Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Sorry, meant he didn't get a reply!

Hobbit, my sons virtually identical ages as yours. As someone else said, in a way I'm glad they are older because they can't be bullshitted into acceptance and they make their own judgments. On the other hand, maybe it makes it more difficult for them as they understand more of what happened. I don't know.

It's particularly cruel on your younger son, poor love.

I totally get your point about her being a social worker. She of all people should know how marriage breakups affect children. In my case I think of Ms Knife Twisting primary school teacher being all cosy with the little ones knowing that she is ripping a family apart. And making malicious allegations to social services! Anyone working in education at least knows the impact of time wasting. How many Baby Ps could have had more chances if they weren't wasting their times dealing with unhinged nutters like her

Boxing Day my ex decided he wanted to come round briefly. The younger son didn't even look at him, just grunted a thanks for his present. It was actually so obvious that he didn't want him there that I was trying to include him in the conversation by saying things like "we did such and such, didn't we, son". It was very awkward. Afterwards though, I thought good on you son, you stick to your guns. And pleased to say the fuckwit noticed. His get out was that he said he wasn't well. I soon dispensed with that the next time I had contact with ex, back to unpleasant again. I made it clear that my son was perfectly happy until told his dad wanted to come over. It's good to twist the knife sometimes, rather than be dignified.

Hi Izzie , I know I sound bitter and twisted, and in a way I want them to punish him so he feels the pain that he put me through, and in my head I know that's wrong of me, as he is still their dad and will want to carry on a relationship of some kind with them. But it is difficult because when he was at home he hardly bothered, never asked the older son out for a pint, etc, and now he has left he puts on a front of being 'kind and supportive dad' which he certainly wasn't before. I think he just wants to be seen out with them in the village pub so he can say, ' look everyone, my sons are fine with me, why can't you be? ' that kind of scenario, not a genuine need to be in their company.

Hi Hobbit, I totally understand. The point is that the men's actions impact on their kids anyway, so they are perfectly entitled to punish their dad. I was talking to my brother last night, and he was telling me about someone who was 70 and left his wife for OW. His kids therefore would be older than ours. Apparently, years later his kids will still have nothing to do with him and OW.

My H has hardly seen his kids since he left, yet he still an aged to get round for one's birthday and bloody Boxing Day, no prior warning, just a text on the day. Yes they tick the boxes so they can say they saw the kids on key occasions. However, I'm glad that he would have suffered not seeing his kids on Xmas Day.

One of the presents he got the kids was tickets to an England football game, or rather one of the kidss needs to book it themselves for technical reasons. The two kids have been many times themselves, but of course this time the twat said to book three tickets so he could go too. Another bit of male bonding rubbish like your H. The irony is I found out that it was my other son's idea to get the tickets as he thought it would be a way of them getting together without having to talk much. Yet the way H said to me, look at what I've done, he claimed it as his own idea. Well I soon made it clear that I knew the rptruth a few days later when we had an unpleasant phone call. I refuse to play along with all this keeping up appearances rubbish.

A friend of mine has the same issues with her ex H. He used to do the good dad of going to see his son play football.....but never turned up before half time. Also, when he was due to see them he would phone their mum beforehand to get the news about them so he could crack on he was up to speed with things. She also told me that they treat him like the village idiot, they're not too bothered about him at all. She said it's quite funny at home sometimes when son number 1's phone rings, it's his dad, so he doesn't bother answering. Then same thing happens to son number 2. Then her phone goes and he gets irate asking why they are ignoring his calls. Her reply is that he fits them in when he can spare the time, and they do the same.

I think I will go to the pub with my two sons and show everyone that they are supportive of me and not that lying, cheating, excuse for a man.

As for feeling bitter, well it's all part of the process, isn't it? Apparently we will know when we are finally healed when it no longer bothers us. Meantime, I'm just going with the feelings as they happen. I was told that you can be getting on fine with things and then you have a bad day. I had that yesterday, and am a bit like that today. Mostly angry because I've been left to sort out issues with the car because he's too busy! He always used to do that sort of thing. It's that type of dumping though that I try to remember when I have those moments when I wish we could get back together again.

Good idea re pub, Hobbit. You will be the one getting the support there. You should definitely mark your territory in that place.

Do you really wish that Izzie ? Probably not, you are just having a bad day, and you are certainly allowed to have those. My ex did all those kind of things, sorted out car insurance, house insurance, mortgage stuff, so I will have to learn how to do all the practical things in order to survive on my own. It's not rocket science though is it? It is still early days for us in the general scheme of things, we have both been together for a long time, and have had months, and in your case years of denial and deceit to cope with.
So don't beat yourself up about feeling crap occasionally, you would have to be superhuman not to, and I don't think we are ready to don our superhero capes and fly just yet! But we will, love hobbit, feeling a lot better today....

