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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to want my christmas tree back?

285 replies

AnotherRandom · 13/12/2014 19:49

I am shaking with rage at the moment. My husband has taken down the Christmas tree. There is a back story which I have to give.

I have always celebrated Christmas even though I'm not a Christian. I love this time of the year, it is my favourite. My family have always done the celebrations so to me it is normal and part of life.

He converted to Islam over a year ago and told me yesterday that either I take the tree down or he will. This is because he said it is a pagan tradition (I know it's origins) and idol worship to have it in the house and it is against his religion.

I explained to him, felt more like justify to him, my choice but he wouldn't agree.

I returned home to find it gone. It's nowhere to be found in the house. I've checked the garage, loft, shed and any place I could think of. I don't know what he's done with it. I am so upset :(

Aibu to want to have the tree up? I even tried to compromise and said I would only have it up for a week in December. He said no. My daughter was confused and asked where the tree has gone :( she helped me decorate it this year too and it's all gone. What a shit day.

OP posts:
MinceSpy · 13/12/2014 23:03

OP scoop up your daughter and run, don't look back. You need to get both of you out of this abusive situation.

Inertia · 13/12/2014 23:06

In your shoes, I would make an appointment with the GP to rearrange medication and have a note made about the violence - I guess you didn't report to police?

You are really really not over- reacting.

Santaslittleblowupdoll · 13/12/2014 23:07

op get out of this relationship. He is a ticking time bomb. Why would you want your dd to grow up around this man? How would you feel if he went in to grab her by the throat or twisted her up..or is that only reserved for you??

I do t think this has anything to do with Islam , I think it's about his serious issues with control and dominance.

Just go to your parents and ring when you get there a discussion won't go down well and you need to protect dd needs first rather than his.

Cherrychocolate · 13/12/2014 23:07

Your situation sounds awful op. You need to put yourself and your Daughter first. This is about so much more than a Christmas tree. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Make a change, please.

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/12/2014 23:19

What would you say if it was a friend that was saying all this?

Oh, by the way - you are minimising this. He has tried twice before to strangle you. You think telling him before you go that you are going is a good idea when he has these rages he struggles to control?

You dont work so you may as well get out and get some maintenance from him. Im sure your parents wont want you under threat of violence just because you think he deserves to know where you are.

Original poster
AnotherRandom · 13/12/2014 23:20

I've never contacted the police because I didn't think it was serious enough to do so. I have mentioned it to my GP who has put it on my record.

I have previously rang women's aid for advice when I was really low and they have my record on file too.

He's never left any bruising on me so I don't have any evidence. There's evidence around the house from where he has punched a door, and also chipped the wood from the door frame after slamming the door repeatedly out of frustration.

I also have a picture from when he threw my hairbrush at me after breaking it in half on the ironing board during an argument and launching it at my face. I had to duck. I told him in shock it nearly hit me, to which he replied he was aiming for my face. This was about 1 and a half years ago now.

Nothing has happened in a while now. Well one thing did but it was an accident I think. We were arguing in bed and I didn't want to continue so stopped talking. He hates when I do this. So he slammed his fist repeatedly on the mattress and caught my bottom/thigh whilst doing so and it killed. I did get a bruise but it didn't show up on the picture I took. He did apologise immediately and said he didn't mean to get me, he was only meant to hit the mattress. I did believe him. He did seem mortified. Omg reading it back doesn't sound right at all.

He has also pulled the duvet covers from me during an argument, proceeded to pick the mattress up and roll me off the bed. All because I refuse to engage in hours of arguing.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 13/12/2014 23:26

Get out of there!

ArthurSHappeyChristmas · 13/12/2014 23:26

He sounds awful OP. Please go to your parents for Xmas and stay there. You are better off without this man,

Original poster
AnotherRandom · 13/12/2014 23:26

If my best friend told me this was her life, I would tell her to get him out of her life. This is no way to live. This man is suffocating you and taking away your right to a happy life. He may say he loves you but his actions don't prove his words. Life is too short to be unhappy. This is not the kind of man you would want for your daughter so why are you putting up with it?

:(

OP posts:
Hissy · 13/12/2014 23:45

be your own best friend lovely!

you can do this.

you and your dd are in grave dangern don't forget this, please get out of there

ouryve · 13/12/2014 23:45

You know Random it's easy to look at the tree scenario, roll eyes and think "what a pillock" but reading on, it's as clear as day that you need to get away from this guy before he decides to tie you up in his next big controlling thing.

But not only does he not understand your feelings, he doesn't give a shit. If he thinks you are going to better him (because he's not managed to chase all the spark out of you quite yet) then he gets physical or extremely domineering.

I don't think you should be going back into any bed with him. Ever. I could neither have sex nor sleep in cosy but chaste togetherness with a man who used violence against me or dictated that I wasn't allowed to leave the house on certain days.

ouryve · 13/12/2014 23:46

And don't give him the choice where you spend Christmas. Or the rest of your life.

ouryve · 13/12/2014 23:49

MrsCurrent - only commenting because you seemed so unsure of yourself, but what you said is spot on. Flowers

prettywhiteguitar · 13/12/2014 23:54

You can can make your own choices, give yourself the freedom to do that. This is your life not his.

