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Original poster

To be sat on the sofa crying again because MIL is a cunt and DH is a spineless little mummy's boy.

722 replies

BramwellBrown · 05/12/2014 07:01

Sorry long but it doesn't make sense otherwise and I don't want to drip feed.

MIL has spent the last 7 years bullying and belittling me at every opportunity and can be really spiteful.

MIL decided she would take DD to visit a different Father Christmas this year, one of the expensive ones that has a petting farm with reindeer, DD loved the reindeer and said he wasn't a bad Father Christmas as it goes but his grotto wasn't as good as the 'real one' I usually take DD to at the church fair, where FC knows DD's name and asks how her dog is etc (and is my Dad). MIL 'oh for goodness sake you're 6 any normal child your age knows the truth by now, that grubby church hall your mum takes you to isn't real either, there's no such thing as Father Christmas and Christmas is just a made up load of commercial rubbish celebrating the birth of an imaginary baby.' Shock DD is really upset and doesn't even want her advent calendar because she says there's nothing to look forward to now, I know DD was likely to find out the truth about Father Christmas soon and fully expected this to be the last year she really believed in him but I'm furious that MIL would be so spiteful as to tell her like that or imply there was something wrong with her for not knowing and can't even describe how angry I am about the rest of it, I'm Catholic.

MIL then came round yesterday with a huge shopping bag of sweets for DD and none for DS as hes not DH's biological son I told DD to pick 1 for her and 1 for DS and I'd put the rest away for later, MIL starts on about me being mean and ridiculous, part of childhood is eating sweets til you feel sick Shock I mentioned to MIL how upset DD is and MIL started screaming in my face and calling me stupid, DS tried to stick up for me but DH didn't say a word, then this morning MILs just text saying shes picking DD up from school at 3.15, I've said not today, she sent back 'it wasn't a question'. as it happens DD has a school play this afternoon so I will already be at the school (MIL was invited before the argument but school plays are boring) So DH and I have started the day on an argument because I asked him to have a word with his mum and he told me to stop winding her up.

AIBU to think its not I'm winding her up, she's just a cunt and that if DH loved me or had any respect for me he'd step in occasionally, I don't want him to go NC or anything but the odd 'Mum, that's enough' would be nice, I wouldn't let my parents treat him like this and its making me question if i want to be with him anymore.

OP posts:
HamPortCourt · 10/12/2014 16:34

I don't think MIL should be anywhere near DD. I agree with the mantra that if someone is too toxic for you they are certainly too toxic for your children. Your primary role is to protect your DC and you appear to have been doing a bloody brilliant job of that so far Bram

I cannot stand all this "Oh but she is their grandmother" crap that people throw at you when you try to protect children from toxic relatives. So what?

Original poster
BramwellBrown · 10/12/2014 16:38

I'm not sure where to go from here, if DH agrees not to mention MIL to DD at all then I think we can work on saving our marriage but I want to think about it a bit longer.

diddl, I think I'd have to but that MIL will have to work around times that DS wouldn't have to come with me

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2014 16:43

Take time to think about it, don't rush. Mabey talk to your parents or brothers about it. Do you love him? Do you want to be with him? If tge answer is yes, give him the chance, if it happens again he's out tge door, if not finish it with him.

Whereisegg · 10/12/2014 16:52

I wouldn't necessarily let dd see her just because she had asked, mil has to prove herself here too.
She has been vicious to a little girl and downright abusive to you.

Take your time though bram, you're in charge here Smile

mix56 · 10/12/2014 17:00

See if DD asks to see her grandmother, if she does, you need to have decided the outcome, but this woman blew Father Xmas out of her childhood...what kind of granny would so ruthlessly do that. If DD was to go with her father, it would have to be dealt with carefully so that Mil wasn't trying to influence or otherwise manipulate the situation, she will be LIVID & probably vindictive.
Xmas with her is OUT I hope ?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 10/12/2014 17:04

You said you'd let DS decide to see his paternal grandparents. I presume they had at least come across as normal or hadn't done anything obviously toxic before then. If so, the situation with your MIL is different, she has said some awful things and clearly has a history of being toxic. Therefore I think you're quite right to decide about contact between MIL and DD.

Hoping your DP seeks counselling to deal with his mother and I wish you the very best of luck. You've done a stunning job with your DS and should be so proud.

Meerka · 10/12/2014 17:23

This sounds very hopeful bramwell.

And agreed with everyone else that it was really well handled, to say "I'll think about it" rather than a snap decision.

Also agreed that further contact between MIL and DD should not be a given. She is proven spiteful and your DD is sensitive. (could some of her insecurity have come from picking up the interactions with MIL?)

In this situation as well, you will very quickly become The Evil Mother. it's possible that your MIL will use every opportunity to undermine and badmouth you ... and you know how subtly it can be done, you can't rely on your husband to either realise what's going on or to stop it if he does.

Seriously, spitefulness and a vulnerable child is a very bad combination.

