Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Family, you have a solicitor? That's what they are for. Your ex isn't unique, and they know how to cut through all that. You need to be more than convincing to trick the legal system, it ain't gonna happen. Loads of men seem intent on doing the same to their exes. They don't seem very successful except in running up legal bills.

Your self confidence will be at its lowest right now and that is fuelling this worrying. It's a frightening time because it's all new to you.

Family, we are here for you, you get it all out and rant all you want to. It's only natural to feel anxious, who wouldn't?
Please let us help if we can, I'm sure he won't be believed over you, try to calm yourself down a bit , or you won't sleep. Easier said than done I know.
Take care of yourself, xx

Family so sorry you are having a bad night. It is hard to stop the horrible thoughts when you are in that frame of mind. I try not to think too far into the future as I find it a bit daunting. I feel overwhelmed quite frequently. Just try and deal with it on a day to day basis.

None of us could have guessed what would happen to us just like we don't know what will happen in the future. I am sorry he doesn't seem to care what happens to you, it is probably guilt making him act like that, but obviously no easier for you.

You may be miserable and on your own now and it does feel like it will always be that way. But there are many women who have been in our position and felt that way and gone on to be happy again and lots seem to meet someone who makes them a lot happier than their ex did even if they didn't think it at the time. It takes time and it hurts like hell but you will be fine. The fake it until you make it approach seems to be working okay for me at the moment.

Feel free to let it out anytime, we are all here for you. Don't even waste another glass on him, he's not worth it xx

Izzie you've changed your mind!! You must have googled that photo then...

Thank you all so much. I'm sat here in tears but so grateful to have your support. It's like something out of a horrible horrible film isn't it. Or a very bad dream. Iwas the fake it til you make it approach has worked well for me but when you're on your own there's no one to fake to!

Izzie yes it's frightening. I have a good solicitor who I am very confident in but the ex (haven't thought of a name for him on here yet) is so confident with what he says that it makes me doubt what my solicitor has said. I think he has done more harm to my self-confidence than I originally thought.

Ps they were his pint glasses...

Family sorry you're sat there in tears sweetheart. A bad dream that you don't think you are ever going to wake up from.

I suppose I mean that I'm constantly working at being okay, I'm choosing to be okay. I'm not letting myself not be okay. Yes I am still getting upset, but I have a cry and then I think pull yourself (me) together and get on with it. Not long ago I would have just wallowed, felt like I was always going to feel like this and stayed down. I'm actively trying not to do that.

If they were his glasses, smash them to bits, quite therapeutic actually I would think. x

Iwas I'm on my way home.......

Saving the google for work tomo

It actually was - I recommend it. I have remained calm and dignified on the outside on all but two occasions in front of him and I reckon all the pent up anger and frustration needs an outlet. Being a single working parent to two young children is hard enough without having to try and negotiate court proceedings as well as dealing with his crap. It's such a mess.

I am always trying to pick myself back up and usually pull it off, I guess there's just so much going on that sometimes it's impossible and a wallow is what you need. I'm sure I read possibly from WWK about how you need to grieve. I think your idea iwas about having a little cry and then getting on with it again is a good one. I will try and start again tomorrow. Even earlier today I had a horrible thought about when I found out about it all and I managed to stop that thought and said 'no family, do not go there. That was the end of his life and the beginning of yours.' So I know I have the right thoughts, it's just putting them in to practice.

Thank you for your support, you are all amazing. x

Family yes he is fuelling your fears. BUT, he won't be frightening your solicitors. I bet they have jokes about which client has the most entitled dickhead twat ex!

And it seems that the entitled dickhead twat exes don't listen to their own solicitors advice, because they of course know better. And then they dig a nice big hole for themselves.

You are having a shit time at the moment, he thinks he has it all under control. The tables will turn soon enough

Sorry to leave right now, I have no choice. Will check tomorrow as soon as I can. I'm worried about oversleeping, again . Remember, we all care though xxxxx

Good post, family, yes we all have to take a deep breath sometimes. And at other times let it all out. Xx

Family you interrupt away, I think, but Hobbit can correct me if I'm wrong, when she started her thread she was in a bad place. Sometimes you've just got to admit 'Hell, this is bloody hard' rather than pretending all is well - faking it to you make it mentality.

These threads will always find moments of 'trying to be cheerful'/putting humour into a very dark place. Sometimes, "being cheerful" in reality is teeth-gritted in order to protect our indomitable selves (which is what we are!) but we can't be that 24/7, so it also has to be admitted - SHIT THIS IS HARD! No shame there - we're all feeling it, if not always saying it.

