Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Is there anyone who can come and stay with you? Or anywhere you and the boys can go for a while? After my ex left I found the best thing was being with peope... good, kind people who would hold my hand while I fell apart, or look after the kids when I wanted time to myself, or just give me some company in the evenings. A very good friend came to stay with me for a week when I was at my lowest which was great, and I have also taken my kids off all over the country visiting friends. I find just being with people,.being somewhere different, and making plans really help.

^

Agree with that.

My cousin from America and her sister from Singapore are coming over soon for a family wedding . So I am looking forward to seeing them, they have been so good emailing and facetiming me but it will be good to see them in the flesh, we will have a few good nights out I'm sure. I agree it is good to arrange lots of things to do as it stops you thinking about what your ex and the ow are doing. Lots of friends in the village have asked me to parties and stuff over Christmas , although I know it will be a bit of an ordeal, I just feel a bit like they are just pitying me and watching me. That's sounds a bit paranoid I know, my,head is just so fucked up by this man I hate him so much. Obviously they are just being kind to me, they haven't invited him to anything. I saw him in the village today when I was walking the dog and just blanked him! That made me feel good I must admit.

What H and ow are probably doing is finding out that real life isn't as much fun as an affair especially when everyone thinks you are duplicitous twunts who cannot be trusted. It won't be long before they stop trusting each other.

It is really shit having to go through feeling sad and grieving when you have done nothing to deserve it. But you cannot go round it so you must go through it.

You will survive ORbit even though it does not feel like it at this moment in time.A new chapter is about to open and many opportunities are about to come your way. There will also be lots of hurdles but these will be overcome.You will have the last laugh and will see the day of this toad. There will come at time when whatever he and his new partner does will have no effect on you whatsoever. In the meantime you need to surround yourself with your friends, accept any invitations that come your way, people are not inviting you because they pity you, it is because they enjoy your company, why is that so hard to believe ?. Keep crying it is a great stress release and keep talking, I know you will get through this.

I love the word 'twunt' also 'wankbadger' 'cocklodger' and good old 'fuckwit' he is all of these things and more. Thanks everyone. X

Y'know what, although you might feel humiliated and pitiful, what I learnt is that anyone that is a decent human being will invite you out to lots. No one is laughing at you, they are just showing some sympathy and support - as decent human beings do!

It's also a sign that there are qualities about you that are likeable, nay 'thoroughly brilliant'. The people that are inviting you out are being complimentary, and supportive! They are good people.

Shit people wear lycra and leave marriages abruptly and have affairs with men that lie.

Just because you feel humiliated doesn't other people are laughing at you.

Yes, you'll always get 'tittle-tattlers' but actually, most people will be trying to work out how they can help, not how they can make you feel worse.

'Cos you can't feel any worse as it is!

KOKO

PS He needs a name. But I'm not so imaginative at such things.

I call mine Mr. Snowey Whitey or (STBXH when I'm not being immature!) because it's never his fault....

Mr LycraCock?

PPS: When you first split up, all you see everywhere is couples in love. It's a marvellous defect in our brains just to torture us even more. I used never to have a problem taking myself off for a coffee and be by myself. Once dumped it was like I believed that my going into a public place would cause an Ebola outbreak.

Sending you hugs and support. As WWK said cry as much as you want. It will come in awful painful waves but it has to come and you will get through it.

I also found having a good scream sometimes helps (obviously out of earshot of the children).

My stbxh walked out on me in August after 23 years (and 14 years married). I found out he had an OW in September and he has turned increasing evil against me. He is currently using my children as a weapon to destroy me.

Hobbit, I am 29 months on and sometimes it still hurts. The first Christmas I made my own new traditions which were really helpful.
My ExH also really hated any crafting (I now realise it was because it took attention from him), I took up a new craft crochet which I love and I am filling my home with blankets and cushions all handmade. This fills my time and eradicates him from my home.
My ExH also hated music groups (his parents are very musical) I had previously thought about joining a choir and he had quashed that, I now belong to a choir and love it.
I think you have to take time to find yourself again and learn to love yourself. If you haven't read Elizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love of her similar journey to learn to love herself I would recommend it.

