Pregnant and fallen for someone else - please help & don't judge

[Scarlettlou14]

Really need help with this one, I'm almost 7 months pregnant with my first child and I have a loving husband who works away from home for long periods of time, I love my husband very much but as I don't have much family around I'm on my own often.

recently I allowed the attentions of another man to get under my skin, he promised me the world and I genuinely genuinely believed he cared, against my better judgement we began sleeping together, it ended after a fews weeks and now I'm left feeling empty, I feel tremendous guilt for what I've done to my husband, I am disgusted with myself, Yet I feel like I've fallen for this other man who has made it clear though his actions that he goes not feel the same.

I feel the same hurt I would do in a breakup situation, I can't stop crying, it's been a difficult pregnancy with lots of problems. I am really hoping with all my heart this is just pregnancy hormones.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

please don't judge me, no body can make feel any worse than I do already xxxx

I feel tremendous guilt for what I've done to my husband, I am disgusted with myself

.. but I still made a choice to cheat, A choice which I bitterly regret now

I don't want to destroy things anymore then I have already

I know I have done wrong, it's certainly not something I'm going to repeat

I could not feel any worse about the situation if I tried

... my husband .... does not deserve to be hurt because of what I have done or so I can ease my guilt

I have never in my life felt more ashamed and broken

Sounds pretty much like regret and remorse to me.

I'd bet you would change your tune chocolate if this was your son , brother , or male friend.

When I read posts like this I think wow there must be sooo many people out there who have cheated on their partners and not said anything. The other half is completely in the dark. All those saying don't tell (and I understand why the O.P wouldn't want to divulge that shes been traitorous) should bare in mind that this stance also applies to themselves i.e. your partners could have cheated on you and you don't know. Does that idea feel comfortable to you? Doesn't for me, so as I wouldn't like not to know if I was the innocent party, I really think O.P you ought to own up.

I don't see how you can say you love you husband and then sleep with someone else whilst pregnant with his baby? Previous posters have pointed out had this been: 'My husband has had an affair whilst I'm x months pregnant with is baby.' He would be a bastard and worse. Can someone tell me how such infidelity suddenly becomes less reprehensible because its a secret?

Might look like remorse to you, doesn't look it to me she didn't have an epiphany and come to her senses she got dumped then remembered she had a husband to fall back on.

Yep, I'm certain there are a lot of people who've cheated ... didn't they find that actually a lot of babies are not the children of the supposed father? and that's actual resulting babies... not very many affairs end up with with a baby, I don't suppose.

But it's not about the moral high ground here.

It's about working out what is best in practise for the little nuclear family. What's happened is wrong. The OP has said that over and over and over, what is the point of flogging her any more?

What matters now is the practical resolution for all three of them, finding the best way forward.

Thing is, Meerka, if nothing is said then the OP is deciding for her husband what SHE thinks the practical resolution for all three of them is.

Marriages are about partnerships. We read it on MN all the time that major decisions are supposed to be discussed and decided upon mutually and that if one partner makes decisions without the other, that is seen as controlling behaviour.

The husband should be allowed to make a decision on HIS future based on the truth and not the lie he is being fed.

Meerka, you mean a practical resolution for the OP, the husband is completely in the dark about his cheating wife.

Coyacan, what is to be gained by telling the husband? The truth perhaps? Honesty? Not basing a whole marriage on a lie?

Undoubtedly that would mean misery for the husband, possibly the end of a marriage, but that would be the OP's fault, not the fault of so called jackals on here.

Your right, there is a baby to think about here, pity the OP didn't think about that.

Yes. He is. One day that might come back to bite her - hard. Consequences.

But right now she has to decide what to do for the best for all three in her judgement. She should not be in that position where she has to make that decision but she knows that.

I think the OP is being given a hard time here. She is aware that what she did is wrong, and loves her husband. I don't condone having an affair, but OP was lonely and feeling vulnerable, possibly feeling unattractive because of her pregnancy, so fell for flattery that perhaps she would normally have ignored.

