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Original poster

AIBU to want my christmas tree back?

285 replies

AnotherRandom · 13/12/2014 19:49

I am shaking with rage at the moment. My husband has taken down the Christmas tree. There is a back story which I have to give.

I have always celebrated Christmas even though I'm not a Christian. I love this time of the year, it is my favourite. My family have always done the celebrations so to me it is normal and part of life.

He converted to Islam over a year ago and told me yesterday that either I take the tree down or he will. This is because he said it is a pagan tradition (I know it's origins) and idol worship to have it in the house and it is against his religion.

I explained to him, felt more like justify to him, my choice but he wouldn't agree.

I returned home to find it gone. It's nowhere to be found in the house. I've checked the garage, loft, shed and any place I could think of. I don't know what he's done with it. I am so upset :(

Aibu to want to have the tree up? I even tried to compromise and said I would only have it up for a week in December. He said no. My daughter was confused and asked where the tree has gone :( she helped me decorate it this year too and it's all gone. What a shit day.

OP posts:
MehsMum · 13/12/2014 22:21

What a charmer he sounds. OP, I second the suggestion upthread to go to your own family for Christmas, and perhaps for a week or two if that's possible.

He might have 'tried to change' and stopped using physical force, but he's now controlling you in other ways. That's not how loving adult relationships work.

You deserve better: you've said that you know you do.

Original poster
AnotherRandom · 13/12/2014 22:21

I'd love to spend Christmas at my parents!! They would love to have me home. But I don't think he would allow it. He definitely wouldn't let me take my daughter and have us both stay away. Especially seeing as it is for Christmas. I can't see it happening. He would question why I'm going and why it's necessary.

OP posts:
Windywenceslas · 13/12/2014 22:24

Do you want your DD growing up under a strict interpretation of Islam?

He won't let you go to your family with DD? I'm sorry sweetheart but you need to run for the hills.

Do you work, do you have financial independence? Do you rent/own your property? Whose name is it in.

I really think you need to leave or make a plan to leave, but be very careful he doesn't find out, or you'll find his physical aggression may well make an appearance.

RedButtonhole · 13/12/2014 22:26

He sounds like a dangerous, manipulative aggressive arse.

I don't often dive into threads on relationships, but I really think you need to take a step back and look at what's going on here and how it will affect you and your daughter in the years to come, should you stay. Do you want your daughter to grow up having his views forced on her, and have her missing out on things you want to enjoy together because of what he has chosen to believe in?

Taking away the Christmas tree is bloody awful, it may seem petty, but it's him displaying that it's his way or no way, to the detrement of you and your daughter.

Windywenceslas · 13/12/2014 22:26

Also, go anyway, you don't need his permission. He goes to prayer plenty so can you just pack and go?

PigeonPie · 13/12/2014 22:27

Why should you stay with him for Christmas if he's not going to celebrate it? Wouldn't it be better to be with your parents and share a lovely time with your DD?

What's Christmas to him?

Spadequeen · 13/12/2014 22:27

So many red flags. What do you mean he wouldn't allow it? Your problem is so much bigger than a Christmas tree

RedButtonhole · 13/12/2014 22:28

If I was you I'd make arrangements to get yourself and as many of your belongings as possible to your parents' or somewhere else thay you feel safe as soon as possible.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 13/12/2014 22:29

Why do you think you can't do things without his permission? What makes you think that is normal or ok?

Gawjushun · 13/12/2014 22:30

Oh dear, you so need to get out of there and somewhere safe. For now, he's stopping your DD celebrating xmas, but in a few years he could be insisting she wear a headscarf and follow Islam strictly. I could see this causing a lot of power struggles in the future.

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/12/2014 22:35

Ok, i think you need to get the fuck out of there the first chance you get.

And of course with your daughter. The man sounds like a sociopath.

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/12/2014 22:37

And dont tell him before you go or where you are going!

artex · 13/12/2014 22:38

"He wouldn't allow it". Allow?? Problem.

