Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

No, I'm still fucking angry Izzie , and she wouldn't like me when I'm angry!
I would love to do an Iwas, and give her a right good talking to, but probably won't get the chance.
I think the longer it gets the more apprehensive she will be at seeing me, so I'll just let her stew in a lovely marinade of guilt and foreboding.

I don't know how she can look herself in the mirror tbh, but she's obviously not arsed. I will just bide my time, but I know that's being stupid really, as there is no reason or explanation she could give me that would excuse her actions.
It seems a worse betrayal coming from someone that I thought was a friend, that we socialised with, also her husband left her for another woman about ten years ago , so she knows the pain it causes to the family.

I also know that he is more to blame than her, as he was the one that was married, but he is just a foolish, MLC man, and she totally targeted him, knowing of our autistic son and the outcome of her affair with him.

I will never, ever forgive the both of them, some things are unforgivable.

Agreed, Hobbit. It is a disgusting way to treat another human being, who is merely guilty of being a spouse.

I am joining the angry club tonight. I am angry.

I agree hobbit - ow is a single mum to two kids and was always saying her little support she gets, how hard it is etc. She has now done the exact same thing to another family. Did she think about my DC? No she was supposed to be a friend to him but instead of saying spend time with your own family, she was using him to help her move house etc. I know he is very much to blame but at the moment he looks like a silly weak man hanging around with someone 10 years younger than him and her friends. One day he my grow up and act his age but I very much doubt that.

Hobbit, I totally agree in your case. Friend. Been through it herself.

I've emailed him setting out my terms for negotiation. Interestingly he slipped in something about how the car purchases would be treated. I came up with a few suggestions originally. I told him I had agreed to nothing, that he may be the higher earner but that doesn't give him any extra negotiating rights. In the email I set out terms like any ridiculous opening offer would not be considered and it would lead to my insistence on a full and frank financial disclosure, including seeing the credit card items and an explanation for each. He won't like that. Also said I would not tolerate stupid emails like one I got over the movement of 120 quid from one joint account to another. Various other things mentioned. Ended it by saying I wanted to conduct negotiations amicably, fairly and honestly. But, that after that I wanted no charade of friendship, no relationship, nothing, don't come to my funeral, I won't be attending yours. Said I married a decent man but that I would be divorcing him not for his past actions, but for the man he has become since leaving. Said I was looking forward to a happy and peaceful life without him.

I need to continue working on not thinking of the far gone past, the good bits. I try to think of myself as a widow in that respect. The man I married is no longer on this earth, is he?

I'm getting emotional writing this.

I'm glad though that the last 24 hours has happened. It was a microcosm of what he is now.

I think I have finally become a fully fledged member of this thread!

Strong, Hobbit.....yes, anyone who has experienced this, it's absolutely inconceivable that they could do that to someone else. When it happens to you, you are under no illusions.

If I ever dated again and found he was married, or I ever fell for someone I knew to be married......I just wouldn't. Full stop. Same as I would never murder anyone. It's that clear cut.

WWK, I have to say that it's dawned on me just how insightful you are. Hobbit and I were once talking on here about Fontella and some of the other big names. She said you were her favourite. You know, friendship aside, I can see why.

Talking of Fontella, have you seen her recent posts on iwas? She knows her stuff!

She hasn't commented on here since, has she? Maybe she thinks we are soooo sorted we don't need advice. Alternatively, we are hopeless cases

I kept a bit of a diary. This is an entry June 2013. He had admitted a few weeks ago that he had been seeing her again. We were trying to repair the marriage

"All pleasant thoughts this week have been of calm and contentment. He doesn't feature in any of the scenarios. I feel like I don't want to envisage a future with him. I can't see an end to the outsiders influence in practical terms, and the spectre of the resumption of relations. I definitely don't want any future where the outsider is.

