To be sat on the sofa crying again because MIL is a cunt and DH is a spineless little mummy's boy.

[BramwellBrown]

Sorry long but it doesn't make sense otherwise and I don't want to drip feed.

MIL has spent the last 7 years bullying and belittling me at every opportunity and can be really spiteful.

MIL decided she would take DD to visit a different Father Christmas this year, one of the expensive ones that has a petting farm with reindeer, DD loved the reindeer and said he wasn't a bad Father Christmas as it goes but his grotto wasn't as good as the 'real one' I usually take DD to at the church fair, where FC knows DD's name and asks how her dog is etc (and is my Dad). MIL 'oh for goodness sake you're 6 any normal child your age knows the truth by now, that grubby church hall your mum takes you to isn't real either, there's no such thing as Father Christmas and Christmas is just a made up load of commercial rubbish celebrating the birth of an imaginary baby.' DD is really upset and doesn't even want her advent calendar because she says there's nothing to look forward to now, I know DD was likely to find out the truth about Father Christmas soon and fully expected this to be the last year she really believed in him but I'm furious that MIL would be so spiteful as to tell her like that or imply there was something wrong with her for not knowing and can't even describe how angry I am about the rest of it, I'm Catholic.

MIL then came round yesterday with a huge shopping bag of sweets for DD and none for DS as hes not DH's biological son I told DD to pick 1 for her and 1 for DS and I'd put the rest away for later, MIL starts on about me being mean and ridiculous, part of childhood is eating sweets til you feel sick I mentioned to MIL how upset DD is and MIL started screaming in my face and calling me stupid, DS tried to stick up for me but DH didn't say a word, then this morning MILs just text saying shes picking DD up from school at 3.15, I've said not today, she sent back 'it wasn't a question'. as it happens DD has a school play this afternoon so I will already be at the school (MIL was invited before the argument but school plays are boring) So DH and I have started the day on an argument because I asked him to have a word with his mum and he told me to stop winding her up.

AIBU to think its not I'm winding her up, she's just a cunt and that if DH loved me or had any respect for me he'd step in occasionally, I don't want him to go NC or anything but the odd 'Mum, that's enough' would be nice, I wouldn't let my parents treat him like this and its making me question if i want to be with him anymore.

Yes by having him in the home, he is thinking all is well now and can get back in his old ways. You need neutral territory to set boundaries to him, and that you are taking this seriously! That he cannot wheedle his way back in.

I think meeting somewhere else also makes it easirr for you to leave, rather than you trying to make him leave 'his' house.
Also, people being there means it's less likely to dissolve into a slanging match.

Another voice for neutral ground in addition to all the reasons above - if he comes home then either you are in the kitchen making coffee- serving him as before or he is in the kitchen going in the cupboards as usual making it seem as if everything is back as it was. A cafe somewhere else changes the dynamic from the start

He's too spineless to refuse to leave or be a problem when angry, stomping off in a huff is more his style but point taken about setting boundaries, I'll get him to meet me in town.

I think the only way we can start to move on to be honest is if he admits that MIL's unreasonable and the cause of most of our problems (not all but a lot of arguments in this house start from something shes said or done) and agrees to tell her she is not allowed to contact me or the DC or come anywhere near the house until I can trust him to pull her up on her crap, he can of course go see her by himself, as long as its far away from me and I don't have to hear about her latest drama.

Ideally I'd like him to realise MIL is actually the spawn of Satan and that his life would be considerable easier and happier without her in it but I think that has to be something he realises and decides by himself, as long as the DC and I don't have to deal with her or get the backlash from her being a bitch, then I don't think its up to me to try to make that decision for him.

You have every right to expect that, and set a standard that you expect from him. If he does not, well tgat would be a dealbreaker. Good luck today Bram

bramwell, another poster called HappyMum is having similar problems that have led to a major rift with her husband. She may just in the last couple days have cautiously found a way forward. Is it worth having a look at her thread and giving her tactics? here

He is probably shitting himself now because you have stuck to your guns!

