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Original poster

Pregnant and fallen for someone else - please help & don't judge

183 replies

Scarlettlou14 · 05/12/2014 14:28

Really need help with this one, I'm almost 7 months pregnant with my first child and I have a loving husband who works away from home for long periods of time, I love my husband very much but as I don't have much family around I'm on my own often.

recently I allowed the attentions of another man to get under my skin, he promised me the world and I genuinely genuinely believed he cared, against my better judgement we began sleeping together, it ended after a fews weeks and now I'm left feeling empty, I feel tremendous guilt for what I've done to my husband, I am disgusted with myself, Yet I feel like I've fallen for this other man who has made it clear though his actions that he goes not feel the same.

I feel the same hurt I would do in a breakup situation, I can't stop crying, it's been a difficult pregnancy with lots of problems. I am really hoping with all my heart this is just pregnancy hormones.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

please don't judge me, no body can make feel any worse than I do already xxxx

OP posts:
MNHQ
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 07/12/2014 08:06

@ChocolateNutsAndCreamLiquer

The vindictiveness of some of these posts is what's really vile

If posts aren't reported to us -we don't always see them.
IF YOU SEE ANYTHING ANYWHERE ON MUMSNET THAT YOU"RE NOT SURE OF, please please please JUST CLICK THE REPORT BUTTON! Thanks

May we also please remind you that Mumsnet's raison d'être is to make lives easier.

Peace and love

MNHQ
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 07/12/2014 08:09

@ChocolateNutsAndCreamLiquer

The moderators do not have a problem with bullying posts/posters as long as they side with the bully and believe the person on the receiving end deserves it.

Hmm Um. No. That's not right at all.

Here's a link to our talk guidelines.

We get that sometimes people come on to MN for some tough love, or to "Crowd Check" their reaction to a situation but we absolutely do NOT tolerate personal attacks.

What we can tell you, as per our previous post is that if there's something that you think we need to look at, PLEASE just click the report button
Thanks again

ChocolateNutsAndCreamLiquer · 07/12/2014 08:18

TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet - thank you for your comments

PossumPoo · 07/12/2014 08:29

Chocolate that was a rather pathetic sounding post. I've seen bullying on MN and this thread doesn't even come close.

If the OP came on here and said she was pregnant and suspected her DP to be cheating the advice would be TLB. Because her OM has dumped her lots of people are saying dont say anything, move on and forget it. So is an affair only a shit thing to do if a) you get found out b)it's the DH having an affair after not having any intimacy for a long time (another thread in relationships with most poster's saying what an arsehole ) or c) if you get dumped, are heavily pregnant and MN takes pity on you?

There's no bullying. The OP did a horrible thing and came on a public forum to discuss being dumped by OM Confused

notthatshesaid · 07/12/2014 08:37

I keep thinking about what I'd want to know in this scenario. If my partner made a one off, maybe drunken, selfish, impulsive mistake and instantly regretted it, I wouldn't want to know. We're all human.

If my partner had an affair where he slept with someone repeatedly, had an emotional connection, etc, i'm sorry but I would very much want to know. Your husband has a right to make an informed decision as to whether to continue in this marriage. Can you imagine how dreadful he'll feel if he one day discovers that not only was he cheated on but lied to for years too. I'll bet he's lonely working away too, missing all the baby scans and the chance to watch the bump grow.

It's up to you, it's your marriage, it's only your decision. That's just how I'd feel. You're just risking doing even greater damage to him and his ability to trust further down the line. Secrets have a habit of coming out.

Coyoacan · 07/12/2014 13:13

Thanks Olivia

Original poster
Scarlettlou14 · 07/12/2014 18:44

I know I deserve it but I honestly did not expect the level of personal attacks I have received on this thread.

I choose to discuss this on a public forum as I have no where else to turn.

I am very grateful to everyone that offered advice and support, a lot of which I will be taking on board.

Much love Scarlett x

OP posts:
lurkernowposter · 07/12/2014 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ChocolateNutsAndCreamLiquer · 07/12/2014 19:28

Scarlettlou14 - Glad you found somewhere to turn to. It's not easy. Contain your guilt and control the situation. It's going to create all sorts of mess if you, 'let the genie out of the bottle'. If so, you won't even want three wishes, you'll just want one i.e. that you never mentioned it.

Say nothing and get the future you want i.e. a happy family. Learn from the experience but put it behind you.

You did not expect the level of personal attacks received on this forum ? Really ? On MN ? (Some posters are as holier than thou self righteous as they come.)

Coyoacan · 07/12/2014 19:31

if you, 'let the genie out of the bottle'. If so, you won't even want three wishes, you'll just want one i.e. that you never mentioned it

Considering the reactions of complete strangers on here, I totally endorse this.

DrSethHazlittMD · 07/12/2014 19:39

Chocolate you say the OP wants a happy family? What gives you that idea? If she wanted that why the hell did she have an affair while pregnant?

I love the way that saying nothing basically means she gets away with it and gets her cake and eats it. She had her fling with no repercussions and can carry on living her lie as if she is still the person her husband married. He, on the other hand, is denied the chance to make the decision of whether he still wants that happy family with someone who is quite probably not the person he thought he married.

The OP never thought about her husband or her unborn child throughout their sordid affair. I find it astonishing to think that people really think it is morally acceptable to lie to their partner about something so incredibly fundamental to their whole marriage. Makes a mockery of whatever vows they made.

badbaldingballerina123 · 07/12/2014 19:59

The holier than thou comments are plain stupid. So are the self righteous ones. It's not holier than thou to disagree with a pregnant married women having an affair. Nor is it self righteous. Is it really that shocking that people don't approve ?

