Pregnant and fallen for someone else - please help & don't judge

[Scarlettlou14]

Really need help with this one, I'm almost 7 months pregnant with my first child and I have a loving husband who works away from home for long periods of time, I love my husband very much but as I don't have much family around I'm on my own often.

recently I allowed the attentions of another man to get under my skin, he promised me the world and I genuinely genuinely believed he cared, against my better judgement we began sleeping together, it ended after a fews weeks and now I'm left feeling empty, I feel tremendous guilt for what I've done to my husband, I am disgusted with myself, Yet I feel like I've fallen for this other man who has made it clear though his actions that he goes not feel the same.

I feel the same hurt I would do in a breakup situation, I can't stop crying, it's been a difficult pregnancy with lots of problems. I am really hoping with all my heart this is just pregnancy hormones.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

please don't judge me, no body can make feel any worse than I do already xxxx

My GP does x

I felt quite isolated being at home with a new born, which is why I ask. As well as thinking about what led you to this, it might be worth thinking ahead. I made friends with a couple of other new mums and a friend had her baby a day before, we were in hospital together. However, it was still quite lonely at times. I just wonder if your mw was someone you could confide in, and if they had info about mum/baby groups.

I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere so the mum and baby groups are quite limited, plus I don't drive, there is a baby massage meetings at our local library every week so I'm hoping to get involved in that :) thanks for your help x

How can you work with your husband to "sort out the problems" in your marriage when he is not aware of the high stakes at risk here ? It would be like asking him to help you solve a crossword without any of the clues.

The problem isn't your marriage, the problem is you

You had your cake and fucked it. To move forward you need to be honest with him and give him the opportunity to decide whether he want to be with you. It should not be your choice! There is no honesty in your relationship without disclosure. If you don't discuss it what is to stop you doing it again and justifying it to yourself "well, he didn't find out and i haven't hurt him so why not again?"

You say the om has nothing to gain by telling , but he also has little to lose either. He's hardly a moral person and it sounds like you mean very little to him. Has there been no texts , phone calls , emails ? No one has seen you together ? And he's told no one ? Cheaters love to brag. I wouldn't be quite so sure it won't ever come out.

As you've done the checks and the man is off the scene, put it out of your mind and don't say a word to anyone in rl.

But if you later find out that in his long spells away from home, your husband is also unfaithful, don't be surprised. Quite often where partner A has something on the side, partner B has also.

"You had your cake and fucked it."

Just... what? She fucked a cake? I don't think you should try to coin any more phrases. You're not very good at it.

Thanks again everyone, I'm not offended by the comments, I know I have done wrong, it's certainly not something I'm going to repeat x

I think this is the female equivalent of -I cheated because my wife neglects me since she's had the baby. I can't help but query what promises this man made to a heavily pregnant women or where you thought that would go. Actually I don't see that it matters what he promised you.

The trouble is with this sort of thing , nobody wants to admit they were sexually attracted to someone else and simply wanted to fuck , so they start with the lonely , neglected , depressed script where the other person is always to blame. Your post reads like your a poor vulnerable pregnant women who desperately needed support and got conned.

Please don't tell him. Once those words are out, they can never be taken back.

I not blaming anyone else for this mess, I am responsible, this man has got inside my head at a very vulnerable time, but I had choices and made mistakes x

Might have been better to have eaten cake!
Yes, once those words are said, its probably game over. I really think the most important thing for you is addressing the problem of why you did it, if that was because you feel so alone, then that is the place to start. If you cannot survive and prosper in a relationship that means you are alone a lot of the time, then that needs to be considered. I think also that having a new born whilst taking up a lot of your time, can be isolating. So you need to think about how to deal with this. Not because you will cheat again, but because feeling alone is actually quite miserable.

You are stop on, I will be discussing how we can spend more time together when he returns next week :) x

*spot

OP- reverse the scenario. Would you want to know and have the choice to stay if he was cheating on you?

I am surprised there are so many saying not to tell him.

I'm shocked at everyone saying not to tell him, you had sex with someone else while carrying his child. He has a right to know. How on earth can he help fix the marriage when he is being lied to? Unless you are going to be honest you can't ask anything of him.

I am also pretty shocked at the 'don't tell him advice'.. I get that not telling him is actually the easy option right now (although the guilt may eat you up later) but you didn't kiss someone else or have a quick fumble, you had a full blown affair! Pregnant or not, your husband deserves to know the truth

It's all about self,isn't it.You had an affair for you.You are going to hide it from your husband for YOU.

You have betrayed your husband and he has every right to know.Pretending you haven't makes you even more disgusting because you are not admitting the problem/'mistake' and regretting it fully

Your poor husband deserves better

As another poster stated,if this was said about a man or it had suddenly come out that a man had an affair ages ago then it would be a whole different kettle of fish.

Not for me,so my suggestion is for your husband to LTB

Sorry

I join the voices who say that keeping this lie or secret quiet is not appropriate action.

Wow - how virtuous some people be. Not telling him is not the easy option, the OP will have the carry the guilt for ever. Not all humans are infallible.

Some people would welcome the option of blissful ignorance, rather than face the truth and destroy a family. This "tell all" at all costs mantra espoused on here at times in fairly infantile or at best idealistic. People make mistakes and carry on to live happy mistake free lives. One mistake at times can be forgiven.

I have asked for help as I have nobody to talk to about this, I don't want or expect sympathy or empathy but I did asked not to be judged , I realise people will feel strongly about this but as I stated earlier I could not feel any worse about the situation if I tried, so attacking me further serves no purpose, thank you very much for those those that have helped and offered advice xx

OP is seven months pregnant. Having been pregnant, and being a woman, I really think the most important thing is: OPs health and that of the baby. Giving birth is for most women the most dangerous thing they will ever do, no man not even OPs husband will ever do this. In fact thinking about it, any man should just be grateful that some woman will give birth to his child!

Ordinarily I would agree with those saying he has a right to know. Perhaps he does, but quite frankly OPs and baby's welfare right now are more important.

Should she be eaten up with guilt, or should she at a later date have time to think about what is the moral/right thing, she can tell him if she wants. At least by this time OPs DH will have formed a bond with his child, which will in the long term bode better for a continuing relationship with the child. I can't see how trauma, arguments, separation now, moving homes, even having to find temporary accommodation, is going to be in anyone's interests. Not to mention trying to arrange some sort of agreement over when he can and under what circumstances he can spend time with his own new born baby.

Affairs aren't mistakes. They're choices and your husband deserves to know the truth about his relationship so he can make his own decisions. You're being incredibly selfish and really undeservedly letting yourself off the hook for your shitty behaviour. Lots of people are lonely and they don't have affairs. Loneliness is not why you did it. It's something inside you and if you don't address it you will do this again.

Reading this, one of my first thoughts was to wonder why you'd even be attracted to the sort of bloke who would get involved in this scenario.

I would go and get some counselling if I were you. I don't think it's going to be something you can just sweep under the carpet and with the emotions of giving birth, I really think you will need some impartial support in place to work through it all, whatever you decide.