Pregnant and fallen for someone else - please help & don't judge

[Scarlettlou14]

Really need help with this one, I'm almost 7 months pregnant with my first child and I have a loving husband who works away from home for long periods of time, I love my husband very much but as I don't have much family around I'm on my own often.

recently I allowed the attentions of another man to get under my skin, he promised me the world and I genuinely genuinely believed he cared, against my better judgement we began sleeping together, it ended after a fews weeks and now I'm left feeling empty, I feel tremendous guilt for what I've done to my husband, I am disgusted with myself, Yet I feel like I've fallen for this other man who has made it clear though his actions that he goes not feel the same.

I feel the same hurt I would do in a breakup situation, I can't stop crying, it's been a difficult pregnancy with lots of problems. I am really hoping with all my heart this is just pregnancy hormones.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

please don't judge me, no body can make feel any worse than I do already xxxx

If she ends up alone, having to move and short of money then she has no one to blame bar herself. Why should the poor husband be kept in the dark and used for the stability and home whilst the OP benefits from the situation. Surely he has a right to know what kind of wife he has and the right to choose to stay or go.

.... and to hell with the baby?

poor baby :/

Unfortunately, we all make choices and have to live with the consequences. Sadly, also unfortunately, such choices also often impact innocent people. In this case, potentially baby as well as husband. This is why we have to think about what we do with our heads rather than our loins.

If he chooses to leave, that is his choice to make and he should be permitted to make it. He can still be a bloody good father even if they aren't together although I suspect relations between him and his ex-wife (if that's the way the cookie crumbles) are likely to be very poor for a while.

Yes, poor baby indeed. Had someone thought about their poor baby and their poor husband earlier, there wouldn't be this horrendous sad mess.

The point needs reiterating - this is way beyond a run of the mill affair or being unfaithful. Going with another man while you are pregnant appears quite bizarre, disturbing almost. That's why husband deserves to know. I suspect you are not remotely the woman he thinks he married; you are forcing him to live a huge lie. It's grossly unfair.

So the baby and mother end up quite possibly up shit street.

But it's all ok what happens to the baby because it's her fault.

Going with another man while you are pregnant appears quite bizarre

Actually pregnant creatures, be they human or animal, look for love and security. This woman was left very isolated with her husband away a lot. I reiterate she was vulnerable.

I am still amazed at how many people want this person to be punished, together with her husband and her baby.

As I said, in my post, a friend of mine was a similar situation to yours many years ago. She did not tell her then fiancé and they now have a wonderful relationship and a beautiful family. I believe in the truth, but there are times when it is merely destructive.

A lot of the posters here would be so, so at home in Magdalene Laundries. You can see how the awful abuse there happened, looking at threads like this

If she ends up alone, having to move and short of money then she has no one to blame bar herself

Meerka, she should have thought about consequences for her child before she chose to cheat.

OP doesnt show remorse, only self pity.

I too can't get my head around the fact that you had another man's child inside you when you slept with someone else. A constant reminder of your marriage and future.

Poor guy. I think he needs to know so he can move on and be happy with someone who would never even consider cheating.

And who said mn was a place for support... (Hmm) none of the frothers on this thread have ever done anything stupid which they've regretted then? Or does unworthy of forgiveness only extend to cheating?

Be careful up there on the moral high ground, you just don't know who might be above you.

The staff said they wanted MN to be supportive, wannabe. I wish they'd step in and make sure it really was a place of support instead of a home for vindictive self-righteousness.

It's been surprising and kind of chilling, I thought the idea of MN was to support each other not drive the hobnailed boot in.

It's a place where people give their opinions. Supportive or not.

The OP wasn't thinking of her baby whilst jumping into another's mans bed. Loneliness is not an excuse to cheat, plenty of adults work away or stay home and manage it. Neither is it a mistake.

It's not about punishing the OP but giving the innocent party the choice to make a decision based on all the facts about his wife not the version she prefers he knows.

Can you imagine posters telling a cheating sah male to hide it from his partner as he would be in a bad position financially.

none of the frothers on this thread have ever done anything stupid which they've regretted then? Or does unworthy of forgiveness only extend to cheating?