I really feel for you, take your dd to your mums and allow yourself to make some decisions for yourself without his influence.

I would be devastated if my partner behaved like yours

Ohfourfoxache · 13/12/2014 23:54

Please don't tell him before you go - it isn't safe.

Pack up what you need in the morning and get you and your dd out of there as fast as you can.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 13/12/2014 23:55

Get out ASAP.

I don't say this to make you feel guilty or bad, but your dd with grow up thinking this is normal way a women is treated.

Many women who are abused stay with there 'd'p because of the DC and starting again.

It's in your dd best interest to leave, hopefully you will meet someone new who gives you the love and respect you deserve.

KlepTheHallsWithBoughsOfTronic · 14/12/2014 01:05

Make plans and don't let on to him what you are doing.

Get the important documents and things together without him knowing.

Have an escape bag hidden somewhere (cash for taxi, stuff for your daughter, passports, birth certs, bank books, marriage cert etc, new cheap charged mobile with credit on it, taxi and friends/parents numbers on it) in case you need to leave suddenly.

Pick your time and get away, clean away, when he is out.

This man is dangerous. Get away from him. Don't look back. Get free. Keep safe.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 14/12/2014 06:33

He's a dangerous man. He's controlling, violent and entitled. The most dangerous time with a man like this is when you are leaving him. Do not tell him your plans in advance, you can tell him after you have left where you are if you must.
The bed punching almost doesn't matter that he didn't mean to hit you - fact is he hurt you in a rage and that shows what he is capable of. DV risk assessments place strangling at the very top of the dangerous behaviour pile by the way - it's only a step away from killing you.

SunnaClausIsComingToTown · 14/12/2014 06:47

Please take your DC and leave today. This is a very dangerous man.

FolkGirl · 14/12/2014 06:52

I'm afraid I agree with the others. I suspect that his decision to convert to Islam had less to do with feeling "closer to God" and more to do with him buying into the belief that it would enable him to control you more. He certainly seems to be using for that, doesn't he?

You are caught up in this at the moment and it's difficult to see the wood for the trees, but you don't need his permission to go to your parents for Christmas (or anything else, actually). Follow the fab advice upthread and get out. But do not tell him in advance!

I will have to tell him, I can't just do it because he will need to know where both my daughter and I are.

Actually, no. You don't have to tell him and he doesn't need to know where you and your daughter are. Certainly not before you go. And then if he turns up and causes a fuss while you're there, you call the police.

Get your stuff together, wait until he is at work/Mosque and then just go.

LostandConfused33 · 14/12/2014 07:04

I see the thread has moved on a lot from your first post but just to reiterate, the Christmas tree thing is a complete red herring. One of the biblical commandments is not to worship or display idols but almost every church I know puts up a Christmas tree. They may be pagan in original but they are merely decorative, they are not an idol and no-one worships them!
I don't tend to post in relationships but he sounds extremely unpleasant and controlling - if your parents will support you I think you and your child would be better off with them

Isetan · 14/12/2014 07:25

He's esculating and like a frog who's been sitting in a pan of waster whose temperature has been gradually rising, you can't feel it.

This is who he is and his bizzare controlling behaviour is his responsibility. However, you are responsible for how much you and your daughter are exposed to.

The only thing you are achieving by staying with this bully is modelling a shitty relationship for your daughter.

Hurr1cane · 14/12/2014 07:30

I'm sorry it's not about religion at all.

I am buddhist and I do not agree with eating meat or doing anything that harms others.

DS and DP eat meat, in my house.

What I believe has nob all to do with them and vice versa.

If you're going to live in a multi-religion family there has to be a mutual respect for everyone's beliefs or it just won't work.

tippytap · 14/12/2014 07:36

Oh my god. I know it's hard to hear, but you need to leave this man. Now.

You don't need his permission. You don't need to tell him. This is his conditioning working in you.

Grab some essentials and just go.

If doing this for you doesnt seem like a good enough reason (and it is!) Think of your dd and what her life will be like if you stay.

43percentburnt · 14/12/2014 08:10

Op you need to leave, it's going to be hard and you will wobble but he is using everything he can to control you.

He is using religion as you would be the unreasonable one if you don't allow him his faith.

You cannot see it as you are in the middle of it.

If you feel that you can leave, Call 101 and tell them that you are leaving a husband who has been violent previously. Tell them about all the incidents, your photos will have dates on them too. I suggest you go when he is at prayer. Then any abusive texts, emails, phone calls etc report to the police.

The bed incident, he meant to hit you, he wanted you to think it was an accident, then you are the unreasonable one if you shout at him. 'It was only an accident, don't be so melodramatic, you always over react, i didn't hit you hard anyway, you're so feeble, don't be pathetic, if I really meant to hit you you would know about it' - anything sound familiar?

Report, you may need it. Your dd certainly does not need this 'life'.