Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

This Christmas is going to be very difficult I know , 28 years of memories isn't forgotten in 2 months , although he seems to have done that very easily. I just don't know the person he has become. He is trying to win the boys over with expensive gifts, and although they will take them it won't change their opinion of him, they know he is just trying to bribe them into accepting him and the ow, which they will never do.

Your boys are of an age to have their own opinions of behaviour and who they want to spend time with.
Not being with DS every other Christmas is mitigated this year by my brother insisting that DS takes his gift from them to his dads.......... It's a box that makes a variety of irritating noises. And there I was thinking he'd liked his XBIL........

Make new traditions and memories with your boys and the old painful ones will fade and one day they won't matter at all. I'm 3 1/2 years after ending a 12 year marriage and still feel I am putting on a face for the world to cover the sadness. DS is only 7, so my life revolves around him and work. I have no family near so the only times I get out to 'socialise' are helping at Beavers and at uni as I've started a part-time MSc. As he gets older I can remember who I am, but you have nothing to hold you back.

Go out and get yourself looking fabulous, hold your head high as you have done nothing wrong and have your revenge by living a better life without him (and not burying yourself in chocolate like I have.....)

Thank you vole3 , I am trying so hard to get my self back to who I was before but still have insomnia, panic attacks, low self esteem etc. I always make sure I look the best I possibly can when I go out but i am 53 , and there's only so much make up can do! I also feel anxious in case I bump into them in the village. She is younger, slimmer, fitter and blonder than me,so I can't really compete. Oh GOD, I sound like a complete self pitying idiot, I seriously need to get a grip and move on from these cheating fools.

But lovely lady, she will get older, fatter, slacker and greyer over time and will be saddled with an ageing, farting twunt.

Don't feel you need to compare yourself to her, she will be full of anxiety over you! You're the mother of his children, the person he made marriage vows with, the person who knows him very well and you have 28 years of memories.

She will be feeling quite insecure about you and probably fearful that he may bounce back to you. Time will show how happy they will be...statistics are not on their side as the humdrum side of life takes the shine of an affair.

He cannot bounce back to me as I would never trust him again, I said that when he left he had burnt his bridges and there was no way back, I had put up with six months of lies and deceit and when he finally admitted it I was near breaking point. I think she will have anxiety about seeing me as I have tried to be dignified and not confronted her over her shocking behaviour, but she knew what the outcome would be and encouraged him to pursue her, while still maintaining a pretence of friendship to me . I do need to be careful as I can't risk her charging me with assault if I lose it! She is all sweetness and light on the outside and no-one can believe what she has done.

insomnia, panic attacks, low self esteem

No, right now You Do Not Need To Get A Grip. You need to have a bit of a shocking time of it. That way, when you start to feel better, you know you're starting to feel better. You don't have to be hard on yourself, y'know. It truly is shit how you've been treated. So please be a bit more accepting about feeling so dreadful.

I'd never had a panic attack in my life until this happened to me. And the first came when I was doing 70mph (ish) on a motorway - the ultimate in thrill seeking, me! I couldn't understand what all the fuss was about (see - divorce makes one a MUCH nicer person, as well as slimmer!).

I don't have them now. But I get what people mean about them.

The insomnia is still a problem. Once I've sorted that, I'll let you know.

Keep up with the counselling - and anything that will knacker you out a bit. Does your counselling do hypnotherapy or visualisation techniques? I found they really did actually help - even though I am one of life's cynics, but kind of figured I'd try anything if it stopped me feeling like the walking dead.

Take care. One day at a time. No more. No less.

Hi WWK, I had never had a panic attack before this either, I thought I was going to die, frightened my sons as well. All my life I have been the laid back, calm person in most situations and now I feel so damaged, it is so hard to come to terms with as it is just so alien to my 'normal' self.
As for the insomnia, I know that it still affects you as well as I read your posts in the wee small hours when my head just won't let me switch off. I am so glad I found mumsnet, it has been so helpful to realise that I am not being weak and foolish in not coping so well.

Before big bang
Laid back - tick.
Calm - tick.
Confident - tick.

During big bang
Agitated - tick
Trembling gibbering wreck - tick
Self-conscious - tick

Today
Zombified - tick
Thin - tick
Compassionate - tick

Future
tbc

Feel shit tonight, 28 years of memories filling my head, was meant to go to a drinks party but just couldn't do it, some friends came round to me instead, swapped presents, had a few wines, cheered me up a bit. Then went to carol service in the church and came home and cried. So much upset and upheaval in such a short space of time, I hate the bastard so much. :(

Hobbitwife, I'm not very good at saying the right things (unlike WWK!) but just wanted to post to let you know that you are not alone. It is still very early for you, so very new and painful and for me at a similar stage I was still in complete disbelief at how a world can crumble so quickly...
It is perfectly okay to cry and be sad... KOKO

Hi Loriens, thank you for your kind words and support, WWK is lovely isn't she and so clever and eloquent in her posts, she always makes me feel better about feeling inadequate and her humour and intelligence shine through in her comments and advice. I will KOKO and fake it till I make it, as you both say. X

One day at a time. No more, no less.

'Tis all can add.

You ok, WWK? I had a good day with my boys, went to a very windy beach with the dog, saw my DB, and came home and ate and drank a good deal , no tears today, thinking of you. X

I'm okay. Had a migraine all day so it's distracted me from what was always going to be a tough day! I don't often get them so it's probably 'just' another joy of getting divorced...Happily, I have managed to sleep some of it away - now I've started sleeping I can't stop!! How is a lass supposed to get a job when all she does is sleep all day? Honestly! I'm hopeless.

