Finding it so hard to move on after husband has left....

[Hobbitwife001]

My husband of 27 years left two months ago to have a relationship with a woman I considered to be a friend, and I just can't seem to get over the pain of his betrayal.
It fills my every waking moment and I sometimes dream about it as well, that's when I get to sleep that is. I can't stand to feel this way and have started having counselling to,try and fix myself, I just feel damaged by his lies and deceit and can't find my way back to my old self. Please help lovely mumsnetters x

I'm glad you are feeling a bit calmer tonight Izzie, I thought you were going into full meltdown mode last night, not that you didn't have extreme provocation, but not good for your blood pressure. Like Catsrus says we need to 'detach detach detach, ', the sooner we have as little contact with them as possible, the sooner we will start to feel better, more at peace and less stressed. I haven't seen my twunt for about six weeks, actually seen him in the flesh, ( I'd like to see him without flesh but that's just a pipe dream) and I feel much more relaxed. Ha ha , that last sentence was a bit 'dark' wasn't it? Just shows the hatred I feel for the man.

Just saying the more you ask his opinions and advice , the longer he will feel he still has a measure of input and control of you and your choices. I don't ask my stbxh anything, I don't want him to do anything for me, or ask him his opinion on anything pertaining to me, he lost that privilege when he walked out the door, he can't tell me what to do and when to do it, or where to go and who with. He means nothing to me now. Protect yourself and your boys Izzie, but especially you. Xx

Thanks Catsrus and Hobs

I was so bloody wound up and upset. I feel very paranoid when I get one of those emails. I just go all pathetic

I know what you mean about input and advice. I've got on with most stuff myself, only asking him when no choice, eg can't find the drill etc. I'm asking my brother when I'm stuck, he's very good.

The car purchase thing was worrying me, actually going into a garage, negotiating etc. so I'm more than happy to let him do that. I'm quite pleased actually....he went to the garage on way home, looked at the actual car I had in mind, had looked at the spec online as well. Should be going to the garage on sat for test drive. He's test driving it, I've insisted. No way am I doing a test drive, too scared I would crash it! I said I would sit in it, and that would be fine! Same as I did when I bought my now "stolen" car. Maybe I could manage a few yards in a very quiet street. He's going to look at a few other options I had in mind. I'm a typical woman, I know what I want in a car. Something to play music, something to stop me crashing when parking, and colour black! All the other shit, he can unravel. It's quite a bit of stuff to sort. He is happy to deal with it.

I'm a bit like iwas on the contact, non contact thing. I haven't quite worked out what is best for me long term, so I'm experimenting, if you like.

hello

glad you are feeling a bit more sorted izzie and im with you there Hobbit - i managed to change a light switch today and the house hasnt gone up in flames yet - actually not even something DH would have done - he would have got a man in!

I think DH is continuing in his emotionally controlling manner. Tax bill is due to be paid today according to accountants letter and as yet he hasnt replied to the emails ive sent him regarding this - so more mucking with my head and leaving me to wonder whether he has done what he said he would - not good for my current state of health.

I have noticed a pattern too now - I am much worse when I have to have some sort of communication with him even by email as know he is not going to answer straight away & deliberately leaves me in uncertainty - i know he has access to email as chatting to kids - so just more abuse. he reckons its me that cant let go - actually think its him! gt to have this control over me still!

Of course he's happy doing that , it gives him an 'in' again doesn't it?
He can be the 'good guy' again, showing how helpful and caring he is, just like when he sorted your sons phone contract out, it makes him feel indispensable to the family, he can't be that bad can he? He is showing to others that you still need him, putting his veneer of respectability out for all to see, his reputation still intact.
When in fact he is still the man who betrayed you, and humiliated you, and left your family for someone who has tried to destroy your happiness and your good name.

he is still the man who betrayed you, and humiliated you,

Actually, as someone, said to me, they have NOT humiliated you, they have only humiliated themselves

That's true, maybe it's just me who feels humiliated, it's just my low self esteem talking, I hope you don't feel I'm being harsh with you Izzie, I wouldn't dream of pretending to think I know what's best for you and your situation, everyone has every right to deal with their ex's in their own way, I'm not the divorce police! .
I just want you to be ok, and your posts last night were concerning me, you seemed so upset by his actions. Take care xx

I feel humiliated too but agree with Izzie that we shouldn't. No-one has ever said to me 'wow you must be so embarrassed by what he has done' so I reckon it's in our heads. I read a good article about it the other day and it was talking about how no one ever admires or respects a cheater. I wonder if people ever sympathise with him and think well if he wasn't happy... But that is not the case at all. If he wasn't happy he probably should have mentioned it to me (you know, communicating and stuff) then separated if it wasn't working. There was no need for things to turn out as they did - he thought I would never move on and that I'd wait for him. How wrong he was!

I am on the No Contact team even though I know how hard it is. I think you have to come to the realisation yourself because I spent a long time trying to work out why he wasn't understanding or responding in the way the man I married would have done. Now I know it's because that guy doesn't exist anymore. It's easier not talking to a stranger because that is what he is. He even looks like a completely different person now. Very very odd.

