Pregnant and fallen for someone else - please help & don't judge

[Scarlettlou14]

Really need help with this one, I'm almost 7 months pregnant with my first child and I have a loving husband who works away from home for long periods of time, I love my husband very much but as I don't have much family around I'm on my own often.

recently I allowed the attentions of another man to get under my skin, he promised me the world and I genuinely genuinely believed he cared, against my better judgement we began sleeping together, it ended after a fews weeks and now I'm left feeling empty, I feel tremendous guilt for what I've done to my husband, I am disgusted with myself, Yet I feel like I've fallen for this other man who has made it clear though his actions that he goes not feel the same.

I feel the same hurt I would do in a breakup situation, I can't stop crying, it's been a difficult pregnancy with lots of problems. I am really hoping with all my heart this is just pregnancy hormones.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

please don't judge me, no body can make feel any worse than I do already xxxx

Not sure what 'help' you wanted, quite honestly. You clearly had already decided to keep quiet about your dirty little secret, so why bother posting? Your original posting smacked more of you being upset that your lover no longer wants you rather than anything else. "Oh woe is me".

Your poor husband has no idea that the woman he married and loves is a liar and a cheat. Not just once, but several times, and in fact will be a liar for as long as the marriage continues. Lucky him. He gets to live a lie through no fault of his own.

Why don't you leave him and allow him to find someone who does truly love him? Because clearly, despite what you say, you can't, or you wouldn't have made these repeated mistakes.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but this wasn't some one-off drunken mistake (which would still be pretty damn out of order). This was a calculated, fully aware affair.

If you admit now, there MAY be a chance to save the marriage. If he finds out later, it's almost definitely game over and far more acrimonious than it might be through being honest.

You say that you love your husband OP, yet you have cheated on him and are now full of guilt. The comment that the OM offered you the world and this comment about your husband do not sit well together. Clearly your husband was not promising you the world, but who can? Like others I get the impression that this affair (adultery - yes, thats what it was) would be continuing if the OM hadnt pulled the plug on it. You make nice comments about the father to be but clearly do not care much about whether you hurt him or not. Consequently you now have a major problem. You might be able to keep quiet about it, but it seems that the guilt will eat you up and so at some point you may have to confess. My advice is to get some counselling as to what you really want from your life.

Are you going to commit adultery again, because as others have suggested that does seem a possibility. If you can do it whilst pregnant and in a settled relationship then what will happen when the chips are down and your marriage is going through a difficult phase? Others have husbands working away but they do not play away.

I hope you don`t think I have no sympathy for you OP because I am very aware that we are all human and hence will make mistakes. The important thing is that you accept a huge mistake has been made and try to find a way to move forward. Part of moving forward is being honest to yourself as to why you did this, hence the counselling.

Should you tell your husband? Perhaps not at this point in your life (baby on the way) but maybe in a few years time, assuming you are still with him by then. That choice is yours.

So WHY did you embark on the affair OP? What was it really about?

Whoops meant MN hypocrisy

I don't think a male poster would be getting different answers here. OP's gender has absolutely nothing to do with it in my eyes. I have always told my DP that should he stray and regret it I do not want to know. We both have had parents who had affairs so it's not that peculiar that this has come up. To make comments like, "if you were in his position you'd want to know" is just patently untrue. To some, ignorance really is bliss. This is assuming that the partner has no idea about the affair incidentally, different kettle of fish if there are suspicions and they're asking questions.

The fact that you're heavily pregnant makes it pretty grim, I'm not going to lie. Fact is, him working away isn't working out. You need to think about this long term, potentially moving so that you have his support as a partner when you have a child. If you're not going to tell him (a decision I agree with) then you need to start taking ownership right now, as opposed to making excuses. Look at your behaviour, look at why you fell for this fella so easily. Consider some counselling or therapy, but you've got to be honest with how this happened as opposed to blaming it all on OM.

Thank you for your comments everyone, I am certainly not smug or blaming anyone else for this mess it's all my fault, I have never in my life felt more ashamed and broken.

It's what I do now that is important and at the end of the day my babies health and therefore my own mental state it what is my priority.

Counselling is something I will be looking into x

"It's what I do now that is important and at the end of the day my babies health and therefore my own mental state it what is my priority."

Does your husband and your marriage come into the equation at all?

Yes of course it does.

I highly doubt if a man came on here saying he had had an affair as he was lonely whilst his wife was working hard away to provide for him he would be told it's just a mistake and there's no need to tell her. MN has very double standards at times.

Even now OP, it's all about you. The most important thing is that what you do now, what a crock of rubbish given you intend to lie to your husband. The most important thing should be telling him you broke your marriage vows and letting him decide what he wants in a wife.

If you don't tell him, I hope somebody else does.

