AIBU to want my christmas tree back?

[AnotherRandom]

I am shaking with rage at the moment. My husband has taken down the Christmas tree. There is a back story which I have to give.

I have always celebrated Christmas even though I'm not a Christian. I love this time of the year, it is my favourite. My family have always done the celebrations so to me it is normal and part of life.

He converted to Islam over a year ago and told me yesterday that either I take the tree down or he will. This is because he said it is a pagan tradition (I know it's origins) and idol worship to have it in the house and it is against his religion.

I explained to him, felt more like justify to him, my choice but he wouldn't agree.

I returned home to find it gone. It's nowhere to be found in the house. I've checked the garage, loft, shed and any place I could think of. I don't know what he's done with it. I am so upset :(

Aibu to want to have the tree up? I even tried to compromise and said I would only have it up for a week in December. He said no. My daughter was confused and asked where the tree has gone :( she helped me decorate it this year too and it's all gone. What a shit day.

OP, this has FA to do with his religion. He's controlling and abusive.

Who takes a Christmas tree down, 10 days before Christmas, with a 2 yo in the house?

That would be the final straw for me. Wake up, OP.

Leave him a note telling him you are at your parents and call the police if he turns up and is aggressive.
Under no circumstances would I tell him before I went. I'd take all important documents with me, passports, birth certificate, comforters, etc.

I agree with pp who said you are like a frog being gradually boiled. You can jump out.

So he's been physically violent when you had PND. There are no words really. Apart from: Leave and never go back.

violence is not a red flag. Violence is beyond that

Please get out. That will be the best Christmas present ever for your child.

"I'd love to spend Christmas at my parents!! They would love to have me home. But I don't think he would allow it. He definitely wouldn't let me take my daughter and have us both stay away. Especially seeing as it is for Christmas. " Eh? But surely it being Christmas is irrelevant to him?

How is it that he doesn't 'allow' you to do things you want to do? What does he do to stop you? If it is physical force he uses, then that is against the law.

Do you actually want to stay with him? Or do you want to break free of this life where you seem to think you have to go along with what he wants?

He sounds unhinged. I think suddenly deciding to become a Muslim is quite bizarre. I could just about understand it if he were converting because you were a Muslim. But to suddenly make this decision for no reason sounds bonkers. I'd wish him luck with it and move on. I'd tell him I didn't want my daughter raised like this and that his decision to take on this religion has proved unacceptable for you to tolerate, especially as he seems to be interpreting it as a reason to dictate what you may or may not do.

Go to your family, have a nice Christmas with your DD. After that you can decide if you want to continue a marriage like this.

I agree with everyone who has said he is controlling and abusive. He has just managed to find a "religion" that he can make fit with his controlling abusiveness.
Christianity didn't fit the bill, so he has tried something else and moved on to Islam.
You need to get you and your dd out as fast as you can.
I shudder to think how he will treat your dd as she gets older.

Morning all :) thank you for all the replies.

I don't feel I'm at risk of violence as he has really controlled himself over the past year. I'm not scared of him.

He has gone out this morning to help someone and won't be back for a while.

I think in the short term I will spend Christmas with my family but need to think about my options. Last week he was so frustrated with me he went to see my parents to tell them how I need to change. How since my daughter has been born our marriage hasn't been great.

Problem is, before she was born I used to do EVERYTHING in the house. After she was born, things did change, she was my priority and it was no longer him and I don't think he's coped with that change. I am unable to do it all and despite telling him this I feel as though he hasn't supported me like a husband should.

He still wants me to do everything for him. He paints himself out to be the victim. My parents didn't support what he said and he left without saying goodbye to them. They felt he was extremely rude and didn't like what he was saying about me. One thing he said was if I don't change then he can't see us moving forward!

I refuse to change, I honestly believe I have done nothing wrong and that he is deluded in what he expects from a marriage. I'm not a bad person, I don't dress bad, I don't act bad, I do what I can around the house and it didnt seem so bad to me these past few years. In fact it's been a struggle especially with having depression untreated for that time. I'm feeling a lot better in myself since taking the meds, I feel as though I can cope with life again.

But he is a drain on my energy reserves and thinking about the future is daunting. I know I need to do something but I don't feel I can do anything yet. I'm not financially able to cope on my own.

