Rape? Or am I just an idiot? Or both? (may be graphic)

[bringoutyourdead]

NC. Hope it works. Apologies for typos etc haven't slept, probably still under the influence and freezing cold fingers.

I probably haven't posted in the right place but I post quite a bit in relationships and know people are straight forward and/or supportive if necessary.

I went out for my work Xmas do last night. I drank quite a lot. I was supposed to stay at a friends but didn't. I went with a strange man (boy? Man? He was probably younger than me). I dont remember how I got talking to him or where or why. I just remember being in a taxi with him, and a friend calling and me explaining I wouldn't be going to the other friends with them. Anyway we ended up at a house (not his by what he said?) and having sex. It was not the drunk casual sex I had planned or like. Basically we had anal sex. I am agreeable to it sometimes but it's the sort of thing I "reserve" for LTRs when there's trust etc. I remember hitting him quite a few times for hurting me (like hits to the body) and saying "ow" etc. He was asking questions like is that good (in the "sexy" not caring way)....and I was saying no. But I never said "dont have sex with me" i dont think.

I stayed and was sick a lot in the night. I left a few things there (because they were covered in my sick anyway) and snuck out in the morning. I didn't have any cash with me so couldn't get home. I knew roughly where I was and after walking for about an hour found a cash machine and a bus stop.

I'm home now and safe but in some pain. I noticed after that he had used baby oil as a lube (pretty sure that affects condoms?) so pain wise it could be worse. I have burns on my knees presumably from carpet. I was sort of led face down on it in a living room.

I dont even know why I'm posting now that I've told "the story". I feel really confused about what happened. I think he took advantage a bit and that's making me angry. I'm so angry at myself, though. Is what happened rape, or me being an idiot? A work friend text to check I was ok. I didn't know what to say, can't exactly explain.

I don't know what I want. Someone to tell me I haven't done anything wrong and I'll forget about it soon enough. But I know I've been a dick and it's going to play on my mind

I can totally understand why you don't want to go to the police. I think people have been supportive in encouraging you to do so, but I think the reality is that victims are very often let down, and I personally think it's something you need to be 100 % sure about and be willing to be very pushy about, etc. Otherwise it can just end up traumatising you more.

Even if you feel fine, I would strongly suggest talking to someone just to work it out in your head. It can save you a lot of trouble down the road. Sometimes you think it's fine and it's only much later that it becomes a problem.

I'm not sure I would tell your date this week. He would have to be a very, very cool guy to be supportive in this situation, and if he's not, it will just make you feel worse. If you are worried about having sex with him then better to say you're sick and cancel til next week.

You definitely need to talk to people but you should try to pick people you know will be supportive, which is why professionals are a good option.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I won't tell the guy. I am going to go on the date but say we can't have sex because of my contraception. It's a half truth. I don't trust just condoms and my contraceptive implant is due to be taken out in a couple of weeks. If I say it's "overdue" already he'll be none the wiser and I can carry that "line" on until I've got the all clear.
I'm not worried about having sex with him emotionally wise, I just don't want to put his health at risk.

I would 100% not be willing to be pushy with the Police. I have seen rape trials, and how the cross examination plays out for the women. I can see exactly how the "drunk promiscuous, she just regrets it" narrative would play out. I don't want that.

I was quite upset and shocked yesterday. I feel okay today. I don't think I'm upset about what's happened but more the fact I'm confused about it. What it was, etc. I am going to read my posts back later and write things down as once I am less confused I feel I'll be happier. I have thought a bit though and I do accept now completely that any normal bloke would have stopped. Also I don't think he would have stopped even if I asked. That somehow makes me feel better. Because it means that there was nothing I could have done.
Overall though I feel quite normal.

If you are worried health-wise, get some information when you get tested -- my understanding is that you can be exposed to HIV but it won't show up in the test for months, so ask for some advice on that.

I think the weird thing about these traumatic events is that sometimes afterwards you do in fact feel quite normal. They can be written about as these kind of earthquakes that destroy your life but sometimes it's just like, well, life goes on and there's nothing I can do about it and so things just feel normal.

But I would still go talk to someone, just to have the support in place in case things bother you down the road. What I found was that I was fine for a few months and then the first time I got really upset about something else, all of a sudden I really freaked out about it (still don't why). So can't hurt to just have that available if you need it.

Don't want to be the voice of doom here, but feeling normal can be a defence mechanism. It could be that months or even years later these events may have an impact on you. Sometimes when we are in happy, safe relationships it all comes flooding back in.

Not to say it will, but just be mindful that it would be a normal reaction. Help / support / counselling will still be available if down the track you feel you need it.

Glad you are feeling okay, and you are absolutely right that you could not have prevented it. You were vulnerable, you tried, he did not stop.

Hey sweetheart. Hope you're feeling chirpier. You don't have to have the police come to your house, they can meet you at ANY house (friends/your mums?) or you can go to any police station, but bare in mind you'll have to tell the Plod behind the counter - but you can still ask for a woman PC to talk to if you prefer.

I really do urge you to go ASAP lovely, as if you kiss this other guy (have a fab & safe date btw), precious DNA evidence could be lost. They only ask for a mouth swab I believe.

What's great about getting a DNA swap is that they check it against all other DNA on their system. If another poor lady has reported this bastard it will flag up on the system.

Please don't feel the police will judge you for drinking and sleeping with someone, they won't!! Also the copper could lose their job if they did. The important thing is he's very very much in the wrong.

If this guy was drunk or not, what he did was unacceptable.

Take extra special care of yourself please!

Penny x

OP do you mind me asking why you put in your title. 'am i an idiot'?
what made you think that in this situation?

