Rape? Or am I just an idiot? Or both? (may be graphic)

[bringoutyourdead]

NC. Hope it works. Apologies for typos etc haven't slept, probably still under the influence and freezing cold fingers.

I probably haven't posted in the right place but I post quite a bit in relationships and know people are straight forward and/or supportive if necessary.

I went out for my work Xmas do last night. I drank quite a lot. I was supposed to stay at a friends but didn't. I went with a strange man (boy? Man? He was probably younger than me). I dont remember how I got talking to him or where or why. I just remember being in a taxi with him, and a friend calling and me explaining I wouldn't be going to the other friends with them. Anyway we ended up at a house (not his by what he said?) and having sex. It was not the drunk casual sex I had planned or like. Basically we had anal sex. I am agreeable to it sometimes but it's the sort of thing I "reserve" for LTRs when there's trust etc. I remember hitting him quite a few times for hurting me (like hits to the body) and saying "ow" etc. He was asking questions like is that good (in the "sexy" not caring way)....and I was saying no. But I never said "dont have sex with me" i dont think.

I stayed and was sick a lot in the night. I left a few things there (because they were covered in my sick anyway) and snuck out in the morning. I didn't have any cash with me so couldn't get home. I knew roughly where I was and after walking for about an hour found a cash machine and a bus stop.

I'm home now and safe but in some pain. I noticed after that he had used baby oil as a lube (pretty sure that affects condoms?) so pain wise it could be worse. I have burns on my knees presumably from carpet. I was sort of led face down on it in a living room.

I dont even know why I'm posting now that I've told "the story". I feel really confused about what happened. I think he took advantage a bit and that's making me angry. I'm so angry at myself, though. Is what happened rape, or me being an idiot? A work friend text to check I was ok. I didn't know what to say, can't exactly explain.

I don't know what I want. Someone to tell me I haven't done anything wrong and I'll forget about it soon enough. But I know I've been a dick and it's going to play on my mind

I really think you need to write down every single detail while, what you can remember, is fresh in your mind. All of your posts have contained a snippet of new information which makes me think it's still all coming back to you. Write it all down and when you read it back it may help you.

You've just said in your last post you thought at one point someone might come out when you were saying no etc? I didn't realise you had said no at any point, this definitely changes things.

Do you have to go to work OP? I suppose not going would get your colleagues talking which by sounds of it you don't want. Is there anyone at work you could confide in?

Rape crisis will understand precisely the emotions and practicalities you are struggling with.

They will not judge, pressure you to report or contact you again unless you want them too.

i know you said you don't feel up to talking to them, not trying to pressurise you. Just thinking of you and wishing I could help.

Do as shadow says and write down every detail you can remember this is certainly rape in my opinion and I think you know it too now all the details are slowly coming back to you,can you remember where you where ? do you know the "person" from Uni/work or is he a friend of a friend ? You really need to speak to someone quickly,and just a reminder even though you have showered do keep the underwear/dress etc you where wearing in a plastic bag in case they are needed. keep safe xx

You must be feeling really awful today :(

I hope you don't have to work too late tonight. Look after yourself.

I'll pop back to see if you are around later on
x

Oh OP what a horrible experience.

You were definitely taken advantage of. It sounds like because you agreed to sex, he thought you were there for him to do what he wanted with, not caring whether you wanted to do what he wanted to do. He didn't care how degrading it was for you.

I had similar (though not anal) after a night out once, and the flashbacks were the worst bit. I truly, truly wished I could have a partial lobotomy so I never had to think about it again. Never got that drunk since, lesson learned the hard way, as usual.

I can't quite believe people are blaming drink, the real fault is with this predatory man who had sex with a woman who was not encouraging, had not consented to anal sex, was in pain, hitting out at him and saying no loudly.

I am sorry OP, I would call that rape.

You were too drunk (or drugged having a drink spiked) to remember who he is, what his name was, what his race is, where you were going, whether you had kissed, whether you had vaginal sex first, whether someone else was in the house and whether he used oil as lube. You think he used oil, you seem to think you may have kissed and you think he probably used a condom. If you were this drunk, you were in no way capable of giving consent.

Even if you had consented to vaginal sex, you were still incapable of giving consent. As it is, it doesn't matter because you hadn't consented to anal sex, and that is rape.

Please forget work for now, it can wait. Ring rape crisis and get some support. You may not want to go through the hell of reporting to the police but you do need to be kind to yourself, get help and have STD checks.