Assuming you are being honest about your feelings then you will at some point need to forgive yourself and to be honest to your husband. I am aware that some keep these sort of secrets to their grave but the guilt must surely gnaw away and hence have a very detrimental effect on them. Would your husband want to know? Well the jury of MN has mixed views on on this one. Just in case Daisy was referring to me, I personally would hope to confess my affair, but that has to be up to the individual concerned. Thats just me, but I (and no-one else on MN) am not you. Yes, you have made a mistake (what else would you call it?), albeit a huge one, but you, your husband and your baby still have a future and you need to find out if it is to be together, so hence counselling is advised to help you get to this decision. Ultimately you are going to be very honest, especially to yourself, about yourself. The mistake has been made, its now about moving forward. Hope this helps.

going to have to be very honest (sorry the words have to were missed out).

I think you will rapidly lose respect for your husband now you've successfully got away with making a fool of him. I think you'll find him boring compared to the excitement of om. It sounds like your husband is simply around to provide financial support.

If the om hadn't got rid of you this affair would still be going on.

Gosh, I thought the rules of mumsnet were to help the OP, not to slag them off.

I'm afraid some people are making you, OP, a whipping boy for whatever is going on in their own lives.

Thanks everyone but yes Coyoacan I did expect some negativity as well as a number of people judging, as it is a very sensitive issue for many people, but in general a lot of the advice has been very helpful.

I am certainly more positive and thinking more clearly than I was yesterday :)

I'm certainly not trying to give anyone a sob story as we all have tough lives but moving closer to my husbands work is not really an option at the moment as I am a carer for my mother, along with other situations I won't go into on here, I'm hoping we can find another way though this and I'm positive we can :)

It isn't actually about whether the OP feels bad at the moment or not.

It's about the choices she faces now.

Personally, I do not think it would be remotely fair to ask a DH to make a major career shift (ie not to be away) for family reasons, when he actually does not know some big, important stuff about what his family dynamics are really like.

Choosing not to tell also means living forever with the guilt. Not self-flagellation at times of particular crisis. But actual, long lasting knowledge of change, and that you do not have full awareness and trust.

It will probably also help you to stop trying to control what people say to you about this, and really read the full range of responses whether you like them or not. Again, nothing to do with how you're feeling, but to look wider and really examine as much as you can.

You made the choices which led you to this situation. You need to act to deal with it. I would urge you to do so thoroughly, and without restrictions on what you are prepared to hear.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter one jot to us how you deal with this and whether you learn well from it. But it'll matter a huge deal to you.

Thank you, I would never ask my husband to leave his job, he has such pride in it and has worked hard to be a success, in an ideal world I could seek some help with the care of my mother to allow me to visit my him more often, I'm going to look into what help is available with citizens advice on Monday.

I will sort this and make it right

Coyocan it's not remotely anything to do with what's going on in our own lives. You say we're supposed to help the OP. I think what many of us are dishing out is a bit of "tough love" or some cold hard facts to try and make her see the bigger picture, not the "woe is me" crap. I'm not sure, as I said earlier, what help the OP actually wanted. Her original posting seemed to be that she wanted some help in getting over her affair, rather than anything to do with her poor husband or child that's going to be born into this potential mess. That was never going to end well, was it?

I am quite shocked by the hypocritical bullshit that is coming out in this thread.

OP people are telling you to not tell your DH, what a vile a nasty thing to do. He has every right to know. Say you keep it quite for 10 years and then he somehow finds out, he will feel like has just wasted ten years of his life living with a liar and a cheat. You came on here for advice, tell your husband, let him decide what happens going forward, IMO you lost the right to any decision when you slept with other man.

OP this is no longer about you, fuck what you want (which is basically what you said to your H when you slept with OM) this is now about your H and C.

And ffs MN so much double standards and hypocrisy on here lately.

The vindictiveness of some of these posts is what's really vile

The vindictiveness of some of these posts is what's really vile

I know ChocolateNutsAndCreamLiquer, where are the moderaters? I think this could be classified as bullying, it's disgusting

Bullying my arse. I'm with empha , I've never heard such double standard shit. She came on here to get reinforcement and got it in spades. I wonder how many of the people who went along with the mistake nonsense and to keep quiet would tolerate the same treatment from their own spouse.

If this was the ops husband who had been fucking around the same people would be saying ltb. How many would be saying it was a mistake and he's probably learnt from it ? He didn't tell you because he didn't want to upset you ? That would be ridiculous , just as this is ridiculous.

Well, this is a mess, but you know that. In your shoes, I would try to find calm. Have the baby, sit tight, then reconsider your relationship and see if what is left is worth keeping. That is a very selfish viewpoint but hey ho, needs must. Sometimes you need to put yourself first; seven months pregnant is one of those times. People will whine and cry at the injustice of my advice but fuck them, it is your life, not theirs. Good luck xx

The moderators do not have a problem with bullying posts/posters as long as they side with the bully and believe the person on the receiving end deserves it.