Hello OP, like others, this is my first post in Relationships. I really feel the need to add my thoughts to the others who are telling you you really must leave. I'm so sorry.

In my work last year I stayed for a day in a top secret Safe House for Muslim women and their children escaping their lives with their controlling husbands. For some their absolute break point was the realisation of the life that their daughters faced - a future exactly the same to theirs, if they stayed.You freely chose your husband; your daughter, I'm absolutely sure, won't be allowed to choose hers. You know your husband,can you see the truth in that?

I wonder, by the way, what your husband's parents and family think of his Fundamentalist Conversion and if they know of the impact it is having on you, your daughter and your everyday life?

All good thoughts coming your way,

Last thing-Social Services can help you to find a safe place to stay.

Cross posted with you, OP, thanks for the update I'm so pleased that you have your parents onside

Oh my goodness, how ugly of him to do that.

Here in the Middle East where I am preparation for Christmas is in full swing for those who want to celebrate it. There are even Churches, and the shops are full of Christmans things including nativity sets.

And on a personal level my family are all Muslim and this Wednesday our 15 foot Christmas tree goes up, and on Christmas Day we have a lovely time.

I even take my 24 year old severely disabled son to a Christmas Concert in the Church grounds because they sing all his favourite children's songs. He's warmly welcomed and people look for him every year, even Santa Claus who once ran a mile at the sight of a 6 foot tigger running after him in the dark to get more sweeties. We still laugh about that and my in laws ask him every year - hows Santa :D

Its also very common here for locals to wish Christians a Merry Christmas, and my beloved inlaws come for Christmas Day and love it. I get non alcoholic Champagne and they love giving a toast to anything that moves - and these are devout people who've all been to Haj. They know the day for me means a trip down memory lane to when I was a little girl and they are happy if Im happy. I always have a Star in honour of my late mum who's name meant Star and they come in every year and 'look' to see where she is so they can say hello to her.

Your husband is being horrible and I wouldnt be putting up with this nonsense and I the time has come to ask yourself just where your marriage is going after his conversion and his take on Islam that is I suspect not the balanced approach it should be.

Im worried for you.

Glad to see that you have the support of your parents, and that you have seen your GP.

I really do think it would be a good idea to contact the police DV unit to report what's happened, and supply the evidence you have. Even if you don't feel in immediate danger now , there is a danger that he could threaten violence again when you leave the house, and if the police are aware that you are at risk they can respond more quickly.

And I'm sorry to say this,but you might well need a police record of the violence to ensure your daughter's safety - supervised contact might be the only way forward, but I believe you'd need evidence of potential risk. I'm afraid to say that you have to consider the risk that he might harm your child to punish you.

I'm glad your parents support you, use that, take whatever help they offer. Do they live nearby?

I can't believe he went to your parents to tell them you needed to change. Who the fuck does that? He doesn't respect you, he's treating you like a child by reporting you to your parents.

What I find really concerning about your posts is not the control, the violence or the strange interpretation of Islam, but his complete and utter detachment from the real world. I'm sorry sweetheart but this man sounds utterly deranged and that makes him incredibly dangerous. No sane man would go to a modern western woman's parents to report her behaviour - it's not how our culture works, but he's expecting your wider family to fit in with his view on the world. The whole sabbath debacle is fucking weird too, unilaterally deciding when the Sabbath is and forcing you to not do things for your daughter in order to fit in with his ways. I think you might be dealing with some mental health issues here, but he's dangerous so for your safety and your daughter's, get out. Now.

Just read your update and how you have to change so Im going to say this - according to Islam your husband can be married to a Christian women without there being any pressure put on her to convert. However it is said that its preferable if everyone in the house is of the same religion.

So here's the deal - your husband being the Fundamentalist that he is will soon be very ashamed of the fact your are not a Muslim and your life will be a misery. He does just not have the balls that other men have. Save yourself the heartache of it and what it will do to your esteem and get out of this mess now

I don't feel I'm at risk of violence as he has really controlled himself over the past year. I'm not scared of him.

OP I doubt I am the only person reading who has lost somebody close because her husband murdered her. Statistically, 2 women were murdered last week by their partner or ex. 2 this week. It will be 2 next week. I doubt few of them believe they will be murdered until the final few seconds. By then it is too late.

