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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to want my christmas tree back?

285 replies

AnotherRandom · 13/12/2014 19:49

I am shaking with rage at the moment. My husband has taken down the Christmas tree. There is a back story which I have to give.

I have always celebrated Christmas even though I'm not a Christian. I love this time of the year, it is my favourite. My family have always done the celebrations so to me it is normal and part of life.

He converted to Islam over a year ago and told me yesterday that either I take the tree down or he will. This is because he said it is a pagan tradition (I know it's origins) and idol worship to have it in the house and it is against his religion.

I explained to him, felt more like justify to him, my choice but he wouldn't agree.

I returned home to find it gone. It's nowhere to be found in the house. I've checked the garage, loft, shed and any place I could think of. I don't know what he's done with it. I am so upset :(

Aibu to want to have the tree up? I even tried to compromise and said I would only have it up for a week in December. He said no. My daughter was confused and asked where the tree has gone :( she helped me decorate it this year too and it's all gone. What a shit day.

OP posts:
davejudgement · 14/12/2014 10:42

Stop trying to keep the peace, he doesn't

PrimalLass · 14/12/2014 10:45

I cannot believe he went to your parents. Never mind spending Christmas with them, how can you contemplate staying with this 'man'? Just leave - you don't have to ask his permission or answer any questions.

Windywenceslas · 14/12/2014 10:46

He tells you you're not equal then you wonder why he's not prepared to accommodate your beliefs and wishes. It's because they don't matter to him, you're not as important as him. Except you are, please please see him for what he is.

If you don't, good luck trying to stop him sticking a headscarf on your daughter when the time comes.

Vivacia · 14/12/2014 10:47

I do try to stress to him that I believe in equality but he always starts telling me how men and women are not equal. We have been built differently to do different things. We are not the same.

I have recently had this discussion with a muslim friend. I thought they had misinterpreted Islam, but it's fairly clear. Men and women are equal but different. Women are created by god to be better at childrearing, housework and following and therefore that is their role. Men are created by god to be better at providing and leading, and therefore they are in charge. It is this way because god says so. There is no arguing with this because otherwise you'd be arguing with god and that's the end of that.

Vivacia · 14/12/2014 10:49

And now I'm angry with myself for nitpicking about religion when the only thing I should be saying is THIS MAN THROTTLED YOU. TAKE YOUR CHILD AND FUCKING RUN.

Original poster
AnotherRandom · 14/12/2014 10:50

What also worries me is if we do part ways, when she is with him, I won't know what happens or what he will say to her. He will just enforce his beliefs on her when I'm not around. Well, he will try and do that anyway whether I'm around or not Angry

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 14/12/2014 10:50

What a coincidence that he chose a religion that makes you the one that comes off worse. Strange that.

Original poster
AnotherRandom · 14/12/2014 10:51

I'm going to meet with my sister later and will probably go have a chat with my parents, they literally live 5 minutes away.

OP posts:
davejudgement · 14/12/2014 10:51

OP's H has converted to Islam yet converted Islam to suit his own needs.

FolkGirl · 14/12/2014 10:53

Well he's right. Men and women are built differently. Being equal doesn't mean 'the same'. It means differences aren't an impediment and no one is better than anyone else.

So he's thick on top of everything else. You can't possibly respect a single utterance he makes.

HamPortCourt · 14/12/2014 10:57

OP why do you keep saying you won't be able to cope financially on your own?

You won't have to. How do you think the rest of us manage? We get part time jobs/maintenance/tax credits/half the assets/whatever it takes to ensure we can live happily.

I agree with Vivacia and other posters that a lot of what you post is resonating with me as dangerous. I also lost a friend who was murdered by their partner, in my case it was a male friend but it was clear the situation was abusive and escalating. He kept coming up with excuses, like how he needed the car, or finishing with her and taking her back again.

She stabbed him to death in broad daylight in front of loads of witnesses.

Why do you care that he will be "extremely unhappy" aren't you extremely unhappy? Don't you count? Doesn't DD count? Why are you puttig his needs and feelings above your own and DDs?

If you go he can be as unhappy as he likes from afar can't he? You do realise you never actually have to see this tosser again if you don't want to?

