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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

exp is taking me to court....again

249 replies

attheendofmyteatheragain · 06/12/2014 10:51

..or so he keeps saying Angry

ever since I was pregnant, any time we have a disagreement this is what he throws at me, and it is stressing me out no end!

backstory...discovered I was pregnant in 2010 (unplanned) whilst still together with exp, then several months later discovered he had been with his ex girlfriend the entirety of our relationship (about a year). we were due to move in together before I found this out, then a day or two beforehand he said he wouldn't be moving in with me anymore and that I would need to find alternative accommodation (I had already given up my flat). and that the relationship was over

so fast forward a few months to me being heavily pregnant, we met for a coffee to discuss the arrangements for when ds is born. he said to me things like, as soon as ds is born I will be having him every weekend and if that doesn't happen I will be taking you to court etc etc. at the time I was 24, very vulnerable and naive, and was easily bullied by him Sad he was 33 at the time and I was probably a little intimidated.

he continued to make my life difficult by refusing to pay any child maintenance until ds was 3months old because 'you're breastfeeding, he doesn't cost you any money' and continued to tell me that if I dare go to csa, he will quit his job to make sure I never ever get a single penny from him (this guy has since quit his very well paid job as he has about 7 flats that he rents out)

thank you for reading this far. anyway the situation now is that he wants ds this year for Christmas. when ds was weeks old we agreed that I would have him every Christmas eve into Christmas day then he would have him boxing day onwards for about four days. since then he has changed his mind and demanded that he has him one year before he turns 7 (as apparently that's when all children stop believing in Santa Hmm ) so I agreed. about a month ago it was agreed that he would get him boxing day and ny this year then Christmas eve/day next year.

However now he is no longer happy with that and has told that he is having him this year whether I like it or not Shock and if I don't agree, it will be done through lawyers and is deadly serious

I think this has been brought on partly because I have recently moved in with dp and I sense some jealousy there but who knows

so I'm meeting him tomorrow to collect ds and absolutely dreading it.

any lawyers out there or anyone with experience of how this would work? I'm guessing it would never get to court as quite frankly that's a bit ridiculous isn't it? he sees ds every single week, and has him every single Fri and Sat night. I travel the 40 odd miles every Sunday to collect ds from him. I'm hardly unreasonable. but is there some sort of court order he could get or legal contract to say when and which year etc he will get ds at Christmas and days of the week for overnight stays etc? I actually fear that he won't give ds back to me the weekend before Christmas. he is dead set on having him even though that wasn't our agreement Sad

OP posts:
Justwanttomoveon · 27/12/2014 19:12

I'll be fine. I know what you mean about the texts, every time my phone went and I saw exes name I would feel nauseous. You are doing the right thing though, it will wind him up that you are not reacting to him but the nastier he gets (in texts and emails where it can be shown in court), the better it is for you in the long run

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 27/12/2014 19:20

op i feel so bad for you after reading your thread. its unbelievable that he has treated you so badly ever since you got pregnant. so many of us are going through drama with our exp especially regarding csa and contact. can i just say that i agree with all the great advice you've been given on this thread. please please stand up for yourself. things cant get much worse can they? go to the csa. a friend of mine who hasnt received a penny for 8 years recently got a large payment when her exp sold his house because there was a charge on it.

tell him you'll see him in court re contact. if it were me, i would stop contact until its in the form of a court order. he has taken the piss for long enough. now its time to put your foot down

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 27/12/2014 19:30

thank you journey. that's good to know. it's the court thing which is scaring me. what does a court order actually mean? would it be an order against me? something that I must adhere to? or a guidance type thing that a judge decides is fair for everyone?

yeah it's shit, I do think it's all about control for him. which is sad, I wish we could just get on but know that will never be the case.

today I also text him, although I will be sending an email in greater detail confirming this, saying that if he wishes to see ds he will have to collect and drop off. he said..'don't think so'

he actually thinks that after telling me he will not be paying cm in January, that I will still be running up to his every weekend. what entitled planet is he living on!

