Rape? Or am I just an idiot? Or both? (may be graphic)

[bringoutyourdead]

NC. Hope it works. Apologies for typos etc haven't slept, probably still under the influence and freezing cold fingers.

I probably haven't posted in the right place but I post quite a bit in relationships and know people are straight forward and/or supportive if necessary.

I went out for my work Xmas do last night. I drank quite a lot. I was supposed to stay at a friends but didn't. I went with a strange man (boy? Man? He was probably younger than me). I dont remember how I got talking to him or where or why. I just remember being in a taxi with him, and a friend calling and me explaining I wouldn't be going to the other friends with them. Anyway we ended up at a house (not his by what he said?) and having sex. It was not the drunk casual sex I had planned or like. Basically we had anal sex. I am agreeable to it sometimes but it's the sort of thing I "reserve" for LTRs when there's trust etc. I remember hitting him quite a few times for hurting me (like hits to the body) and saying "ow" etc. He was asking questions like is that good (in the "sexy" not caring way)....and I was saying no. But I never said "dont have sex with me" i dont think.

I stayed and was sick a lot in the night. I left a few things there (because they were covered in my sick anyway) and snuck out in the morning. I didn't have any cash with me so couldn't get home. I knew roughly where I was and after walking for about an hour found a cash machine and a bus stop.

I'm home now and safe but in some pain. I noticed after that he had used baby oil as a lube (pretty sure that affects condoms?) so pain wise it could be worse. I have burns on my knees presumably from carpet. I was sort of led face down on it in a living room.

I dont even know why I'm posting now that I've told "the story". I feel really confused about what happened. I think he took advantage a bit and that's making me angry. I'm so angry at myself, though. Is what happened rape, or me being an idiot? A work friend text to check I was ok. I didn't know what to say, can't exactly explain.

I don't know what I want. Someone to tell me I haven't done anything wrong and I'll forget about it soon enough. But I know I've been a dick and it's going to play on my mind

Oh , I feel so bad for you, what a horrible thing to happen, you were taken advantage of while drunk but I don't think it would be classed as rape really, but it must have been a awful experience for you. I think we have all done things we regretted/made bad choices when drunk , please take care of yourself in the future.

You are wrong, hobbit.

I did write a longer post but lost it.

Hobbit, it's interesting that you have laid blame at OP's door. Your post is very patronising. I assume you have read the full thread and OP's updates?

If you have, What leads you to believe this isn't rape? What makes you think she made a bad choice?

Sorry , I didn't read through the whole thing, just felt so concerned for the OP, want to send love and hugs to make you feel ok, of course it wasn't your fault, what a disgusting waste of air he is, please be kind to yourself, do you have good people around you to take care of you and talk to? X

Hobbit, maybe an apology to the OP for you spouting rape myths on the thread would be better than 'love and hugs'.

OP, I haven't read the whole thread but I wanted to say how sorry I am that you experienced this. And it's very clear, you were raped. I'm also sorry that some posters have judged your experience based on your reactions/choice of words in your posts. It's not the same experience but I know that when I went through ivf/miscarriages, I found it hard to behave as others seemed to expect. I often made jokes at strange times then would weep while watching hollyoaks several months later, followed by one memorable fit of rage when my tights laddered and I sat screaming (literally) at my dh about the state of tesco tights. Our reactions are non linear, we react in a way that helps us at any given time. That's absolutely fine and no one should use it to decide whether they believe you or not.
I hope you can utilise the experience and support here as well as in real life to deal with this horrendous episode.
Please don't judge yourself as "a dick" - you went out, had drinks, went home with a man. All perfectly acceptable, legal behaviours. None of those things gave consent for what followed.

Of course I apologise bringoutyourdead, I should not have commented at all without properly reading and understanding all your thread, i did not mean to infer any blame at all on your part. Thanks alpaca for pointing that out to me , my comments were at fault. Hope you are getting support in RL.

That is a proper apology, hw. Good for you

Thank you for your support hobbit. I had a tutorial today so hinted that something was wrong. I think he may have read between the lines but obviously I didn't say. I managed to give very vague details and not cry and he didn't ask anymore because it was obvious I was uncomfortable. He has offered to help me if I need extensions, etc.

I am disappointed that none of my friends are available (not to tell, just to keep me busy). Busy time of year I suppose.

I shall persevere with work and have not written off contacting Rape Crisis as people have suggested. I would have liked to have gone through Uni for counselling but I don't get the impression they will have anyone specialised like RC I assume do.

I would contact Rape Crisis as soon as possible and arrange counselling through your uni, it might take a while to get an appointment , my son has an eating disorder and he got help through his tutor. Please look after yourself and keep posting on here, you have been through a horrible ordeal.

That was a good apology, hobbit