That is what has been going through my head, wannabe. That and "let he who is without sin throw the first stone"

Im sure most posters have done stupid things wannabe. But let's be honest now - there's stupid as in maybe snogging somebody on a night out when you've had a few; and there's stupid as in sleeping with another man over a number of weeks when ur quite advanced in pregnancy; and then falling for other man; and then (we can assume) choosing to make a go of it with your husband cos other man doesnt reciprocate your feelings. And then to cap it all off, deciding your husband doesnt have any right to know that a. You have cheated on him and b. You would quite possibly have left him if the other guy had been more interested.
I think it is reasonable for people posting here to hope that the OP might be willing to behave with just a little more integrity.

To quote:

^If posts aren't reported to us -we don't always see them.
IF YOU SEE ANYTHING ANYWHERE ON MUMSNET THAT YOU"RE NOT SURE OF, please please please JUST CLICK THE REPORT BUTTON! Thanks

May we also please remind you that Mumsnet's raison d'être is to make lives easier.

Peace and love^

That was from Olivia, bolding mine.

Anyway, I hope the OP has managed to take something constructive from this thread. Also it's probably been a warning to anyone who isn't morally whiter-than-white - don't post here for help, even if you regret your actions deeply. Useful to know for some people, perhaps, if they'd been considering it.

I think the OP has got some great advice on this thread - doesn't mean I agree with her decision though...

I think warning people off posting is a bit much to be honest... an affair while you're pregnant is a step too far for a lot of people - don't think that's really surprising, is it? But she has still got some advice she can act on and which has helped her understand her situation...

It is not possible to know whether the op is genuinely remorseful or not or whether she is actually only thinking of herself, because the screen does not convey emotion and so therefore posters will read what they want into a post.

It is also not possible to say that an affair is purely down to the fact that someone was thinking (to quote another poster) with their loins. Affairs are wrong. they are neither ok nor justified, but while the choice to have an affair is down to the cheating party, it is naive to suggest that there are never factors which lead to someone having an affair. In an ideal world no-one would cheat, anyone feeling upset would just approach their partner and tell them and all would be well. But in an ideal world no-one would be in unhappy relationships, or potentially left lonely and isolated and then vulnerable to the attentions of someone else.

I can't personally grasp why someone would have an affair while pregnant, but equally what kind of man would sleep with someone who was pregnant with another man's child?

An affair demonstrates not that someone is lacking in integrity but that perhaps they have lost sight of it. Good people do bad things. To have an affair is spectacularly stupid. But any action can be regretted, and nothing is beyond forgiveness.

I am struck by the differing posts on here sometimes, last week there was a thread where an op's brother's ex had had an affair, left for the other man and announced into the bargain that she had previously, while they were still in an unhappy relationship, aborted his child, and all posters could say was "oh she was so very young, (24, young? I think not,) and her body, her choice, (what, even though she was planning her wedding to this man at the time she terminated his baby and then told him that in the throws of leaving him for another man?)" Now IMO there was a woman spectacularly lacking in integrity and people were saying not to judge and she wasn't even the one asking for support. Yet someone comes on here having screwed up more than spectacularly, admits it, regrets it bitterly and posters are clammering to burn her at the steak. How does that work then?

Love ya Wannabe! You says things so much better than I ever can.

Again thank you everyone for your comments.

To clear a few things up.

*I do not see my husband as a meal ticket, I have worked all my life for what I have.

*I love my unborn child with every inch of me and regardless of what I have done NOBODY has the right to tell me I should have aborted my child if I don't love my husband.

*As well as being the she devil a number of you consider me to be I'm also a hard working mum to be and a full time carer to my mother.

• The other man did not leave me, I realised he was not the man he had pretended to be so I ended things.

OP, not sure if you've already answered. If you are not voluntarily disclosing the full truth of infidelity to your husband, would you tell him the truth if he asked you to?

Whether you are being supported or not on MN, your guilt about your infidelity will not go away. There is also the fear (you state that there is little chance) that you will be found out. I`m not judging you OP but seeing your husband a little more will ultimately not solve your problem. You need to find out what caused you to embark on this affair. You state that OM was not the person you thought he was which does suggest that it would have continued with it if he was. Would you have left your husband? What exactly are you looking for? Only you can answer these questions and until you do, there seems to be no reason to stop you falling for someone else in future. Why, why, why, screams out to me but so far you are ignoring this.

The other man did not leave me, I realised he was not the man he had pretended to be so I ended things.

Op you said that you had fallen for him in your initial post but that he did not feel the same. If he had felt the same, what would you have done?