To be sat on the sofa crying again because MIL is a cunt and DH is a spineless little mummy's boy.

[BramwellBrown]

Sorry long but it doesn't make sense otherwise and I don't want to drip feed.

MIL has spent the last 7 years bullying and belittling me at every opportunity and can be really spiteful.

MIL decided she would take DD to visit a different Father Christmas this year, one of the expensive ones that has a petting farm with reindeer, DD loved the reindeer and said he wasn't a bad Father Christmas as it goes but his grotto wasn't as good as the 'real one' I usually take DD to at the church fair, where FC knows DD's name and asks how her dog is etc (and is my Dad). MIL 'oh for goodness sake you're 6 any normal child your age knows the truth by now, that grubby church hall your mum takes you to isn't real either, there's no such thing as Father Christmas and Christmas is just a made up load of commercial rubbish celebrating the birth of an imaginary baby.' DD is really upset and doesn't even want her advent calendar because she says there's nothing to look forward to now, I know DD was likely to find out the truth about Father Christmas soon and fully expected this to be the last year she really believed in him but I'm furious that MIL would be so spiteful as to tell her like that or imply there was something wrong with her for not knowing and can't even describe how angry I am about the rest of it, I'm Catholic.

MIL then came round yesterday with a huge shopping bag of sweets for DD and none for DS as hes not DH's biological son I told DD to pick 1 for her and 1 for DS and I'd put the rest away for later, MIL starts on about me being mean and ridiculous, part of childhood is eating sweets til you feel sick I mentioned to MIL how upset DD is and MIL started screaming in my face and calling me stupid, DS tried to stick up for me but DH didn't say a word, then this morning MILs just text saying shes picking DD up from school at 3.15, I've said not today, she sent back 'it wasn't a question'. as it happens DD has a school play this afternoon so I will already be at the school (MIL was invited before the argument but school plays are boring) So DH and I have started the day on an argument because I asked him to have a word with his mum and he told me to stop winding her up.

AIBU to think its not I'm winding her up, she's just a cunt and that if DH loved me or had any respect for me he'd step in occasionally, I don't want him to go NC or anything but the odd 'Mum, that's enough' would be nice, I wouldn't let my parents treat him like this and its making me question if i want to be with him anymore.

No it's a unanimous Yanbu....

Oh and yes....buy the snake....today

Yes, buy the snake.

But if your husband never accepts that things need to get better for you and your children, I don't think you should stay with him. He doesn't sound nice at all.

You need to be tough with h. This not just a little area of disagreement, but a big one affecting your chikdren and you. You need to sit down, take no shit from h, and tell him how it is! This will eventually affect your relationship with h, it already is! Yes he is scared f her, even though she is like that, had has a certain allegiance to her, but no he has to defend his fami,y. Tell him as my mil would say, are you a man or a mouse!

Your ds has more in his little finger tip, than your h has in his whole body. You should feel proud, and h ashamed, that a child is doing what he should be doing.

No no no never doubt yourself. Print this thread out and keep it, read it when you have doubt.

Yes yes yes to snaky

Snakes are great

Buy the snake and name it after MIL.
I wouldn't let her near my children after behaviour like that.

Hi OP, I haven't read the hundreds of responses jus your post. But I am sure everyone has said what a vile creature your MIL sounds. In her defence she sounds like a very damaged woman to say something so awful to such a young child.

Im pretty rubbish with advice but could you ask your dad aka Father Christmas to tell her something along the lines of sometimes adults don't believe but doesn't mean it's not real or if I'm not real how can I be sat here talking to you & you get all your presents.

I would sit your dh down & tell him that MIL will not be seeing dd again until she apologises to not only you but dd.

Please don't doubt yourself. I know how it has happened, but trust me you don't need to.
Your dh has grown up with this, so it's his normal....that's why he's so convinced he's right. He sees nothing wrong with it because he doesn't know any different.

"It wasn't a question" is a jaw droppingly arrogant and presumptuous thing to say to you. Personally, I'd let her have it. "How dare you presume to dictate to me??"

