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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be sat on the sofa crying again because MIL is a cunt and DH is a spineless little mummy's boy.

722 replies

BramwellBrown · 05/12/2014 07:01

Sorry long but it doesn't make sense otherwise and I don't want to drip feed.

MIL has spent the last 7 years bullying and belittling me at every opportunity and can be really spiteful.

MIL decided she would take DD to visit a different Father Christmas this year, one of the expensive ones that has a petting farm with reindeer, DD loved the reindeer and said he wasn't a bad Father Christmas as it goes but his grotto wasn't as good as the 'real one' I usually take DD to at the church fair, where FC knows DD's name and asks how her dog is etc (and is my Dad). MIL 'oh for goodness sake you're 6 any normal child your age knows the truth by now, that grubby church hall your mum takes you to isn't real either, there's no such thing as Father Christmas and Christmas is just a made up load of commercial rubbish celebrating the birth of an imaginary baby.' Shock DD is really upset and doesn't even want her advent calendar because she says there's nothing to look forward to now, I know DD was likely to find out the truth about Father Christmas soon and fully expected this to be the last year she really believed in him but I'm furious that MIL would be so spiteful as to tell her like that or imply there was something wrong with her for not knowing and can't even describe how angry I am about the rest of it, I'm Catholic.

MIL then came round yesterday with a huge shopping bag of sweets for DD and none for DS as hes not DH's biological son I told DD to pick 1 for her and 1 for DS and I'd put the rest away for later, MIL starts on about me being mean and ridiculous, part of childhood is eating sweets til you feel sick Shock I mentioned to MIL how upset DD is and MIL started screaming in my face and calling me stupid, DS tried to stick up for me but DH didn't say a word, then this morning MILs just text saying shes picking DD up from school at 3.15, I've said not today, she sent back 'it wasn't a question'. as it happens DD has a school play this afternoon so I will already be at the school (MIL was invited before the argument but school plays are boring) So DH and I have started the day on an argument because I asked him to have a word with his mum and he told me to stop winding her up.

AIBU to think its not I'm winding her up, she's just a cunt and that if DH loved me or had any respect for me he'd step in occasionally, I don't want him to go NC or anything but the odd 'Mum, that's enough' would be nice, I wouldn't let my parents treat him like this and its making me question if i want to be with him anymore.

OP posts:
Number3cometome · 05/12/2014 10:17

What da fuq?

She sounds like a total nightmare!

Text her back 'My child, my rules. You are not required until further notice'

Rude bitch.

Hope you are ok OP - you've got more patience than I would have with the spawn of satan and her son!

CruCru · 05/12/2014 10:18

If you do get one, it's worth making sure that you know where a vet who can treat snakes is, a friend had an awful time finding one.

Altinkum · 05/12/2014 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perthmom · 05/12/2014 10:20

Oh my God, poor you, and poor DCs. What an evil vindictive woman your MIL is.
Another vote for getting a snake for your deserving DS. They're great pets and if it will keep MIL away too, so much the better.
I hope you can salvage belief in santa for your DD. A 'friend' of my DDs once told her that santa wasn't true and she was very upset and came and asked me if she was right. I asked her if she really thought that we could afford to buy all the presents in her stocking and she said no. I also asked her who she thought ate the carrots and apples we left out for the reindeer, etc etc, and she went on believing.

LurkingHusband · 05/12/2014 10:23

booboostoo

Your DH says YOU are being unreasonable?!!! Sorry but you have the worse MIL in the whole of MN ....

not by a long chalk Sad

tiggydiggydee · 05/12/2014 10:27

You poor thing having to cope with such a nasty person. I wouldn't want her near my DS or DD and your "D" H is a fool to let her behave this way and not stand up to her!

I see your DH's parents are divorced? And that your FIL is lovely to both his grandchildren. Is it possible that he could speak to your DH and make him see sense? Do your PIL speak to each other....could FIL confront MIL on her appalling behaviour? Just a thought.
Oh and no way on earth would I let this vile woman collect my DD from school..ever!

SuperFlyHigh · 05/12/2014 10:31

Not read the thread but how dare your MIL speak to your child and tell them re Father Christmas at 6 FGS?! talk about smashing a child's dreams.

the favouritism is bang out of order too.

Your DH needs to step up or you need to go NC with MIL.

SuperFlyHigh · 05/12/2014 10:31

Just seen maybe FIL can be a go between but maybe he's caught between his DW and you.

MurderonthetopCs · 05/12/2014 10:32

Jealousy is a dreadful thing and many MILs fear the loss of their DS to a rival (you). It took 23 years for my MIL to fully recognise me as an ally. But, I made sure that she was always welcomed and early on decided that to put my DH on the spot was not helpful. Eventually he worked it out for himself. If your marriage breaks up over this then she has "won" and nobody will be the happier for it. But, by all means lay down rules about her contact with your babies, until you have the balance right.

Tanith · 05/12/2014 10:33

Definitely YANBU! Shock

What a shame DH allowed her so much control when he was at home. It sounds like her arse grew too big for her knickers!