Do not take a risk with your daughter growing up without her mum. Go to your parents and never return.

Op I was going to send you a message last night.Reading the rest of your thread I really wish I had now.

You know this could be a serious mental health problem on his part don't you.

Years ago someone I knew a lovely man who had a psychotic break after the death of a child of his.No one realized at the time what was happening to him.He'd always been a Christian but just at the wrong time a new church got involved with him and with they're over the top influence and the psychotic break things got really dangerous for his family!!

In the end he had to be removed from the home for everyone's safety.

Your husband is an abuser,you really need to get yourself and your daughter away from him as soon as possible.He needs to get help for himself but that's his decision to make.

Oh and I dont think he's mentally unwell - he's just one of those 'reverts' who have gone at things with zeal.

Glad to hear your parents gave him short shrift when he tried to complain to them about their own daughter.

For goodness sake, he stopped you from getting help and medication for your depression by telling you his 'God' would take care of it? You need to stop taking notice of all his bullshit, and take charge of your own life.

I was married to a muslim, one Christmas he was going away and I was having my Christian friend and her children come to stay.

I put up a big beautiful tree and despite the fact he wasn't going to be there he made it plain how pissed off he was about the tree. My friends left on Boxing day and I immediately took the tree down because I felt so guilty about it and he hadn't even returned.

On many occasions he used Islam as an excuse to abuse me. I used to think what a hypocrite he was. He even told my DM that I needed to alter my ways! Your H's little chat with your parents is pathetic really, a loosely veiled threat to get them to help you bow down to his demands and keep you under control ( he is bluffing, he doesn't want to split up, just wants you to shut up and do as you are told ).

You need to leave, your situation is awful and not loving.

( I only got out of my dreadful situation because my H died )

That's amazing OP - because I am scared of him after reading your posts last night.

And yet you are the one that he grabbed around the throat.

Do you think that maybe he took the tree in order to kick start a situation? He does one thing, you react and he can say 'honest officer, it was self defence - she went bananas when I took the tree down, I am a good religious man, don't you know.'

If I moved his Quran he would be extremely angry as he would know I haven't moved it to read it.

There would also have been other reason to do with how people prepare themselves before they touch a copy of the Quran.

I don't understand what you mean when you say you are not scared of him. Why then, are you putting up with this treatment? Why are you not demanding he out the tree back? Why are you hesitant about spending Christmas with your parents if you want to? Why, if you are not scared of him, are you not putting your foot down and telling him and his new-found 'religion' to jog on?

I think you are scared of him. He has conditioned you to accept his abusive behaviour. OP do you realise that you an equal to him in everything?

I do try to stress to him that I believe in equality but he always starts telling me how men and women are not equal. We have been built differently to do different things. We are not the same.

I try and stand my ground but it's near enough impossible to get him to listen to my view if he thinks he is right in what he is doing.

I'm not scared of him getting physical towards me. I am scared and hate confrontation so I try my best to avoid such situations. He is difficult to argue/ talk to in these situations and we can go round and round in circles because we are both so set in our ways and refuse to back down. Sometimes I do because I cannot be bothered to listen to him go on and on and I just want things resolved quickly. He would happily argue until the early hours of the morning. I just hate confrontation, this is what I try to avoid and this is probably why I am still in this situation.

Also, the reason I was hesitant about spending Christmas with my family is because I know I will get 20 questions thrown my way. He will be extremely unhappy that I won't be at home and that I'm taking our daughter to celebrate a festival he doesn't believe in anymore.

He has told me before he doesn't want her celebrating festivals etc from my religion but is happy for her to partake in those from his. This is just ludicrous to me. We knowingly got married as a multi faith family and that our children will learn about both faiths. However he has now changed the goalposts to accommodate his needs and his interests and not what is best for the whole family.

Random, if you can't get out of this for yourself then get out for your daughter.

That really is the bottom line.

It's clear that he does not see you as an equal. This is an abusive relationship. He is a bully. He hasn't been physically aggressive (yet) but then you have always bowed to his demands. Even that is now not enough for him. He wants you to be more meek. It will only get worse OP.