All really good advice from the very wise ladies of MN, I am so glad I found this forum as until you have been through this yourself it is very difficult to understand the pain and heartache and just plain shock you go through.
I never thought he would be the kind of man that would do this to me and the boys, it just shows you can never really know someone even after 28 years. I will go to the parties etc. but don't want to get upset in front of people and I know something will kick me off, just the realisation that it was so different last year or someone not knowing and asking after him.
But I will get better at coping and I know there are lots of people on here and in RL that are going through much worse and having to deal with far more shit than I am, so I feel a bit ridiculous sometimes whingeing over such a cock, a Lycracock, thanks WWK . It was all padding anyway! X

I totally get what you mean WWK, even in the supermarket seeing old couples doing their shopping and thinking we will never do that now is heartbreaking, but maybe I will just not with him! Got to KOKO as the wise old bird WWK says.

Have got a grip on myself and started Christmas preparation in maximum overdrive, I kept telling myself I still had plenty of time left, who am I kidding? Getting tree tommorow with brother and boys will decorate it, luckily shops are open 24 hours so we will not starve or go thirsty. Thank you for all your kind comments and excellent advice. X

Yey! Just take it one day at a time, as you'll have okay moments, and despairing moments. Don't be hard on yourself for having either.

And think of some Christmas traditions/decorations that he didn't like - and buy them. Avoid VooDoo dolls.

Ha ha, I will hang my very own knitted Mr LycraCock voodoo doll on the tree as my evil fairy this year and then burn it as a ritual sacrifice! Thanks WWK , you are an inspiration to me.x

I was a year on when I got to the point of not crying every day. WWK is right in what she says, and you just have to let it come. Howling sobs, howling screams until you've nothing left. It does get better and brighter and two months is nothing. I actually don't think that for the first two months I have any memory, any recollection of anything at all. I just sat there shaking, smoking, staring at the wall. All I did was go for long walks, sometimes for 3 -4 hours because I couldn't sit still.

I admit as I sit here two years on I feel pain in my heart still, but it's hard to ever fully come to terms with such experiences. No one should have to live through them, but we can if we must.

I am actually moved to tears right now, reading on Mumsnet today how many of these "men" behave exactly the same way.

Abruptly leaving marriages without a backward glance, turning evil, trying to blame his spouse, acting like she never even mattered. I can't really say that in spite of the psychobable explanations that I understand any of this behavior. I can't imagine how it would feel good.

I think maybe some people just don't have the same emotions as other people. And I do think evil exists.

I still can't believe what my STBXH did to me, and I am so traumatised from it that I still sometimes have vivid night terrors to the point of being unable to breathe.

We can't choose what happens to us, but you will find courage in this. It's very hard to explain to you but further down the road ou begin to feel at peace with it. You do stop missing them.

I have my third counselling session tommorow , and this time I will try not to cry my way through the whole thing! I think I nearly used up a whole box of tissues, maybe I just need to shut up and let her tell me what I need to do to get over his betrayal.that is what I'm struggling with, how he could look me in the eye and lie and cheat and see how it was destroying me, not eating or sleeping, and still carry on pursuing her and showing total disregard for my feelings. I really didn't deserve that, why be such a coward, he could have ended it and left me some dignity, but has chosen to humiliate me instead. I have such anger inside me I want to knock both of them out ... But know I can't do that ....

I feel for you too. I understand these feelings, I am feeling them now. I'm struggling to find ways to move on and feel very clumsy. I've not had any contact with my exDP since 1.5 months ago. It's a rollercoaster. Some days I'm ok and some days I feel very weak and powerless and as innserstrength100 said, like I've returned from battle with wounds. It really does feel horrible, the man you trusted with your soul for all of those years. The man you thought would never hurt you. But we realise, quite gravely that we have ourselves, and that's what we need to cherish and nurture, even when we don't feel like it and are racked with what ifs and grief. Sometimes I feel so much anger towards him, other times love and a lot of pain because I miss him. It really is very painful.

