Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

Of course, you're struggling. This time of year is the hardest, naturally. However, that in itself is your landmark = next Christmas won't be as bad as this Christmas.

And yes, he was a grumpy arse? Mine too. "Walking on Sunshine" - used to be my neighbour. Walking on Eggshells was my life behind closed doors.

It just serves to make you feel worse that you didn't assert yourself better. Others will say 'well do be grateful that he's not here'. But you were living your choices, with your outcomes, with your beliefs.

So it's is a mental conflict right now. The real conflict fucked off.

Take care.

My friend has been through something similar. Our lovely doctor didn't prescribe AD's but a anti-histamine that has a side effect of chilling you out and helping you to sleep. It really helped her through the first few months.
The counselling you are having sounds like a person centred approach which can be a bit wishy washy of you know what the issue is. I'm wondering if a mixture of that and CBT would be more useful.
Finally you sound lovely OP. He sounds like an idiot to have let you go. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Thank you, I will ask my doctor about trying that in the new year, as you know everything seems a lot harder to deal with when you haven't had enough sleep:( feel like I'm running on empty most of the time. I will also talk to the counsellor , but I think the problem is I want a quick fix for this, and there is no such thing, just time to heal, but it is so hard. X

Hobbitwife I completely agree how hard everything feels when you are lacking in sleep. I can get to sleep but can't stay asleep and like you I wanted a quick fix or to be months ahead of 'now' in this horrible journey.

Tried sleeping tablets just before Christmas for two nights and they did help. Haven't had any since but after a couple of nights good sleep, they made me feel like I can cope again. My DM swears by Piriton which you can buy OTC for the first night in a strange bed (holidays etc.) and NightKalms are supposed to be good

Funnily enough, I went to family yesterday and slept for two hours on the sofa, with five small people running around making lots of noise! Maybe I going through the next stage of wanting to sleep all the time?

I think that you need to keep talking to people whether it is on here, IRL or via counselling. Talking really does help! I found it very hard to talk to people at first as I have always been the 'listener' for family and friends-- I didn't want them to see me less than strong but I do consider myself so fortunate to have had so much support from the most unexpected people.

Take care, feel free to PM if you need to have a rant or a weep or anything...

My doctor gave me antihistamines as well, that was 9 months ago and I still take one every night to help me sleep. My dr said I can take them for the rest of my life if needed as it won't be detrimental to my health.
It is still very raw for you, I've been there, I didn't eat anything for 2 weeks and went down to a size 6 but eventually the anger came and my appetite returned (so much so I'm having to diet!). Since going nc with ex (only a few weeks) I feel so much better but I still avoid any places I think he might be. Also my ex and his ow are having a baby and it crushed me when I found out but as others have said it takes time (time heals all wounds), I so wanted a fast forward button but as they don't exist we have to take it day by day.
Please believe me when I say you WILL get through this, your ex will show is true colours to ow at some point and you will be so glad he's gone, I know you may not believe it (I didnt), but it will happen.
This time of year is especially hard but it will all be back to normal again in a week.
Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, eventually you will be 'all cried out' .
Best of luck and wishing you a happy and peaceful 2015

You are all lovely people, thank you so much for taking the time to try and help me out of this, I WILL do it, i am normally the person friends come to for advice, and now I'm the one needing support. I definitely think I have been better since going no contact four weeks ago, if I need to ask him anything I ask my sons to text him. He texted my son ( with Aspergers) and wished him the most wonderful Christmas and New Year! Really! He was a bit put out to say the least, he didn't dignify that with a reply.
I will try anti-histamines, I will try anything! Xx
Hobbit, feeling sleepy......

i am normally the person friends come to for advice, and now I'm the one needing support

Then you're getting nothing less than you deserve as a good person. Please ask them for help as people will want to.

I am 5 months into DH leaving after 20 years for OW - i had the I dont love you speech 3 days before xmas last year followed by 7 months of lies, deceit, confusion, depression & suicidal tendencies (him) before he finally decided to leave whilst I was on holiday with kids.

Like you hobbit i cant believe how nasty he has become- he is quite likely narcisstic - as treats me with such contempt but is the doting dad as far as the kids are concerned although they too are seeing him for who he really is.
Sadly he is well respected in his profession so no doubt has cast me as the villain in all this - even going as far as threatening to call the police on me when I turned up at the office to collect my payslip- i have just had some bad health news and for a few days I thought things may actually change but I think nothing will change the way he behaves. Nothing will surprise me any more - and I have felt like I have been kicked in the stomach a few times by his behaviour.

whoever said up thread that some men become "evil" is exactly right - I have to be strong for my kids and you do to for your son - that will get you through this - I am also on sleeping tablets and they have been the greatest help - i can function if I have slept.

it is truely shit that another human being can do this to someone they once loved and i have read that going through this is like suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

Be kind to yourself - give yourself all the time you need and let the emotions run freely - the anger has been the hardest for me as I want him to know exactly what he is doing to me & the kids - why should he be able to just walk off into another relationship without dealing with his responsibilities - but I know i need to let this go for my own sake.

I am a long way off being able to think about a new life and have some major financial stuff still to deal with but I know deep down I will get through this - we have no choice - we have kids and we have to show them this is not how decent people behave no matter what the circumstances. Like well you just have to KOKO - it will get betterx

[Flowers] Greenberet

It's the losers in war who don't get to tell their story. It's the dumped in marriages who struggle to deal with theirs. KOKO.

