Rape? Or am I just an idiot? Or both? (may be graphic)

[bringoutyourdead]

NC. Hope it works. Apologies for typos etc haven't slept, probably still under the influence and freezing cold fingers.

I probably haven't posted in the right place but I post quite a bit in relationships and know people are straight forward and/or supportive if necessary.

I went out for my work Xmas do last night. I drank quite a lot. I was supposed to stay at a friends but didn't. I went with a strange man (boy? Man? He was probably younger than me). I dont remember how I got talking to him or where or why. I just remember being in a taxi with him, and a friend calling and me explaining I wouldn't be going to the other friends with them. Anyway we ended up at a house (not his by what he said?) and having sex. It was not the drunk casual sex I had planned or like. Basically we had anal sex. I am agreeable to it sometimes but it's the sort of thing I "reserve" for LTRs when there's trust etc. I remember hitting him quite a few times for hurting me (like hits to the body) and saying "ow" etc. He was asking questions like is that good (in the "sexy" not caring way)....and I was saying no. But I never said "dont have sex with me" i dont think.

I stayed and was sick a lot in the night. I left a few things there (because they were covered in my sick anyway) and snuck out in the morning. I didn't have any cash with me so couldn't get home. I knew roughly where I was and after walking for about an hour found a cash machine and a bus stop.

I'm home now and safe but in some pain. I noticed after that he had used baby oil as a lube (pretty sure that affects condoms?) so pain wise it could be worse. I have burns on my knees presumably from carpet. I was sort of led face down on it in a living room.

I dont even know why I'm posting now that I've told "the story". I feel really confused about what happened. I think he took advantage a bit and that's making me angry. I'm so angry at myself, though. Is what happened rape, or me being an idiot? A work friend text to check I was ok. I didn't know what to say, can't exactly explain.

I don't know what I want. Someone to tell me I haven't done anything wrong and I'll forget about it soon enough. But I know I've been a dick and it's going to play on my mind

I think there are two main things you need to keep telling yourself right now:

1. You didn't do anything wrong and none of this is your fault
2. This guy is an asshole who took advantage of you

If you need to define it more than that, take your time. If you feel you were raped, I believe you. If you're not sure, that's fine too, just give it some time. You should definitely talk to someone at university, there will be someone.

Your life is not a court of law and you don't have to prove anything to anyone. What matters is how you feel and that you get help for what was clearly a terrible experience. Don't think that you can only seek help if it was definitely rape, you can still get help even if you're not sure.

Be kind to yourself. You will feel better soon but it will help if you get some expert advice too.

Ched Evans thought he behaved appropriately. No way he thought he raped that girl. However he is now a convicted rapist. Need I say more ?

The way to change how rapists behave is to prosecute them for it.

"Taking advantage" ... that's what it is, isn't it? Rape.
:(

OP, it is awful what you have been through and I think it is clear that the line of consent was crossed. I had my drink spiked once and my recollection of that night sounds like yours. Either way, what matters now is what you do next and I think you need to find someone to talk to - if you can't approach your GP or friends then ring Rape Crisis or the Samaritans. You may well find it easier to talk to someone you don't know. It won't change what happened but it will change how you come to terms with it in the long term.

I never use the phrase. If I've ever thought about why (not sure I have, tbh,) I'd have said because it relies on a totally outdated set of concepts about chastity, ownership, etc. But it's not that. It's because it means 'rape' or some similarly unpleasant sexual abuse.

YY, OP, I agree with Doris and dreaming that talking support will help with your recovery.

I've been thinking about this thread all day. OP I think you had a horrible sexual experience and I think you should get yourself tested for STDs etc and also get some counselling for dealing with this.

My son is going off to college next year and since he was about 13 I have repeatedly said to him that a drunk woman cannot consent to sex (well maybe when you are in a long term relationship you can but that isn't my concern) so if he has sex with a drunk woman it is non-consensual sex/rape.

From my point of view, the man here should have realised how drunk you were and therefore that you couldn't consent so he raped you.

But there are other possible scenarios - he could have been been drunk too and not realised you didn't want anal. He could have not realised how drunk you were and thought you were consenting. Or he could have known you were very drunk, knew he was going to get sex but figured he had a good chance of getting anal sex where he normally wouldn't and went for it even though he knew you weren't consenting. The last scenario seems quite likely to me.

I'm surprised at the amount of people who think the drink must have been spiked. Maybe it was but alcoholic blackouts are very common.

Horrible no matter what way you put it and please get some support for yourself.

At the risk of being flamed, please also take care of yourself - the only person who will truly look out for you is you. There are a lot of criminals and assholes out there .

Spoke to my OH who is a policeman. Sweetheart, you have been raped. Even if you consented to vaginal sex, the anal is rape.
My OH has asked me to tell you to phone the police (you can ask for a female officer). They'll turn up when you're back from work at your home. You need to do it today. Police can check within 4 days whether your drink had been spiked and any evidence that's on her or in you goes. Please let a female PC talk to you.

Also don't wash any clothes you wore that night.

My OH made the valid point of saying that he could be doing this to many many women - strange thing about the house not being his. Was it really a friend's flat? Did you see other people?

Take courage and know that the police are there to look after you and support you through this.

Massive hug xxxxxx

Sorry for the typos OP. Was in such a hurray to message you after my chat with my OH.
Even the fact that you're not sure if it was rape or not is a strong indicator that something wasn't right that night. Even if this all comes to nothing (with police evidence etc), imagine of you've helped stopped a rapist!