I have had a shift of thought this week. I have had to talk myself round to the thought that I want our marriage to work. But realistically, the shift has been an emotional withdrawal and hostility towards him. Do I want some answers as to where it all went wrong? Not sure i really care. I just want a resolution to things. And I feel the quickest and most desirable resolution is for him to move out on a permanent basis. I have no wish to contact him or maintain relations. I don't think he is a father in the true sense of the word, he doesn't do anything other than superficially touch their lives. I don't care what happens with his relationship with them. I'm happy that the kids will come to terms with things, and I'll support them throughout the process. I think they will have minimal contact with him because of the outsiders presence. I can't see [younger son] being anything other than cool at most. "

I really like Fontella as well Izzie, it seems to come from the heart, yet she doesn't pull her punches, her advice is always really sound.
Sometimes the truth hurts doesn't it ?
Sometimes you don't want to face up to the facts...
Your husband isn't the man you believed him to be...
That's the only truth you need to acknowledge....

Hobbit, yes that truth that is so hard to believe.

What I've learned most from being on MN is that there is such a common pattern. I would never have believed that he would turn into a controlling financial bully. I feared that he would become a financial cheat. I just know that it's going to happen, though. He's no different from anyone else.

I can't call him my ex anymore. I feel that an ex implies a relationship. Maybe Stranger is an appropriate name. In both senses of the word

Izzie, has he ever given you a reason why he decided this person was the one he chose to betray you with ?
Surely he knew she was unstable?
I just don't understand why he thought it a good bet? He knew what he was getting himself into, is he just deluded? Or just a silly MLC man flattered by the attention, as mine was?
Lots of love,
Ps, if I'm being too nosy just tell me so, I can take it! Xx

Hello everyone.

Izzie I am sorry he is being such an arse about the car. How on earth does he think it is acceptable for you to drive a dangerous car. If the car he is using is legally yours and he won't let you have it back could you speak to your insurance company and get him removed as an additional driver so he can't use it? Or tell him you are going to do that unless the car is back with you by the end of tomorrow.

"Once we are happy, we really can't be bothered to care about the past." I like that.

WWK pleased you enjoyed your party. The dog sounds lovely, much better than a man!

Green sorry it's been hard for you today. Re the cancer advert there always seem to be constant reminders from tv etc when you are going through something horrific. I hope you are feeling okay. I had all of the "I can talk to her" and "it's exciting" nonsense about OW too. I hope your children are okay. It is the three of us and dog here too. "What matters is that my kids are right here with me." Wise words - hold on to those.

Hobbit pleased you seem okay. Hope you didn't work too hard Anger helps you stay strong until you come out the other side of all this.

Hobbit write down what you would like to say to OW if you don't think you will get the chance to tell her. It helps to get it out and I am pleased I did, but I still didn't really say what I wanted to her. I am sure "your" OW will be stewing though and apprehensive about bumping into you.

I don't know how they can look in the mirror too. Even if they didn't know you, had never met you, didn't know what you looked like it would still be a shitty thing to do. But, when they know you, chat to you, are friendly with you and they can still do that to you then they are every much a shit as the husband.

Strong OW seem to be just as selfish as our husbands. A colleague of a friend was involved with someone who was married and justified it by saying that it had been done to her so why should she care if she did it to someone else! Well it might have been done to me but I would never put another woman through what we are all going through.

Izzie don't dwell on the good bits at the moment, it doesn't help to keep thinking they were decent. A decent man doesn't do what they have done.

Hobbit Basically he left me. As opposed to decided to take up with her. He felt obliged to her and couldn't break free. Precisely because she is mentally unstable. He was desperate to leave her last year. Broke it off with her. She was then diagnosed with cancer. And told him. That has been the general pattern. He leaves her. Crisis. He goes back. Shit in marriage caused by her stirring and announcing her presence. Round and round and round. He couldn't unravel the shit in our marriage, work out that she was the one causing the problems in the marriage. He went off to the port in a storm

I agree Iwas, I would never put another woman and her children through the pain of this, she had a nervous breakdown when her husband left her and her son, and he then did not move in with his new girlfriend around the corner from them in a small village like they have done to me and my sons, and openly carried on their relationship as if nothing untoward had happened. So,how can she do that to me? I just don't understand it . :(

I have written everything down in a book I want to say to her and him, I have done from the start, my counsellor advised me to do that to get it all out of my head. Bollocks really, it is still there in my head 24/7 .
I can't get free of it, it consumes me most of the time, when will it leave me?
I'm so tired of it, so tired of obsessing over the injustice, I did nothing to deserve this. I haven't been to counselling since before Christmas, I didn't feel it was helping me at all, maybe I need to rethink my options.