You know what the issue is here & you know what you probably need to do. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

thewomaninwhite · 13/12/2014 22:40

I have to agree with all the others OP. This is much more than just a Christmas tree. I hope that you can get to your parents with your daughter and take some time to think.

MrsCurrent · 13/12/2014 22:43

This is the first time I've commented on a relationship issue so forgive me if I'm not following the right process. My opinion, as I'm on mn and you asked, is feck all to do with religion, it's to do with the misery of you and your child. Do you know what's shit? Growing up in a house where dad and his moods are in charge, what's more shit is knowing that mum has covered up (literally the holes in walls/doors) cos of it. There are women's charities that can help you (someone will point you to them I'm sure) but you can leave, you can be happy as can your child, they can tell you how to make an escape if you can't just tell him to his face because of his behaviour. Bringing a child into the world takes a shed load of strength, please draw on that and take your dc to a safe and happy place. Sincerely wish I could be of more help.

Ohfourfoxache · 13/12/2014 22:44

Go with your dd to your parents and don't go back Sad

Please. This is not normal - at all.

He is controlling, nasty and abusive, and he is using what is essentially a peaceful and tolerant religion to justify his agenda.

You need to protect your dd. Otherwise she will grow up thinking that it is normal to be treated like shit in a relationship.

Nativity3 · 13/12/2014 22:49

Agree. Take your dd to your parents house and never to back.

He sounds absolutely awful.

None if this is your fault, please don't ever blame yourself for him being the way he is.

HamPortCourt · 13/12/2014 22:51

OK OP. Does he work? Can you act "normal" and then get the fuck out of there as soon as he goes to work?

Would he follow you to your parents?

He sounds dangerous to me, sorry. The fact you are saying things like "he wouldn't allow it" is ringing real alarm bells. You are an independent person and you can go wherever you like whenever you like. He is not your master, he is a cruel bully.

Please get out of this situation.

Original poster
AnotherRandom · 13/12/2014 22:52

Thanks for all the support. Seriously sometimes I end up thinking I'm blowing things out of proportion or I end up minimising what's actually going on.

I gave up my job to look after our daughter. I got post natal depression which was left untreated because he told me I don't need medication. He told me I will be able to overcome it if I ask god to help and if I try to help myself by being happy Hmm

Two yrs later I'm struggling still and have decided to take the medication to treat my depression. He still doesn't really support me at all. I do near enough everything with regards to household chores and child care.

I have been doing some supply work recently but that is it. No full time job, all financial independence down the drain. The house is jointly owned between us. He pays most of the bills since I gave up my job.

I think I will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my parents this year. I will have to tell him, I can't just do it because he will need to know where both my daughter and I are. I would want to know too if he was planning to stay away with her. I will see what he makes of my plan.

OP posts:
CrimboHornedSnowflake · 13/12/2014 22:52

Plan your escape now and leave when he's at the mosque.

HamPortCourt · 13/12/2014 22:55

random please don't tell him before you go, you have already said he will not let you.

You can tell him once you get there safely.

Original poster
AnotherRandom · 13/12/2014 23:00

Oh it's all such a big pile of steaming shit!

I'm going to have to think about what I'm going to do.

I only told my parents recently (last week) how crap everything is and I have their support in any decision I make. My mum was saddened to hear I'm depressed because of all this.

It's all so overwhelming :( I'm really tired too so sorry if I don't reply until the morning. I really do appreciate all of your comments.

Massive thanks to all x

OP posts:
Nerf · 13/12/2014 23:00

What happened last year? You say he converted over a year ago, so did he ban Christmas trees then?

Inertia · 13/12/2014 23:01

You don't have to have his permission. He may tell you that you need his permission but you don't.

If he threatens you, you can call the police.

His religious beliefs don't control your life.

Original poster
AnotherRandom · 13/12/2014 23:02

No last year he didn't say anything. There was no problem. He didn't buy me a present which I understood but he still sat and watched our daughter open the presents I bought her and I cooked Christmas dinner which he ate.

OP posts:
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