As I said in my post above, evidence goes within 4 days - in and on you.
Second massive hug xxxxxxx

I hope you call the police. I can imagine it's such a tough thing to do, you have my deepest sympathies but I really think you need to.

I think it was rape.

Please talk this through with someone. Rape crisis are good and you can be anonymous if you want to be. Do not blame yourself for this.

How are you feeling today OP? Please listen to Penny.

I find this very disturbing

He kept asking me if I liked that/telling me I liked it "you like that dont you!" and I was saying no it hurts. I think (fuzzy) he kept asking "I SAID you like that dont you?" until I said yes

You do realise that words often mean the exact opposite, the inference here is: I know you don't want this, I know it hurts.

This probably isn't the best place to talk about porn, punishment of women and misogyny, but suffice to say this man didn't care whether you wanted what you got, it seems he probably got more out of knowing he was causing hurt and humiliation. Its punishment. The discourse is this, "I am doing this because you deserve it and you know it, because I am dishing out this thing you deserve, you are to be grateful to me for your redemption" Its a classic discourse of a man who hates women.

This man was under no illusions about what he was doing, so why are we.

Agree with everything mini has said.

mini I agree. It felt like punishment. I know something was very wrong because normally if I was drunk (or sober but especially drunk) and having sex with someone I would be very proactive, etc. Not the sort of person for any passivity. I wouldn't have just led on the floor whilst someone had sex with me.

I feel okay. I feel fine actually. I chose not to go to lectures this morning as I needed the sleep. I will have to pop into the library later though so may be brave and find someone. I'm not sure who I contact or how, though. Maybe I could email someone and they'd arrange an appointment for me.
I know other people said to speak to someone from the counselling team and I do feel like I should tell someone so that it's recorded somewhere somehow, but I feel okay so not sure about counselling.

I don't know what to do about the rest of the week. I have a date tomorrow with an old friend. First date so nothing on the cards physically. I think we were going to the cinema so I might still do that.

I had another date arranged for Wednesday. We've been dating for a few months so have DTD. Given that I won't know about tests etc by then I need to think of a good reason that I'm not up for any sex. If I say no he will 100% take that, but I imagine he'll then be worried about what he's done. I could tell him..he doesn't know anyone I know and I think would be very good about it but it's a bit of a headfuck to have a woman you've only been dating for a few months tell you they might have been sexually assaulted...
I really don't want to cancel as I like him and we were going to do something nice

Thanks penny. Do they have to come to my house? I would prefer to see them somewhere else. I live in a houseshare.
I sort of want to report it so that it's on record that a bloke around X area did something and it might be useful. But I feel a bit of a numpty reporting it then telling them "no I don't want you to actually do anything".

Sorry OP I'm confused, you are dating someone, and were about to start dating another person this week. But still went back with this guy to have sex?

That question is completely irrelevant and does not require an answer.

Millie, you need to educate yourself on what constitutes non-consensual sex. Your advice is at best misguided and at worst rape apology.

That's the situation, yes.

I don't think it's particularly relevant. I mentioned it because I'm now not sure how I feel about seeing them. Or how to avoid explaining. I'm not sure what it changes materially about what happened whether or not I see someone else once every week or two.
Sorry if that seems defensive but perhaps I am inferring a different message to what you intended.

I'm not going to contact the Police and I'm going to try and just put it behind me.

Of course I will be more sensible re drinking from now on. I haven't been that drunk in a long time so it's not a regular thing.

Even if you don't contact the police, please talk to Rape Crisis. You experienced a very traumatic assault and you are unlikely to be able to just put it behind you without a little help. I'd hate for your future to be blighted by a criminal just because you don't feel able to report him to the authorities. Drink responsibly by all means, but don't blame yourself for this.

It seems really, really clear to me that this guy procures drunk women and takes them back to a house which isn't his main residence (so probably married and in an LTR) with the sole purpose of raping them.

You may have consented to PIV sex but it is utterly, utterly clear to me that you didn't consent to anal sex. Remember, consent isn't a 'fixed' thing - you can withdraw consent at any time. Saying you didn't like what was happening, not participating, and hitting the person penetrating you because he was hurting you means you didn't consent.

I don't want to add any pressure, but I hope you do find the strength to talk to the police. It will not be the first time this man has done this.

Please seek some support through uni - they will have very experienced people who can help you with this.

I may be doing the person you're having a relationship with a dis-service here, but I'd be wary of telling him. If he reacts like some posters have done, he won't be any support.

I hope you're OK.

Millie

If you feel it would help you to go on the dates, then go, yes. But I wouldn't try to explain. Men sadly don't cope with being told this sort of thing...it wont make things better for you or change what has happened.

The student union will have the contact details for student counselling service.

You seem a remarkably strong person, but don't underestimate the effects of this and be kind to yourself.

The issie is not your drinking OP, the issue is that you met a rapist..

By all means, reduce your drinking which is something a lot of us should be doing but doing that is no protection as such.

There's so much wrong with your post Millie3030 that I don't know what to say. It saddens me to see so much rape apology.

Really sorry that happened to you OP. What an utter utter shithead he was. It wasn't your fault and it should never have happened.

It would be really good if you could tell someone in real life but be wary - people's reactions can be shit, particularly men - and can make you feel worse.

How are you doing?