Keep strong xx

Cry!

Please, please, please, just cry!

I so will beat you up if you don't. By way of VooDoo obvs!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you're feeling. Of course, you're confused, hurt, bewildered, angry, shocked, scared and, utterly and totally discombobulated.

If the fucker had died, would you not cry? When he exited stage right, he died for you. So just bloody well cry. You don't need to be a widow, to feel them emotions of loss.

In fact, I don't know where you live, but I'd like to make it my life mission to work it out and force you to cry. But I'm a bit busy right now.

So please, just cry your heart out and be okay with that.

The wisest words I have ever read on MN (and I apologise because I can't remember who wrote them): There is nothing wrong with you, what's wrong is what has happened to you.

Please love, just cry. Get it all out in the early months.

I know you should be feeling distraught but, wait a bit, at some pion the shock will pass and once you stop mourning the routines, the dreams in common, etc. Things will be fine, honest, because you will be able to see him for what he is, rather than what you thought He was.

Having said that, what he has done to you is really bad, but what you can do to yourself is even worse. Please do not see yourself as a victim because it disempowers you.

Please do not be cruel to yourself by seeing yourself as the woman who was left by her husband or for the OW. See yourself as who you are, a woman who will learn to survive on her own, because she may have been already surviving on own, for a long time, without noticing, and whose life will be improved from now on, because she is again in the driving seat of her life.

Yes, yes, yes, to your advice WWK, in fact I'm crying now as I type this, but more from gratitude for you taking the time to try to help me when you have your own problems to deal with. Thank you me myself, I am usually such a strong, positive person, but have been completely blindsided by his actions , your comments are very helpful , they make me feel more empowered , it will just take time. I couldn't take ad/ s as they just made me vom, so I will have to feel better about myself on my own, and I will do it, for my own sake and the benefit of my sons.

Hi op, another one here that's been left. We were together 20 years, have a 4 year old son. He left for good earlier this year and I went to pieces, not eating, not sleeping, crying constantly. He and his ow are now having a baby and this news made me physically sick. I have now decided no contact is the way to go. He has been informed that he needs to contact me via solicitor as I go straight back to square one when I have to see or speak to him. I am only a week into no contact and I feel better already. Something has switched in my brain and because I no longer have to see him I can sort of pretend he doesn't exist. I think I can only do this because I spent so long grieving that I'd be surprised if any more tears could fall.

Be kind to yourself as much as you can, as someone up thread has said, cry, cry and cry some more. One day you won't cry at all. Talk about it to your friends/family (my sister had sooo many calls off me during the first couple of months).

Keep posting on here as these wonderful women will be of great support.

You WILL get over this, it will take time but it WILL happen.

Get yourself through Christmas as best you can, there will be many more Christmases to come (which you will enjoy), and I believe there will come a time when you will actually be glad he's gone. He obviously didn't deserve you and now ow is stuck with him and he will do the same to her. Tbh it wouldn't surprise me if he came grovelling back to you if things don't work out with her. Don't be second choice, you deserve to be number one.

I would definitely never have him back after how he has betrayed my trust, I can not forgive him for his callous and cruel treatment of me in the past six months and ongoing even now. I wish him dead , I really do , I know that sounds terrible but at the moment that is my hatred of him.

Cried when putting up tree with the boys, just felt overwhelmed with sadness at memories of the past , promised myself I wouldn't but did it anyway, maybe I should nt have had that brandy!

It's shit isn't it. Don't beat yourself up, you are allowed to be upset. As far as wishing him dead, I know exact how you feel, I really do wish the worst for my ex but people keep telling me to focus on me and my boy and not the twunt, easier said than done if you ask me. I'm sure in time those feelings will subside, if only we had a fast forward button to get to that place!

Hope you're feeling a little better today but if you don't that's ok too, there is no right way to get through it, but get through it you will.