I agree that DH is the main problem, but that doesn't mean your MIL is any less of a problem and she really needs to be chased back to her pit. If he can't do it, you'll need to. You're the one with the rights here so she only has as much power as she can bully out of you.

Original poster
BramwellBrown · 05/12/2014 10:35

PIL are fairly recently divorced (about 2 years) DH will take any comments FIL makes about MIL as bitterness over the split

I have text her 'No, it is my decision, you are not picking DD up from school today'

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 05/12/2014 10:35

Can't you notify the school and tell them your child is not to be picked up by your MIL?

pictish · 05/12/2014 10:37

Ooh good for you.
Wonder what she'll say to that?

tiggydiggydee · 05/12/2014 10:39

Oh that's a shame your FIL can act as go between for you Sad but you certainly did the right thing sending the text. Stand your ground, you know you are in the right here without a doubt!

Only1scoop · 05/12/2014 10:42

Great text....good start.

Be Bright ....breezy and to the point.

QueenTilly · 05/12/2014 10:42

Your husband needs acres of self-help books and the stately homes threads. A few books on parenting, too. If he was going to break free on his own, he'd have done it by now, I think.

Having issues after a childhood with your MIL is understandable. Not being able to recognise that he has is understandable. Refusing to listen when you tell him he has issues is not acceptable if he wants his relationship with you and his children to survive. He needs to hop down the library.

CarbeDiem · 05/12/2014 10:45

Good for you OP, text is fine and to the point.
Don't allow your dh to try and make you think you ABU - You are most certainly not.

encyclogirl · 05/12/2014 10:46

Well done OP.

jimineycrick3t · 05/12/2014 10:50

Shock and you haven't committed a murder yet???? RESPECT.

Sounds like one hell of a control freak to me, even though your DH is being as much use as a chocolate fireguard, I would imagine that he has seen this side of her many times before. My DH does the same when his mother is in one...he kind of melts into the background...lucky for her I like to conserve my energy for more important matters, but on the flip side there is always a reason for a persons behavior IMO, and I'm not defending her actions because they are disgusting.

Time for you to get some control back in your life hun....at the end of the day someone can only control if there is someone/thing to control.

Start with contacting the school and telling them under NO curcumstances is anyone else to collect your Dc unless YOU contact them in advance....you could always use your MIL's temper as a reason to the school if your DH tries to intervein?????

Don't sit crying...use that energy to put this woman straight. So the next time it 'was not a question' you were 'not giving permission'.....END OF.

Next time she thinks it is OK to scream in your face, calmly tell her that that is the last time she does it and if it happens again you will have her escorted off your property by the police and she will have no more contact with your Dc until she learns to control her temper.....and stick to it....if she goes as far as to raise a hand to you, then an assault charge is the way to go.

Don't let her get away way with it! If your DH wants to defend his DM then maybe it is time he moved back in with her.

Chin up, be strong

MinceSpy · 05/12/2014 11:11

Bramwell you are an amazing mum and well done for texting MIL back in a firm but polite way. Stay strong and don't doubt yourself

youareallbonkers · 05/12/2014 11:33

What your MIL has done is dreadful and you are not BU to be upset. However, people don't change (unless THEY really really want to and few do) so presumably MIL & H were like this when you met. Why on earth did you marry someone like that? I seem to ask this Q over and over.

You can't change them, the only thing you can change is your attitude to them

KatieKaye · 05/12/2014 11:38

excellent text. Well done.

You are dealing with MIL, however the huge issue of DH actively not supporting/protecting his family remains.

He knows that what MIL is doing is not right, that it is actually seriously screwed up. And regardless of his own upbringing/misguided sense of loyalty/innate ability to deny till he is blue in the face or whatever - it is his failure to act as a parent that is the real issue here.

In a nutshell, your DH will not protect his daughter. He is weighing up the trauma of confronting MIL with the trauma she inflicts and decides that, for the sake of a quiet life, he will do nothing. The crappiest upbringing in the world does not excuse him sitting back and letting this vile woman screw up your DD. The only saving grace is that your DS is more of a man at 10 than your DH will ever be.

He is not supportive, nor is he protective. He does not put his DDs well-being above his own. He actively allows his DS to be discriminated against. He slags off your family. He ignores your very valid concerns.

None of these are the actions of a man who loves his family and wants to protect and nurture them. He comes across as very weak and selfish. What sort of person stands by and lets one person abuse another, whether it is physical or mental abuse? Again, his crappy childhood does not excuse this. Standing by and saying or doing nothing are just pathetic.

these are all very serious issues. Perhaps you can cope with them, but do you want to risk your DD growing up to be as dysfunctional as DH and MIL?

diddl · 05/12/2014 11:45

You know, even if you were winding her up, screaming at you & calling you stupid just isn't on.

And your husband saw this & said/did nothing?

And not only that, thinking on, he thinks that his mum did nothing wrong?

The text was spot on.

Be interested to know if she still turns up!

diddl · 05/12/2014 11:49

Even if he still wants to see his mum, he should understand that OP doesn't & that after her tirade the children need protecting from her, not subjecting to her.

Kab13 · 05/12/2014 11:54

I feel so so sorry for you what a bitch!