Rape? Or am I just an idiot? Or both? (may be graphic)

[bringoutyourdead]

NC. Hope it works. Apologies for typos etc haven't slept, probably still under the influence and freezing cold fingers.

I probably haven't posted in the right place but I post quite a bit in relationships and know people are straight forward and/or supportive if necessary.

I went out for my work Xmas do last night. I drank quite a lot. I was supposed to stay at a friends but didn't. I went with a strange man (boy? Man? He was probably younger than me). I dont remember how I got talking to him or where or why. I just remember being in a taxi with him, and a friend calling and me explaining I wouldn't be going to the other friends with them. Anyway we ended up at a house (not his by what he said?) and having sex. It was not the drunk casual sex I had planned or like. Basically we had anal sex. I am agreeable to it sometimes but it's the sort of thing I "reserve" for LTRs when there's trust etc. I remember hitting him quite a few times for hurting me (like hits to the body) and saying "ow" etc. He was asking questions like is that good (in the "sexy" not caring way)....and I was saying no. But I never said "dont have sex with me" i dont think.

I stayed and was sick a lot in the night. I left a few things there (because they were covered in my sick anyway) and snuck out in the morning. I didn't have any cash with me so couldn't get home. I knew roughly where I was and after walking for about an hour found a cash machine and a bus stop.

I'm home now and safe but in some pain. I noticed after that he had used baby oil as a lube (pretty sure that affects condoms?) so pain wise it could be worse. I have burns on my knees presumably from carpet. I was sort of led face down on it in a living room.

I dont even know why I'm posting now that I've told "the story". I feel really confused about what happened. I think he took advantage a bit and that's making me angry. I'm so angry at myself, though. Is what happened rape, or me being an idiot? A work friend text to check I was ok. I didn't know what to say, can't exactly explain.

I don't know what I want. Someone to tell me I haven't done anything wrong and I'll forget about it soon enough. But I know I've been a dick and it's going to play on my mind

it would be entirely obvious to any decent man that you didn't like what he was doing. And no decent man would want to be having sex with a woman so drunk she is vomiting. No, 'men in general' are not like this. This guy is a louse.

it was sex when you didn't want it. Sexual assault? Rape? Does it matter exactly what we call it? You are a crime victim and that isn't your fault.

please get some help and get yourself checked over. Including for after-effects of drink spiking.

sorry for this awful experience.

You're not an idiot. So you got drunk. That doesn't make you an idiot. Don't accept that this was somehow your fault. Even if you were sober enough to consent to vaginal sex, it sounds pretty clear that you didn't consent to anal. And even if you did, you were actually hitting him trying to make him stop hurting you. How much clearer could you have made it? Even with the alcohol and the shock you were still Clearly communicating that you wanted him off you. Even if he had thought you were consenting to start with, any normal, non-rapist would stop when it was clear you were in pain and not enjoying it, and hitting him to make him stop.
This is not your fault; it's his. Don't add self-blame to this. The 'punishment' for drunkennes in this country is not anal rape. I'm so sorry this happened to you

Twinkle, I think it's a bit of a golden rule, isn't it, that if you are having anal sex with a woman who is too drunk/drugged to speak but she manages to say 'ow' then you should stop because she is indicating it isn't consensual. Don't you agree?

We need to up our expectations of men instead of perpetuating their pathetic excuses.

This. It clearly needs repeating, often.

You were raped OP, no doubt about it. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you & hope that you have RL support to get you through this. Whether or not the man who attacked you would be found guilty if it went to court - I don't know, but you need to see this for what it is and stop blaming yourself (for being too drunk, not being clear enough etc). As someone said upthread, it also sounds a lot like ketamine spiking. Be kind to yourself.

I just really hope bringoutyourdead is ok

I'm worried for you. Are you blaming yourself? Please don't. Please don't lock this away and pretend it never happened because you think it's your fault. It wasn't. It really wasn't. If you do one thing tomorrow, pick up the phone. Call a friend you trust, a helpline or your GP. I think you are in the aftermath, you need support.

The only time I have ever hit out at someone was when being raped.

I'll step away because it's impossible for me not to project on this thread. I just know those feelings of confusion, shame, regret and general disgustingness so well. My experience was very similar and feel distressed for you

And it took me 6 months to piece together what had happened and that it was rape. And a spiked drink too.

Much love

Doesn't sound like a spiked drink to me, having taken ketamin and all sorts of tranquilisers many times.
Sounds like some bad / nasty sex that the OP might want to try and forget about & avoid in the future.

Smashing.

This thread is bringing out some very worrying views.

Indeed

Thanks for your replies. I have been at work. Didn't have the option of not going as I work alone so they'd have to find someone at short notice (the night after our Xmas meal) and it would also look like I was just hungover and being lazy. It kept me busy.

I don't have any friends to tell. I wouldn't trust them not to tell other people. I would rather not tell anyone, being that it won't change things. I may tell someone at university (I imagine they have people for this sort of thing) if it becomes relevant to academic performance, etc, as I have suffered a little with anxiety before and this may complicate things.

Just to clarify...I never said "no dont do that". He kept asking me if I liked that/telling me I liked it "you like that dont you!" and I was saying no it hurts. I think (fuzzy) he kept asking "I SAID you like that dont you?" until I said yes (because no and not speaking was the wrong answer).
Someone asked if we kissed. I noticed I have bruising on my neck consistent with kissing so I suppose the answer was yes (I wasn't sure).

