Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

As an aside... ex p has already been dumped by OW. It gave me a brief cheer. It doesn't take away the hurt. I suspect there will be some to-ing and fro- ing between them. No winners.

Frog, I would have raised a smile to that news as well, I know your still hurting and hope you have a much better year ahead and a zebra

Well that didn't last very long frog, did it! All that pain and upheaval for nothing, I must admit I can't wait for my ex to fall on his arse in the same way, let's hope so. At least they are out of our lives, but I understand what you mean by no winners. :(

hobbit - i could have written some of your posts - DH only took what he wanted - current clothes & furniture that wasn't "crap" - all the time spouting that it was for the kids but really for OW when she stays with him - left behind 20 years of rubbish for me to sort through. what makes me laugh though everything he has bought is very similar to things that are here and that i have bought. Its like hes created a mini version of what we have here - so pathetic. Also been taking her to all the places we went to as family or together - shes obviously thinking she got the cream as a big step up from her old life.

I so get you on the "front" - that is my DH too - well respected in his profession but he is a fake and i know that - he let it all spill during one of his "depressive" bursts- that was all guilt too - guilt and shame as to what hed done especially as he saw the suffering his mum went through with his dad.

I too want this all to end - I cant move on - he is still controlling the finances and cant get that I supported him for 20 years by being at home looking after the kids whilst he built up the business. That is what makes me angry too his choice but wont deal with the responsibility but thinks he is -everything is on his terms- WEAK MEN!

he is blocking, ignoring, refusing at every stage of this - probably hoping that i'll give up - it is actually the anger that is keeping me going. Once he has dealt with his responsibility I will quite gladly let go!

He couldn't take anything green beret, as her house is tiny anyway, but still has clothes, CDs, books etc, I will ask him soon if he is going to take anything else and if not , give it all to the charity shop. At least some good will come out of a bad situation.

He is supposed to be staying at a friends house but his car is parked behind her house every night, this is a small village and he is fooling no one! What a dickhead.

Oh.... Feel crap today, eldest son is away with his girlfriend, I have picked up a nasty virus, youngest son will be asleep by nine thirty as he doesn't do late nights, happy fucking new year ! I hate new year anyway, and this has got to rank among the worst of my life, will have a bath and a pity party for one. Can't go out with mates as I don't feel well, think I will just sleep through it.
On a better note, thank you so much for all the advice and support shown to me on mumsnet, whether you are going through divorce yourself or have known someone who has, it has been invaluable to me since my husband left and I felt so grateful to be able to vent, rant or weep and know I won't be judged as weak or foolish. Onwards and upwards in 2015 and good riddance to mr Lycracock and his scheming bitch of a girlfriend . :)

I'm with you Hobbit, seem to have picked up a virus and no chance of doing anything tonight with my 4yo ds to look after, NYE is always s bit of an anticlimax anyway.
I'll be happy to say goodbye to 2014 and look forward to a brighter future ahead.
I sincerely hope you have a much better year ahead.

'New Year all. Next year's will be happy even if this year's is a tad dispiriting.

is my resolution!

Hi just want, seems like you had a similar new year to me, just want to send love and support to you. Is your son on the asd spectrum, wasn't sure if that was you. My youngest son has Aspergers, and went to bed at 9 as he gets up,at 6 without fail. Does your partner still see your son?

Hi WWK, did you go out? Hope you are ok, gutted I won't be seeing you, but will soon, no more WOO, that sounds a good strategy, just got to follow your advice and KOKO.

Hi Hobbit, yes my ds is on the spectrum, he is severe and non verbal, he can only stay with my dm and she has him maybe once a month at hers to give me a full nights sleep. Still, it's easier parenting alone than with my useless ex.
Thank God we can now say goodbye to 2014, this year things can only get better x

And no, the ex no longer sees him, he has a new baby on the way with the ow. It's his loss, although it's very challenging being a single parent to my ds I really wouldn't have it any other way, he's my little angel (I know I'm bias but he really does look like the cherubs you see in those religious paintings).

That certainly is his loss, and shows what kind of person he is, that he could just walk away from his son, selfish and uncaring. Thankfully , you are a fantastic mum , and I know from personal experience how challenging it can be, my son was on the more severe end of the spectrum when little, but has improved so much. We will have a much better 2015 I'm sure without these pitiful excuses for 'men' in our lives.

just want to add "Better New Year All" too -

think I may be joining you ladies on here for support- we all seem at a similar stage and some of you have already been supporting me on & off (well) so thank you.