Hobbit are you a mind reader?

I was going to post to say that you are the one who asks me the questions I find difficult to answer. You are the one who forces me to think about things. And sometimes I squirm, because I have to face ....whatever

But I didn't post all that because I was concerned that you would be offended.

No, absolutely no feeling you are being harsh. Who said on here that it's hard to face the reality. Actually, wasn't it you??

It's helpful to hear what others think, whether in relation to another person or my own situation. The point is, also, that there are difficult issues to face.

Please, you carry on as you are.

Thank you for your concern last night. I was very upset, angry, frightened too. I think I must have been a wind up toy in a previous life. Once I'm set I just go and go and go until eventually I'm exhausted and done with it.

I was quite screwy over the weekend. Went through the whole range of emotions.

Don't worry about me. I let it all out. Then I'm better. It will never be put on my gravestone that I was a closed book.

As for your comment about your low self esteem....you are warm, funny, open, genuine and Welsh.....4 out of 5 ain't bad!

And gorgeous, according to WWK. Who, as we all know, knows what she's talking about.

Self deprecating, it's an attractive quality in you.

I'm in the no contact team on past history, ie previous boyfriends. Absolutely perfect! I would recommend it to anyone

But I'm. to hearing my own words at the moment.

But absolutely, ladies, Drifting......any humiliation is that which you have within yourself. Let it go. It's ......oh I've forgotten the bloody word.......

Iwas, have you started a new thread?

I'm going to go to bed soon, lovely people. I'm knackered. And I know I'm fit for nothing when I'm still sitting in my coat 5 hours after I got in from work.

I'm turning into a batty woman

Night all. Xxxx

I thought I had hurt your feelings, I wouldn't do that for the world! We are all fragile enough at the moment, thank you for your kind words and reassurance..sleep well tonight Izzie, and everyone else. Xx

Oh Izzie! Sorry you have had such a rough time. Pleased you are feeling a bit better this evening and that you seem to have made a bit of progress with the car.

I will have contact with my husband as long as it isn't detrimental to me or the children. If my husband behaves in the way that yours seems to a lot of the time I would seriously think about not having contact with him. Contact is okay if it can be civil or serves a purpose, but if upsets and angers you does it benefit you?

I hope you manage to have a good sleep tonight. Look after yourself x

Sakura welcome. I am sorry you are in the same position as all of us. I hope it manages to stay amicable for you.

I felt, and sometimes still do feel humiliated by his behaviour but I like Family's analysis of it - that no one has ever said 'oh you must be so embarrassed'. Tonight I learnt that 42% of marriages in the UK end in divorce, so really nearly half of the population must walk around in shame?

I think we've moved on from the Victorian ages (may be wrong about this) so I'm refusing to feel ashamed about it these days.

I do think, sometimes, you can go too far with the 'No Contact' thing though, especially if your name is Mr SW and you've been ordered to communicate some things...

...but unless a judge hoikes his judgy pants, then I do think NC helps you recover quicker.

Green pleased you are feeling okay today and good that you have sorted out your arrangements for Thursday. Keep reading the positive quotes. If you need some reading when you are recuperating there's a quote thread on Mumsnet Classics called "Best Mantras To Keep You Hanging On When Things Are Shit" which has got some great quotes on it.

Well done on changing a light switch, a new career as an electrician beckons! I would have had to get a man in. I know it's difficult especially with having the accountants letter about the tax bill, but try to not let him upset you these next few days. You have far more important things to think about - yourself.

WWK you are very insightful and talk an awful lot of sense. Noticed that you have mentioned on your thread that your ex is reading it! I bet his ears were burning.

Catsrus pleased you have delurked and that you are doing well. Such a shame that the grass wasn't greener for your ex!

Wise words Hobbit, or should that be gorgeous!

Familyofthree I know I felt humiliated to start with, but whenever you hear of someone else in the same situation who says they feel humiliated you just want to say that you have nothing to feel humiliated about so I guess it applies to me too and thus you and everyone on here. Or as you put it far more succinctly than me "it's in our heads".

Izzie yes I started a new thread yesterday - getting over unfaithful DH. DH is either short for dear husband or dickhead, I think I know which one is more apt!

I can see myself in so many of your comments on here. Especially the 'man I married no longer exists' - or does he?

My counseller has picked up on things that indicated he has always had these issues it's just that I've always complied. Once I found out about his sordid little affair his cover was blown and the gloves came off - he was out to destroy me for daring to challenge him.

He continues to use my children as weapons and our court date is next week.

In my counselling group this morning I looked around and we were all normal - you wouldn't pick these woman out in Tesco for being single mums/divorces/ etc etc. Although when I think of myself I have that stamped on my head.

I also agree with many of your comments about the OW - I could never do that to someone - I know his OW has a child but he will not tell me much more - apart from her Facebook picture portrays her just as I would imagine a 37 year old moral free tart would look like! I've also been told that he may actually be two timing her - now that would be hysterical!

