you say he can be controlling and there are "ups and downs". And that when you disagree with him, he can make life hell for you. These are typical traits of abuse.

The ups are there to make you forget the downs. It's part of a cycle of abuse. It might help to make a note of how he is in his "ups" and how he is in his downs, and compare the two.

Have you considered leaving?

nettle. it's the first of your posts... he's 'holding out' until she converts no doubt.

classic abuser tactic.

if it weren't religion, it'd be something else.

@nettle I'm not a Christian and not from a religion which is of the book therefore in the eyes of his religion our marriage is now invalid.

@ana I have considered leaving a few times, but then I talk myself out of it by reminding myself how much I care about him.

This is my main problem, I keep thinking about what I'm going to lose but then I need to remind myself of what I will gain. I'm just scared of making a mistake and regretting losing my husband.

As the years have gone on I've tolerated more and more so it's hard to just give up now. He is handing it to me on a plate really. It's just I feel guilty that maybe I should at least try to read about the religion in more detail to see if it would be right for me and help keep us together.

I was so desperate a few days ago I went to a mosque to talk to somebody about our situation. I asked a man who was approaching the entrance if there was someone I could talk to and throughout our conversation he just looked at the floor.

He got someone from inside to talk to me and even he spent the entire time not looking at me. There were no women at the mosque who could talk to me because I happened to come on a day when none of them were running any classes. So I left it and went home.

My husband is growing more impatient with me. His nice act is wearing thin. Also I'm struggling with my emotions and I've been forgetting to take my anti-depressants so I think that's affecting my mood and how I deal with things. But we argued today and it reminded me just how much he tries to control me and what I do.

I will figure this out eventually, thank you for supporting me throughout Christmas. I had a brilliant time at my parent's house :)

yep Hissy, I am sticking to what I said in my first post.
all about abuse and control
nothing about Islam, or any kind of islam that isnt about control and submission of women.
Dont think that because you have tolerated more in the past that you cant break up now, that you need him to do something worse to make it seem worth doing? That way madness lies. Its the total that counts, not the individual things.
I didnt chuck my ex out when he decided to become a drug dealer.
I didnt chuck him out when he was caught in a seedy soho strip joint, nor when he was working for a madam collecting money from all the illegal prostitutes in Cricklewood. I didnt throw him out when he was hanging around with other women pretending he was single, when I caught him sending lewd messages in arabic to a different one, when he put some scummy man (who's family had thrown him out for similar behaviour) above me. Nor when he walked out of a job and expected me to support him for 7 months. I didnt throw him out when he threw things, when he used his religion to try to dictate that I should stay home alone while he ran around like a playboy. I didnt throw him out when he had an affair when I was pregnant and then carried on seeing her. I didnt even throw him out when I had meekly suggested I wasnt keen on being married and he threatened to stab me in the stomach to kill his unborn baby as it was 'too late to decide that now'.......
But I DID get him thrown out when I realised I didnt want my daughter to grow up thinking this was normal, and when he was rude to my sisters parents in law I jumped at the chance of my dad kicking him out of the house. A tiny thing. If I was waiting for something bigger then I probably would be dead.

I also think that this is abuse and the religious thing is just another way of abusing you. Please leave him because you are not going to have a good life with this man.

Nettle I can't believe you've been through all that. You are such a strong person.

I'm coming to the realisation that this is not going to work but I don't know what steps to take.

We jointly own our house and he pays all the bills currently as I stayed at home to raise our daughter. I have been doing supply work but that is literally the odd day, it was only something to keep my foot in the door with regards to teaching. I've been looking for full time posts but there aren't any in my subject :(

I feel a bit stronger each day to be on my own. He's really tried his hardest to get me to think about converting but it just doesn't sit right with me. It's too big of a life change for me to do this. And I can't accept a way of life just to save my marriage. I can't. I will resent him for it and that will sour things.

OP, the abuse started long before he became a Muslim and will continue long after. Islam is a beautiful religion, but it hasn't stopped him being who he is. He will naturally be inclined towards the most misogynist teachings and ignore anything that says otherwise.

As I said earlier my brother is a Muslim convert, but your husband would certainly not fit in with people like him.