Hi Hobbit, I'm very tired, obviously, but reasonably ok.
The financials. I've never asked his permission to spend etc, but two car purchases are a major expense [both need changing]. The amount spent affects what's left for the future financial settlement, so we were always going to negotiate on what we saw as a reasonable amount to spend in total. I needed him to give me some idea of what he saw as a workable amount, although I already had an amount in mind, but didn't want to reveal that amount if possible.
As the plan is to trade in his car first, ie the one I'm driving, I need his signature to hand over the car. Also his signature to remove the personalised plate. Also, I don't fancy having to negotiate a car purchase by myself etc etc so I'm happy to take him along for my own benefit.
As for the rest of it, if we are to negotiate a financial settlement ourselves, with solicitors acting in an advisory role, then boundaries need to be set. I summonsed him to a meeting with me a few weeks ago to clear the air over various issues, and he took my points. Also admitted that he found it hard to see me taking control of certain financial matters after he had set up systems etc over many years. I do understand that, it's like someone trying to tell me to rearrange my kitchen cupboards, for instance, and I tell them to bog off. And I have changed allsorts of things since he's been gone. It's nearly three months now, and he can see the reality of his life. Doesn't see much of his sons, living in a house he doesn't like, without most of his usual stuff around him, the realisation that he will not be seeing his sons on major events anymore, eg Xmas, birthdays etc.. Not a part of his old family, not a bona fide resident where he now lives. An unsettling time for him, as well as me. Of his own making of course. So I think he's clinging to the one area where he has control. Except I've been muscling in too.
Anyway, I had already made it clear that I wasn't going to deal with emails of a certain type and of a certain tone because I found it stressful and upsetting. And I restated that today. He seems to have conceded the point. If I get abusive, he gets officious. I don't apologise for getting abusive but I expect an apology for officious. If I get officious, he has more patience than me, so I get worse than I dished out. I do bring it on myself but I retain the right to be the victim. I've learnt that from sicko unstable bitch.
Today I re read my sarky piss taking messages, felt better and decided that there were still some issues re the cars. And that I needed to get the car sorted more than to ignore him. So texted to say I think this is a good idea etc etc and if I spend too much, I can always sell one of my kidneys to fund the difference. Also one saying he needed to sign a form here. And in ref to his horrible email last night, during which he accused me of trespass because I parked on her drive [extreme twat last night] ..said "I may be in disguise when you see me as the filth are after me for a spot of overnight camping on private property". Basically the point being cut the pompous shit because I won't take it seriously. I thought, you either negotiate and communicate as I decide, or you can fuck off. So he came back with an acknowledgment and a joke. He will learn. It's a battle of wills, and I generally win most of those.
So although I'm peeved that he wouldn't hand back my car, I've felt a bit more reassured that it is just POTENTIALLY dangerous [ I'm kamikaze], so I will live with it for a while so I don't have to drive a manual car until replacement. I'm getting the car I want, price about what I want, got him holding my hand at the garage, figuratively speaking, and getting it moving finally.
Note to self, don't put myself in a situation where he gets officious. And if I do......to take a few hours out and reply in a way that cuts through the crap, diffuses the situation and takes back control of the manner of communication. Because I neither want nor need any more aggravation than necessary when going for final settlement.
Financial partners we are for now, as we still run all stuff as before, joint bank account etc, me using his credit card. That status quo is to stay until negotiations start. At which point, clearly things change.