OP posts:
Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 27/12/2014 19:33

and no you're right, things can't get much worse

although I will propbably receive a few quid per month when css get their hands on exp, and when it goes to court he will fight for 50/50 as he's said that from day 1. but even if he got that, which I would be very surprised about, he already has that at the moment having him every weekend Fri afternoon to Sun evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 27/12/2014 19:34

gah, I'm not making much sense now (tired)

OP posts:
JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 27/12/2014 19:40

what a bullying twat.

it makes me so so so so so angry

the court order would just make everything clear and set in stone. he would need to apply to vary it in future if he wanted to.

it would set out who has ds when, how long during school holidays, which weekends and probably alternate xmas days

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 27/12/2014 19:42

if he keeps threatening you with court its time to call his bluff.

you've got nothing to be scared about. family courts are not overbearing, austere places. they are modern and less formal. the courts are used to people representing themselves. your exp might be a dick but the lawyers wont be and they wont want to be seen bullying an unrepresented paty.

Twinklebells · 27/12/2014 19:43

bullies like him always threaten to go for custody, just another method of abuse. Def go to CMS and certainly no more dropping off and picking up. Don't reply to any more of his messages is my advice - he sounds vile.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 27/12/2014 19:46

i would be very surprised if he came out of the court process with as much contaxt as he has now.

i went with my brother through this process when he broke up with his partner. he was the victim of dv. he got the standard amount of contact - alternate weekends, alternate xmas, alternate easter, 2 weeks in the summer etc.

be brave. do your research. be clear about what you want and be reasonable.

but this cant carry on.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 27/12/2014 19:50

sorry to go on at you op but....

i really need you to be strong. find that strength to fight him and get him off your back for good.

you need to do this for the sake of your mental health and for your new relationship

your new partner must find it hard seeing you go through this crap

  1. get financially independent from your exp so that it doesnt matter whether you get his csa or not.
  2. get the csa on board. give them as much info as you can. makes sure they are fighting for your payments and never give him a moments rest
  3. if he tries to dodge the csa, get your MP involved. s/he will also apply pressure on the csa and get that charge on each and every one of his properties so that whenever he tries to sell, you get that lump sum
Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 27/12/2014 19:58

no don't apologise! I really need all of this advice, and each piece of advice I read makes me feel stronger and more able to cope with it all

I will aim to do all of those. however, exp was an accountant, very smart with his money, and I honestly believe he gave up work to prevent me ever getting cm through csa. I also have no doubt that he will have moved all his properties into his brothers name so that in this event, I receive nothing

but I really, REALLY appreciate every single bit of advice Smile it definitely helps me feel more sane!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/12/2014 19:59

"I am longer making Ds available for contact until you are prepared to come to a contact arrangement that is more appropriate for DS needs and you are prepared to do both the pick up and dropping of DS after your contact with him, as is the norm."

Twinklebells · 27/12/2014 20:13

Is he unemployed atm? What is he living on, he must have an income of sorts?

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 27/12/2014 20:16

too right randomMess. exactly.

if you find out that he has actually put his properties in his brother's name to avoid paying for his child, thats when you get your MP involved to ask him or her what exactly the government is doing to combat this pernicious conduct of father's attempting to avoid their financial responsbilities and evade the csa. where is the punishment? where are the consequences? its just as bad as tax evasion. you as a mother are taking on the responsibility of raising your son, paying for him and caring for him because its your duty to do so. yet he gets away scot free? or gives you so much stress its not worth the money? fuck that. something needs to be done.

you're not alone op. these are the same arguements i've put to my mp and i'm in the process of researching child support regimes in other countries to give him some ideas on how to improve the situation over here. that's on top of working full time and looking after 3 kids and a (better) husband. why? because they shouldnt be allowed to get away with it

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 27/12/2014 20:22

yes he gave up his job as an accounts field manager as the company wanted him to sign a new contract with new terms and conditions. obviously it meant he would probably be earning slightly less or something. so he quits. so typical of his personality, he's too good anything but more money and better conditions

he had several properties which he rented out. when I was with him it was about six or seven. each flat had 3 bedrooms and each bedroom got him 300pcm.