Whatever the reasons, I see nothing to gain from telling her DH, and the possible end of her relationship, and the pain and worry that would bring, are not what she needs in these last weeks of pregnancy. The baby, and the family unit, should be protected.

I can't help wondering what kind of a creep targets a pregnant woman for a casual affair.

When Meerka does her husband get to decide what's best for him though?

There's nothing to be gained for the OP in telling her husband, there is something for the husband to gain, the truth.

I can't believe how many people are prepared to minimise and side with a cheat simply because she's a pregnant woman.

THE UNALTERABLE NECESSITY TO LIE
Lie with all the conviction you can muster. Because only a consistent, insistent, mass of lies, filled with compassion for your child, and in the end, yourself and your husband, can rescue this situation. Do not listen to the nattering nabbobs of full disclosure. They do not know of what they speak and wish to trample the fragile little flowerbeds we all strive so diligently to construct of whatever coarse, odorous and yet fertile materials we can pile, compost or otherwise invent. These people are fools. Maybe they are just young and too immersed in this overly confessional, confrontrational, disfunctional society to understand that life travels in one direction only, towards decay and death and that the decisions we adults make either grease the skids, for ourselves or others, or for a time a short time slows it down, creates the illusion of stopping it and gives us all a taste of joy and bliss. Your child is about to be born. It is in your power, your power alone, to assure that this precious child will be greeted by a community of love. There is your goal. Create it, maintain it, do not allow it to decay and die.

Cannot WAIT for the responses to this. But as I said in my previous post Scarlettlou, get over the bastard and get on with your life. Good luck.

It is possible to think that a behavior/action is despicable while at the same time admitting that actions often have reasons behind them, and that deliberately hurting someone else after the event is not necessarily beneficial.

Affairs are neither right nor justified. but affairs are also rarely black and white, and although the one having the affair is of course to blame for the decisions they have made, there are almost always underlying circumstances which lead to the affair happening in the first place. Affairs are usually a symptom not a cause, and yes I would apply that logic to a man as well as a woman.

It is much easier to suggest that the op feels nothing over having had an affair because that justifies the position of those who are judging the most in believing that anyone who has an afair has no feelings for anyone but themselves. But actually it is entirely possible to do something wrong, and to then bitterly regret it after the event, yes, even if the affair came to an end it is possible to wake up and think "what the bloody hell was I doing!!!" But much easier to believe that anyone who had an affair is somehow a monster undeserving of anything other than vitriol than the reality is that everyone is human and no-one is unfallible.

As to whether someone would want to know, well it's clear from this thread that opinion on that is divided. We all have our dealbreakers which would mean the end of a relationship, and not all relate to having an affair, yet no-one would suggest that a partner should be told if their partner went out one night and did drugs or if they were gay in a previous life or if they had a caution from years ago, for instance...

An affair would be a dealbreaker for many people if they found out - me included, but if the partner is genuinely regretful and remorseful then telling the dh only serves to meter out a punishment which posters on here feel she deserves. Most of those telling the op to confess all to her dh aren't doing so because they feel that he has a right to know, they're doing it because they feel the op should be hurt. That is hardly a sympathetic response when people think that telling the dh means that a innocent child is to be born into a possibly separated relationship with minimal contact with its father. And for those saying that the op chose that when she had an affair, well perhaps, perhaps in time the relationship will fail and the baby will end up in that situation anyway, only time will tell. But in the meantime the op is pregnant with a baby who didn't ask to be a part of all this, has done something which she regrets, and she has a chance to put it right without destroying the lives of her baby and husband into the bargain.

I would say that the op definitely needs to address the issues that led her to the affair, and yes of course isolation is one of those, to ensure that it doesn't happen again, but apart from that, a baby is about to enter into the equation, anyone who thinks this is a good time to kick someone when they are down really need to have a word with themselves.

Wannabe, your wrong, the whole argument people are making on here IS that the husband has a right to know, it's not about the OP being punished although obviously she won't tell him because she would be, by the possible break up of her marriage.

No the OP hasn't recieved an entirely sympathetic response and why should she, what she did was wrong.