I went out for a short time with kids -mainly for them as this is what we have always done on NYE but it was hard! At least the place was pretty quiet so didnt feel that everyone else was having a good time!

Woke up this morning feeling as though I am struggling again & have sent DH a nice email saying I am fed up of being his "backup" & if there was anyway I could officially make a complaint against him for EA I would.

something has dawned on me though - he keeps telling me I should move on like him - but I have been finding it hard to "let go" especially as I am so reliant on him financially and his behaviour makes me angry. But something just clicked this morning and I am thinking is this a case of he doesn't want me but actually doesn't want anyone else to have me either. So the more he messes with me and the more I am struggling the less likely I am going to be ready to move on - so again another way of "controlling me". He knows the kids do not want anything to do with OW but they could be involved with anybody I meet if I handle it well - can any of you see if this makes sense?

It's really encouraging to hear your son has improved, tbh my own ds has made small improvements since the split, I really think it helps that it's just me doing the parenting. The ex's idea of looking after him was to give him the iPad, seriously that was it!
This time next year I am totally convinced we will be a much better place.

Hi I have just read your thread and had to post because sooo much of what is being written has bought back memories of my XH

I am exactly five years down the line from him leaving hooking up with an OW on his way out the door. We had been together 17 years with two DC

The first couple of months were awful mostly because I was terrified of what the future held as I was a SAHM and knew I would have to get out there and build a life and also I had no idea how my DC would cope. However I was so determined that having given him so many years where he treated me badly that I didn't want to waste any more time and emotion on him.

To that end I read every divorce book going, undertook psychotherapy , leant on every friend and took every bit of support going. i should add my recovery was assisted by the certain knowledge from day one that our split was for the best and needed to happen. Even with all that it took months before the sheer physical side of heartbreak went away never mind the mental side.

I completely agree with those that have said the only real healer is time and unfortunately there are no short cuts through this. I think it's better to just go with it and allow yourself to grieve without any pressure to be ok with it. When I discovered MN it was such a relief to mix with people who understood just how all encompassing how truly devastating the end of a marriage , even a bad one, can be.

One thing you will be spared OP which I found hardest of all is your DC going to them every other weekend and becoming involved in a whole life you know nothing about. I took the route of maintaining XHs image and dignity in my DCs eyes and that was horrendous at times but for the best.

This time of year is full of memories , bad ones, as its when we were going through our split and five years on some linger.

Its a bit early to be giving this advice but please make sure you fight for exactly what you are legally entitled to no more but no less. Remember he can say whatever he likes about what he will or won't do financially but he may as well tell it to the mountain because the law will protect you. I saw a solicitor early on just to get the lay of the land and so when my XH started blustering about this and that I just thought " whatever" . Be warned that's when you really get a shock how you rank in their lives and it's incredibly hurtful but that's the time you need to stand tough. Unfortunately it's very cruel timing that when you are so vulnerable you have to be strong.

Anyway I'm rambling a bit now but know you will be happy again and that the pain and rage does subside. If your like me you come out the other end a better and happier person. I had no choice but to stand on my own two feet and it's been the making of me even if in other material respects my life is harder. I've clawed my way back into work , can unblock a toilet and loads of other stuff !

Hi,'green' my stbxh and yours sound like they are completely cut from the same cloth! Mine said I needed to move on 2 weeks after he had left! After 28 years together he had totally detached himself from me so he could justify to himself that what he was doing was fine , and we would all be ok with it once we 'understood' him. How you only get one life, and he had found the second great love of his life, ( he actually said that to my son, how disrespectful is that!) . I do actually believe that she has deliberately targeted him, flattering him, saying she likes all the things he does, stroking his ego etc, because she knew he was married and she knew he was married to me, and she had every chance to stop it, but didn't. I know he is the one most at fault here, but if she had not encouraged him at every turn, I really believe we could have repaired our relationship.
He has admitted that if he had not met her, we would not be getting divorced. But it is too late now, all bridges have been burnt and there is definitely no way back.
I am taking time over the financial aspect coming into, because you are right, it is difficult to deal with the stress of it when you are not feeling strong in yourself, he decided when to leave, I will decide when I am ready to go to mediation. Thank you everyone.