But it looks like at least your husband is starting to wake up. Here's to that waking up carrying on and that he can begin to see clearly. And here's to you Wine

Meerka · 10/12/2014 17:27

Regarding DD's veiws on seeing her grandmother - you said that with your DS you were young and it might not have been the right decision. As it turns out, it's been ok but you couldn't know that beforehand. I think myself that this is a situation where you have to make the decision yourself.

Later down the road, if you are pretty sure your husband can stand up to her, you can consider some limited contact (though again, watch your back). But at this stage it seems wiser to keep them apart.

Joysmum · 10/12/2014 17:43

I'm not sure where to go from here, if DH agrees not to mention MIL to DD at all then I think we can work on saving our marriage but I want to think about it a bit longer

Tbh I don't know that that'll work.

You've only got to read through all the threads on here by those in abusive relationships. They've been conditioned to them for such a long time that they really don't know how to deal with it or break the cycle.

He's a victim of an abusive mother and you would expect him to try to achieve this alone and keep quiet about it Sad

Original poster
BramwellBrown · 10/12/2014 18:15

I'm not expecting him to do it alone, just not to talk to DD about it, she's only 6.

you said that with your DS you were young and it might not have been the right decision. As it turns out, it's been ok but you couldn't know that beforehand exactly, and if I was making that decision now I think I probably would have chosen for him but at the time I'd only experienced my wonderful grandparents so just assumed all grandparents were like that (which to be fair DS' are)

OP posts:
Meerka · 10/12/2014 18:31

mm. that would tip the scales, knowing they are wonderful. Not quite sure you can say that about the others, ahem ...

Joysmum · 10/12/2014 19:35

My apologies, I've misunderstood you.

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide. It's not easy. I'm NC with my grandparents, my mum goes through periods of NC and for her that's no easier than being in contact and calling them on their behaviour when she feels able to. She's not happy to completely go NC.

She was NC with her mother (my grandfather remarried) and I never met my 'nan'. She did that to protect me and had no qualms she did the right thing so it was different than for her dad and step-mum.

If only magic wands existed. Sad

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 11/12/2014 00:01

Just adding to the general chorus of "well handled" - and I think there is no need at all at your DD's current age to put the onus of deciding whether or not to see her GM on her. In other words, you need to make that decision for her for now. IF she starts to sob and wail that she misses grandma, THEN you can rethink it - but for now, do what you have to to keep her safe from the poison.

Re your DH - I think you might need to insist him having some form of therapy is a necessary step in your marriage's recovery - because I honestly believe that if he refuses to try it, then you won't ever be able to believe that he truly thinks she is a problem, and your marriage will founder on your lack of trust. He's already said he doesn't know how to deal with it, well nor do you know how to help him deal with it, so his only option is to go and learn how to deal with it/her from someone who CAN help him with that, and you will support him through it.
I'm pleased that it appears he understands and accepts how awful his mother is - that's a good start.

Thanks and Wine for you. x

MissMarplesBloomers · 13/12/2014 10:18

How are you all doing Bramwell? Smile

Somethingtodo · 13/12/2014 15:07

Please do not expose your DD to this toxic loon.

Look how she has destroyed you OH, your marriage, you - why would you wish this on you DD?

She will not change - she will use manipulative charm to get to you DD - before she then pollutes and injures her with her toxicity (probably directly and indirectly against you).

It has taken a lifetime for your OH and 7 years for you to wake up to what is happening. Your DD is not in any position to make an informed decision.

Do not hand her over to the spawn of the devil - your gut is right. Do not act with FOG just because she is blood.

Release your family from the emotional trauma and blight that is this woman - spend you time and emotions with the lovely positive people in your life who will nourish your family.

Keep strong. Sx

BramwellLovesSnowflakeBiscuits · 14/12/2014 22:37

We're doing ok, DH has come home and we had planned to spend some time talking through things over the weekend but my mum had a fall and broke her shoulder so I've been over there helping her out and I haven't actually seen him properly.

Joysmum · 15/12/2014 09:16

Glad to hear that.

Your story is one I've got my fingers crossed for. This won't be easy for either of you but I hope you can get through it together Flowers

chubbymummy · 16/12/2014 00:08

How's it going OP?

mix56 · 16/12/2014 07:55

Sorry your mum has had a fall.
& Hoping all is calm & that a resolution re MIL has been reached between you & OH.
Has he made an appointment for dealing with MFH (mother from hell) or is he now saying, "oh I'll do it after Christmas"....... ?
Do not go to Xmas at her house... She can reap what she has sown.

diddl · 16/12/2014 08:06

Oh no, just seen about your mum, OP.
(missed it before as no longer highlighted)

How's she doing?

Meerka · 16/12/2014 10:02

sorry about your mother and the fall, hope she is recovering.

Can you use it for an excuse to avoid MIL? You'll have to face this fight at some point but you've enough on your plate right now.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 16/12/2014 17:03

HOw are things now, Bramwell? Sorry to hear about your mum's shoulder, that's bloody rough! Shock Is she going to need surgery, or is she getting on ok?

Hope you and your husband manage to have "the talk" before Christmas because you do really need to sort some things out, like whether or not you should have any contact whatsoever with the toxic bitch. I'd keep your DD away as well as the chances of her belief in FC surviving another encounter with the woman are slim to none. :(

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