Given what's happening to you, the 'dreaded' future dominating all your (our) thoughts, you've got to put that in the context of the very rapid change in your life. We have all had a big shift from the 'predictable future but difficult present' to 'difficult present and presuming a difficult future'. How on earth is anyone not supposed to be scared of that?

In my observation (of myself and other women going through this) is that we all fall victim to 'worst case scenarioing' - which is a state of mind that is constantly 'anxious'-riven that X, Y and Z are going to happen and what would we do about it, but invariably X, Y and Z are doom-mongering thoughts.

One trick that I've found has worked for me is to write down each scenario/fear when I'm hypothesizing them. A few weeks/months down the line, reviewed them and ticked/crossed whether or not they happened. I find, on average, my 'worst case scenario' occurs less than 20% of the time. So either I have an over-active imagination (possible!) or because it's the stress and the fear that is making me less than sensible and rationale...

For example, at my FDA, I had it in my head that MrSW would follow me home or in some way attempt to 'negotiate' away from the court. So I made a plan of what to do if that happened.

It didn't happen.

At the FDA, I had it in my head that he'd get the SM stopped. We said 'no' about it being negotiated.

It wasn't stopped.

My over-active imagination are my real fears, legitimate real fears, so I do spend some time thinking 'okay, what if he does this' and then go and research it. But the best advice I can offer you is to just keep reminding yourself that today is today: just worry about getting through today.

You'll cope with the future, because you cope with today.

hi
i haven't caught up yet this morning but saw this last night on WWK thread
not sure if all you ladies and drifting have seen it but thought it may be helpful
www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-schorn/divorcing-the-character-d_b_3001431.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063 -
I have just had the email this morning that would imply DH is capable of showing some concern for my health - first reaction burst into tears - this is what I would have expected from someone I was married to for 20 years but it is all too late and mixed in with the financial stuff messes with my head - this is why I have been on the ADs for so long - never knowing where i stand
will try & catch up later xx

Izzie - I don't know about heroes and big guns .. but you've got WWW on this thread - and they don't come much better than that! I am in awe of her!

Yet another brilliantly insightful post in response to Family.

Hi Family, WWK is right on the button (as usual,) I was in a very bad place when I started this thread, that was only in December, seems like a lifetime ago, my husband had left in the October and I only discovered MN by accident. I read WWK s thread first, and lurked for a while, and then was compelled to comment on something she said as it really helped me when I felt in despair.

She then encouraged me to start my own thread as she knew i would get the
support I needed, and here we are, two months on and nearly at a thousand posts.

I know exactly how you are feeling, as do all of us who have contributed on here. It is more of a challenge in your case as you have young children, my sons are 19 and 23 and so can be invaluable in giving me a shoulder to cry on( literally and figuratively) . He cannot take your children's love away from you, as he has tried to hurt and manipulate you in to thinking he will gain custody. He is an evil bully, a pathetic excuse for a husband and father.

We all have worries about the future, I know I do, it keeps me awake at night still, if I know I have to contact him, my anxiety goes through the roof.
I still am consumed with all that he has done to me, but I hide it with a mask of humour, I have always been an upbeat, confident person, but still feel so damaged by his lies and deceit. So,although I laugh, and make jokes, and take the piss, underneath I am still devastated, because I know it will take a long time to get back to being the 'real' me.

But it will get better, I am starting to improve each day, I can't change what he has done, so I have to move forwards with my life. You are bound to feel anxious about your hearing, who wouldn't? The fear of the unknown is worse than the fear itself , all these what if ?scenarios playing in your head, and actually having to see him in court must be daunting. I hope you have some RL support with you on the day, don't doubt your strength and hold your head up, you are a fantastic mother and the court will recognise that.

WWK, has given very good advice, she has had a lot of experience (unfortunately ) of dealing with the court process, so do your research as she suggests, I think we all think the worst is going to happen to prepare ourselves for that outcome, that is a natural reaction.

It is weird isn't it that people that don't know you can help you from an anonymous standpoint? It amazes me sometimes that people take the time to try and help,someone that has experienced the despair and come through the other side, paying it forward, as I think we shall all continue to do as well. Sending you hugs and strength, hobbit, xx

Ps . That was a bit long and ramble wasn't it? But from the heart I assure you.

I've just read that link about CD husbands in divorce, omg, that sounds exactly like Family, Green, and Whyme's other halves!

And WWK's of course, Mr Snowy Whitey, as I live and breathe! They have got him down to a T, xx

Green thanks for that link - yep that is him all over.

Thank you all for your support last night. Hobbit your post this morning was lovely and not at all a ramble. I feel very lucky to be able to call on people to help even though you're right, I don't know any of you. Maybe one day that could change and we could meet up for a wine or two.

