Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

exp is taking me to court....again

249 replies

attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 10:51

..or so he keeps saying Angry

ever since I was pregnant, any time we have a disagreement this is what he throws at me, and it is stressing me out no end!

backstory...discovered I was pregnant in 2010 (unplanned) whilst still together with exp, then several months later discovered he had been with his ex girlfriend the entirety of our relationship (about a year). we were due to move in together before I found this out, then a day or two beforehand he said he wouldn't be moving in with me anymore and that I would need to find alternative accommodation (I had already given up my flat). and that the relationship was over

so fast forward a few months to me being heavily pregnant, we met for a coffee to discuss the arrangements for when ds is born. he said to me things like, as soon as ds is born I will be having him every weekend and if that doesn't happen I will be taking you to court etc etc. at the time I was 24, very vulnerable and naive, and was easily bullied by him Sad he was 33 at the time and I was probably a little intimidated.

he continued to make my life difficult by refusing to pay any child maintenance until ds was 3months old because 'you're breastfeeding, he doesn't cost you any money' and continued to tell me that if I dare go to csa, he will quit his job to make sure I never ever get a single penny from him (this guy has since quit his very well paid job as he has about 7 flats that he rents out)

thank you for reading this far. anyway the situation now is that he wants ds this year for Christmas. when ds was weeks old we agreed that I would have him every Christmas eve into Christmas day then he would have him boxing day onwards for about four days. since then he has changed his mind and demanded that he has him one year before he turns 7 (as apparently that's when all children stop believing in Santa Hmm ) so I agreed. about a month ago it was agreed that he would get him boxing day and ny this year then Christmas eve/day next year.

However now he is no longer happy with that and has told that he is having him this year whether I like it or not Shock and if I don't agree, it will be done through lawyers and is deadly serious

I think this has been brought on partly because I have recently moved in with dp and I sense some jealousy there but who knows

so I'm meeting him tomorrow to collect ds and absolutely dreading it.

any lawyers out there or anyone with experience of how this would work? I'm guessing it would never get to court as quite frankly that's a bit ridiculous isn't it? he sees ds every single week, and has him every single Fri and Sat night. I travel the 40 odd miles every Sunday to collect ds from him. I'm hardly unreasonable. but is there some sort of court order he could get or legal contract to say when and which year etc he will get ds at Christmas and days of the week for overnight stays etc? I actually fear that he won't give ds back to me the weekend before Christmas. he is dead set on having him even though that wasn't our agreement Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/12/2014 13:51

I would tell him by email, it's not fair to have that sort of scene in front of your ds IMHO.

pertempsnooo · 28/12/2014 14:03

Reading and sympathising OP.
I ended up in court for 3 years with my exp. He also ditched his job for CSA reasons and went off the rails massively.
Don't be intimidated by court. You should get a free consultation with a solicitor ASAP. As another poster suggested ask women's aid for recommendations. Women's aid are a great source of information and advice generally. He is being abusive and manipulative.
I wish I hadn't spent so much of my life in court and being intimidated by the official letters and horrible lies my exp told them. I wish I had moved as far away from him as possible, he will never get better. The main catalyst was my finding a new partner who I was happy with. You are going to have to make firm boundaries now.

pertempsnooo · 28/12/2014 14:08

Oh and a court order is just a piece of paper with an agreement on it. It could work massively in your favour. Especially since normal contact is fortnightly.
Judges don't wear all the fancy dress in family court. It's all like a recorded meeting in an office.
Keep any evidence of negative communications.

Bridezilla3521 · 28/12/2014 14:28

Sorry haven't read all of the thread but one thing comes to mind when he says he won't/can't pay you a penny, but then he wants your ds 50/50 - how is he planning on feeding/looking after ds?? If he can't afford to pay you?

3littlefrogs · 28/12/2014 14:38

I think that meeting him to talk is not a good idea if you are this nervous.
I would communicate by text or email only - and save everything.
Just say that for financial reasons you cannot do any travelling to facilitate contact. As he does not pay you any maintenance you cannot afford it.

pertempsnooo · 28/12/2014 14:57

Yes, face to face meeting to chat isn't a great idea. Letters by mail are best as emails can so easily escalate. Sorry if this seems OTT but it's shocking how quickly things can get really unpleasant and your situation has potential to become a nightmare. Hopefully it won't, just offering general tips from bitter experience!

Wonc · 29/12/2014 04:09

OP your thread is so disturbing Sad
Please don't let him threaten you with 50/50 because he already has it!
He is a bully and I think the time has come where you must stand up to him. You will need support though - please call Women's Aid.

Cerisier · 29/12/2014 04:38

OP I have caught up with your thread and am wishing you strength for the coming months. Women's Aid for a recommendation of a lawyer and getting everything written down for the lawyer so you don't forget any details would be my advice.

Don't be put off court by the prospect of having to pay as you will massively regret that when bullying ex continues to play dirty, which he will.

I would contact the ex's brother and get it confirmed that he didn't expect the money to be repaid. That would then be one less thing to worry about.

CheerfulYank · 29/12/2014 05:41

I have to echo Journey. Bullying twat. Angry

So sorry you're going through this, it's so unfair.