Hello, followed you from the NYE thread. Think I will join this too. Just marking my place for now

hobbit i think Dh was targeted to - someone he came into contact with in his industry - his mum died unexpectedly which left him empty - she needed a new job - flattered his ego by seeking his advice and he ended up employing her and is now with her. lots of people have said it possibly wouldn't have happened without his mum dying. I came across a phrase the other day called "love bombing" where the person doing the targeting does exactly what you have described too - she has all the same interests as him, likes the same drink, music etc which is a bit odd seeing as she is 10 years younger -and she flirts with all his work acquaintances on twitter too -only the men though! it is so obvious but he doesnt see it. she even had the tweet he sent out after his mum died saved in her favourites - they werent together at this point but struck me as weird and probably her hook in. No idea whether it will last but kids want nothing to do with her so that will be when the tension kicks in - he thinks they will change their mind but theres not much chance of that from he conversations ive had with them

Greenberet my young adult sons will have nothing to do with OW either, because of the way she behaved. The youngest will never have anything to do with her, and we know he won't change his mind about that. He barely speaks to H now anyway. The older one says he will be civil to her if he has to but doesn't want any relationship with her. When you think about it, there are huge implications for the future if that relationship actually lasts. Which, without bothering to explain, is unlikely to survive.

izzieshe has kids too- which is even sadder - they both seem to have sacrificed their families for their own "happiness" - i have no idea whether it will last - kids are already feeling second best - even though he swears they are his main priority - they are not quite old enough yet to be able to fully stand up for themselves but that will come in the next year or so. I am having to get my son help - his behaviour can be extremely challenging and he is showing signs of being severly distressed by it all - not great timing for teens - they have enough adjustments to make. so many things still up in the air for us - and i cannot beleive he actually sent my DD a happy new year text just gone midnight whilst celebrating with her! words fail me sometimes!

Greenberet, below is one of my posts on the NYE thread:

"My H left me for a primary school teacher who has had recurring mental health issues. A few days before we were going on holiday she made a malicious allegation to social services. She said I strangled my teenage son as inappropriate chastisement. I also work in a school, the same one my son went to. So I had to attend social services, my son was interviewed separately. The most humiliating moment of my life sitting there waiting to be seen. So the allegation was anonymous, made by a woman, very specific in the alleged injury. Strange that, very unusually for me, I had lost it with my husband maybe a few weeks before that and grabbed him and left a bloody big gash on his neck.and No I have ever even even smacked my children. And when he spoke to her about the social services allegation, just told her as is his way, she stayed silent. And he said to me much later, he thought to himself "hmm I wonder if it was you". And he conveniently has forgotten that conversation. No wonder that particular son wants nothing to do with him. That was the worst of her strikes against the family, there were plenty more."

My son and others see that he has chosen her over his own son. Irreparable damage here.

I'm so sorry that your son is so distressed by things. And as for the text sent by H, it's just rubbing salt, isn't it?

What amazes me is that they cause all this devastation then expect everyone to be civilised. I've been criticised for sending him unpleasant texts. Unpleasant tone absolutely. But the views and realities expressed totally true. They should be grateful they don't have their balls ripped off. That's if they actually have any, of course!

Greenberet I forgot to say that my H OW has adult kids a bit older than mine. They seem to have been quite accepting of their mother shagging a married man. However, it will be interesting as they realise they will never meet his sons because their mother doesn't exist in their eyes

Hi Izzie and greenberet, my sons aged 23 and 19 will definitely have nothing to do with ow either. She also has a 17 year old son. My ex also texted both my sons to wish them happy new year while out with her, needless to say they didn't get a reply. They also didn't contact him at all over Christmas . He said 'my kids are my first priority' , well obviously not, he is. He thinks it will all be forgotten, and he will just replace me with her. This weeks news is next weeks fish and chip paper he said ! Not to me and my sons it isn't !
My youngest son has Aspergers, and doesn't really understand the emotional impact it has had on me, he just knows I am very unhappy, and that makes him angry with his dad. She is also a social worker! She is supposed to help families in crisis, not put them into one. So pissed off with her, I don't know how she can look at herself in the mirror, pretending to be a friend and shagging him behind my back.