WWK without sounding over the top... you really blow my mind! I hope you know how much your support means to me and everyone else going through this. You have used your own terrible experience to help so many others and I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say that we are incredibly grateful. I find it hard to think about the worst possible outcome because then I get all panicky but I know I need to embrace that idea - I just need to find a healthy way to do it.

The mask of humour thing is very apt for me too Hobbit. I'll be at work and laughing along with everyone trying to make the latest vile email a joke but really I'm sobbing inside and want to hide under my duvet for a few days and ask my Mum to make me a hot chocolate (now I am an adult she makes it with brandy in it - woo). I guess one day and hopefully one day fairly soon, we will be able to laugh without the darkness barely hidden underneath.

WWK - keep reminding yourself that today is today: just worry about getting through today. I am holding on to this thought today. I am going to go shopping at lunch and get myself an outfit for court. Do we think I should be corporate Mum complete with killer heels (ex is short ) or a softer Mumsy, poor me look?

Thank you again everyone.

Family,
That fear of them fighting for the children sends chills down the spine, doesn't it. I get that your H would do anything to win, just because he doesn't want to lose. [twat] But I can't remember which wise MNer on said, "They ALL say they'll fight you for the children. They ALL say it". Then what really happens is they don't really give a shit about the children, realise they can't do day to day care, and shelve this idea pretty quickly. They say it to upset and to control you. Why? Because they can

And for court, I would go for "soft, mumsy, capable, efficient, gentle" look. The judge will go for that.

Sakura yes exactly. Because they can. Not only do I think he doesn't want them day to day but I know for a fact that he CAN'T have them day to day because of work etc. It is simply that he doesn't want me to have them. It breaks my heart that he takes this view on it. Why can't he be happy that his children are being raised by a loving mother who will always do her best for them. And be grateful - imagine that.

We are nearly at a thousand posts ladies and drifting, I shall continue a new one with a slightly different title, I hope you will join me, thank you to everyone on this thread that has contributed, whether with just best wishes or legal or personal advice, or just a virtual hug.
Onwards and upwards! Love, Hobbit, xx KOKO

Still lurking and reading all your posts.
10 months since I asked dh to leave after he broke my trust big time .
5 weeks I think since I discovered he is seeing someone else and is in love with her ?
25 years together.
Married 23.
4 dc - 22 18 11 4
Totally changed man since he met OW.
Still seeing her knowing I want to try and save our marriage.
Says he doesn't love me anymore.
Has gone from being the most amazing doting daddy of 4 to someone even his own dc don't recognise.
Hasn't seen them since Christmas.
Calls them on Skype about once a week/ten days and says hes coming to see them then doesn't arrange anything.
Doesn't answer his phone to them so they've stopped ringing.

Attitude has totally changed-he's all confident and wearing trendy clothes.
Goes out more. Seems to be enjoying himself and says he's happy.
Knows Ive been off work now for 5 weeks and hasn't asked once how I am.
Knows his dd has had an operaton and didn't come to the hospital with me when I pleaded with him .
Then sent me texts saying how HIS head was all over the place with worry about her and HE couldn't think straight-but was too busy to come !
Still hasn't seen her-she is 4.
I am better than I was yesterday and def better than I was a month ago.
I realised too late how much I love him and this man begged me for 3 months to take him back-if you knew what he did you'd understand why at the time I couldn't .
BUT, I realise that he knows where I am if he wants to try again.
I am not pleading .
I am trying to pick up my life but feel like I have a volcano in my stomach and have never cried so much in my entire life.
I miss him so much it actually hurts.
I am so scared of growing old without him.
I don't at this moment want to do anything or go anywhere because I feel like half of me is missing-but I make myself.
Im reading a book called moving on- its crap but im trying !
I listen to some dodgy hypnosis thing on my ipad at night about letting go.
Ive been on AD`s for a week now as need to sort myself out for dc.
Ive stopped chasing him for contact-it will only prolong the moment he turns around and realises what hes lost.
Im scared of feeling like this forever.
im scared of being a bitter person - I want some peace now-does that make sense ?
ramble over.
25 years fgs.
Still keep hoping in the back of my mind that he will realise its all a huge mistake and want to work it out but deep down I don't think it will happen now .

I know, family. Although that MNer was wise, it's not unheard of for men to fight their wives for custody, only to hire a nanny to have the children. Or their girlfriend. Or their mother.
And people say 50/50 is fair, but it's not when the mother has given up her career prospects in order to have the children in the first place and the father has given up diddly squat. Oh dear God, at least they make it very easy for us to move on when they show us who they are!

Fontella you are right about WWK. I've grown to appreciate her more and more. But you are bloody marvellous as well. I've followed and commented on Iwas since the very beginning. And your posts are spot on. I also found your back story on some thread. Total admiration for you.