Deep down I wish we could make it work. Realistically I think I would be mad to even consider it. I'm sure that's why I've told so many people the details this time, knowing I would look totally ridiculous if I got back with him.

Yes I know what you mean about those practical things. I'm ok with finances, although hadn't done them for years. And yes the rest isn't rocket science, we just thought it was! Actually every time I do one of these new things, it's a real sense of achievement.

I'm so glad you're feeling more positive today, I will hold that thought. I think you should get to that pub ASAP. And thanks for your words of encouragement.

From and to the fledgling superhero!!

Hobbit, one warning about the finances. I used to have credit cards in my own name, then over the years just became an authorised user on his card. I applied for one in my own name, just my salary, and was declined because on my salary I couldn't support debt shown on credit file, ie joint mortgage! I have a perfect credit record, banked and have mortgage with that bank over 30 years. So, if you don't have a credit card in your own name, get that sorted as a married woman and quote his salary.

Thanks Izzie , that sounds good advice, I will look into that , I do hope to be able to keep the house as stability for the boys, at least for a couple of years. Take care.

I am really sorry for what you are going through. It is incredibly hard and it does consume you thinking about your husband with the OW. My husband is practically living next door with the OW although it is just temporary it is so difficult to deal with it.

I am sure that is hard for you too living in a village as you know you are being gossiped about and that a lot of people know your business. Friends have been great but I have had a woman who knows me avoid me in the shop presumably because she didn't know what to say. You know people feel pity when they see you and I hate that he has put me in this position.

There are lots of people supporting you and apparently it does get better with time. Have a good time down the pub with your two sons.

Hi hobbit & izzie - do you think it is something to do with the time of year because I had been doing pretty well and suddenly again I am angry & wanting to rage at him - he has had a few choice emails of me the last few days as I am so fed up of still being dictated to by him even though he has buggered off. izzie i have had a letter from his solicitor too accusing me of foul language & physical assault because I had got to the end of my tether with him and told him exactly what i think of him. Wouldnt surprise me if i get another one - but surely they must know this happens. It is the total contempt for me that I still cant get my head around and I actually feel I have gone backwards emotionally. He just will not engage. hobbit we had 2 sessions of mediation and have abandoned that route as i felt it was going nowhere - he couldn't even look at me never mind discuss anything. The first session was fairly early on and I was just completely overwhelmed but by the second was more ready for it but still it went nowhere - its almost as if I'm the one who has had the affair as he is doing everything he can to delay things.
i should try the credit card thing again as I tried in my own name & couldnt get one and yes my DH took care of all the finances too- and is still controlling them - makes me so angry that he cant even face up to his own actions. I am concerned for my kids too - they are twins 13 - just about to make selection for GSCE and nothing is sorted - there is a possibility we may have to sell house & they may have to change school - such a mess!

Hi, Iwas , I have read through your thread and I am totally struck by the similarity in our situation. I understand about people avoiding you, they have also done that to me but I think it's just a case of people not knowing what to say , and worrying that they will upset you, not out of any malice.
It is and continues to be very difficult, but we need to show that it is possible to move forward and live our lives well despite being betrayed by our faithless husbands. We have our children and good friends and family members to support us and they have the ow. It doesn't stop the hurt being any less powerful though, we have spent our lives caring for these men and for that to be totally disregarded for someone they have known a short time is hard to come to terms with. It is if it has meant nothing to them, now they have someone new in their head. But we will get through this, because we must, what other option is available ? Christmas and new year were very difficult, but they were always going to be, I imagined all sorts of scenarios, but have no contact anyway, so don't actually know what actually happened.
Love and hugs to you. X

I have found it best for my own peace of mind to have no contact at all at the moment, every time I did it took me back to square one again, I have also told my friends not to tell me anything about what they are doing, together or seperately. It just ramps up my anxiety and low self esteem to hear what they are doing, just carrying on as if nothing has happened while I am in despair. Do not let him try to manipulate or coerce you at all, that way lies madness. X

Hi greenberet ,he has no shame had he, sending you a solicitors letter? What does he expect? A pat on the back? Words fail me, and that makes a change let me tell you! Stay strong, lovely lady, he will have to pay up and deal with the fallout soon enough. I know it adds to your distress as worrying over finances when you are still struggling with the shock of his betrayal is enough to push anyone over the edge. Add to that the anxiety over how it is affecting your children and it is no wonder you are abusive. It is just another way of controlling and manipulating you, and is very cruel. What does your solicitor say to do about his behaviour ? Love hobbit, feeling very angry on your behalf...... Grrrrr....

Greenberet omg the letter from solicitor, how ridiculous! I have just sent a number of texts, usually when he's being arsey. No, he wouldn't complain to a solicitor, he's too mindful of costs.