Go you

Bramwell I've just read the entire thread and I'm in awe. You've had one of the shittiest starts in life and yet you are a strong, brave, highly intelligent woman who has raised a truly remarkable DS when you yourself were just a child yourself and then endured 7 years of cruelty from this thing called your MIL. You and your DS are both extraordinary, and your DD sounds like she's from the same mould.
I hope it goes well today. I don't need to advise you not to take any shit from your DH, because you clearly won't.

How did it go Bram?

Rooting for you Bram, and hope your meet up with him goes smoothly and you get go to say what you want. You and the DC should be his number 1 priority.

My MIL is fairly toxic at times, snipey comments a couple of times at me and a big falling out a couple of years ago after her being extremely rude and abusive to my father. My DH told her is was not on, had a go and didn't speak to her for a year. She is actually quite pleasant now, as she knows if she crosses the line, me, my DS and my DH will not speak to her. So there is light at the end of the tunnel and now the MIL might think woah, she isn't someone I can walk over, she bites back.

Fingers crossed for your conversation with him.

Good luck Bram. Hope the meeting goes well. It does seem that you dh has backed down a little so hopefully he will fully acknowledge just how toxic his mother is and the impact it has on your relationship, then take steps rectify this.

Hope you're ok - thinking of you x

Totally off the main topic Bram, but for sore lips I recommend Lansinoh cream, yes the one you use whilst breast feeding for sore nipples! It works brilliantly on dry, cracked sore lips.

Well, he has admitted that she is a bitch, that its her causing issues and that he needs to back me up more but doesn't know how to do that, he says he will give counseling a go, he has agreed not to have her round the house or near me and DS, he's also agreed not to take DD to see her at the moment but if DD were to ask to see her with him we would have to discuss it again, he's also asked that she be allowed to send her usual parcels of Christmas and birthday crap as long as she gets something for DS too.

I've said I'll think about it, I'm not bothered about the presents, I will check them and read the cards before letting the DC have them but frankly I can't see a gift bag of bits and bobs being a big issue (courts ordered DS' father was allowed to send DS similar parcels twice a year, we manage with that and he's done far more damage than MIL)

Its DD choosing whether to see her that I'm stuck on, she's very young to be put in that position and I'm not sure she can deal with it, DH has pointed out DS was actually younger than DD when I let him choose about meeting his paternal grandparents but I don't know, a) DS is much stronger emotionally, more confident in his opinion and won't be influenced by anyone, while DD would be pretty easy to guilt trip and b) I was much younger then and possibly didn't think it through as thoroughly as I should have (it worked out ok for DS but that was more down to luck than good parenting) but then by not letting her have a say am I telling DD that her opinion matters less than DS'?

It is absolutely brilliant that you felt able to say "I'll think about it" rather than an angry, knee jerk reaction.
It gives you time to process your concerns, and you're right in that something working well for one dc, doesn't mean it will work well for the other.

That's what the stuffs called Spadequeen, thank you. I hadn't thought of using it on lips, my brother asked me as apparently my nephew is quite the biter.

That's a good outcome, he is finally seeing it from your point of view is having strategies to deal with it. It is also great that he is considering counselling, hope that he takes tgat up. You still have that tree with your treasured decorations and things that you hold dear.

You also need to consider (though I'm sure you have already) that ds probably had a harder time when you went through this with his paternal grandparents. It was up to you and ds to decide what contact could go ahead and to what extent contact should be maintained as - I assume from your posts - that his father didn't have much to do with him.

Dd already has contact with her father, so there isn't the same weight placed on contact with paternal grandparents to maintain that "link"?

I'm probably not explaining myself very well - sorry

How do you feel? Where do you think this has left you in terms of moving forward?

So what are your next steps Bram?

Re MIl seeing your daughter.

just remember how nasty/spiteful MIL was to her, a 6yr old because she criticised something that MIL took her to.

Obviously let him see his mum, but I think no asking/prompting your daughter re MIL.

Let it come completely from her.

Just to say am really pleasantly surprised on your behalf Bram. Sounds like he's had a massive wake-up call. You're right to say you'll think about it. You're well and truly in the driving seat now.

And if she does want to go, could you bear to go also, to step in/leave if necessary?

Sounds good. And you are right to distinguish between the different natures of your children, though when I was a child it seemed soooo unfair.

Yes I think he's had a wake up call, and your taking control, in this area of your relationship you need to be in drving seat until your h is able to defend his family.