I can't say for sure but my guess is he sold a few/all of them and is living off of that. perhaps I'm letting my imagination run wild here, but my guess is also that he has all the cash made from those properties in someone else's name or in some offshore bank account

not that long ago he got very Very nasty at the mere mention of csa so I think he has been planning ahead incase this ever happened.

when I was pregnant (and so so vulnerable) he said Mark my words, if you dare go to the csa I will quit my job. you will never get a single penny from me and I will make sure I get 50/50 custody of ds.

obviously knew I would get a lump sum if he ever sold. and I at the time, caved and believed him Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 27/12/2014 20:25

thank you random!!.I will say that Smile I'm really not very good with wordsBlush but that puts it perfectly

OP posts:
Twinklebells · 27/12/2014 20:26

you wouldn't be entitled to any lump sum if he sold if you weren't married though?

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 27/12/2014 20:28

ah ok. no we weren't married

OP posts:
JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 27/12/2014 20:50

the lump sum is a sanction that the csa can use against non payers. they put a charge on any property they own so that, if it were ever sold, the money from the sale has to be used to pay the charge before the rest of the funds can be passed to the vendor. its like paying off a debt.

my friend wasnt married to her exp. but because he had been refusing to pay any csa and was a self employed handy man, they put the debt on his house in the form of a debt. so that she got a large lump sum when he sold it.

there are other sanctions too. soon the csa will be able to mess up his credit rating, remove his driving license, and send the bailiffs in

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 27/12/2014 20:52

just to clarify, the charge is a form of court order. it has nothing to do with whether the parents were married or not. its a method of paying a debt.

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 27/12/2014 21:01

that's fantastic news for lots of mum's out there with non paying exps. that they can mess up their credit rating, send bailiffs, remove driving licence. is this new powers they are working towards?

hopefully that happens sooner rather than later

OP posts:
JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 27/12/2014 21:21

well my exp has a court order against him which allows the csa to do different types of enforcement action, including bailiffs. they havent used it yet, in the hope that they can take the money from his wages but he has of course, left that job so next week i'll be applying pressure on them to use the order. some of the other sanctions are in the making. they are very much needed.

Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 28/12/2014 12:24

I'm so nervous, couldn't sleep last night and ever since I've been awake, my heart has been pounding and I keep running over in my head what I'm going to say to exp when I see him. Maybe I should say nothing. take ds and leave then email to say he will have no contact with ds.

the next few months are going to be a loving nightmare. I have three exams and coursework for my job to be completed and passed by 1st March.
I have the stress of dealing with this, and lawyers letters and going to court and representing myself.

on top of that I don't know how I'm going to cope financially, it's going to be incredibly tough for dp and I

and somehow I feel like the guilty party, like I am the bad guy for withholding access. but I have to, he cannot get away with not paying cm and thinking I am a lunatic for not wanting to do the collection of ds every week. he is going to fight tooth and nail for 50/50. Sad feels like now on is going to be hell for me.

how soon can he get a lawyer to write to me? I take it I would have to reply within a certain time frame? what is mediation going to be like? (someone mentioned that he would have to get me to agree to mediation before it went to court) although I am in Scotland so not sure if the same rules apply

OP posts:
Original poster
attheendofmyteatheragain · 28/12/2014 12:25

any info would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Justwanttomoveon · 28/12/2014 13:26

Hi op, I'm sorry I can't advise on legal side but sure someone will come along who can. Yes the next few months will be hellish but once you get through it life will be much much better. I would definitely tell him he's not getting contact until it's been to court, I'm sure I read on a thread that the op had it written into the agreement that the ex couldn't behave like a tosser (although not in those exact words Smile).
You have come this far and you will get through it, keep posting, there's plenty on here more than willing to handhold you all the way through it.