I think it could well be this time of year. Even if you don't do New Year, it's still post Xmas, which is always a bit of a downer. Mine is because I'm going through all the paperwork. One step closer to splitting permanently I guess.

Oh yes and I recognise about still being controlled. So much of the financial stuff was online and therefore I had trouble accessing it. We still run a joint account, I trust him that far etc, but it's so infuriating that everything takes so long. I couldn't find the MOT cert the other day. He replied that it was in the car file. Where the FUCK does he think I was looking??..no, it wasn't there of course.and he said "why is it that since I've been gone these things are not there". I will tell you why, it's because as I've been going through the papers I find that your filing system is in a mess, you twat!

They don't like losing control. I took him off the council tax, he wasn't happy. I was tempted to send back a credit card letter to him about their new services, gone away!

Oh god, I've just reread your post about your credit card. It's an absolute pain, isn't it? They get to keep the credit card and all the perks, and we are suddenly less worthy of a credit card than our teenage sons! Ironically, after posting about the credit card, I got a marketing letter from one today!

The changing school thing, I hope if you have to sell, that you can stay within reasonable travelling distance.

Iwas, sending you a PM

Hobbit, your sentence "words fail me, and that makes a change, let me tell you!". Hahaha I could have written that!

I'm with you on no contact. I'm perfectly ok with that. It is of course our fault that contact goes pear shaped. We should be grateful for what they have done, and wish them well. Actually, I'm ok with face to face contact when it's just him coming round to see the kids. I look at him and I feel strong. I've not seen much of him, but when I have, I take great delight in very nicely showing him my latest home improvements, and telling him some news about things. There's something quite satisfying in having him enter his own house as a guest. It's that revenge, bitter thing, isn't it?

i have been told to go no contact - but that is what he wants - he is a coward and sees my anger as attacking & bullying him - he has just picked the kids up for the weekend and i told him to get things sorted because kids are suffering - my dd had just spent 30mins asking me whats going on & saying everytime she asks him something he has a comeback - yes that is called trying to justify his actions & put blame on me. He is now giving kids choice of staying at school(private) or selling house - of course they are going to choose school thats were their friends are and hes saying its me thats stopping this happening - even my solicitor said he is on another planet wanting to put school fees before housing. I am 50% shareholder in his business which has suddenly gone from being v successful to not worth much - does he think i was born yesterday - do you know if id known i was going to get a letter from the solicitor i would have made it bloody worth it. I am so angry with him right now.

Greenberet who told you to go no contact?

Your H just doesn't want to hear what a shit he has been. A bit like mine, who is such a good guy. Erm, yes you were once.....

My theory about these men is that they deliberately wind us up because somehow in their minds it justifies their original action ie the affair. Mine is more passive aggressive, he just ignores requests. He knows that is a sure fire way to wind me up (or has he really learned nothing after 32 years??), and then he gets all indignant at my rants. I've decided this New Year to try not to do this anymore, for my own benefit, not his.

School v house, really so unfair of him to do that. That's putting it mildly.

They really do turn nasty, don't they? Before going on MN I would have assumed that the guilty party would actually try to make amends in some way. But no, they just pile on more and more. In my case, things I would have expected him to do, he's just dumped on me to sort out. But in a way that's good, because it lessens any lingering feeling of wanting him back.

And I fully understand what you mean by making it worth it!!

Greenberet, the school v house thing, I wonder if he is doing this to get at you. In other words, house sale disadvantages you. He hasn't really thought through about what an upheaval a house move will be for the kids though, has he? Let alone all the costs involved. I had a quick look online at that, can't remember now, but thought it would be a bargaining point if necessary. I can't remember if it included the costs of decorating, even just the basics like paint, flooring that generally need doing

Ladies are we ABSOLUTELY sure we are not all married to the same (excuse for a) man?!
Arrogant, entitled, never wrong, never apologises, verbally emotionally and physically abusive? Selective amnesia? Controller extraordinaire? Utter fuckwit?
Oh and increasingly unattractive with each passing day?
Recognise him?

lol ideservemore thats made me laugh - why are there so many like this
oh & yes izzie - this was our dream house so he wont want me keeping it - he hasnt thought about the kids in any of this but they are his main priority! my sol, my gp my counsellor have all told me to stop but i want him to know exactly what I think of him and what he is doing to the kids - he looks so smug when he comes to the house! he hates confrontation of any kind and only told me about OW when her DH threatened to tell me.
oh & yes he ignores requests too he waits until the v last minute and then replies as if to say whats all the fuss about?
do you know what Izzie i have just been diagnosed with breast cancer and for a few days i thought it might actually give him a wake up call - but after tonight I have realised nothing will change him. I just have to believe that one day he will get back what hes reaped.