Glad you have a good day with the boys!

Oh no, a migraine, how horrible, divorce is the gift that keeps on giving isn't it! I am glad you are sleeping better, you are just catching up on all you have lost through this long process, but you are nearly at the finishing post now and I know you will win out over all his fuckwittery. X

Keep going - you're doing so well. I know your pain. It is all encompassing sometimes. The numb days do come and as wwk says one day at a time.

Thank you, whyme2014, I am trying so hard, and it's not as if I would ever want him back now, I'm not grieving the loss of the man, I just can't get over the callous behaviour of someone who can look you in the eye and lie and cheat and know how much pain he is causing and just carry on.
How could he do that to me after 28 years, I just didn't deserve that.
The week before he left he said we would grow old together, and care for our son who has Aspergers, as a family unit to support him, and now he is saying he won't pay maintenance for him, I feel I don't even recognise this man any longer.

Hobbit, it really is horrendous. My cousin is doing the same to his wife. I can't believe the person he has become. Although their marriage had problems he could have just left and been decent.

Instead he had an affair, lied about it when other people knew, treats her so callously, suddenly very mean with money and is trying to buy his children so that they will be loyal to him. The DC are boys and roughly the same age as your sons.

His boys see straight through him and are not happy. The eldest ignores him as much as he can but he buys the younger one which is utterly sickening. The boys try to put a brave face on it but have both got very angry and have on occasion broken their hearts crying.

He flaunts his new girlfriend in front of the boys. He was in their local pub recently where his son works pissed and showing off. I could kill him for that. It got back to me that his treatment of his son did not go down well with the locals.

Quite a few of his long standing friends have dumped him because of the way he is treating his family. His parents are not impressed either.

I feel furious on your behalf. I don't know the OW but I do know that her marriage was rocky and anytime they split she very quickly got with someone else. My cousin is just one of many it seems. I keep thinking he will see sense and behave decently but no. Marriages break down I know but his behaviour is just unnecessary.

I had my heart broken once and it was awful. I cried all day every day for months and then at least once a day for about a year. It was torture and I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. There isn't really anything you can do but cry. It will ease in time. Would your GP prescribe some medication for you? I went on medication during a crisis and it helped me enormously. I took ADs and propanol for anxiety. I am not trying to be a drug pusher, it just worked for me.

I agree with everyone who says your Ex and OW may look like all is rosy but believe me their treatment of you will come back to bite them.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and even though it is so painful hold your head up high. You probably think you can't get through this but you can, it's just very hard. You sound like a lovely person. Your boys will never forget that you always put them first. Best wishes to you x

Thank you for your support , BrowersBlues, it sounds as if my ex and your cousins' ex were seperated at birth, a right pair of evil twins. I did try ADs but they just made me sick, maybe i will go back and ask for something else, anything else that would help me get through the hard yards, as WWK would say. X

Whatever works for you. I tried hypnotherapy for the anxiety attacks just before the FDA (something is just soooooo not me being one of life's 'eternal pragmatists') but desperate times, desperate measures and all. After all, I just had to sit there looking pretty whilst everyone else did the work.

Done it again recently for the sleep issue as well. 'Tis all I can say. I think once you find your appetite and sleep sorted out, it all helps. Probably should have done it sooner, looking back.

Doesn't mean I'm taking up meditating naked in a buttercup field any time soon (as I'd once say possibly in a disparaging manner), but it DID help me. So, don't rule out things that previously you'd poo-pooh is the moral of my story.

Counselling just doesn't seem to be helping me at all , she just listens to me and sympathises, I want her to give me some coping strategies to feel better, I'm horrified that this man has brought me so low, so angry it keeps me awake at night. Maybe I just need to try something else WWK, because I can't carry on like this. :(

To be honest, I saw a counsellor right at the beginning and gave up because it made me feel worse not better.

It was only when I knew I was on the verge of suicide when I went back, which was about month 3. Now, I know all I do is focus on the next 'event', which is the steps I have to get through (be that a solicitor's meeting, a barristers meeting, or a date of exchange), which she reminds me, is a BIG difference between thinking I'd rather be dead before bedtime.

Nothing, but nothing, is going to switch the pain off right now. However, I can promise you, that you just, sort of, exhaust yourself with it all. It is just that one day, all on its own accord, becomes less horrific just for a moment. Then, you might get a few hours. Then perhaps a day. Please hold on to that thought. It's just not your time yet but it will be.

It's called wading through treacle and only time makes it better.

It does get better. Believe me and I say this now ten years down the line when my marriage had gone pear shaped and I was left a damp, soggy rag of a woman when he left me on Christmas night to go to see his girlfriend.

I put up with some terrible behaviour of his I'm very ashamed to say .

But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I wouldn't put up with anywhere near that now.

You're doing just fine.

Thank you ladies, I do so appreciate all your advice and good wishes, I do have good support in RL, but don't want to bore them all to death with my problems,especially at this time of year, I feel a bit like the 'spectre at the feast' , when everyone wants to enjoy themselves and and I'm struggling.
At least here, I know either you have experienced it or know a friend or family member who has had to deal with such shit, and it does make me feel more positive. To be honest we had a really nice Christmas Day, without his grumpy arse around, but sometimes it just overwhelms me, and we are only at the nisi stage. X