Thanks you everyone, I was never expecting a sympathetic response, quite the opposite in fact!!! yet some people have been so very kind and helpful.

I have had a really positive day, I've spoken to another family member who has promised to help with caring for my mother once our little man arrives, this will allow me to visit my husband whilst he is away, I have also signed up to a baby massage class :)

This might not sound like much but too me it is very important that I address the reasons why I did this, and make positive changes x

Sunnyhaze

When the pretty little fragile flowerbed has been thoroughly invaded by weeds or been infected by pests, it's time to go on the offensive, get out the fork and dig them out by the root. Surest way to know what you're dealing with and prevent another invasion.

You could instead choose to simply trim them down and pretend they're not there so as to maintain the pretty view; but sure enough the weeds will return - more aggressively somewhere down the line and eventually choke the pretty flowers.

It's not about punishment. If things had been great with the O.Ps marriage I'm guessing she wouldn't have felt the need to turn to another man for comfort not just once but several times. Putting a brave face on things and pretending there never was an issue will not improve things, because if she does have half a conscience guilt will bubble to the surface in ways she can't imagine and affect her response to future issues, disagreements etc.

For e.g. OP says DH works away from home for long periods of time. Maybe now in light of whats happened she can see that's a deal breaker for her? She's lonely and hasn't much support from family. But being as we are never talking about 'that thing that happened', how can she raise the true gravitas of the issue, when DH doesn't understand how serious it is?

I do find it quite amazing how double standard some comments on here are because the OP is a woman.

Scarlettlou14 - Be Happy. Merry Christmas, all the best for 2015. (I'm pretty much finished with posting on this thread as you are bored of reading it.)

Affairs are indeed symptoms. Of personality , not circumstances.
Great post from girl.

wannabee what a great post.

Good that you'll be getting help with the caring scarlett. Caring for your mother and your new baby while your husband is away would be very hard.

Not my place to say this, but I'm going to anyway :p ... imo don't ever let this happen again, but go on and forwards from now. I hope that all comes good for your little family and the baby.

--

Regarding other posters, honesty is usually the best policy - it's certainly the only one for a marriage with full clarity. But 8 weeks to birth is not the right time to be throwing a bomb into the relationship. The baby needs a mother who can give all her attention to him/her. Having to care for a mother, care for a brandnew first time baby and having a husband in the turmoils of discovered unfaithfulness is too much. What happens if they split up and she has to move as well? That's when people start to go down and the baby has the heaviest dependency. She has to consider that, as well as the responsibility to her husband.

I'm not sure how many of the Moral High Ground people here would be prepared to help practically with the fall out, for the baby's sake.

Dangerous advice, to lob a grenade into the OP's relationship at this particular time.

Meerka - so when do you think WILL be a good time to tell the husband? Six months? A year? Two years? When the child starts school? Or do you really think he has no right to know whatsoever?

As I said earlier, I think it is generally the case that if someone finds out by their partner admitting their infidelity the marriage is slightly more likely to survive than when it is discovered later on down the road. Because the long-term deception is, somehow, the bit that hurts most rather than the actual cheating. It's the being made a fool of. It's the being shown not only the total lack of respect and love at the time of the affair but the continuing lack of respect and love by long term lying.

I disagree with the earlier posting that said those of us who believe in honestly do so from a point of wanting to punish the OP. It isn't in most cases. It's that we believe a strong marriage is built on mutual respect, love and honesty and if you don't have those, then what do you have left?

As we see on MN all the time "staying together for the kids" is almost universally regarded as a bad move. Except in this case, it seems.

I can potentially see that saying something now may not be wise and I could possibly understand keeping quiet until a few months down the road. But I do think any longer shows contempt for the husband. He is as innocent as the baby in all this. Better for it to come out when the baby is young than perhaps several years down the road when all hell could break loose and things then effect that child for the rest of its life.