Maybe her husband will take a holier than thou attitude as well. May be you would too chocolate if you were on the receiving end of it . Or if maybe your son was.

Viviennemary · 07/12/2014 20:09

I don't think you should tell him. What would be the point. You've done a mad thing and you regret it now. Just move on and put it behind you. It can't be much fun if your DH works away a lot. I couldn't stand it myself. Hope things improve soon.

badbaldingballerina123 · 07/12/2014 20:12

I think your post is disturbing chocolate. I'm amazed how cheaters can easily find the support they need. Usually from other cheaters.

Basically , it isn't easy being a cheat. CONTROL the information your husband has access to. If you tell you will regret telling as opposed to regretting having done it. Screw your husband and get the future YOU want which is a bogus happy family at your husbands expense. The people who disagree are holier than thou who have unrealistic expectations of their spouse

Nice advice. Glad your not married to me.

badbaldingballerina123 · 07/12/2014 20:14

I don't know why people think the Op regrets the affair. She's fallen for him and has all these feeeeeelings. She regrets being dumped.

simontowers2 · 07/12/2014 20:16

The thing is, this is more than just an affair isn't it? If my wife slept with somebody else, perhaps i could forgive, in time. Who knows. If my wife slept with somebody when she was carrying my child, this puts a whole different slant on things. I'd be beyond repulsed; if that sounds harsh, well im sorry but i am sure most blokes would tell you the same thing. You asked not to be judged OP, but we all judge. Your husband has a fundamental right to know who his partner really is.

ChocolateNutsAndCreamLiquer · 07/12/2014 20:23

Scarlettlou14 has got a lot to regret. The affair, it ending, being dumped, feeling lost, feeling humiliated, wondering how she's going to get over it, giving birth early in the new year, feeling bad around her husband, feeling that she doesn't deserve anything good because her self esteem is on the floor, PND might be in her future that plus beating herself up over her affair-while-pregnant might have dreadful consequences.

I don't want to spell it out but let's just say, 'Bristol'.

If so, I hope that any of these posters who put the boot in will feel proud of themselves. No, they'll just name change and sympathise.

lurkernowposter · 07/12/2014 20:30

Chocolate aren't you being a little hysterical? Bristol, really? Because there's a chance op might suffer from PND in the future we should all say it's right to lie to her husband about shagging around behind his back?

Sorry, I'm not here to help soothe the OP's conscience and ease their guilt.

DrSethHazlittMD · 07/12/2014 20:36

Chocolate you really take the biscuit. Based on that logic, pregnant women should be given a free pass for everything and only be told that whatever they did was right and proper - you know, just in case.

Meerka · 07/12/2014 20:43

scarlett I havent read the full thread.

But your regret and remorse comes through very clearly to me.

If you are intensely lonely and isolated sometimes people get tempted and kind of don't stand strong when they should. Being pregnant brings a lot of other mental strains to adjust to - your whole mind is changing, some aspects on a physical level. It's the start of a new life and anyone needs support at this time.

Your husband was, with the best of intentions, away. This man preyed on you.

Now the decision to succumb to him was yours and it was wrong. You have to live with that. But your husband loves you, you love him from everythign that you say and you have checked yourself. It sounds very much like you want to be with him really. You are crying for the other man but it really sounds like you are crying more for the loss of a cloud-castle than for a real man. His character is shit (what decent man would home in on a pregnant woman?) no matter how nice his personality is.

Questions: can you live with what has happened or will it destroy you?

Would your husband ever forgive you?

This is pretty pragmatic but if you think you can live with yourself without having to confess, then don't. But for God's sake don't do anything like that again.

If you can't live with it then you have to cope with what will happen. It will be difficult. Your husband may forgive you but it will affect thigns for a long time - and in the coming months your hormones will be all over and you'll need more support anyway.

if he doesn't then sadly you may have to look at separating. That will be hard but you will survive, you, your husband and your baby. At a guess it would get easier over time.

You're the one who knows yourself best. What, in this situation, do you think you can live with and your husband can live with.

Take care. See clearly. Your little one will be here soon and he or she will need you and her father too, no matter the relationship that is between you and him.

Coyoacan · 07/12/2014 20:54

pregnant women should be given a free pass for everything

that's pretty much it, Dr Seth.

So what exactly would be gained by telling the husband? Misery for the husband, obviously, and most likely the end of the marriage. But that is ok because all these jackals are yelling for blood and for the OP to be punished.

But there is also the baby to worry about. And maybe as so many posters on here will say, she should have thought of that... but the husband and the baby are innocent.

Maybe it is my age, but I cannot condemn her for what she did. As far as I am concerned, she was alone and vulnerable when this happened.

ChocolateNutsAndCreamLiquer · 07/12/2014 20:59

Hysterical ? Me ? Oh that really is a hoot !

nozzz · 07/12/2014 21:02

What would be gained by telling the husband, not having to continue to live a lie for the foreseeable and beyond is one thing.

Greysanderson · 07/12/2014 21:05

Regret and remorse? I didn't see any of that she isn't crying because she is upset about what she did she is crying because she broke up with om.

In a way I hope you partner finds out but then I remember you have a child on the way. Sad state of affairs, even sadder for your husband who is nothing but an uncomprehending meal ticket.

badbaldingballerina123 · 07/12/2014 21:09

What a absurd thing to say about Bristol chocolate.

Let's have a look at that logic of yours. The Op keeps quiet. Husband finds out his pregnant wife has been cheating. He finds this thread and is horrified and humiliated that all these strangers support his wife's decision to withhold the information. He gets depressed , loses his job , splits up with the Op and his life is in tatters.

Will you feel proud of yourself chocolate? Or will you name change and sympathize?