He's currently enjoying going to the gym, swimming and other pursuits - bloody hell he never did anything when he was with us. He never wanted to take the children anywhere - he used to deposit them at my mums and said he needed time off? His 'rest days' were for him no-one else. So if he does get them for longer than two hours what on earth is he going to do or say to them?

Sorry shouldn't be still sitting here at silly o'clock but got a further solicitors meeting in the morning and just can't sleep.

In an ideal world he would just melt away and leave me to bring up the children as I actually have done as he has had very little involvement.

He recently told me that the house was his and all the contents was his - I don't actually own anything? What f ing planet is he on?

Hey WhyMe, good to 'see' you again! Oh, so your 'Master of the Universe' is keeping to stereotype, is he? What is the court case? SM/FDA/Contact?

You're changing from "I love this bastard" to "I wish he would just drop down dead" which is real progress, I think.

Hopefully, your solicitor will be sneery with his latest pontification! Mine tried to start on Chattels on the Friday before court on the Monday. I have proved to court this has been dealt with appropriately...

...I do regret not pissing all over his clothes nowadays, and using some of his remaining paperwork to wipe my bottom with, but that was in the mad bad days when I was a snotty mess trying to be dignified!

Was it you who dumped the Tuna in the vacuum?

Iwas I disagree with your comments re my ex. I've explained re the finances issue. He has been supportive in a number of ways and he is respectful of my position re the house in that he won't come over unless agreed and he acts as a guest, meaning he doesn't make himself at home. His stuff with the bitch yes of course the deceit etc etc I don't for one minute defend him. But as for the rest of it he will go out of his way to help me. There are huge pressures on his time. Work has always taken up a lot of our time. It now seems to have reached ridiculous levels 7 days a week dawn till midnight. I can see it's taking its toll on him and he's very much on edge. It doesn't seem to take much at the moment to wind him up. He's normally a very calm person. When he loses his rag it means he's getting close to losing it. The day he left me I had started goading him. He was starting to shout back saying stop it. I didn't. He walked out. I've asked him since when did he actually decide that he would leave the marriage. He said it wasn't planned. It just snapped that day. I think he's basically in a bloody mess. If I didn't wind him up I wouldn't get the shitty reactions. And I'm not taking responsibility by saying that. I will do as I please. I'm just stating the fact that I more than anyone can push him too far and can see the wheels coming off.

I blame him for plenty. The post sounds like I absolve him. I don't. I feel very angry about all sorts with him. I can't elaborate now as I'm doing this in work

Izzie I am sorry if I upset or offended you, that was the last thing I meant to do. I totally understand why you have contact with your ex I wasn't querying your reasons. He just seems to have really upset and angered you quite a lot recently when you have had contact and I just wondered if not receiving shitty emails from him might help you.

I am sure you know how to handle him and what level of contact is best for you. I was just worried about you as he seemed to really upset you when you heard from him. Sorry x

Whyme comments. I think the fundamental character traits are there from the start. To explain by example. My ex reluctant to discuss emotional issues. I need to discuss I'm fiery. He's calm. Early days of relationship we compromised and found a way of dealing. Then as life and kids come those compromises and ways if dealing get forgotten. And gradually unless someone takes stock and says stop! Let's go back to how we used to resolve things....... Unless that happens, both sides become more entrenched and extreme in their traits.

The extreme at the end was stonewalling by him. And shouting and goading by me

Iwas you have nothing to apologise for. I can't write more at mo as I'm supposed to be doing something else now but NO apology needed. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Whyme, his actions are despicable, if I could make him disappear for you I would in a heartbeat!

Ha ha, 37 year old moral free tart! That made me giggle, my words would have been slightly stronger worded, but you are a much nicer lady than I am. ...

What goes around comes around, karma is a bitch, and a faithless man is always a faithless man, she is welcome to him now, if he would only leave you alone :(
to raise your children in peace, I'm sure you now feel much better without him, and your home a calmer haven for your lovely family .

My fool of a stbxh, under the guise of 'depression ' , started a big get fit campaign, now it was time to do things for 'him', how he put other peoples needs before his own, (? I don't remember that! ) and now it was 'me time'

What a load of bollocks that was, it was just an excuse to go cycling all the time, and meet up with bitchface. It is just the typical MLC script they follow, but he fooled me into thinking he really was unwell.

I am sorry you haven't been sleeping, we can all sympathise with you on that front, but it must be doubly hard when you have young children.

Sending you a very big hug, and a very good outcome from your hearing this week, I can only imagine how anxious you must feel.

Stay strong, xxx

I decree that I shall now be known as gorgeoushobbit, and henceforthwith,and all that malarkey, my loyal,subjects on this thread shall call me so, in Hobbitland and far and wide, ( well on Mumsnet :))

Hee Hee, thanks WWK, for your decree, you have plenty of experience of those from Mr Snowy Whitey.

Think I've lost the plot, ladies and gentleman, ....