Oh Izzie , we are both well rid aren't we? If only I could stop thinking about it all the time, it just takes over your life, I want it to end. I don't want him, I just want him to disappear, and that's not going to happen. :(

Hobbit it's all about them isn't it. Just totally selfish and stuff everyone else. I don't know how the OW can do it, it must be even worse for you if she was supposed to be your friend. I was friendly with OW (I thought she was sodding nice!!!) but she wasn't a friend of mine as such.

"Carry on their relationship as if nothing untoward had happened". Yes this how?? I don't think my husband sees any difference to a relationship with OW to having one with someone he had met after we split up. There is every difference. He thinks that as he's separated he can see who he likes, which is fine in theory but he thought he could see who he liked when he was married too.

Hello everyone. I'm sorry I haven't been around - I have had so much on with work and the kids (not to mention dealing with the irrational rantings of a lunatic) and feel like I haven't really sat down.

I am sorry to hear a lot of you are having a rough time. It is so unbelievably hard. The ups and then the horrendous lows. I think I would rather be on some sort of medium level where I get neither the ups or downs and just exist moderately happy. That sounds very depressing reading back!

Things have taken a turn for the worse financially. I am in constant shock at how he does not care if me and the children end up having to move out of our home. He honestly just doesn't care. It's like I don't exist and the kids only really exist when they're with him. How can he think like that? It's not normal. To reference a point from earlier - if these men / woman were blissfully happy surely they wouldn't be behaving like this. They could afford to be generous. I don't know how he can live with himself. I don't know how she can watch him treat the mother of his children like this and be ok with it.

Hobbit I think I am in a similar boat re counselling. I only went to a few sessions but think I need to start back. It is such a long and painful process and help is needed the whole way through, not just at the beginning as some may think.

I hope you are all relatively well, I think of you all often.

Sorry Izzie. That is hard to deal with. He is not worth your anguish though, none of them are. If they were they would not have done this in the first place.

Ah Hobbit sorry it was worth a try. I was feeling exactly like you were not long ago. Him and OW being together was all I could think about. Thinking about them having cosy evenings together, laughing and joking, in bed was all I thought about. The pain and sadness that I felt is not something I could describe to someone who has not gone through it. I thought it was all I would ever think about. It is still there, it hasn't gone I just manage it better, at the moment, it could all change again tomorrow.

I wrote last week about how I had realised that he hadn't just lied and cheated on me but that he was a liar and a cheat. That is who he is, not the man I thought he was. It has helped me to recognise that.

iwas I always imagine that when they have the children they pretend to be a happy family and it makes me sick to the stomach. I want to walk behind them shouting 'she's not their mother and this was the result of an affair' at the top of my voice. Probably not wise though.

I have just had the most despicable email ever. I can't even begin to explain. I'm not dealing with him anymore. It's going through solicitors

Hello Family welcome back, although I am not sure this is a thread that anyone wants to be on!

Sorry you are having a rough time too. They claim to care, but their actions don't back it up a lot of the time.

That must be very hard for you when your children are with them. I don't blame you for wanting to shout that. My children haven't met the OW as such. They knew her to say hello to before, but that was all. I don't know if they will end up spending time with her. I hope not but if he does stay in a relationship with her I would think it is inevitable that they will do that at some point.

Ah sorry Izzie, I hope you are okay. If he keeps acting like an idiot which it seems he does then you are probably best to deal with him through a Solicitor. I hope you are okay xx

Iwas I'm bloody livid etc etc. but he has totally lost the plot. He's an extremely bitter little man. My final text to him:

I will be negotiating a financial settlement via solicitors as is my RIGHT. Everything I have texted to you is truth. Truth you don't want to admit. Your emails however are full of lies and distortions. Unlike you, solicitors can see the truth of the matter. They deal with bullying bitter men in divorces daily. They laugh at people like you. They will have my financial interests at heart. I will spend less than 2k in fees, I know what to do. You will run up tens of thousands because you are as bitter and twisted as her ex. And that will all come out of your settlement.

Izzie I've had exactly the same today. Just going to have to forward it on to my SHL and hope they know how to handle it because I certainly don't.

Can you distract yourself with a film or something so you're not up all night worrying? Says she unable to switch off...