Ah! I've just done a Zebra!

OH MY GOD, green beret, he sounds a real twunt of the highest order, mine did the depressed, threatening to throw himself off a bridge malarkey, but it was only the guilt of what he was doing to me and the boys. He has always been a very moral person, and what he has done is so out of character for him, his personality has totally changed, he has become a total narcissist.
I feel your pain and and your anger and can absolutely understand what you are going through. But you are right, we will get through this because we have to, there is such a fine line between love and hate, and I have definitely crossed over to the dark side! Please pm me if you need to talk.

Hobbit (and everybody else) my heart goes out to you, it really does.

DP told me about other woman in December (he works away) and I stupidly said he could stay here at Christmas for the kids (8 & 5) as I don't want them to associate Christmas with anything bad - we had a traumatic one 3 years ago my Mum passed away suddenly on Christmas Day.

Anyway the upshot is DC's expected him to be here for the holidays but no, he told me Christmas Eve he had a flight booked 7am Boxing Day. I can't work out if I am livid or devastated. Can't tell them why he has gone can I?

PS WWK what is a Zebra??!!

Am I being unreasonable to not want him to come to the house without asking first? He still has his keys and comes in to get his post when he sees that my car isn't there, he then also talks to my youngest son and asks about me etc. I don't like him doing that as I had left divorce stuff on the table and feel that he would be snooping around, looking at my letters/emails and stuff. It feels like an invasion of privacy, as I can't go looking around the ow's house can I? But he is still paying the mortgage so I don't know if I can stop him , I just want some notice of him coming so I can not be there but put anything private away.

You're not unreasonable for wanting that. However, sadly, I believe he has 'every right' for now. Best you can hope is that you email him and acknowledge his 'right' but request that he gives you advanced notice. Is he being an acrimonious git and 'demanding shit' or is he by and large being civil?

And for now, ANYTHING, that is between you and your solicitor get it put in a very safe place.

PS Vimto, Zebra is a poster here who gifted me some flowers but, like I did above, capitalised it so it didn't work. Made me giggle.

Hi WWK, no he is being civil, well I think he is , I've not contacted him for a month, but he has emailed me once or twice about my son. He doesn't want to take anything from the house, only his clothes, laptop and iPod. I believe it is because everything here we bought together and it holds too many personal memories that he doesn't want to acknowledge, obviously she is not going to want items from the marital home in her house. He says he does not think he should be 'punished' for wanting to be happy, and will not punish himself for what he has done to me and the boys. But it seems to be acceptable to 'punish ' me for doing nothing wrong.

How convenient for him. I got the lovely line 'It's all my fault and I'm sorry' and then I got a solicitor and the rest is history...and a tad future!

Ahh yes. The 'I just want to be happy' thats what mine said. I wanted him to be happy too but not at my expense and not the way he went about it. Had he dumped me 'normally' I would have been devastated
But the months of lies and odd behaviours really really messed with my mind.
Have a Zebra and some

I got that line too!! Now his ow's pregnant I've been told I should be happy for him???!!! Wtf, he can't be a decent dad to our child but I should be happy he's got another on the way, fuck off prick!.
I don't care how it makes me sound but I hope he is miserable, he's not bothered with our son at all, hence why I've gone nc.

We are all better off without these 'men' in our lives, they've shown how selfish they are and their new gf's will see it soon enough.

That's exactly what he did to me frog, saying he was depressed about being fifty, how he thought he would die young, making me think I could repair him and his perceived problems in our marriage, but all along there was this other woman who was a friend in the village and she shook her tail at him and he pursued her, it was just his guilt that was making him unhappy. So I can never forgive him for the six months of hell he put me through, seeing me going lower and lower and still keeping up the pretence that she was just a'friend'. I will be glad when the divorce is all finalised and I will not have to speak to him ever again. :(

He sent my son a text saying how proud of them he was and how they would always come first with him, well that's a joke because he would critisize them at every opportunity when he was here , and they obviously don't come first, he does! He is so selfish, it's all about his needs. It is all about appearing to be a good person, it's all 'front' he has always been the kind of man who wants recognition for doing the right thing, and he is still carrying on the pretence. Luckily my sons can see through his pathetic attempts at currying favour with them.

Lip service at its best! How are you feeling about NY? I don't mean as in is it going to be hard? I think (for me) getting that out of the way will mark a turning point in my recovery (hopefully ). I hope it brings some recovery to you too x

I've never liked NY anyway, but at least getting rid of 2014 might help me move forward a bit. I'm only at the nisi stage so I know that there is plenty of financial shit to come in 2015. He has said he will support us until youngest son (with Aspergers) has finished uni, but not after that.
I am very angry about that, I know he has a choice to end his marriage with me, but not his responsibility towards his SN son. I need to provide a stable home for him and will not be able to support him on my income, he cannot just walk away into the sunset with her, he has a good income and there is no reason why he cannot continue to do so. Wishing you a good one, hope you feel better soon, thank you for your kind words.

Glad your sons see through him. I'm sure your relationship with yours ds's will become even closer because of this. Remember, he will be the loser in the long run, it's difficult to see now but he will be.

Yes, they have been fantastic, although younger sons eating disorder has raised it's ugly head again due to the upset, but he seems to have got a handle on it, and admitting a problem is half way to dealing with it. What a fucking mess he has caused.:(