Pregnant and fallen for someone else - please help & don't judge

[Scarlettlou14]

Really need help with this one, I'm almost 7 months pregnant with my first child and I have a loving husband who works away from home for long periods of time, I love my husband very much but as I don't have much family around I'm on my own often.

recently I allowed the attentions of another man to get under my skin, he promised me the world and I genuinely genuinely believed he cared, against my better judgement we began sleeping together, it ended after a fews weeks and now I'm left feeling empty, I feel tremendous guilt for what I've done to my husband, I am disgusted with myself, Yet I feel like I've fallen for this other man who has made it clear though his actions that he goes not feel the same.

I feel the same hurt I would do in a breakup situation, I can't stop crying, it's been a difficult pregnancy with lots of problems. I am really hoping with all my heart this is just pregnancy hormones.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

please don't judge me, no body can make feel any worse than I do already xxxx

You seem pretty clear on how you want to handle this, so my advice is to get over this fast - start trying to see the OM for the jerk he is and move on with your life. I think this is what you want to do, so do it. Right now you need to focus on getting sorted mentally and emotionally for your new arrival, and being the Mum you want to be. It's a new chapter, you made a mistake with a moron and by God, you won't do that again. Don't let him ruin this important time for you and your new family. And take some strength from this - when you feel the time is right, voice your loneliness to your husband. You owe it to yourself, him and your new baby. We all make 'f - ups' in life. Don't beat yourself up too much, it does you no good. Good luck, I wish you the best xx.

Thank you :) x

MN hypocrisy at its best! If OP had said her husband shagged someone else while she was pregnant the overwhelming response would be LTB!

Confess and take your punishment, if he has any sense he'll leave but you never know, maybe he won't.

Confess and take your punishment

As I said above I have never recommended anyone leave just for infidelity, and it is not about punishment, it is about three people's lives.

Personally as I have extreme difficulty even keeping a Xmas present secret, I think there is more punishment for the OP in not telling her partner than in being truthful, which would make him miserable and break up her child's family.

So she tells her DH.

That will not only kill their relationship (likely) but the relationship between him and his first child. He won't get to see it that much in the first year and then part-time thereafter.

So he doesn't just lose his wife and his marriage, but his child too. And the child loses what could have been with its father.

I think the OP suffering guilt and having to keep quiet is by far the better option.

I seriously don't think you will gain anything by telling him because if I found out that someone had done that to me it would be game over. Do you know for certain that this won't come out from the other man? Unfortunately you will have to handle the intense guilt that will follow this. Would counselling help?

I don't know if you should tell him or not. But I do fear that if you tell him, then he will forever doubt whether your dc is actually his...which may be a big factor.

Thank you everyone, I've already made the decision not to tell him and live with the guilt, wether that is the right decision or not only time will tell.

There are circumstances that lead me to confidently believe that the other man will not tell anyone.

I realise I should have thought about this before it all happened but my husband is so looking forward to the arrival of our first born, he does not deserve to be hurt because of what I have done or so I can ease my guilt. X

I advise you not to tell him. Has he been faithful to you all the time he has been away ? Only asking before I get flamed for that question.

I agree with Sunnyhaze and the male poster who's name I can't remember.

You will still have to deal with your own guilt about what happened even if you tell him. You will have to deal with all the fall out from this too if you mention it.

It's kind of old news to you. It will come as a shock to your husband. Your affair partner feels no guilt. Why can't you be the same.

You've got a baby to focus on. Celebrate that with your husband when the child is born. You will regret telling him more than you will regret the affair. The fact of the affair will never change. Why break his heart and cause him pain and anguish over something you already regret ?

You'll look back on this one day and see your affair for the five minute wonder it really was.

Thank you :) I have no reason to believe my husband has ever been unfaithful x

Thanks newnameplease I hope putting me down makes u feel better, as I mentioned before I couldn't feel any worse about what I have done If I tried.

Don't tell him. He will be disgusted with you and no amount of sorry will change that.

There's an element of selfishness expecting forgiveness from someone you've hurt. Especially if you've told them with the express reason of getting forgiveness.

You're only human. Flawed like everyone else. Fair bit of self righteous posters on this particular thread.

What you need to do is forgive yourself. Don't even bring the subject up when you consider yourself to be over it. It must remain secret forever, even when it's in the past when you are over it. Don't even bring it up in the middle of a row in years to come.

If you were " lonely " when you are Pregnant ( and presumably at work and seeing friends ) , you will be even more lonely when you are at home on maternity leave with a newborn.

You need to address these things now. Since you live in the county you NEED to learn to drive. Do so ASAP. Widen your circle of friends. If you are in a small town there WILL be things to do with a baby. Join a sport center /gym with a crèche or mother and baby classes.

how long are you planning to stay off work for ?

You also need to take a hard look at how and why you allowed your " friendship " with this man to cross appropriate boundaries. You need to stop all this " I was deceived " bollocks. The only one who was deceived is your DH.

Scarlettlou - you've got some healing to do whilst you get back into the, 'headspace' of readying yourself your baby's delivery and welcoming your husband home.

You've got a future to look forward to and a past to leave behind. Your relationship with your husband will rebuild itself as you communicate more.

Gosh NewNamePlease it must be wonderful never to have done anything you regretted.

Scarlettlou we have all made mistakes, even NewNamePlease.

If your husband ever queries if you have been fully faithful in the relationship OP, will you tell the truth?

If your DH did find out he will not believe the child is his after that. Your answers come across quite smug to be honest. I hope your husband does find out, horrible to think of him fawning over his DW and newborn with a dirty secret like that. Anyway, what sort of man has sex with a heavily pregnant woman who is carrying her DH child and what sort of woman lets him!

You should tell your husband so he can decide.

An affair is not a mistake, a mistake is buying the wrong size top or forgetting somebody doesn't like peas with their dinner. The OP fell for and slept with another man, something that would not have ever happened if she truly loved her husband. Being lonely means you find a hobby or take a class not go slagging another person.

The husband deserves to know. He has the right to decide if he wants to spend his life with somebody that has cheated on him whilst carrying his baby.

The OP wants her cake and to eat it. She's had her fun and now wants to keep it a secret so that she continues to have a partner to share the parenting and to provide financially.

I'm not keen on phrases such as this man got inside my head when I was vulnerable. Your not the victim and that's a victim statement. I don't agree with making life choices on someone else's behalf but each to their own. I think it's abusive and this is about protecting yourself.

Your lack of responsibility for this is obvious , considering that and also your feelings for the om , I think there's very little to prevent this affair from starting up again. Your also the only cheater I've ever heard of using condoms.

I'm sorry but if it was the other way round, you would want to know. I feel sorry for your husband. However you come across, despite all your talk, as only sorry for yourself.

My only advice would be to sort out some counselling for yourself so you can work through your issues. The reason you cheated are yours and yours alone. Not because you were lonely. Not because your husband works away. Please do not sit him down and make him feel guilty for how lovely you are while harbouring such a secret. Just seems like salt in the wound.

I don't mean to be overly harsh. None of us are perfect and I have made a fair few mistakes in my life too. I do accept full responsibility for mine though. I'm not sure you really have yet.

Lonely not lovely. What a perfect autocorrect

So if your husband used the excuse of being lonely while working away, then he too should be advised to keep it a secret? Please don't paint yourself as some victim here. This isn't a mistake. You need to confess to your DH if you had an inch of decency and respect in you.

I feel desperately sad for your husband in this. He only gets to know the side of you you feel like sharing. And of course the child being born into a house of cards.
It hasn't taken much for you to emotionally justify an affair. Maybe it's your pregnancy hormones, in which case, don't get pregnant again.