I can't really see my GP as my work (without outting myself) means I know them professionally. I dont like the idea of their staff (who are gossips) being able to see that in my notes.

Yes to the person who pointed out that I was already confused in the cab. He was saying he lived far away, and we were going to his friends. But no one let us in (I don't think?) so it was either open or he had a key. And I was thinking about it and thought it strange that he'd know where his mate kept the baby oil and that his mate wouldn't need his bed (where was he?). I dont really understand why he told that lie though. I kept telling him i didn't believe he lived in the other place (far away) and he was insisting he did. Confusing.

How are you feeling now?

Could you go to a sexual health clinic rather than your GP, if you don't feel comfortable there?

Just to clarify...I never said "no dont do that". He kept asking me if I liked that/telling me I liked it "you like that dont you!" and I was saying no it hurts. I think (fuzzy) he kept asking "I SAID you like that dont you?" until I said yes (because no and not speaking was the wrong answer).

That's very clear cut to me (but then, it was before ).

Oh one more sorry I missed it.

The similiar thing happened once when I was about 10 (??) and again when I was maybe 17. The first thing was a boy penetrating me anally (very briefly) whilst I slept. Well, I woke up. I just stayed silent. He was my ageish and I put this down to just some weird experimentation kids do. The second time I suppose was rape. I was ridiculously drunk (barely speaking, total mess) and a friend (who I'd had casual sex with before) took me back to his. He had sex with me. I only knew in the morning because I was on my period and realised that he had done it with my tampon still in so I couldn't get it out (obviously I did eventually). I would never at the time have had sex on my period. I left quietly when I saw the sheets completely coveted in blood. Never mentioned it to anyone or him. Not reported- no evidence. I may have "consented" but no doubt I was way too drunk to know what the hell I was doing.
So not that similiar but...incidents of advantage-taking maybe.

Glad you got through work ok OP. Have been thinking of you a lot today and been checking back to see how you are.

More may come back to you over the next few days that might clarify further. I too suffer with memory loss when I've had a lot drink and it really is horrible to be oblivious to what's happened and only remember little details.

Again I really would advise you start writing it all down, anything you remember. Might help you piece it together a bit more.

That's rubbish you don't have the option to go to your GP. Trying to think of a way around it. How about going to your local GUM clinic instead or has this same implications for you?

Please don't beat yourself up about what's happened. He definitely took advantage of someone who was far too drunk to know what they were doing. He sounds like a complete arsehole.

Op write down every detail as you remember it. I think all these details will be very impotent in helping you deal with this situation. To me is clearly a rape.

Important not impotent. So sorry for the stupid typos.

I agree probably not the thread for it but I'm so in agreement with what Back2Two said.

To be honest I find it depressing that this is ever a conversation. 'Was I raped?". To me, rape is something that you know, when it happens. Or it should be. But it's a question that comes up quite often, and I'm not sure why. Is it because a lot of women are so used to taking terrible behaviour from men that they don't see it as that big a deal? Is it because we're so fucking worn down that despite knowing we don't want to do something, we don't want to 'cause a fuss' by strongly refusing, so we don't, only to then experience a very real sense of violation when our boundaries are crossed?

The thing is, in a case like this, it sounds, to me, from what you've written, as though the man thought it was consensual. And not because he's a psychopath, but because he's a dick, and he lives in a world where this sort of sex happens a lot, and is seen as ok. And that's a problem. I'm not sure that an otherwise sane man who believes he's behaved more or less appropriately should face a rape charge. But I also don't think it's at all ok for men (or, that anyone, but it's mostly men) to behave like this, and I think a lot of men do. I don't know how to change that, and I wish I did.

I don't know really alpaca. I feel anxious and shit but I would feel like that anyway because I'm hungover and haven't slept.

Mostly I feel okay I think, though. I've had a couple of brief cries reading responses but again hungover and emotional.

Please go seek counselling via uni. It will not need to affect academic performance for you to do this. I work in a uni and we have good support services for anybody needing it.

I'm sorry for what you've been through.

From your recent posts, OP, it has become increasingly obvious that he raped you and he knew that he was raping you. So, so sorry. Do whatever you need to do to help yourself, whatever that might be.

It's odd, isn't it. You have to be very ... grown up, or strong-minded maybe, to know that you've been raped. I seem to think I've read recently that the majority of rape victims don't name it to themselves until weeks/months after the event. I'm sure it's clearer if you've been attacked out of the blue but, as we know, that isn't how most rapes happen. My first PIV sex was a 'date rape' and I was fortunate that the much older women I worked with told me he'd raped me, otherwise I'd have spent years thinking full sex wasn't what it was cracked up to be

All of which is a rambling way of congratulating you on having the presence of mind to ask on here, and to keep posting as it is clear events are now resurfacing in your mind & connecting under the logical label. You must be feeling pretty weird. Don't be worried about calling Rape Crisis at any point; we're making the suggestion because they have so much experience of discussing all sorts of sexual assault/exploitation/abuse. If anyone can help you organise your thoughts around the matter, a trained specialist would be a good bet!

... just to remind you, be kind to yourself

it sounds like an awful whether you consented or not.
look after yourself x