Rape? Or am I just an idiot? Or both? (may be graphic)

[bringoutyourdead]

NC. Hope it works. Apologies for typos etc haven't slept, probably still under the influence and freezing cold fingers.

I probably haven't posted in the right place but I post quite a bit in relationships and know people are straight forward and/or supportive if necessary.

I went out for my work Xmas do last night. I drank quite a lot. I was supposed to stay at a friends but didn't. I went with a strange man (boy? Man? He was probably younger than me). I dont remember how I got talking to him or where or why. I just remember being in a taxi with him, and a friend calling and me explaining I wouldn't be going to the other friends with them. Anyway we ended up at a house (not his by what he said?) and having sex. It was not the drunk casual sex I had planned or like. Basically we had anal sex. I am agreeable to it sometimes but it's the sort of thing I "reserve" for LTRs when there's trust etc. I remember hitting him quite a few times for hurting me (like hits to the body) and saying "ow" etc. He was asking questions like is that good (in the "sexy" not caring way)....and I was saying no. But I never said "dont have sex with me" i dont think.

I stayed and was sick a lot in the night. I left a few things there (because they were covered in my sick anyway) and snuck out in the morning. I didn't have any cash with me so couldn't get home. I knew roughly where I was and after walking for about an hour found a cash machine and a bus stop.

I'm home now and safe but in some pain. I noticed after that he had used baby oil as a lube (pretty sure that affects condoms?) so pain wise it could be worse. I have burns on my knees presumably from carpet. I was sort of led face down on it in a living room.

I dont even know why I'm posting now that I've told "the story". I feel really confused about what happened. I think he took advantage a bit and that's making me angry. I'm so angry at myself, though. Is what happened rape, or me being an idiot? A work friend text to check I was ok. I didn't know what to say, can't exactly explain.

I don't know what I want. Someone to tell me I haven't done anything wrong and I'll forget about it soon enough. But I know I've been a dick and it's going to play on my mind

because anyf, she contradicts herself and that is what I'm finding hard to understand Having sex with someone I don't really know is the sort of thing I would do sober,
As a victim myself I don't want it minimised! Is that clear now?

The only thing that is clear is that you very keen to throw doubt on her story.

Secular history ! OP is a nun after all !

Middle, you are making this far, far too personal. You are attacking the OP and ripping her to shreds through semantics and I don't feel it is, as MN would say, in the spirit of the site.

Saying, 'so for me, I cannot agree with her story' has actually no bearing on whether it was rape or not - it's you saying you don't believe her. The way to deal with that is to report her posts. Not to keep popping up on the thread to restate that position in a myriad of ways.

She asked if it was rape. You believe you can't make a decision on that. Fine, we've heard you. Maybe now's the time to bow out, eh?

Agreed

Yes, agree Empire

Fucking hell MAC, go and sit in the corner eh. You are being fucking awful and there is no fucking need for it. FYI i fully intended on having sex with my rapist the night he raped me and he knew it, because he was my boyfriend and i quite explicitly told him. He still raped me. I also kept dating him for a while, then went on to have other relationships where i refused to let my romantic or sexual interactions be ruined by him. Sorry i wasnt a good enough victim for you, but frankly, your opinion on the matter means fuck all to me, and hopefully it means fuck all to the OP too.

Bring your experience has some strong similarities to my rape, im sorry you experienced this and i hope you are ok. Do whatever you feel you need to in order to move forward, but know that there is no right or wrong way to feel or react.

Yes Empire, they think there are "real" victims then thoses who were raped as punishment for failing to follow the rules. So, you like casual sex? Nope, not "real" rape. You were drunk? Not "real". You werent traumitised to a suitable level? Not "real".
Rape victims of any sort of rape, having followed the "rules" or not, dont need that sort of sympathy.

I'm an elderly woman with no experience of rape, and no agenda.

I believe you OP, totally.

On telling "imperfect" rape stories: ending victimisation and blame

I confess to finding it hugely disappointing and distressing that on MN, in the Relationships (ie generally supportive and enlightened) topic that this thread has had so many unsupportive posts.

If this represent the views of society at large (or more worryingly a forum that should better understand what constitutes sexual assault and rape than an "average" sub set of the population) then quite frankly there is a HUGE amount of re-education required.

I very much love the grounded, rational posters here for arguing, with strength and consistency, against the indignant prejudice of those who will not call a rape a rape. It matters. You are such a poster, OP.

I think it can only be because those posts have been effectively dealt with by other respondents such as yourself MEOD. There is one deletion way upthread of middle's, plus peggy's "fault on both sides" bollocks has been zapped.

I can see how sometimes leaving posts to stand can be the right thing to do, this board being mainly self moderating. Don't forget about the lurkers out there !

Indeed