OP

There are quite a few threads about men cheating (on pregnant wife, just kissing, EA etc). I would suggest reading a few and see the situation from a different POV. There are threads about staying together for the kids as well. You have it all rolled up into one unfortunately. You will do what you will do ( I think personally you have minimised your behaviour and the impact it would have on your husband). Just wondering how you plan to improve your relationship if you don't disclose the full facts. I see honesty being the best course of action. This would include discussing his job location, your feelings, your behaviour and how your improve the relationship. How likely your are to do it again.

From his POV. Works away for benefit of family. Wife cheats whilst pregnant whilst away. Emotionally cheats when home as no doubt thinking of OM. Only ends when OM ends it. "Cheats" me out of honest relationship by burying/minimising behavior. Where do I and baby fit in?

That is why so many people are advocating ( and done more eloquently than I have) why your relationship can only really improve with total honesty as there will be hard times ahead with baby.

To put this into context with all the people saying 'had this been the other way round there would be calls of LTB'

I am pregnant and I am finding sex or in fact any intimacy difficult in the extreme. If my DH went and got it elsewhere during my pregnancy, used protection and got himself checked out just to make sure and was clear... I would NOT want to know! Him telling me would achieve nothing other than trying to share the burden of the guilt he was feeling, and would lead me to never trust him again for actions he made during a stressful, emotional time.

Sometimes telling your OH does more damage than keeping it quiet and not doing it again.

I think he has a right to know yes. Agreed completely that the long term deception is the worst. I also think that for many people that living with the guilt can be as destructive as the actual infidelity, though only the OP knows if that's the case for her or if she can put it behind her.

This is very tricky ground because of the practical issue of the baby. If the baby wasn't there I'd say confess. The husband is innocent and absolutely does not deserve what has happened. Still, he is more capable of surviving on his own than the baby. At its bluntest, a parent's needs have to be subsumed to a new baby's for a while.

But in the end - and this is very murky water, there are no good choices here, it's a question of what's the least awful choice - I think that in these particular circumstances I'd cautiously say put it behind her, if she can. She regrets what she did intensely. She was very lonely and under the strain of being a carer and coming to terms with a forthcoming baby. Some people find that a real challenge. Now that doesn't excuse it, but anyone who has been utterly lonely can perhaps sympathise with how overwhelming it can be if the appearance of love, attention, escape is suddenly offered. Especially if it's by a conman who knows just the right things to say and the right buttons to press. (he's the one who needs the vitriol!).

It doesn't make it right, but you could see why she succumbed. She regrets it very deeply. She really doesn't sound like she'd make the same awful mistake twice. Because of this, in this particular situation I think that it has to be weighed very carefully in the balance, to confess or not confess. On balance, given the intensity of her regret I'd say put it behind her. It's not fair on the husband no. All I can say is that sometimes things aren't fair and can't be made right. It's not ok, not at all, but it is the way things are sometimes. It isn't right and can't be made right but perhaps over time it could be left behind.

If she did decide to confess, timing is the important thing - yes, some months in the future when she is physically recovered and can cope with the fallout. that would be for her to know when is best - 8 months, 14 months, it would depend on her circumstances. Before the baby is old enough to remember, certainly.

Regarding staying together for the kids, yes, people do say don't stay together for the kids. One thing that's come out of Mumsnet for me is how often slightly older women say "my parents stayed together for us kids and I wish they hadn't". If the relationship was wrong in other ways, I'd agree. But if it's generally working well other than this awful blip, it would seem to have a chance to be ok. ... if the OP can really put it behind her. As said, I do absolutely agree that it's not fair on the partner but I think that would have to be lived with.

"I'm not sure how many of the Moral High Ground people here would be prepared to help practically with the fall out, for the baby's sake." I suspect none because it would only be what op deserved, because of the choices she has made, right? (Hmm)

I agree that there might be a time for the op to tell her dh, but in the context of all the issues within the marriage, but now is not that time.

I suspect none too, because people have their own busy lives.

The OP could well be left in the position of being parental carer, caring for a newborn, being alone a lot while other half is away, and then maybe going through a marriage breakup. She could possibly end up having to move and maybe even very short of money, right at the time when her physical and emotional energy needs to go to the baby. Advice to Tell Him needs to take into account the fallout, imo.