OP I read your first post and a few responses but didn't want to read the rest. I hope you are OK.

Similar thing happened to me 8 years ago and im still debating what it was. Much older man, maybe 20 years plus came round to help me rehearse for a play. I had some wine. Ran out. He went out and got me some more. I drank it. Then my memory gives in. I think I gave him a BJ and I think we had anal but I am not sure. He came round the next day to ask whether I would tell the managers of this play, when I questioned what happened he refused to tell me, so I keep thinking I was just stupid for getting drunk but it does haunt me. I don't trust people very well.

I hope you resolve this better than I did, and that you're feeling a bit better.

snoop when I wrote it I was very tired and confused and still quite disoriented (hungover) but I didn't mean I had acted idiotically. I meant am I an idiot to think it's rape, I think. Am I over reacting?

I have tried to keep busy today but have had a few wobbles. Unfortunately my university work is in a field that means I have had to be thinking about...things along these lines....whilst working. That is why I mentioned earlier that it could potentially affect academic work, if I did start to struggle with what happened.

I also had some more memories come back to me. I remember telling him to fuck off. I think it was either immediately after we finished- I got dressed (literally straight away) and told him to fuck off. I was mad at what happened. Or it was one of the times he asked me how much I liked it. I don't know why I don't know which time I said it but I remember saying it in response to one of those. I am going to write things down before bed.

I should do work tomorrow but I am going to see a sibling instead. The kids will be at school so I may be in a position to tell them (sibling not the kids!). I am a little worried as it feels like "burdening". On the one hand they will support me because we are close and they have actually been the victim of more than one sex offence (of sort). On the other hand because they have gone through that perhaps it will trigger things for them? They had counselling at the time and other support and it was a long time ago but I would hate to make them feel worse!
I would be much more confident asking for professional help with their support, though. For example I suffer a little with anxiety anyway so I don't like to speak on the phone with new people if I am feeling a little tetchy. Understandably I do feel a bit like that, though my anxiety has been wellish controlled for a while.

It sounds to me as though your drink was spiked. I remember a group of uni chaos in a club once who put sticks in drinks with the label " you could have been spiked" as a warning to people leaving their drinks or not paying attention. They did both sexes.

My drink was spiked once at a work party. He took me home. Luckily the concierge said " hey, who are you? You're not her boyfriend" and chucked him out- he was holding me up, apparently. And was very nasty about being stopped- I have no memory of this bit. The concierge helped me to my flat and called for help. Took me 24 hrs to wake up properly.

Sounds totally awful, your experience. Write it down, and don't blame yourself. There are some awful people out there.

Uni chaos? Uni students!

Sorry x posted there. Alsoice thank you for sharing. It's possibly not the right or nice thing to say but whilst it makes me very angry that this happens to so many people, or similiar, it also makes me feel less alone and to blame.

Thank you myempire I had heard of the "protocol" (as it were?) but not where or how you get the evidence...sorted out? I'll look into it tomorrow. I shall have to decide then really because I noticed a few people saying things need to be done within 4 days and it was early Sunday morning so early Thurs would be the latest and I have cancelled my plans for tomorrow evening but not Wednesday.

I am so grateful to everyone who has replied.

I am a little more open to considering that I was spiked, also. I don't think I was but it feels like less of an impossibility. I have my memory up until we were about to leave, it seems, and only once he arrived (or whatever?) does it leave me, I think. Strange. But it could be a coincidence as I had drank a lot and it could have just caught up with me suddenly and I am prone to black outs if I drink a lot. So odds are still against it.
Could they still test me (say, Wednesday?) for drugs, does anyone know? Because if I was spiked that would change things for me a lot. Really though everything is consistent with alcohol intoxication.

The NHS drink spiking page says most drugs leave the body within 72 hours of being taken (the date rape drug GHB leaves the body within 12 hours). Some other sites say 60 hours for Rohypnol.

I've been watching this thread today, you've had some great advice and unfortunately, in and among, some utter bollocks.

There will always be idiots wanting to make it your fault. But they are idiots, so ignore them.

Not really sure what I'm trying to say, there are wiser and more articulate mns than me. Just wanted to add my support in.

I too strongly urge you to please go and get tested today. You can decide what, if anything, you want to do about it later, but if you go today at least you will have more of the facts and possibly evidence.

Also, it was rape. It was certainly not your fault. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I may go this evening. I looked it up and there is one about half an hour drive from me. Only thing is that it's in the city centre where there will be no parking and because of Xmas shopping it will be mega busy I expect but hopefully I can make it.

I am constantly flitting between angry at what happened to "it's no big deal". I'm not sure I really want an examination. There'll be no evidence. He wasn't forceful. I've washed. I've been to the toilet. I only have my cardigan (someone washed my other clothes, I wanted to check keep it unwashed) from what I was wearing. But I do want STDs checks. And I would rather go there for them than my local walk in (where I will have to sit around with a bunch of teenagers for ages first and potentially see a nurse I already know so wouldn't actually tell them the circumstances).
Can I just tell them what happened, and have STD checks?

I will have to ring them later and ask I suppose.

Those on this thread who think it was just crap drunk sex, if you were having sex with someone and they told you they didn't like it and even hit you because of what you were doing to them, if you carried on, would you feel like you weren't raping them, would you feel like that was consensual?

I cannot believe some of the comments on this thread.

OP, I really hope you go to the police and I hope that you are ok.

Xx

I cannot believe some of the comments on this thread.

At first, I agreed with Twinkle's comment, "It sounds like an awful experience, but from what you describe it was drunken ill-advised regrettable horrible sex, rather than rape"

It wasn't until OP posted yesterday that I think it sounded like rape.