I do know this is hard but you are ringing so many alarm bells and you don't seem to see that you hold all the cards here. You can leave. You can have a happy fulfilled life without him. Thanks

CogitOIOIO · 14/12/2014 11:08

Just adding my voice to those expressing concern that you're in what is clearly an abusive relationship. The early violence is appalling and has left you scared of confrontation. That things went downhill after the birth of your child is typical of abusive men. His alleged religious conversion seems nothing more than a fancy way to exert yet more unreasonable control. I'm glad you have a supportive family and that you've made contact with a GP and Women's Aid in the past.

Please make every effort to get the help you need to leave this man and make a happier life for yourself and your DD. You both deserve better.

gymboywalton · 14/12/2014 11:19

random-what is good about you relationship? i find it really helpful to think about this.
in any marriage/long term relationship, the good should always outweigh the bad.

so although my dh ihas his bad points, he is also exceptionally kind and loving and generous and a great father and a grat husband. It's a no brainer-the good outweighs the bad a million times over.

what is the balance like in your relationship?

it sounds to me like there is no good..if that's true then what is the point?

Inertia · 14/12/2014 11:32

There is no point in attempting to reason with him. In his eyes you are not a person, you are a chattel. He is using threats and violence to control and punish you- the RSPCA would prosecute anyone who treated a dog the way he has treated you.

As Vivacia said- bottom line is that he throttled you. There is no way back.

If you report it to the police there's a good chance that he will only have supervised access to your child. But you have to take action. This is real, he's a dangerous man.

ConferencePear · 14/12/2014 11:35

He is the one who in your words 'changed the goalposts'. The relationship you are now in is not the one you agreed to. You need to get your daughter out of there as soon as possible.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 14/12/2014 11:43

men and women are not equal.

When someone tells you who they are - listen.

You keep posting as if you think he will start being reasonable if you just explain properly. This will not happen.

KittiesInsane · 14/12/2014 11:54

You don't have to persuade him of your views, you know.

You just need to stop pretending that you want to be in this marriage.

Cleorapter · 14/12/2014 11:56

I know how difficult it is to see clearly when you have lived with someone so abusive for so long, it's hard, I know.

He doesnt believe that women and men are equal. You have a daughter together. How soon until he starts mistreating her because of this 'belief'?

In fact, he's taken the magical Christmas tree away from her already, she's still so very young and must be so very confused Sad

Please, please, for the sake of your daughter, leave this man. There is so much help out there, it sounds as if you have a good support system with your family, the financial stuff will sort itself out, it will. Please leave him, If not for yourself, but for your daughter.

Fingeronthebutton · 14/12/2014 12:25

Your not going to leave him, are you? You are putting this pig before your Daughter. You have a choice, she doesn't, and never will have.
She will be you in years to come. And as someone said: you were allowed to choose your Husband. Try to imagine what she could end up with.

ElfriqueTheSantaHelpingLizard · 14/12/2014 12:34

AnotherRandom
It's rare to read a thread that's so upsetting and alarming at the same time.

You are massively minimizing this man's behaviour.
This is no marriage.

With the support of your family, your doctor and other agencies I would urge you to remove yourself and your daughter from this situation now.

The Christmas Tree argument is one small event in a long catalogue of issues that would have lead most people to leave a long time ago. He will not change. He will only get worse.
Please listen to the advice you've been given on this thread. IMO to stay with him is much more daunting than to make a new future without him.

CogitOIOIO · 14/12/2014 12:41

In examples of long term serious abuse, it's remarkable how often something relatively trivial - a Christmas tree in this case - tips the balance from enduring more mistreatment to seeking help.

OP you've had chances to get away before and this is another opportunity. Hope you take it.

Original poster
AnotherRandom · 14/12/2014 12:43

He's just got home and asked me how long I'm going to keep this up for. (I'm not speaking to him currently)

I'm also making sandwiches for my daughter and I. He asked me to make him one. I didnt say anything so he said I'm taking that as a no.

Why the hell do I feel really bad for not making it? I hate being like this. I want to just get along.

To those of you who are telling me I'm putting him before her. I really am not, only when someone feels ready to take the next step can they do so. I cannot just leave tonight. I need to plan the best way out.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherRandom · 14/12/2014 12:45

And I really do appreciate the time you've all taken to help me see my situation. I know it's bad and I know I have to do something about it.

OP posts:
CariadsDarling · 14/12/2014 12:50

Sometimes no planning is required, you just have to go.

Would your parents have you and your wee girl.

CariadsDarling · 14/12/2014 12:51

Womens Aid?