The fact that your dh responds to discussion about his bat shit crazy, overpowering bully mother by having a go at yours because she's fat, makes me wonder if there is any point in even trying to introduce more appropriate boundaries for your mil and sort things out. I mean...that sort of comeback is just small isn't it? It's pathetic and nasty...it's irrelevant and malicious, and stupidly shuts you down from talking about the real issue - his own mother's dysfunction. I couldn't have any respect for a person who responded like your dh does.

Sorry to say it OP, but I think you've got a hard time on your hands with this pair.

he slag off your family calling your mother 'fat' and taking the piss out of your father's literacy issues? he sounds like a 12yo OP! that's not an adult response surely?

it's adding up to a really not very good picture of him.

i can't imagine your son feels secure in a situation where someone treats him like that (mil giving sweets to one not the other) and his SF doesn't stick up for him ergo reiniforcing that he is an outsider, shouldn't expect to be treated the same. that would certainly need dealing with imo for your son's sake.

buy snake and keep it in sitting room. And another one for the guest room (if you have one), just to make sure.

On some level your DH knows his mother was a crap parent and he isn't an idiot or nasty. He argues with you and becomes defensive because it's the only way of dealing with the fact that it is deeply painful to admit that his mother was an awful role model. Sadly a terrible parent often has a knock on effect to the next generation unless they are really determined to be different.

You are doing the right thing by waiting to calm down before speaking to MIL. I suggest that you have a long chat with your DH too and explain that your DS is already showing signs of damage from the unhealthy relationship with MIL (by needing to defend you) and you and your DC want very little future contact with her but he is free to see her on his own. He will probably be very upset and either become angry or admit that you are completely right. Would he be prepared to see a counsellor for a few sessions either with you or on his own?

Yes, I agree your instincts are spot on and now you just need to take control, without anger, but putting clear and precise boundaries down (in writing if need be). Everything, including the unfairness towards your DS, needs addressing. So clear rules, such as both children must be treated equally, must be set out so there can be no misunderstanding. Every time boundaries are overstepped, firmly refer your MIL back to the rules. If she can't comply, she can't have a relationship with her GC....it really is as simple as that. Make it clear to your DH exactly what the plan is and insist on his support. He cannot disagree with all reasonable boundaries, so you must think it out carefully before communicating them, so that they are unarguably fair on all of you. Good Luck!

What about an anaconda?

I don't speak to my MIL. At all. It's been a blissful 14 months or so now.

You do NOT have to see this nasty vile woman.

He can, she's his mother. Let him sort her out.

Do you really think your children should be exposed to this type of behaviour?? Put your foot down, you don't owe anyone an explanation for refusing to put up with toxic behaviour.

Not only would I buy the snake but I'd be tempted to name it after MIL too

Exactly Pictish and honey, your h dies not sound very nice. He is not picking on legitimate things and giving you good points that your parents may have done, but scraping the bottom of the barrel, being nasty and spiteful like his mother. You haven't got his support there, that's a biggie.

I'd make sure you make a quick getaway at 3 pm this afternoon. If she is going to pick up her she might get there early. When I pick my GC up I always get to school 15 minutes early so I can find a parking space. The last thing you will want is daughter in the middle of a tug of war outside school.

And from a granny and MIL, good luck, we aren't all like this.

pick her up not not pick up her.

Just thought as one Catholic to another, can you emphasise the religious side of Christmas, the story of St Nicholas? Might make up for ruining the Santa bit.

OP you've been well advised on the MIL stuff and I have nothing helpful on that. But she sounds like a total pita.

For your dd- if she hasn't seen polar express yet- that may be a good way to minimise the impact. The little boy rediscovers his belief in FC. Might be good to show it to her and talk about granny not being able to hear the bell ring. for you.

Ketchup Not only would I buy the snake but I'd be tempted to name it after MIL too

Tempting.

Sorry your DH can't see the flaming obvious.

Your DH says YOU are being unreasonable?!!! Sorry but you have the worse MIL in the whole of MN - show your DH this thread.

Blimey, she sounds off her head. Your DH sounds like he's been brainwashed to think this is normal.

What sort of snake are you getting?