50ShadesofGreyMatter · 29/12/2014 06:10

If you say you can't afford to do pick ups he'll take that as you will be able to afford to if he pays you at all, but isn't it his responsibility to collect and return the child for contact?
Just say you will no longer be doing it. You do not have to explain your reasons to him.

badbaldingballerina123 · 29/12/2014 06:13

Op I cannot understand why you are facilitating contact and driving around like his skivvy taking orders from him. I'm not being awful but I'm not surprised your dp is getting fed up. You've had excellent advice on here and I'm not sure why you haven't taken it. It's simple , contact csa , stop doing the drop offs, if he wants contact he will have to go via the court. But a father who can't be bothered to pick up seems an unlikely candidate for spending thousands on solicitors. And even if he does its a positive thing for you.

In your partners shoes I don't think I could cope with this being a long term issue in my life. Your going to have to deal with it properly . Everyone on here has told you what to do , many have had a similar experience. If you sought out professional advice it would be similar.

Your doing an awful lot of presuming and catastrophizing. You PRESUME he won't have to pay csa. You PRESUME he will go to court and that he will get 50 / 50. How on earth is he going to get 50/ 50 when your son is at nursery and he won't travel to collect him ?

There is no valid reason to continue this. Contact csa. Email xp once stating that as he isn't willing to collect ds and regularly changes arrangements you feel it's in everyone's best interest if you have an official agreement for contact. Tell him because he is abusive your not willing to communicate further and any further contact will happen via a solicitor.

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 29/12/2014 15:22

I couldn't get through to women's aid, it rang out several times and went to voicemail but I will try again later or tomorrow

I called csa and the application is in

I called a local lawyer who I now have an appointment with a week today, I'm hoping I can get a babysitter. and the lady I spoke to said I would be eligible for legal aid if I earn less than 285per week, which I definitely do! so that is a nice surprise!

of course now that exp has quit his job I bet he will also go down the legal aid route too Angry

but this is it, the first steps to putting him in his place.

it's going to be a long and stressful few months, but glad I have mumsnet to offload and get help and advice from, otherwise I would probably crumble! Thank you everyone Thanks

OP posts:
Twinklebells · 29/12/2014 16:30

He won't get legal aid will he. You only get it if there has been abuse - it doesn't go on income any more.

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 29/12/2014 16:57

that's what I thought twinkle. it was all over the news about the change of law for legal aid a while back, which I explained to the lady that I spoke to, yet she had never heard of those changesConfused and said so long as I earn under 285pw I'll qualify. perhaps that change of law applies to England only? hmmm...

OP posts:
Twinklebells · 29/12/2014 17:15

oh yep maybe so - either way fab you are getting advice and about the maintenance. Both huge positive steps so well done indeed.

Justwanttomoveon · 29/12/2014 17:36

Well done, time to take control and stop him calling the shots, go you!

Wonc · 29/12/2014 22:58

Flowers you are stronger than he thinks!

3teenageboys · 30/12/2014 10:35

You have been in my thoughts, so pleased you are taking control. Would give you a bunch of flowers but I can't do the emoticon thing, so here is a big hug

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))!

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 01/01/2015 23:15

the dreaded email has been sent, and I now feel wonderful

like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I feel free almost, knowing that I won't have to deal with him anymore, it will be his lawyer I deal with, which now doesn't bother me Smile it feels so good

and it was all because I posted this here in the first place, got so much great advice and I must admit I did plagiarize a few words from this thread as they were genius Grin

so all that left to say is that I love, love love mumsnet. I will no doubt be back on looking for more advice/words of wisdom from those who have experienced similar, when the lawyers letters come through, but that's just fine. Happy New year mumsnetters Smile thanks again

OP posts:
YonicSleighdriver · 01/01/2015 23:31

Well done!

Shamazeballs · 01/01/2015 23:50

Well done. I hope the bullying twat gets everything coming to him in 2015.

3teenageboys · 02/01/2015 00:02

Happy New Year to you & yours, have a wonderful 2015 & may the exP be well & truly shafted!!!!

NettleTea · 02/01/2015 00:08

well done. I must admit that when my ex threatened to take me to court I called his bluff and pulled in a solicitor of my own.
Strangely it had only been a threat to get me to do what he wanted regarding contact.
And even more strangely, when the solicitor heard about all the crap he had been putting me through, she told me to stop contact and let him take me to sort it out.
4 years later he finally did, but only as an afterthought to my taking out a prohibitive steps order. He couldnt be bothered to before that.
And recently he has stopped bothering to see her again, not even a word for Christmas

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/01/2015 18:02

ok so the lawyers email has came through

it says that I cannot enrol DS to school without exps consent, really? it also says that exp wants DS three days one week, then four days the following on an alternating basis. he wants him alternate Christmas, alternate birthdays, and for half of the school holidays. if I agree to this, he will continue to pay child maintenance as a gesture of goodwill ShockAngry wtf! that he will not be made to pay cm through cms as he will have shared care. and on top of that, he will also pay for DS to go to private school. the closest private school to me is 20 miles away, and I personally don't want him to go to private school.

help! I'm feeling pretty deflated.

if I don't agree to all that, cm will not be paid (surprise surprise) and court action will ensue.

I had an appointment with a lawyer on yesterday. but turns out I'm not entitled to legal aid as they take dps income into account too. not sure why I didn't already think of that, head is up my backside clearly. but I'll just need to try and get a lawyer with a free 30min consultation.
(when I called over the holidays, None of the ones offereing free consultation were open) I really don't think we can afford lawyers fees Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/01/2015 18:09

I'm in Scotland, if that makes a difference, as there will be differing laws

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread