Rape? Or am I just an idiot? Or both? (may be graphic)

[bringoutyourdead]

NC. Hope it works. Apologies for typos etc haven't slept, probably still under the influence and freezing cold fingers.

I probably haven't posted in the right place but I post quite a bit in relationships and know people are straight forward and/or supportive if necessary.

I went out for my work Xmas do last night. I drank quite a lot. I was supposed to stay at a friends but didn't. I went with a strange man (boy? Man? He was probably younger than me). I dont remember how I got talking to him or where or why. I just remember being in a taxi with him, and a friend calling and me explaining I wouldn't be going to the other friends with them. Anyway we ended up at a house (not his by what he said?) and having sex. It was not the drunk casual sex I had planned or like. Basically we had anal sex. I am agreeable to it sometimes but it's the sort of thing I "reserve" for LTRs when there's trust etc. I remember hitting him quite a few times for hurting me (like hits to the body) and saying "ow" etc. He was asking questions like is that good (in the "sexy" not caring way)....and I was saying no. But I never said "dont have sex with me" i dont think.

I stayed and was sick a lot in the night. I left a few things there (because they were covered in my sick anyway) and snuck out in the morning. I didn't have any cash with me so couldn't get home. I knew roughly where I was and after walking for about an hour found a cash machine and a bus stop.

I'm home now and safe but in some pain. I noticed after that he had used baby oil as a lube (pretty sure that affects condoms?) so pain wise it could be worse. I have burns on my knees presumably from carpet. I was sort of led face down on it in a living room.

I dont even know why I'm posting now that I've told "the story". I feel really confused about what happened. I think he took advantage a bit and that's making me angry. I'm so angry at myself, though. Is what happened rape, or me being an idiot? A work friend text to check I was ok. I didn't know what to say, can't exactly explain.

I don't know what I want. Someone to tell me I haven't done anything wrong and I'll forget about it soon enough. But I know I've been a dick and it's going to play on my mind

I mean, I thought it sounded like rape.

My faith in humanity (and my apologist radar) would be restored if Twinkle came back and said what you just said, Viv.

Sorry, I meant that there might be evidence of you being drugged with something.
It also occurs to me there could be CCTV evidence at the venue where you met him. And there's a taxi driver who knows you got out at one stage because you mistrusted the man travelling with you.

OP I appreciate you not wanting to go to the police with this. I really understand that. But for your own peace of mind I hope you make it to the clinic this afternoon.

Its incredibly dangerousd for people to read a few paragraphs on what is clearly a detressing time for the OP adnd then to say 'its obvious that this is rape' or 'your drink must have been spiked'. Neither of these things are obvious or established facts from the information provided. It would be more helpful to suggest that the OP speaks to someone in confidence who is experienced and impartial and is in a position to provide objective informed guidance than to fire off kneeejerk responses.

The OP is confused as to what happened - I suggest that its a bad idea for people on internet forums to tell her that they definitely know that she has been 'raped'. In fact, only she (adn thhe man involved) knows what happened and so I think its dangerous for other people to try and tell her what happened- to impose their reality on her situation.

Rape is about consent, the lack of consent or the inability to give informed consent AND the whether the accused should reasonably have known that informed consent was not or could not have been provided. I dont think its possibly to determine that from what the OP wrote.
I thni she would be best confiding in someone (if she is able ) who can give her support and help her to come to her own conclusion as to what happened to her, rather than other people who have no relationship to her, telling her what happened.

I am prone to black outs if I drink a lot.
He wasn't forceful.
I don't think I'm upset about what's happened but more the fact I'm confused about it.

I am finding your story a little confusing. Albeit I think you had a very unpleasant experience. I'm finding a few of the comments you make to be a little flippant and confusing.

I really hate it when posters accuse an OP of 'flippancy' as if that somehow invalidates her experience. People are allowed to have differing personalities and to employ coping strategies.

It is not compulsory for OPs to adopt a gloomy or tearful stance, and this board is not a novel to be critiqued for literary style.

My empire - It was obvious from the first post that this was rape.
It wasn't evident to me it was rape from the 1st post at all. I waited a few pages for the op to divulge /remember more of what happened. And there are slight inconsistancies in her story to conclude that this was outright rape.
Its not for you to tell her that what she experienced was rape or that she was drugged.
You are basing that information on what she has chosen to tell or remember. It a very serious accusation which needs to be addressed by a professional not MNers. Very wrong to outright tell a woman to do xyz.

Let me ask you again, middle - how often have you persisted in a sexual activity which your partner hasn't agreed to, is squealing in pain, and is hitting out at you?

It is not compulsory for OPs to adopt a gloomy
I would agree totally. But deciding on two dates the following few days to me is just strange if going through such a confusing and horrendous time.
I think it would be advisable for OP to take time to work through what happened herself. To seek professional help here.

For middleagecrisis: www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/we-believe-you-campaign-rape-myths-busted

if she had mentioned to him 'i like drunk sex' then wouldn't that be confusing for a men

No, it wouldn't. Consent isn't fixed. You can say to someone 'fancy a drunk shag tonight?' - clearly consent - then withdraw that consent at any time.

If men are confused by consent - like, I dunno, Ched Evans was, for example - they have the option not to have sex in the first place until that confusion can be cleared up.

I am aghast that so many posters seem to have absorbed a message that men have the right to have sex just because and that all these confusing consent issues are getting in the way of the poor diddums who just want to have some sexy time.

And 'black and white' rape isn't a special category of offence. It's just rape.