OP, to me it seems very clear that you were raped. Even if the sex had started out consensually and you were sober enough for that consent to be meaningful, you were saying 'no' and hitting out at him because you were in pain. He knew you weren't enjoying/wanting it and he continued.

Please don't blame yourself. You were unlucky to meet such an utter cunt.

This also really alarmed me: 'actually I got out the taxi part way through the journey because I didn't know where we were going, but obviously I got back in'.
So, even before you got to the house, you were clearly confused and didn't understand what was going on.

Do be kind to yourself and contact Rape Crisis or someone you can trust to talk it through in RL.

As per the OP she didn't say no' as in no I don't want to do this, but in reply to the question 'is that good?' she said 'no'.

I think it was a horrible experience of really unpleasant sex. But by her own account she didn't make clear she didn't want to be doing what she was doing, she didn't verbalise it at the time. Saying 'ow' is not the same as saying 'stop'. Some people like a bit of pain during sex.

He may be stupid, he may be shit at sex, he may be an arsehole, but unless he knew she did not want to be doing what she was doing, then I don't think you can call it rape.

I would talk to rape crisis nontheless who are very understanding of all kinds of traumatic sexual experiences.

Twinkle, have you undergone a lobotomy since the last time I saw you post ?

Op, despite your confusion and fractured memory it is clear to me that you were raped. I am very sorry.

It sounds a lot like you were spiked if you were confused, can't remember things and were sick. These sound like the after effects of being spiked with Ketamine which happened to friend of mine. A blood test at docs would show this. Really sorry for you - what's happened sounds so upsetting.

No, I just happen to have a different opinion.

Shit painful ill-advised drunken sex is not non-consensual sex by default.

If someone is incapable of remembering so much, was vomiting and hitting out and saying no, then I would expect that being able to fully and very clearly articulate anything would be difficult. NO is sufficient, as is hitting out, as is being too drunk/drugged to have given meaningful consent and even people who enjoy pain during sex don't usually go "ow". As regards consenting to sexual activity, one can do this and still not have consented to being fucked anally. Unless consent is given, its rape whatever went before.

I just didn't expect it of you, twinkle < shrug >

I think it's a moot point as to whether this was rape or not as clearly the OP feels violated and horrified by what happened.

A few things stand out to me. Firstly OP you have said something similar has happened before? Did you report this? What was the outcome?

OP also seems pretty certain she wasn't spiked, just that she passed a certain point of drinking [I know someone who is literally just needs one more drink to go from being a bit pissed to being off her face / blacking out / incapable of looking after herself - kind of like what the OP describes?]

I don't know what to say, as someone who has put herself in a few very risky and drunken situations over the years, I know how shit you must feel but I am not sure if this is something that you could go to the Police regarding?

I would def speak to a professional though sweetie and also make sure you have some good people around you if you are going to drink again

X

OP, I'm so sorry. I think it is quite clear that you were raped.

You said 'no' you said 'ow' it was clear that you were in pain and that you weren't happy.

You have also said that you don't normally agree to anal sex, apart from during long term relationships, so I am concerned that he didn't have consent at the outset, either.

A lot of people have trouble defining what happened to them as rape because it's such an emotive word.

I think you're struggling because you admit that you have casual sex whilst sober and that you went with him with the intent to have sex.

You also said though that you normally reserve anal for LTR's, so while the sex itself would have been consensual, the anal sex was either non-consensual, or you were so drunk you did something you wouldn't normally do... which in itself could be deemed non-consensual.

You admit you never actually said no, but when he asked if you liked it you did say no. You also struck out at him several times, said "ow" and were crying. You also vomited (before or after I don't recall reading).

Try to stop blaming yourself. It's not that hard to tell when someone has had too much to drink so it's not like this guy didn't know you were drunk. He is a disgusting dirt bag in that regard.

You were definitely taken advantage of but only you know whether it was rape.

Sounds horrible. And also sounds like you are in shock still. Be very very nice and gentle with yourself.

I've had sex where I can't remember bits of the night but it was consensual nonetheless, I've said 'ow' during sex and was still fully consensual. Vomiting because you've drunk doesn't have any bearing on whether the sex beforehand was consenting. I don't think any of those factors negate consent of themselves.

But there's no point arguing over interpretation of events because different posters have analysed them differently. I don't think anyone would disagree that it was an unpleasant experience, and one for which the OP could do with counselling.

That was to MinitheMinx ^